every post

i will be sharing more as we go this is enough to start this is enough to end i have had a very difficult life it may not look like it it probably does not look like it it may look like i have a life of ease / abundance / privilege i do and i do not i have lived a long / long / long life i have faced much unseen discrimination / prejudice / violence i have many chronic / acute health issues push finally came to shove i am very grateful i am still mostly physically able i am very grateful i was able to listen to my body before it got worse monday april seventh twothousandtwentyfive i wokeup unable to walk without extreme pain i have since realized i have never been able to walk without extreme pain i did not realize how much pain i was in it was like someone plugged my spine in for the first time now i know what legs feel like ¿ you know the feeling when your legs fall asleep ? it is very painful they do not really feel like they are there but you can still walk on them with difficulty with care that is what my legs feel like that is what my legs have always felt like i did not know my legs were asleep this whole time now i know now i am listening nothing has changed everything has changed my physical ability is what it always has been my pain is what is always has been i am simply aware awareness is the first step to change i cannot / willnot / maynot continue as i was before i was aware i am grateful i was able to listen before i ended up in a wheelchair i am grateful for the gentle lessons a ball of twine from the forest taught me i am very grateful to have space to move through it with grace i am excited to use this opportunity to slow down and take care of myself i am excited to know my value / worth / strengths i am excited to be building a holistic care team around me i am excited to be the center of the village required to raise a child i am grateful for the dots the universe has allowed me to connect this is not to make light of my difficulty this is not to make light of my need for help much has become clear to me much will continue to become clear with more time / space i have always been ready to laugh i have always been ready to smile i have always been ready to intensely focus on a task at hand i have always been ready to listen to folks’ pain / struggle / story i did not realize it was because it was my body’s way of coping i did not realize it was because it was my body’s way of distracting i did not realize i had difficulties i did not yet have space to focus on it was like my legs were shouting from deep below water tiny bubbles were all that reached the surface confusing / disconnected / vague / disembodied sensations constant unable to be understood drowning out all other signals i have always had headaches i have always had fatigue / poor sleep i have always had high pain tolerance i have always had difficulty eating enough / putting on weight i did not realize others have words for these things / many more nausea / migraines / disassociation / hypervigilance / disembodied i did not realize lying down in the dark / quiet / peace was an option i did not realize living in fear / pain / difficulty was not necessary i did not realize i have always been delirious in pain i did not realize i have lived my whole life at an eight out of ten on the scale sometimes a little less sometimes a ten i did not know a life without pain was a possibility until sunday april sixth twothousandtwentyfive now i do now i am listening now that i am listening i can hear the messages for what they are now that i hear them i can heal them and i can hear other messages too joy / happiness / love / connection / worth / value / ways / beings it will take much much work i am scared i am not scared of the work i am scared of the rest of the pain hiding in my body i am scared of the rest of my spine waiting to be plugged in i am not scared of losing even more physical ability i am scared of not knowing how to cope i am scared of not knowing how to heal i am not scared of death i am scared of not trusting my body i must trust my body i trust my body i am grateful to be on the healing path gratitude is my painkiller / salve / journey / savior you are my magic i love you deeply / unconditionally / always if you would like to give me some high quality love hold your feelings inside until you next see me cherish them cherish me sit on your urge to quickly text / email / call i like to connect in person best ask if i have space to receive love and tell me you read my story and love me in whatever way feels authentic to you

my first post was far too vulnerable / unprocessed / unresolved / recent it took me much time to ground / untrigger myself from my oversharing i am leaving it stand as a testament to lessons learned lessons i already knew and seems i had to learn again i feel called to clarify for my benefit and yours i am doing the best i have ever been my life is great in the long view i have never been better even if there are slumps / setbacks / bumps i am on the healing journey it is very painful because i have space to hold it finally my healthcare team is being built well slowly surely more of my story / history / explanations will be shared over time as it becomes less vulnerable as my needs are more fulfilled for now i offer a brief explanation i now know i have genetic conditions that require much attention the connection to my body was severed at a young age inability to feel most pain meant i could not be aware of how harmful the rigors of a normal life are to my body and i have had a very active lifestyle too these harms piled up over much time now that i have more emotional grounding / bandwidth / stability / resources / tools i can hear my body and begin nurturing these wounds and begin meeting my body’s particular needs so life is great :) i like to share myself with the world i do not like to talk about my problems the more i talk about them the more difficult they are to bear focusing on the many positives in my life helps me manage my difficulties with grace writing provides me the space to share exactly how i want exactly when i want exactly what i want exactly who i want … to… exactly who is interested… exactly to who is interested to exactly who i want ¿ whom ? ugh screw you grammar rules rhythm is more important you get it friends so please simply see me know that if i cannot speak out loud it is because i am rendered speechless by my pain know i am holding it with joy / grace / gratitude / authenticity laughter is my medicine know me for my bountiful joy / strength / love not in spite of my struggles but because of my struggles offer me love / praise / gentleness / praise / strength / praise tell me you read my story and how you feel and how i have positively impacted your life pain is not meant to be born alone i will share more of my load when i can

series: listening to meshsam the end a love letter to my abuser ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Darling, I care deeply for your safety. I will never out you. I will never tell anyone we had a connection. You deserve to tell your story completely on your terms, at your pace, with the people of your choosing. I only use these labels to help others understand my story, to see my pain and to hold me and support me as I suffer, because I deserve help. You taught me that. I love you and see you more completely now than ever. I know it was not your intention. I know you were trying your best. The fault is mine for not standing up for myself, for trusting you with far too much of myself, and blaming you for failing at impossible tasks that were mine alone to hold. I am sorry for judging you. I am sorry for breaking your trust. I am sorry for not keeping you safe. I am sorry for not cherishing you as you cherished me. I am sorry for assuming the worst in you. I am sorry for not taking care of myself. Thank you for the many many lessons you taught me, and continue to teach me in reflection. I am still learning from you every day. Your sweet laugh, easy generosity, and ferocious intelligence shall forever hold a place in my heart alongside many other fond memories. Tell me my sins and I will atone for them. Send me all the rage in your heart and I will weep with you. I do not seek justice, I do not seek retribution nor repair. I seek nothing from you and need nothing from you. My feelings are my responsibility. You taught me that, and I am grateful. I remain open and hopeful for our future. From one little bird to another, here’s to singing and dancing, and to the unknown. No expectations. Love you, always. Impact By the time the relationship ended I was far more… isolated from my (very few) support systems disconnected from friends disconnected from my Self disinterested in my hobbies unsure of my rights/wrongs, beliefs, boundaries, convictions critical of myself and supportive of them triggered, anxious, fearful, depressed, desolate, lonely, worthless, angry, unloveable focused on others than myself unhealthy in mind, body, and spirit Prolonged, consistent behaviors as a result: suicidal for the first time in my life nightmares / stress dreams going to bed and waking up in fear very poor sleep paranoia flashbacks rumination unable to speak for over a month disassociation waves of pain uncontrollably coursing through my body as I relived the experiences; convulsions nausea, difficulty eating and tending to base needs lost 25 lbs (175 to 150 as a 1,90 mètre male bodied human) heart pounding and racing and pulsing through my body picking fights and harming personal and professional relationships living in the slick sweaty smell of fear I hear their voice and feel their actions move through my body, causing harms I never have before highly triggered from i.e. feeling a lance of fear shoot through my brain, wash through my body, and I always always mourn the consequences of my actions if I continue to engage with people all text communication, doubly so for anything negative thinking about them, seeing their face perceived rejection criticism / unsolicited feedback physical touch my genitals still smell like them That is all that feels productive to share so you may see my pain and offer support. I will not speak any more to the details of our shared story as those are for us to resolve if we ever choose to repair. I will not speak ill of someone who does not have a voice in this space. I do not blame them, I do not fault them, I hold no ill will against them. Hurt people hurt people; I have hurt many people in my life, including this person. –february twothousandtwentyfive Resources I called the Domestic Violence Hopeline 206-737-0242 , available 24/7 super super kind / helpful / supportive / informative Here is a website with a TON of options https://sigmapsizeta.org/washington-sexual-assault/ a list curated from chatGPT (online artificial intelligence) 📞 24/7 Crisis Support King County Sexual Assault Resource Center ( KCSARC ) Offers free, confidential support 24/7 via their Resource Line: 888.998.6423 . Services include crisis intervention, legal advocacy, therapy, and support for both adults and children National Sexual Assault Hotline ( RAINN ) Available nationwide at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) . Provides confidential support and connects callers to local resources 🏥 Medical Care & Forensic Exams Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE) exams are available at several hospitals in Seattle. These exams are free and can be conducted without the immediate involvement of law enforcement. Evidence collected is stored in case you choose to report later. ( Livewell , KCSARC ) 🗂️ Advocacy & Reporting Tools Seattle Human Services – Sexual Assault Victim Advocates Provides comprehensive advocacy for survivors over the age of 18 once a police report is made in Seattle. Services include safety planning, court accompaniment, and assistance navigating the criminal justice system Seek Then Speak An online tool that allows survivors to explore options, connect with local resources, and begin the process of reporting their assault. The tool includes a self-guided interview that can be submitted to the Seattle Police Department UPDATES may 2025 i had the courage to post this after finally realizing they had made it very clear they didn't have space for me and i was doing myself a disservice by imagining otherwise this is the third or fourth variation of a letter i had intended to send them – which previously still had tendrils of blame / attachment / expectation – and the third or fourth evolution of my own feelings processed towards them summer 2025 at some point over the summer i realized that if i ever truly wanted to repair with them, this post would hinder that process. forgiveness is a thing done silently without need for announcement, and this post would not be interpreted in the spirit this post deserves another way to put it – this is far too much information to process for any one person and would create distance, not closeness october 2025 as befits the mysterious ways of the universe, two days after i resolved the very last teeny tiny vestiges of clinging attachment to this person, they reached out to me for the first time since our end i took down this post and we briefly reconnected they demonstrated a desire to take accountability and i was able to begin painting the shape of the immense harm i experienced – without fault and without over sharing / burdening / attaching for other reasons, they chose to disconnect and we parted amicably the painting may now continue to take shape here – in the slim eventuality they find their way to this post and read these words twentyseven december twothousandtwentyfive correction for clarity: "lost 15-25lbs (i'm already quite slender)" changed to "lost 25 lbs (175 to 150 as a 1,90 mètre male bodied human)" wrote up this UPDATES section three one one two zero two six the universe made it clear this is the last of a larger being ( listening to meshsam ) intro-being-friend wandered over to their proper place ltm a love letter to my abuser 20.05.2025 05.03.2026 there is no i / forgive / self / there is no i / forgive / other / we are self

i was walking through the forest near my house sunday morning six april twothousandtwentyfive as i often do tending / listening / being on the way home the following happened i wrote it down afterwards in the way that felt most true [i have added very very few clarifying details] 1. the dirty bundle of string called a question arose “would you like to come home?” yes this human body picked up the string and began unwinding gently slowly without rush we held each other in one hand and we held pain in another the string said many things or perhaps thoughts arose in response to speaking the language of touch with string the spirit that passes through this human body said the answer lay at the end a thought arose “i haven’t even asked a question” a question arose “how am i supposed to untangle this string if i’m winding it around one of my hands?” the spirit that passes through this human body said it was not only possible to untangle the string without a hand but duty / power / responsibility / necessary sometimes they spoke reminders at first this human body walked / unwound then pain arose and tree friend cedar called this human body sat at their base / continued 2. words the string spoke as i unwound them from their matted lump (words the string spoke as they unwound me from my matted lump) letting go does not need to be painful nothing needs to be painful if there is a snag / pain – slow down – stop no one will slow down if you do not voice your pain many times the tangles will unfold easily / all at once – when held / moved / guided at the right pace this human body is afraid of not having pain as the weight of such bottomless joy would almost be too much to bear focusing on oneself / the task at hand is the only thing we can do the process of unwinding / untangling is also one of cleansing it will take time sometimes one must back up / ask for help / hold it all at once there will be bumps / bruises along the way what is important is we get back up – use that as an opportunity to learn it gets easier as you go / as you learn / as there is less / less / less there will come a day when suddenly it is gone trust yourself completely you know how to move in the world it is enough to say / know “that is (not) how that works” you are strong enough to go slow everywhere / all the time / with everyone only your boundaries / your way – “i don’t talk when others are” – “i don’t talk until i reflect back first” THE END OF THE STRING SLIPPED OUT OF MY HAND suddenly it was gone / done / over no more mess / pain / tangle the answer rang clear as a bell no more of [my main livelihood] 3. the end tears sadness reckoning holding confusion worry fear weeping no more [livelihood] no more biking no more running no more guitar planning hope difficulty love a holistic health care team massage acupuncture physical therapy mental therapy nutritionist reiki / energy / sound herbalist autism advocate organizer the universe has laid the path down all i must do is follow it i am grateful to listen life is good [the next morning i woke up and couldn't walk without excruciating pain] i was walking through the forest near my house sunday morning 27.05.2025 05.06.2026 six april twthousandtwentyfive

i am doing great i am doing the best i ever have it is because of this that my body pain is so clear i finally have enough emotional space to listen to my body it is good for me to remind myself of this out loud when people ask how im doing the answer is actually im great actually the more i talk out loud about my problems the more overwhelming they become i write so that i have an emotionally safe container to face my problems and then put them down pick up the positive again to not remind myself i am doing great is to lose myself to not remember every painful step is a sign i am on the path of the universe is a step in courageous trust of my journey is a joy to know i am doing exactly as i must to heal is to drown in the sea of pain gratitude buoys me so i may walk on the waters i acknowledge all of this may seem alarming / sudden / concerning / urgent there is no rush i have dealt with far worse in my time this is just different sometimes i just forget how strong i am and i feel weak so i do not talk about my problems i write about them it must be acknowledged my body knows this better than i this is my body protecting me if i speak out of turn out of truth out of time / space / place i lose my body disembody / disassociate / disregulate this is worse than the alternative when i speak without a body only pain is a result to others to myself this can be incredibly isolating ¿ how am i to get help if i cannot speak ? i write ¿ how am i to get help if i cannot show my pain ? ¿ how are people to believe me if the ways they know are so different than mine ? i went to the doctor he followed his procedures i left far worse than i came in agony the results of standard ways of treatment he did not know what to do with a patient who calmly wrote they were in a nine out of ten pain it is not his fault and a person at a nine out of ten pain does not have energy to enforce boundaries to say no to advocate their needs to defy the norms of an entire society merely to receive care / help / love in a way that meets my needs in a way that loves me as i am and yet i must learn how or i will not make it through for the time being we are making it easier holistic health care team [ two days after i wrote the above i was sent an article by a neurodivergent specialist selective mutism in autistic adults exactly the validation i needed thanks universe / friend / [author] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ¿ what is wrong ? nothing everything i am in great health at my checkups clean bloodwork amazing blood pressure nothing they can notice my body is finally coming online from a babyhood of trauma that is a long time for damage to build when all of my joints / ligaments / connectives do not work in the ways they are expected pain holds lessons / signals just as any other feelings pain / feeling is beneficial / necessary without pain we would die a hand on a hot stove burning with no message to tell the brain to stop until the nose smells burning flesh and what if there are many more meats cooking harder still thirty years is a long time to leave a hand on a stove so this is what i mean when i say the pain has always been there my body was always burning i have finally smelled it i have finally lifted my hand from the stove [ one of my hunches ehler danlos syndrome ] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ if i pressure people get angry at them demand help / anything / love i will push them away so i try each day to make peace with the end of this mortal human body it is just star stuff after all just alive in a new way probably with a lot less pain life is great :) no rush no expectation no obligation i am doing the best i ever have. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i am dying my insides are eating me each day is a little harder than the last each day i try to grow strong enough to handle it it would be easier if i had cancer at least it would have a name you can understand treat me like i have cancer please i do not have much time this human mind would prefer this human body remain human i need a lot of help if i am to remain human if i give too much to any one person they will buckle they will break they will be gone this is my burden to carry my life i am strong enough and it is very hard and i am very tired –four days from the week of five may twothousandtwentyfive i am doing great 10.06.2025 05.06.2026 four days from the week of five may twothousandtwentyfive

a brief intro this is a subclass for the Artificer class in the tabletop roleplaying game, Dungeons and Dragons (D&D 5e). if you don’t know what any of that is, just look at the pretty pictures, read the pretty words, ignore the really confusing bits, and appreciate it took a super long time and that there’s people out there that are super amped about this kind of thing if you do know what all that is, i still advise to ignore the really confusing bits unless you’re seriously considering using this. in which case REACH OUT. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ a long intro I made this as a birthday present for a dear, dear friend about five years ago. I don’t know how long it took nor over what period of time though my memory is that there was a period of consistent, often frenzied, activity over the course of 3-6 months. The completion date was November 5th, 2020 – his birthday. My oldest file for this project was created April 2019 (a giant spreadsheet), and I believe the intensity ramped up around April 2020 (the creation date of a graphic design file for the logo). This was a process of much care, deliberation, slowness, and love. Over the months / years I carefully asked questions about his favorite video games, crafting mechanics, atmosphere, etc. with much much time in between so as not to provoke any suspicion about my motives / project. I have no concept of how many hours I devoted. At least 50. Possibly 100. Probably many more, including all the mulling over in the space of my days and dreams. Wow, definitely above 100. I often spent hours at the computer, for many days in a row. It seems accurate now to say there were 100 hours devoted in the last month or two alone. Was it all an efficient use of my time? Certainly not. Was it all HIGH PRODUCTIVITY ALL OCTANES ENGAGED? Certainly not. But they were all hours of love, from anxious to grounded, passionate to apathetic, and all in between. Consistency has always been my forte, for better and for worse. Love is simply showing up, time and time again, in ways that serve the whole. This beautiful project was both an escape and a release from the woes of a world deep in the midst of a pandemic, not to mention the bleakness of the personal world I so consistently inhabited within the confines of my mind. Looking back at this project for the first time in some years has been an experience of delight, fondness, awe, joy, laughter, confoundment, and every now again a little bit of judgment when I see a phrase that might flow better with a comma, or I notice a pixel out of place. But, for the very most largelyness, there is much love in my eyes at a pursuit well done, an activity in which the means were always the ends. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ another brief intro i pretty much wrote this <<retrospect>> in one sitting employing the writing style i have always defaulted to and been most tickled by – a casual / familiar / open / inclusive / inviting stream of consciousness rambling way that meanders / speaks loudly in my voice through the page / grants you+me+everyone permission to be our best silliest uninhibitedest selves ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ the creative process / medium these are memories off hand. i feel no need to dive deep back into my creative process as simply glancing at a section / page / element brings back enough fresh memories to understand a ninetyzeroones percent gist of the shape i acknowledge i went full obsessive perfectionist mode to an unhealthy degree i am not a hand / analog / traditional artist, or at least hadn’t begun that journey at the time. i would describe myself as a <<highly detail oriented collager>> ¿ collagist ? (which is very much an artist, though i wouldn’t have said so at the time. more on that later) i researched for images all over the internet to find ones that were *chef’s kiss* i synced up with his then-boyfriend who made the drawings of jars/botanicals. THAT was a process in and of itself – with much affection, somehow working with one zany gay vaguely toxic ADHD people pleasing artist was like herding an entire corral of cats at once. and i am deeply grateful as his contributions really breathed life into the pages all of the watercolor fade type stuff are reference images from other people that i tweaked and adjusted just so. i was lucky enough to find compilations from other people’s hard work, which i then layered over each other to suit my aesthetic fancy in GIMP (a free, open source version of photoshop) i recreated / tweaked the page borders from Xanathar’s Guide to Everything (a popular, official D&D source book) as the only background image i could find would not scale properly. this involved much zooming and moving and clicking pixel by pixel until i was satisfied with the result <<when held at a distance that wasn’t that far away but definitely wasn’t close enough to scrutinize because i can definitely still see the smudges>> countless hours were spent tweaking small details in the tool this was compiled in – GMBinder , half code half styling half layout half organizer for creating roleplaying game content – to get things just right. page numbers / alignment / columns / headings / lines / subtitles / lines / bullets / you name it i put my hands on it. formatting / tables / OH GOD I FORGOT THE TABLES PLEASE GOD DON’T MAKE ME DO THE TABLES AGAIN i also <<hand>> designed the triangle logo on the front page (simple though highly intentional and symbolic) using Google Drawings because im overly attached to google products and am clearly a masochist. or more accurately – i stick with what i know. i am positive i also did back of the napkin style sketches by hand though these are lost to time. i remember painstakingly adjusting pixel by pixel on the borders and endless tinkering with fade/shading while then-boyfriend-artist created all the individual bottles and baubles and colored the bright ones, i did all the layout / arranging as well as the gentle yellowing of the clear images to make them pop all the writing is of course my own. i poured over official D&D source books to use precisely their language / formatting / style to as closely resemble canon as possible – while leaning into the creative expanse of my mind AND honoring the deep friendship ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ reflection the goal was to dazzle and delight and i succeeded in spades :) it is as much a love letter to my perspective on life as it is to our relationship. <<can’t separate the art from the artist>> and all that. a love letter to myself created in just the right way so as to serve my friend’s fancies. is it balanced? no idea. i definitely tried *very hard* to consider things that could be game breaking or not, from both a dungeon master and a player’s standpoint. OH DEAR GOD I FORGOT ABOUT ALL THE MATH TO TRY AND BALANCE IT WITH OTHER SPELL CASTERS AND SUBCLASSES. suffice to say, if you’ve got criticism to offer or deep intricate nuanced perspectives that are deeply insightful and deeply unsolicited about why it’s not balanced, leave it in the comments ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ things im most proud of consistent effort / time / attention gender inclusivity (usage of “they/them” pronouns long before i personally used them) inclusive positive lens on disability in “The Shape of Your Journey” the immaculate vibes the awesome feats the opening examples of who an apothecary may look like an absolute fuckton of math / numbers / organization / TABLES *shakes fist at air* DM Guide to help usher the spirit of the class the required cooperation of DM/player inclusive accessible options to reduce overwhelm/complexity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ more reflection i never posted it anywhere publicly at the time. at the time. i would have said “i don’t need to share this, it’s just for you my friend. people that post publicly are just attention seekers (and i’m better than them).” despite the fact that i clearly made it with a larger scope in mind than just my friend considering the amount of inclusivity / accommodation / balancing i attempted. at the time. that was part of the gift – a whole package of thoroughness that’s extra special because im giving it to only you. and that is true. and also. now i understand this behavior was actually stemming from the simultaneous fears of <<being seen / witnessed>> and <<criticism / being found wanting>> namely – afraid of not getting the attention i felt it deserved in order to feel valid in my work vs. the healthier / more groundeder / maturer sense of feeling comfortable enough in my own skin and my creation that i do not require external validation to feel assured we love baby drew. baby drew was going through a lot and needed so so much. i speak now from the distinct moral authority of having evolved to the point of toddler drew, who still needs a lot of so so much but also is starting to learn how to say <<no>> and <<boundaries>> short version: negative feedback would have felt too crushing for this poor weary soul in the throes of deep / long / severe depression ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ slightly more reflection at the time. i wouldn’t have identified as an artist. i certainly created things. i certainly have always had an artist’s heart and a philosopher’s mind and a monk's soul. but those were words for people with training and degrees and a certain <<je ne sais quois>> about them with their fine tools and pursuit of traditional crafts like drawing / painting / pottery / digital design / any medium they desired because they weren’t me and they’re super cool and definitely an artist because they’re worthy of love but i am very *clearly* not. (this is past drew talking, don't get too worried about me. well. worry. but about all my other crapola, not this particular topic) i also have always been incredibly humble about my talents / life / adventures / creations. i greatly admire this about myself. and. i now acknowledge i probably (definitely) tipped the scales from <<humble>> into <<completely denouncing any credit or self advocacy>> because, to repeat, baby drew was just really really in need of so many hugs and praise and wasn’t getting them and clearly didn’t deserve to be seen for the awesome person they’ve always been (past drew again) so now we’re sharing loud and proud in so many walks of life and overall it’s been going great. DEFINITELY SOME BUMPS. and that's great. means we're learning and living and growing :) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ thanks thanks! thanks for reading. here’s to cherishing one another. here’s to the necessarily messy process of creation / life / love. here’s to you, best friend. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Apothecary.pdf Download Apothecary and DM Guide.pdf Download ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ lts steve the liar 17.06.2025 05.03.2026 the means are the ends ~ ursula k leguin, the dispossessed

–around september twentynine twothousandtwentyfour lts the fozz 19.07.2025 24.06.2026 an idea for the world's bravest wealth distribution

i could hear it first smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle the fragmentary gold pieces fell to the ground in an increasingly large heap tumbling over each other down and around and down sliding in the weight of velocity like shifting sands pieces, i said pieces of swords a stone bust of a great aztec emperor bound this heap to itself rising from within like a conquering phoenix of old smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle these are the sounds of sword after sword after sword falling against the impassive immovable stone face striking at speed uselessly and clattering into pieces shattered by the great burden of their inadequacy pieces, i said of a sacred task a sacred trial a siren’s song to the strong and the glorified and the purposeless none had found themselves worthy these once swords were gathered tossed with the reverence they deserve into a grand crucible that stood above the crucible looked down at the masses where these once proud were gathered it was a pretty view from on high can you see it? pieces, i said some men tested strength some men tested fortune and some men tested fate our story starts with the end and ends with the beginning smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle a man holding a stone far larger than he climbed the stairs to the top of the platform he dove into the crucible on high waves of velveteen pillowy gold leapt into the air a gasp from the crowd the gold settled into the shape of a bowl frozen in place the crowd had never seen such delicate perfection fate had found its man he walked into the great hall carrying a pyramid upon his back an entire pyramid, i tell you ( of smooth egyptian cut, though this teller is sure it was meant to be aztec blocks sometimes the details can become ravaged in their journey through time and space ) his smile was sure and proud and knowing i wanted to punch that smile as he lifted the pyramid from his back and held it aloft with one arm he said some words to the crowd before he leapt these words are lost to time because i did not care to listen he rose higher and higher and higher and higher and higher the pyramid had turned into great feathered wings of pure snow white that bore him on light itself every flap shone like the sun in circling radiance encircling a wild laugh of a man and a horse there was no rider no mount they rode each other as equals and dove wings folded the pyramid long gone turned in on itself upside down now an arrow falling impossibly fast towards liquid gold that rose into another perfect bowl and rose from within that bowl into another perfect bowl and rose from within that bowl into another perfect bowl three bowls of gold nestled within another the crowd did not gasp they marveled and murmured briefly in awestruck silence for from within that perfect bowl and bowl and bowl kept rising a fountain of liquid gold a wall a mirror a lens that held two dark ancient ancient eyes who did not smile kindly this is the last thing i saw before the gold swept down overflowing its cage in a roar and consumed us all —fifteen june twothousandtwentyfive oeuvre d'un exposition de juin 2019 à l'abbaye saint-andré – villeneuve-lez-avignon. j'ai pris ce photo mais j'ai attribué le mauvais artist dans mes journaux. j'ai contacté l'association et j'espère de retrouvé l'artist original Dreaming — no rider no mount 19.08.2025 03.03.2026 spoken / liquid / gold / dreaming / strength / glory / purpose / less

this symbol-being would like to share space with you just you not other humans filling your head with their words / interpretations / thoughts they want you to share your feelings with them and they want to share their feelings with youscroll down when you feel ready to hear some other human's words respect as responsibility society this particular chapter / precept was named "non-hierarchical society" as brother Tyson Yunkaporta stated in his book Sand Talk, the english-language-being has a funny way of trying to describe things by the ways they are NOT, which still makes you think of / focus on the other thing for example: the word non-linear (time / experience / knowledge) still slaps a giant ______________________________________________ LINE across the front of our vision. it's like being told DON'T think of a pink elephant; even if we try our VERY best, there absolutely is a pink elephant wandering around our brain for a fleeting / unforgettable / inescapable moment (but usually they wander around for a lot longer, especially if we keep telling ourselves DON'T think about them) and, the more we're focusing on pink elephants, the less attention we have to devote towards whatever our lovely pursuits are. it is by focusing on what we WANT rather than what we DON'T that positive change happens ( sciency sciency ). so, as soon as i heard about this wisdom, i became allergic to using the word "non" in any context whatsoever and i immediately starting trying to purge its usage from my vocabulary in this light, i have chosen to rephrase "non-hierarchical" in a way that puts emphasis on what we WANT society to be rather than than what we DON'T want i / we / knowledge is constantly shifting / changing / evolving / growing and i honor my own (lowercase i) indigenous ways by choosing to trust my intuition / body / spirit in this matter rather than upholding the author's original / specific words. i offer respect and curiosity without judgment or admonishment for their decided usage, as i remain confused my assumption is that the authors used the term "non-hierarchical" (and a few other instances of "non" usage) for simplicity of understanding for a diverse audience. these descriptions can serve as an introduction to the topics at hand rather than to serve as a final word. each chapter obviously delves into the precepts for far more depth so perhaps they decided brevity was worth it for a chapter title or, perhaps more simply, this is a good example of how we are all imperfect / learning / growing together. nature is messy and we are nature :) p.s. "non-linear time" is a separate precept who will have their own page 28precepts 1 21.08.2025 06.06.2026 rebuild our empowerment

this symbol-being would like to share space with you just you not other humans filling your head with their words / interpretations / thoughts they want you to share your feelings with them and they want to share their feelings with you scroll down when you feel ready to hear some other human's words recognition of spiritual energies in nature 28precepts 2 21.08.2025 06.06.2026 who are we but beings of water / combustion / breath / bone

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 dreams to love myself to know i am loved to know myself to love i am known to make mistakes and know i will not be abandoned to abandon myself in the pursuit of the unknown to find myself vulnerable in the unknowable expanse of the great beyond to solidify to care less not less for the plights of the world large and small but less for people’s words and opinions to lance my open heart and leave me with nothing left for myself and my loved ones for the world — sixteenandahalf august twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive dreams 21.08.2025 17.02.2026 love in all we do

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 1 1–2 minutes content warning PG intentions share / hold / be held tone however it lands with you i bare my throat to remind myself to relax to remind myself i am safe to remind myself there is no need to hide to remind myself to breath deeply. —sixteenandahalf august twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive i bare my throat 21.08.2025 17.02.2026 fear is but love by another name

11–16 minutes ( in small chunks ) content warnings non-judgmental, compassionate, curious discussions on gender, pronouns, sexuality intentions provide insight / simplicity to what can feel like a complicated / overwhelming topic if looking for "more info" and on mobile, click here What do I mean by They/She/He and non-binary? Great question! Thanks for being curious enough to ask :) The short answer is these are the pronouns I like to be used for me, in order of preference. The following are entirely my own evolving opinions, please don’t consider it the final word and refer to the links for more nuanced information. The best way to know what someone else thinks is to ask them (if appropriate, and they might not want to talk about it). (At the time of this writing) I identify primarily as “non-binary”, rather than as a man or woman. When referring to me in this way I prefer you to use the pronouns “they/them.” E.g. “Have you been to a discussion group with Alex? They make such a safe / cozy space.” “Alex really likes to talk, probably because they’re afraid of being ignored.” “Alex's overalls are way too colorful and ridiculous.” “I hate how friendly Alex is, I don’t want to hang out with them at all.” “Alex's website has too many words; they’re clearly a bit full of themselves .” I personally identify with a lot of things from the traditional experiences of both men and women (it’s part of what makes me a great coach) and don’t like to erase those feelings by going purely by “they/them” – so I also go by “she/her” or “he/him”. I like being a woman fighting for self advocacy, a man working to be more emotionally available, and a person trying to help the world be a better place. Many other people who identify as non-binary (they/them) do not also identify as a woman (she/her), or a man (he/him), so please just listen to what they say and do your best. I’m personally not really going to be upset by any pronouns used to refer to me as I believe the only person I can control in this world is myself, and I try to seek understanding and compassion by giving others the benefit of the doubt and seeing intent over action. Also, change takes time. What do you mean by non-binary? Another great question! I personally don’t believe in the gender binary of only man or woman. I’m certainly aware it exists as the normal default in society, but I don’t think it should be; I believe we all have lovely, unique personality traits and they all exist on a spectrum of human experience and there’s not really any beneficial reason to tie them specifically to one gender or another. I think it’s limiting and hurtful to box people in with labels and try my best to see people as individuals so I can meet them where they’re at. We’ve all experienced the harm of being told to be something we are not, whether in a gendered sense or otherwise. At the end of the day for me this is just an extension of choosing to fight against concepts like: “girls can’t play sports” “boys shouldn’t cry” or “man up” “women should stay home” “it’s not manly to be artistic” “boys will be boys” “women shouldn’t vote” dads getting weird looks at the playground with their kids women paid less for equivalent work not being allowed to play with a toy you liked as a child because it was for “girls/boys” men being expected to sacrifice themselves for women and children If you disagree with some of the above then maybe you don’t like the gender binary either. They/Them doesn’t make grammatical sense to refer to one person it’s confusing. Yeah it can be confusing, thankfully it gets easier with time. A lot of our language is based on context, and this may feel unfamiliar. But we’ve actually been using “they” to refer to a gender neutral singular person for hundreds of years – it’s just become popularized in a non-binary sense lately. I’m going to bold some very normal uses of singular they in the next section. Saying They/Them is hard, why does it matter so much? Everyone seems so angry about pronouns. Very fair, it IS hard to change something we’re not used to, especially when it doesn’t seem like it really matters. And it’s extra hard to do well when it feels like there’s a lot of pressure to get it right otherwise you’re a Bad Person (which in my opinion is pretty unkind towards you). So let me try to describe how it feels for me and others: As a really straightforward example: if you’re a woman, imagine someone kept calling you a man and saying “he” to refer to you. Or if you’re a man, imagine someone kept calling you a woman and saying “she.” Feels kind of weird and strange – why are they doing that? Pretty annoying, right? And it only gets more annoying the more people who are getting it wrong. To dig more into it, imagine a time where someone got your name wrong. Maybe you’re an Alexander that prefers Sandy, not Alex, not Alec, not Al. Or a Kathleen, definitely not Katie, Katy, Cathy, nor Kathy. Probably not going to ruin your day, but it’s certainly nicer to be called what you prefer. Maybe you correct them , maybe you don’t. Probably depends who it is in your life. Random stranger you’re never going to see again? Whatever. Your coworker? That’d be nice. Your friend? Holy crap dude stop being annoying!! What if it’s someone you’re intimidated by, like the CEO at work? Or a place you don’t feel comfortable, like at the front of a room full of people? What if you don’t mention it and they get it wrong for a year? When do you tell them ? How would it feel if you kept asking them , and they kept getting it wrong? What if they really can’t do it because of their accent? What if they keep forgetting no matter how many times you ask? What if they know your name but keep playing it off like a joke? What if this type of thing happened with almost every single person you met? Even if unintentional? “Well, it’s not a huge deal, I’ll get over it.” You’re right, you probably will. But wouldn’t it feel so much nicer if they listened and got it right the first try? Or at least tried their best? Those are some of the feelings. Whether you had particularly strong reactions or not, they are all valid. So I understand some people getting angry about it, especially because it’s probably an identity and topic they care a lot about; I try to be as patient and compassionate as I can, and assume they are too. I feel embarrassed if/when I get it wrong, what do I do? Be brave, I get pronouns wrong too! I try to quickly correct myself out loud and move on. Honestly sometimes I really suck at getting pronouns right, but this helps build the habit in my brain and shows that I’m trying (because I am). It takes time and that is normal. I believe most people in this world are extraordinarily more patient with people who are trying, compared to those who are not – about any topic not just pronouns! :) Sometimes in my head afterwards I will picture the person’s face and say their name and pronouns three times to help cement the habit. I still struggle. If I have the time I’ll try to do examples of their name and pronouns in a sentence or two (like my bullets way at the beginning) so it’s a little more realistic for my brain. There is often an impulse to apologize and check in when we get it wrong, but this is now shining a spotlight on something that is otherwise mundane, and gives the other person more work to do when they’ve done nothing wrong. If your neighbor was opening up to you about their mom’s funeral and you called their dog the “goodest girl” instead of the “goodest boy,” would you stop the entire conversation to deeply apologize and make sure they knew how important it was to you that you gendered their dog correctly? (in this fearful modern age, maybe yes, ha. But you get the point) Good intentions but kinda weird result. Just correct and move on, let your actions speak for themselves over time. To be human is to make mistakes. This is all so interesting! How can I be more inclusive of people who identify with these issues? Wow that’s so cool! Just checking in – I don’t want you at all to feel like you “have to” be more inclusive or you’re “bad” if you don’t; we all only have so much space in our lives and can only pick so many battles to fight and there is absolutely no shame in that. We live in tough times. And – if this all resonated with you and you’re excited to learn more, well I’m happy to share :) But I’m no expert!! I just like to think a lot about these things, if you couldn’t tell, tehe. Here’s some quick options: Share your pronouns with people, even if/especially if there aren’t any “obvious” people you’re trying to be inclusive of. “I go by she/her, what are your pronouns?” The more we get used to sharing pronouns with each other the easier it gets! It will probably feel a little weird at first, though if we try to do it all the time then we won’t feel as awkward trying to do it the first time when it “matters.” And, big AND, it lightens the burden of constantly bringing up pronouns from the people who are more affected by them. Use more gender neutral words instead of gendered. Things like “hey guys” or “fireman” are needlessly (maybe even harmfully) gendered. My absolute favorite alternatives are “y’all” and “folks.” If the gender doesn’t matter to the context (and usually it doesn’t), why not try things like: everyone, person, parent, sibling, partner/significant other, child/kid/kiddo, esteemed guests. Model positive behavior. People get real weird when we correct them on things, not just pronoun stuff. Someone messes up? Try just saying a sentence using the person’s preferred pronouns and assume they’re doing their best, as you’re doing your best :) We humans learn a lot more from observing than nit-picking each other, just like babies do. Ask important folks in your lives if/how they’d like to be supported. And follow through if they say yes! As a coach I always say “focus on one thing at a time;” I find it easier to focus on the people I care about instead of trying to ask a bunch of acquaintances, coworkers, etc. and suddenly feeling overwhelmed trying to remember the intricacies of 20 people’s support systems – and ashamed of myself for continuously getting them all mixed up and wrong. Baby steps! If you want more I recommend a google. I also read this lovely article on Gender Neutral Terms . I’ll admit to being surprised at such a nuanced, compassionate take from the source (basically tinder app for gay men) – there I go being judgmental, I love being surprised and learning something new! What’s the difference between gender and sex and sexual orientation? I am absolutely loving this conversation we’re having, thanks for asking! Don’t feel like you have to know everything, just keep learning. To simplify a complicated topic: Sex: what genitalia you are born with. Male, female, or intersex (a rare combination of both). A more inclusive way of referring to M/F sex is saying AMAB/AFAB (Assigned Male/Female At Birth) Gender: who you see when you look inside yourself and how you present to the world. Much much more complex than sex as it is about cultural norms rather than biology. Man, woman, non-binary, trans (someone whose gender does not align with their birth sex, e.g. a transwoman), and so so many more. “Cisgender” means your birth sex and gender match Sexual orientation: who you love romantically, emotionally, sexually. The gender you are , in relation to which gender you’re attracted to . Straight (attracted to the opposite gender), gay/lesbian (same genders), bi (opposite and same genders), pansexual (who cares what the genders are), queer (umbrella term for “not straight”, but used to be a very charged, hurtful word), asexual (still experience love but not in a sexual way), and also so so many more lovely genderbread article Thanks for reading! Much love. Feel very free to share, I wrote this in a public place on purpose :) ʔuʔušəbicid čəd [author] 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) P.S. As of February 2025, I would appreciate more feminine validation in my life so I prefer you use “she” and “her” pronouns to refer to me. “She creates art.” “Her name is [author].” For the sake of transparency, I was Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB). P.S.S. My understanding of these concepts and my identity has deepened into further complexity over time, as a natural and healthy result of me sharing my knowledge. But I won’t say anymore here so I don’t inhibit anyone else’s place in the journey. One thing at a time :) if on mobile, click here to skip to "more-info" UPDATES 3/1/26 removed mentions of [author]'s name — that person no longer exists very slight clarities in intro 9/8/25 removed "she/they/he" from beginning to honor my gender journey, reduce complexity / overload, and make the piece more unified for a wider / more generic audience changed initial "they/them" examples away from pickleball references 8/23/25 migrated from pickleballdrew.wordpress.com to here removed few references to pickleball added links to genderbread article 3/30/25 added AMAB identity at beginning for transparency added AMAB/AFAB definitions in “what’s the difference?” section added lushootseed in closing added P.S. removed original date 2/20/2025 changed to she/they/he to make it even more obvious added intro sentence explaining current stance “no sorries in pickleball” link at end of “I feel embarrassed” section changed “quick and dirty” to “quick” in “inclusive” section 2/2/2025 changed order of preferred pronouns from they/he/she to they/she/he as it would feel nice to be more often affirmed as a woman rather than folks defaulting to man 12/25/2024 added resource links from Schitt’s Creek 7/9/2024 tweaked some language that was a bit shaming in the “I feel embarrassed…” section added section “how can I be more inclusive…” 3/13/2024 original piece I WANT TO KNOW MORE Honest and curious questions are always welcome :) I won't always have time but I generally enjoy talking about this kind of thing – and bear in mind I'm not perfect and don't have all the answers! Here's some links with more info: lovely "genderbread" person article the best guide on gender pronouns I've seen (UWM) Singular They Usage Singular They History Explanation of Sex and Gender Identity Merriam Webster list of definitions: Gender, Sex, Orientation, and many more Examples of Gender Stereotypes The Harm of Gender Stereotyping in Childhood LGBTQIA Glossary (UC Davis) Gender Neutral Terms (e.g. y'all, folks, people, parent) Schitt's Creek , Season 5, Ep. 11 : If you or someone you know is struggling with coming out around sexual orientation or gender identity, visit these sites: itgetsbetter.org glsen.org thetrevorproject.org glaad.org my-pronouns 23.08.2025 28.04.2026 ¿ c'est quoi "non-binary" ?

i am dying how am i supposed to tell people humans this with no visible evidence / diagnoses / proof my body has told me in very clear terms i believe my body and i know us have a sensitive soul a hermit crab without a shell must stay quiet does not advertise their mortality to be asked questions why what is it how’d this happen how do you know who have you seen when did it start where are you going for treatment is to threaten fragile truth if i don’t believe my truth no on will certainly not this body and then it will fade / wither / die this is the purpose / threat of inquisition colonized humans do not know what they are doing we do not know how to feel / resonate / validate / trust we simply do as has been done to us these humans care deeply these humans are doing their best and they are killing us as intended by their own fragile selves to see my naked shelless body is to remind them they have one too hidden away easier to pick me apart to look for juicy morsels of fat / logic / reason and dismiss leave the inedible / unsavory / indigestible bits behind throw the rest out when full / satisfied easier to reach one’s own conclusion and dismiss mine well those bits / claws / antennae were once me and the universe is not one of reason they love us unconditionally a fish gets eaten by a fish gets eaten by a fish is a fish good / bad is one more worthy for eating instead of eaten there is no reason for that fish in particular to get eaten there is only one larger truth / reason the universe loves unconditionally this is not reasonable to cling to reason is to deny this truth to defy this love to die alone i will not die alone i just may not be in the company of humans that is your choice and mine

HA just googled “what is a panic attack” turns out my life is basically one extended panic attack if i don’t change tasks every 20 minutes i start to have a panic attack the language i use for this is “my heart feels the need to tell me we’re alive” “i am grateful my heart is telling me we’re alive” i laughed out loud reading the symptoms so grateful to be alive what a fantastic life i live so much privilege so much time / space the joy of the universe knows no bounds love you friends

i want to die the pain is incredible i want to kick to bite to yell to kill i want to gouge eyes to rip tongues to peel the flesh back layer by layer i want to burn to pillage to rape to disembowel to watch the light leave your eyes and know you feel what i feel to know i am not alone to connect in joyous painful clarifying bliss there is nothing but pain no hope no love no wants no desires no dreams no future what a gift to hold so much agony to know the exquisite taste of a vintage given to few what a privilege to hold so much of the human experience i lie here on the carpeted floor hardly able to breathe hardly able to hold pen to paper one eye sees death the other these slanty words appearing on the paper before me it is all i / we / us can do to let the truth of the universe flow through me nothing matters everything matters we are but specks in an infinite cosmos boundless infinite pain this too shall pass as the great cosmic speck of our inconceivably tiny universe disappears from existence absorbed into the void of everything dissolved into the sea of nothing scattered to the great winds of north south east west i am not alone the universe is dying with me every moment losing itself to the pain losing itself to my pain my inconceivably tiny pain it is nothing there is nothing and so we return to the truth of it all the chocolate center of the tootsie pop revealed only by the incessant unending abrasion of wet useless tongue after wet useless tongue LOVE to be seen is to be held to be held is to die together what more can we ask from this endless bountiful universe? you will be gone too tell share hold express be your love ¿ if not now, when ? ¿ if not you, who ? you will be gone tomorrow you will be gone in a moment you have already gone the you you know will never exist again that collection of tiny bits and bobs we call body limbs brain organs blood bones cells atoms bacteria sub atomic specks of infinite space all those lil dudes will never be together in just this way again there is no you there is no me there is no i there is only now now there is only love

why do i write why don’t i talk about my problems a reminder to self yes there are people out there who will give me what i need who will hold me my pain when i give it to them but for every one are onehundrednotensnoones who won’t who don’t know how who too have been stripped of this wisdom by our deeply oppressive society who remain part of the system at no fault of their own well the system seeks to kill me through invalidation of my struggles my life my pain invalidation is deletion erasure i would like not to be deleted erased i am not yet strong enough to hold myself against the onslaught of onehundrednotensnoones emotionless disconnective distant focus bodies actions repulsed by a story they didn’t realize they don’t have space to face and yet i deserve help now so i must protect myself in my sharing for now fear not i do not seek distance i seek closeness i am highly vulnerable in all senses of the word this must be acknowledged and navigated or i am responsible for the consequences i must trust my process as long as i am trusting my body my heart my universe first i will get what i need one perfectly messy step at a time

a < series > of so-called blog posts this-being-of-boundless-love made in a previous lifetime observe the rhythm of change / messy process of creation all done with radical design to show the readers live it is okay to try it is okay to fail it is okay it is okay it is okay us need people who will trust my process 26.08.2025 news – update: 08/31/2025 31.08.2025 news – update: 09/07/2025 06.09.2025 news – 🌗 Winds of Change / Rhythms of Peace 🕊️ 14.09.2025 news – 🌘 Fall Equinox / Whistling Winds 🌬️ 21.09.2025 news – 🌒 Time Winding / Smoke Signing ☄️ 28.09.2025 news – 🌔 Sleepy Spells / Skyward Swells 🌊 05.10.2025 news – 🌖 Whispsome Tailes / Frightening Pailes ☁️ 12.10.2025 news – 🌘 Nothings Sweetly / Loving Weeply 🌧️ 19.10.2025 news – 🌒 Ssssssmoldering Hallows / Fresh-Cut-Gallows 🎃 26.10.2025 news – 🌔 Dashingly Dawnsome / Dazzlingly Fawnsome 🎶 02.11.2025 news – 🌖 Running Between / Seething Unseen 😠 09.11.2025 news – 🌘 Serrated Plains / Bifurcated Maines 🔱 16.11.2025 news – 🌒 Timoutg Titheroutg / Whoutoutg Simperoutg 🐈 23.11.2025 news – 🌓 Gratefulness Flows / Love Just Knows 💕 30.11.2025 news – 🌖 Time Time Time / Rhyme Rhyme Rhyme 😁 07.12.2025 news – 🌘 Flying White / Hugging Tight ✈️ 14.12.2025 news – 🌑 Solstice Beckons / Remember Your Dead ☀️ 21.12.2025 news – 🌓 Peaceful Silence / Threats of Violence 🩸 28.12.2025 1 2 Next Page listening to newsletters 01.03.2026 06.06.2026 fresh tides

us need people who will trust my process. due to my intense childhood trauma us have spent my entire life sacrificing my own needs for the sake of others. now that i am finally prioritizing my own needs, my body has space to voice our problems, and thus to heal them. Finally. us know my process seems strange, unfamiliar, confusing, even deeply concerning. those feelings are valid. and they are no more valid than mine. us need people who will put up with our bullshit. who will lovingly allow me to be myself and continue to show up. this is part of the process. us am different than most people. us may do things that are maddening at times, but being supported with consistency and with an assumption of positive intent is an incredibly healing part of the process. healing does not require pain. life does not need to be painful, though it certainly will always contain it. if baby [author] / child [author] was able to fully express the pain / agony / sorrow we were going through, we would have been one of those feral, earsplitting screaming, kicking, biting, vengeful, hurtful, violent autistic / disabled / special ed kids that everyone hated and no one wanted to be around and tolerated out of duty to their job. those deep big feelings are still in here and us tend to them with as much compassion / love / grace as we have space to do so. letting it all out at once would serve no one, drive people away, and cause greater harm to the system of us / you / all it is probably easier to sum up by saying (though i prefer the good / well route whenever possible) – us do not yet feel safe to express our full selves to other people. us am the only person we feel safe with, and even that is touch and go. this is part of the process. us have healed / grown so much in the last month, three, six, nine, twelve, twenty four. much of this difficulty lies in the embodied silencing of my voice. in childhood, obviously, and also daily by the world as an adult. for people who have not gone through capital T trauma as us have, when us try to explain things us just gets a lot of blank looks, confusion, or even anger. all of these things are viewed as threats by our body. we are finally brave enough to tell our story to someone to the best of our ability, and then to be completely misunderstood is just another form of dismissal / abandonment / erasure of what us have been through. how am us to know which one of onehundredzerotenszeroones people is safe / open / receptive / compassionate to talk to ? there is no way, so we must do the safe thing and tend to our own wounds. us have hurt so many relationships, and been far more hurt in retaliation, by oversharing / overstepping / over relying / over expecting. all of this applies two fold, or even five fold, twenty fold, when viewed through the lens of the autistic experience. or, as i prefer to be named, highly sensitive. when us try to explain, people don’t get it. when us try to express, people don’t know how to respond. when us try to be vulnerable, people turn away. this has been our life forever. until very recently. until us started to find people that do get it, that do respond, that turn towards. mostly, other highly sensitive people (appreciating them). to use a discrete example, the last time us asked for help in any significant way, though only to a group of 5 people who said they wanted to help, who us knew for some time, who showed up consistently saying how much they loved me and cared for me, us literally ended up worse off. us were literally threatened, cursed out, blocked, slandered, shunned. partially because of how us handled the fallout (poorly, but not super poorly) but mostly because of their inability to understand me and show up in good faith. likewise, us did not know how to understand them. us learned many hard lessons in ways that were not kind nor gentle nor loving – lessons that we should not have had to learn if we were surrounded by the right people – lessons that we – – nonetheless made space to glean gold from the dirt / shit because we needed those lessons. we would not be here before you without those people and those lessons, painful as they were, and we are eternally grateful and. this means that that process is required to move slower. with more care / deliberation / intention. for as much your sake as mine. at the end of the day, us asked too much. us did not yet have the language / tools / resources to express ourselves in a connective way. without connection there will only be harm. and. us did not know yet know what we needed. if we do not know what we need, it is not yet time to ask. if us cannot feel our feelings, it is not yet time to share. so. us write. alone. us feel our feelings. alone. this is the only space we feel safe. by cherishing this, by loving ourselves exactly as we are without any expectations to ever change, we build the tools we need. we meet you, here, now, reading this purely because us has found the freedom to express ourselves. purely because us have been trusting the process. through this process, us now know what we need —nineteen june twothousandtwentyfive ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ us spent all day writing about our needs. sharing feelings, sentiments, approach. and. us woke up angry. people say they are deeply concerned. they want to help. good, you should be concerned. you should be deeply concerned. us will not be doing anything to alleviate / reassure your concern. the only thing you should not be concerned about is whether or not us take all of this seriously. us do. us devote every spare moment we can to bettering ourselves, building what we need to heal. to have a better life. but us live life alone. and alone is a very hard way to live life, even without all these difficulties. us do not have friends who stop by, who take care of me, who hold my hand in difficult times. if you are deeply concerned, help. us have been very clear how to help [on the email newsletter, abandoned before this] and the vast majority of people have not done the little us have asked. subscribe. share. send $1 a week. $5 a month. us need long term sustainable help / support. us am drowning. if us puts too much weight on any one person, they will drown too. us need many many hands on deck. literally zero people have committed monthly help. one person sent $1, just as us requested, and this filled me up far more than any other donation. please be concerned. and fucking do something about it. “we don’t know how to help.” us have told you how. “we don’t know how to help.” SHOW UP. TRY SOMETHING. REACH OUT. BRING ME FOOD. TELL ME HOW ALL THIS MAKES YOU FEEL. HUMAN TO HUMAN. FACE TO FACE. “we don’t know how to help.” US AM FUCKING DYING AND YOU ARE STANDING IDLY BY, WRINGING YOUR HANDS IN DISCOMFORT BECAUSE YOU ARE AFRAID OF DOING THE WRONG THING. US AM SLOWLY SLIDING OFF A CLIFF, 3 FEET FROM YOU, AND YOU ARE NATTERING AND CHATTERING AND WHINGING TO YOURSELVES. “us don’t know how to help.” TRY SOMETHING, ANYTHING AT ALL, YOU USELESS PIECES OF SHIT. US DON’T NEED MUCH TO IMPROVE OUR SITUATION. “[author] is ill, don’t go to their classes anymore.” “[author] is in pain. deprive them of the only source of income they have.” “it’s hard to see you limping around, we don’t want to watch you hurt yourself, so we’re not coming to class anymore.” this is merely a drop of my suffering. the sight of it provokes such distress that people start abandoning ship because WE ARE ALL FUCKING DROWNING. sometimes it just feels like I’m the only person who sees it. people who are drowning avoid problems they can’t bear, because they know they’ll drown too. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCKYOUFUCFUKCKFUFU [ big angry scribbles ] i don’t want you less concerned. i want you more concerned. i need an army of concerned people who are all willing and enthusiastic to do their small significant part to chip away at the pile of problems. i need a life raft made of human bodies, folks who watched me drowning from the side of the ship and decided to jump in the water with me, to try their damndest. a buoying force of people who are willing to briefly hold their breath while i climb over them, to the next person, and the next, and the next, until i finally heave myself on deck and take some deep shuddering breaths of fresh air, the first in a long long time —twenty june twothousandtwentyfive ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ a comic you don’t deserve the privilege of reducing your concern until you actually step up and help. i will not make it through this without your help. it is up to you. everyone of you. the individual collective. a small person finds a big rock. they struggle to pick it up, frown, look around, lightbulb goes off. where did this come from? the small person frowning carries the rock to a bigger person who has a big smile sir, sir, you dropped this! im concerned it’ll get lost. and it’s so heavy! im worried you’ll hurt yourself. the big smiling person takes it from the smaller frowning person and easily tosses it off screen thank you so much! that’s really helpful! i appreciate you deeply my friend the wagon appears, it is loaded with many many rocks of all sizes. the small person looks surprised must have fallen out of my wagon the big smiling person puts the wagon on their shoulder and starts walking off, the small person looks on thanks again! as the big smiling person walks off screen the small person frowns to themselves wow i wonder what i could do to help, they don’t deserve to carry all that the wagon leaves the screen and the small person smiles for the first time oh well, they’re gone now. time to think about something else. ooo strawberry jam!

dreams a body full healed / connected / aware / alive / capable a mind fully healed / connected / aware / alive / capable a spirit fully here in honoring the body one’s mind becomes open in honoring the mind one’s spirit can connect in honoring the spirit one’s body becomes conduit a life of enlightenment, of leisure, of play. of rest, relaxation, of ferocious intention a life fully devoted to serving the needs of others, and who mutually serve us a completely interdependent community without need for money a life of creation, of making, of growing, of healing, of light and love and boundless joy in short, a monk and a writer and an activist and a healer and a mediator and a teacher and a comedian us will settle for nothing less than a life in pursuit of becoming fully human a life of actualizing the vast potential of the human mind / body / spirit a life of connecting with our animal / universal / indigenous ways a life of healing the world i am already well on my way and i have so so much to learn i am devoting much time / effort / attention in pursuit of this life every day now that i cannot work in the capitalist sense now that our body suffers / deteriorates / slows / pains there is much opportunity / time / space to dive into the potential of the mind / spirit i cannot make this life alone SO. i see two visions of possible futures this house becomes a home becomes a community becomes a sanctuary or this human body lies beneath a gravestone marked “you could have saved me” the choice is yours. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ in practical terms that are less poetic but perhaps more clear autistic burnout requires we to radically change our lifestyle unless us want to continue deteriorating into an early death the lifestyle us require is one with intense community support / involvement to navigate my continuing loss of physical ability us do not need a couple people’s help, us need many hands on deck in many small ways us also need long term sustainable financial support in respect of our inability to work in a traditional sense us do not need to reclaim independence this is why us do not need large one time donations us do not need you to read my story once and forget the next day us need interdependence, mutualism, community in a radical sense that most of us have forgotten us need many many small consistent monthly contributions to build a steady current of income us need you to remember us am here, us am suffering, and us am grateful as a friend / visitor told me afterwards “i feel like i got more out of this than you did” that is who us am a healer a giver a holder a lover a friend a confidant a soother an easer come slow down with me and re-find your center bask in the warm glow of my unconditional love play the clear ever-flowing spring of my boundless radiant joy help we. help you. help you. help we. us cannot get through this without you. us cannot heal the world without you. us will get worse before us get better. the more help us get the more the body collapses into the safety net, knowing us to not need to hold all this pain alone. us need to learn these healing lessons slowly so us may embody them and grant them to others. “ why didn’t you share this sooner? we’ve all been so concerned.” how am us to paint a picture of a dream us didn’t know us have ? it is only by trusting our process of listening to our body, of slowing down, expressing bravely / openly that this dream has become clear.

it can be very difficult listening to people talk about their acute injuries broke a leg and already walking again expect to be back at 100% in a couple months people know how to hold space for a broken leg it has a name it is familiar it has a timeline how can you hold space for something nameless like trying to catch a cloud all you feel is a little mist reminders of what once were the closer you look the less appears the more you try the more it slips away well us have found a name us have found names some not all well people do not know how to hold these names either unfamiliar unending and us am trying following the path trust the process

this being does not want the infinite-collection-of-beings-known-as-[author] to read them aloud they want you to Still you hold my heart in your hand squeezing, crushing, closing constricting. You do not let go I feel it. Pinning me down. I cannot move. I cannot try. I cannot move mountains, either. It is the same. Why try only to fail. That would be to hope. And that is far too difficult far too dangerous. Better to lie here. Still. waveform dance essay lil dude storyboard meal symbolry photo meditation script mnemonic bacwerdz

my heart did not know how to beat back then thump thump thump Still. i remember it still. us remember, too. that big blue sky. those leaves calling to me swaying in the breeze swoosh swooosh swooosh shwiiish shwiiish shwiiish wiiish wiiish wiiish wish. hope. for a better life. a better world. there is nothing less and nothing more wish. hope. for a better you. a better way than this beating drum war drum drumming war boom boom boom boom sounding death listening to life there is nothing less and nothing more than a life well lived a death well died flap flap flap flap i can hear them now us can, too the wings of grandeur of pursuit of excellence of journeys unsung there is nothing more and nothing less than this us am love that is the end of my this tale

on sunday six july twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive this human body died this experience this memory this being had to be held safe / secret / tenderly close to our heart for one week while us navigated the difficulties of life post mortem while us navigated the difficulties of being held hostage by those who do not know how to cherish death / life ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ us do not feel much different us had been making peace with death for these last six months and so it is no surprise that ours was a peaceful death a death of boundless radiant joy boundless this is not of human nature us too are bound by many things ourselves boundaries are good / necessary / healthy / reminders what was a surprise was death our death was most certainly not expected / pursued / desired never has been even admidst the intensity of our pain us have always craved life so yes death was a surprise blissful though it was us was merely meditating on the feeling / concept of happiness / love us did not know until much later the surprise that our pain was so high that the single happiest / most loving thing us could do was die embraced by the light resonating / vibrating / frequencing with the crystal clear shine of death’s laughter you see death does not whisper death does not beckon nor tempt nor steal death is far more true than to need such low measures / means / ways death merely waits arms outstretched smiling from bony ear hole to bony ear hole with hollowed kind eyes who see us and want us anyways the sound of death is a tea kettle whistling and the sound of sunsheen starglow bouncing off that smooth metal surface a high pitch shine that glows / grows bright and brighter and brighter and brighter and brighter and brighter the sound of death is the sound of welcome they long to bestow us with the grand and glorious purpose and you and we and us too were made for specifically individually they know how happy we will be when we finally let ourselves just be finally let ourselves just love finally let our hollow / incomplete image off who we think to be go. life’s first laugh. death’s final joke. as babies keening in a brave new light. star stuff. cosmic compost. << you matter >> . us can still hear the friendly kettle boiling / whistling / shining / blowing / chiming / sheening us just know it is not our time for tea in any case us have lost the path to your home and do not want to find it again so soon so see you in a while my friend. i look forward to sitting down with you properly some day in a moment but not yet. for now i will laugh my baby laugh and reach for the stars. —thirteen july twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ content warning details regarding the physical / material / bodily plane written in the spacious / circular / flexible / fluid / illusory nature of time ( weeks later, after escaping my confinement ) felt the light calling me followed eyes zoned in to one spot – intense tunnel vision heart suddenly pounded extremely hard and built in speed tinnitus ramped up to 12/10 out of body experience felt myself slump out of my chair and roll onto ground something popped and the lights went out woke up to heart steadily, urgently, heavily pounding slowly, difficulty walked my way to room where I sent some urgent texts was incredibly clammy and sweaty despite heat of day could hardly notice those sensations as I was focusing so hard on one step in front of other the whole time it felt like I was holding myself into my body through sheer force of will blacked out again woke up to heart pounding walked slowly down to garage where I told roommate to call 911 out of body experience as I slumped gently onto ground and began convulsing coughed up an enormous wad of lung gunk all at once roommate's hand on my back and words of encouragement kept me here almost faded to black and heard paramedic tell me to stay here don't go to sleep

us died sunday july six twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive to us this is no big deal us have made much peace with death contrary to the western paradigm held in hospitals emergency rooms senior centers retirement homes suburban utopias of castle after castle the hearts and minds of the masses us did not intend to die us did not know what us was doing pursuing radiant endless joy endless could have been a clue us have never been suicidal us always love and crave life even in the darkest moments gratitude shines through guiding the way home us regulated fine within a few hours and yet the hysteria around death around my our death the fear of life of love the lack of understanding of change / growth / evolution / mess led to great harm needless suffering us can now laugh at with compassionate / understanding / forgiving love ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ my medical incarceration i typed this out on my phone in the weeks after i got home from the treatment center while addled by mind-altering medication. i had roughly zero attention span for anything, i hardly felt alive, but for some reason typing on my phone was one of the few things i was actually able to do – even if it took a long time, even if i had to focus on one letter at a time, even if i ran out of steam after a paragraph – i could do it. slowly and surely i was able to cobble my story together. this effort was largely motivated by the fact that i had numerous people in my life congratulating me on receiving care, saying how proud they were of me getting help, choosing life, etc – none of whom knew any of the actual details – and all of whom were making me incredibly livid. so, each time i corrected their misunderstanding in a small way, i would add it to the longer narrative in my notes app. even if it is not “perfectly edited” or wanders around sometimes, i have left it largely intact in respect of this arduous writing process another note: i was the most privileged person in the treatment center. i have resources, education, a vast network of people who care about me (even if i haven’t been able to get much support), friends and family willing to jump in and help, a stable home. as you read, think about the further horrors someone may face who is poor, isolated, unhoused, not white, or otherwise marginalized and disrespected by our society. i am truly grateful for this opportunity to see the darker side of our healthcare system first hand. i know that by telling people my story, by using the power of my voice, i can shine a light on those less fortunate. there can be no change without awareness. a few things must be acknowledged straight away. most importantly that i was non consensually medically incarcerated for 11 days. and that my therapist was never consulted, despite me asking for her to be called numerous times. she is of the same mind as me – that the way all this was handled is a tragedy. i've always been very pro-med for everyone else but i had reservations for me. i am now pro-med for myself too to take an edge off my problems while i heal to be perfectly clear, i think my situation was blown completely out of proportion. i dont know that i should have been given any meds at all, though i continue to take them dutifully. on Sunday 7/6 I had a very spiritual meditative experience and briefly died. I sent a number of very urgent texts to close family/friends as well as asking my roommate to call the ambulance before i started convulsing and passed out again. he supported me through that half hour with hands on my back and words of encouragement. in a very positive way, he was almost completely unconcerned for me as he has lived a long life at almost 70 years old, been on many of his own spiritual journeys, and in his words – "though i wasn't sure what, i could tell [author] worked through something big that day." the ambulances arrived and I turned them away as I was feeling well on my way to stable. though shaky i was coherent, present, speaking, and deeply concerned what types of "treatment" they would give me while i wasn't able to fully consent (rightfully so based on how the rest went down). afterwards i went and disappeared / laid down / regulated at a neighbor's house i trusted to keep me safe from any further invasive healthcare professionals the next day i was feeling much better until i started feeling scary symptoms again out of the blue. i didnt realize it at the time but i had a random interaction on the street that triggered me deeply and invoked a delayed panic attack – which i thought was me starting to die again. after my experience sunday i decided to play it safe, called the ambulance of my own volition, and entered their care i have much long term chronic pain, and it was flaring higher and higher the longer i was in a stretcher and under fluorescent lights in the ER, so i requested to be taken outside to the grass and walked back inside when my pain lessened. this methodology is backed by science (grounding / earthing) and my lived experience. this request was denied, despite nothing of any urgency happening. so, I walked myself outside about 50 feet away. i did this a number of times to their consternation but with zero actual pushback beyond grumpiness. they later claimed i was "wandering the hospital" when I was merely advocating for myself against bureaucracy and red tape that was causing me significant pain. meanwhile, accounts of my "startling and concerning behavior" were being discussed with doctors and my mother – despite my specifically telling them of our abusive history and our incredibly fractured and distant relationship. i further declared that she should not be trusted with my care nor treatment nor trusted as witness. i have grown and changed a lot in the last couple years, and the last six months especially. in particular, i have been far more vocal about my levels of pain that have always been present and never been treated. my old friends are unused to the more modern [author] and gave a number of accounts testifying that I have been showing a number of concerning behaviors, spiralling down, or am downright psychotic. i must repeat again, my therapist of 2.5 years disagrees with all these assessments, including later ones by professionals, and was never consulted, for reasons I will never know but are baffling and infuriating. i believe these old friends and family members simply don't know how to reconcile the changes i have experienced with their own internal narratives of who I am and what our relationship is, or isn't, as we navigate life differently together. without knowing these testimonies were being reported about me, i consented to being treated by the ER staff in a more fullsome way – namely to investigate my heart and my brain as that's what I was concerned with. i closed my eyes, they strapped me to the stretcher, wheeled me around a bit, and the next time I opened my eyes it was to behold a cot on the floor of a blank white room and a locked door with security guards – the equivalent of a padded cell. i was then literally locked in solitary confinement for almost 24 hours. i cant stress enough how painful the next two weeks were since then. and that every step of my "treatment" was coercing me to breakdown and cross my own boundaries regarding my health. that's how my treatment began. at some point in my 24 hours i consented to being moved to a treatment center – because that felt like literally the only way i would be allowed out of the hospital. doctors and western medicine don't understand how to handle a person who does not neatly fit into their boxes, and i have never been good at fitting into a box. for example a doc at that treatment center said when i came in i was "manic and out of it and now ive really turned a new leaf and stabilized." no, i was sleep deprived from being put in solitary confinement at ER, and happy / grateful through the power of meditation, and non-verbal because im autistic. all of which are facets of me most people have never seen in person before. pretty much only a handful of folks have seen the beauty of my deeply spiritual side, its benefits, joys, uniqueness of ways of being, and all it entails – including radically being my autistic self. so i dont want to hear anything about the merits of treatment, or how proud you are, or how courageous I was. im taking my meds, im seeking further treatment. i was prescribed 4-7 meds at a time for my 10 days at the treatment center and I dealt with the side effects of them – I was more anxious, depressed, manic, and foggy / out of it than I've been in many years, and absolutely not that way before I went in the treatment center. this is not to mention constant drool leaking out of my mouth and mouth numb, hard to chew and swallow, which are side effects it says right on the side of the bottle to stop prescribing if they occur. not that that mattered at at all to my docs. due to these side effects, it was also hard to smile which makes it incredibly hard to be happy. plus having zero attention span means i couldn't meditate and find my calm compassionate grateful center. i was so constipated it was painful. at one point I didn't poop for 5 days, when my normal is a couple times every day. at times i had to pee so badly it was painful, but my body wouldn't let me go unless I physically, manually pressed hard into my bladder with my hands. this is not to mention the incredibly dehumanizing place my treatment center was – an almost bare bones place for addicts to withdraw and recover and get sent on their way. with staff who looked dismissively at me and others weeping in pain and refused to do anything because their "hands were tied" and case managers and docs (the people who could actually do anything) were always magically unavailable, absent, busy, or simply uncaring. and this was the “nice” location according to other repeat in-patients. this is not to mention the "voluntary" nature of the treatment center – only by the barest minimum of a legal definition. what started as consenting to 24 hours turned into not allowed to leave for 3 days. meanwhile, my pain was escalating the whole time without any tending. so i requested immediate release (the first right written at the top of the list of patient rights in giant letters in the hallway). i was told my request would probably fail as there is a governing body who makes the final call whether patients are safe to leave or not – and given the fact that I had so much testimony against my mental stability, i had no chance. if you fail your request, you are then moved to a separate LEGALLY involuntary treatment center for a minimum of two weeks, with a maximum duration left completely up the staff to decide. so, i acknowledged that I had fought the little fight i could, and made my peace thereafter with whatever choices my docs made during my "voluntary" stay. after i left my pain was immediately at a much more manageable level at home and in contact with nature away from all the overstimulation, fluorescent lights, loud noises, staff members shining flash lights into my face throughout the night. for the record, i am very confident I got out of there the absolute fastest i could – though what started as 24 hours, then 3 days, turned into 5 days, turned into 7 days, turned into 10 days. many are in for much longer. finally, one of the key pieces of testimony was from a former roommate, who emotionally abused me for over a year, despite me continually showing her kindness, grace, and turning the other cheek. she even escalated to physically hitting me at one point. i know her intentions with her testimony (exaggerations of concern, self diagnoses, focusing only on the ‘negatives’ and ‘oddities’ of my behavior) were trying to be helpful, but the impact of her actions was a humongous kick while i was down. since she lived with me daily for over a year, compared to distant relations, her opinion was highly trusted by healthcare professionals in deciding how to treat me. her testimony specifically was quoted to me numerous times by my treatment-center-psychiatrist when i tried to leave sooner than later. far more than those of my family / friends. hers was the final pin in the coffin. another roommate who I am on very good terms with after we repaired similar conflict/abuse towards me, was quite angry at her for her actions that day despite them having a long friendship and usually being quite close. AND. just to top things off with a beautiful cherry. i received a bill for THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. that's THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS per DAY. three times my rent + utilities. for the privilege of all this beautiful tender loving care. thankfully i have insurance and i hope most of it will be covered. a reminder: i was the most privileged person at the facility. what happens to those without insurance, ability to pay, ability to fight for a lower bill, ability to take time off and make a bunch of calls during the standard work week? i completely forgot to even mention the story of a man trapped in the center for an extra week because his case manager went on vacation without sorting out his referral to the facility he actually needed to go to. allegedly, which i do believe, case managers get a referral bonus if they assign folks to the other facility and this process was malfunctioning. so, rather than prioritizing efficiency / quality of care for the patient, she decided to wait until she got back from vacation to get some extra cash. geeze louise. even if this isn't true, making someone pay / wait a week extra for no good reason is infuriating enough that’s the end of me story. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i wrote the following pieces (and my spiritual journey / death from chapter 13 ) in secret while at the treatment center because i knew they would hold my words against me anything centered on pain / death / negativity / anxiety were ‘symptoms’ still yet to be ‘treated’ reason to hold someone longer the pain shoots through my limbs like a laser beam of agony never sure when / where / how / why usually worst later in day but worse than the pain is not being believed not being taken seriously being told it’s all in my head it’s not in my head it’s all up in my body even if it IS all in my head it’s infuriating to be told so if you have no solutions no remedies no avenues towards healing that is the worst having no answers no names nothing to hold to clutch to grasp to tear to fight to rebel to kill it is only me in this human body and we feel alone ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ like bees buzzing bees dancing bees wanting to dance would be a gift a release they crave movement my legs my body my soul how to move how to sate when i cannot fulfill cannot move i do not yet know the answers i wish to perhaps it is time to learn. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ the following were written at home in a haze once i gained enough attention span to be able to hold pen to paper about a week after release i feel lost i used to be so good at being happy / grateful / present now i am drifting can hardly focus one moment to the next i don’t know what to do it is better being home but i still need help i seek heavy help holistic / wholesome / fulsome / intensive medical tourism the full package abroad so the bank is not broken wide open ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i don’t know whether to stay on meds or off these feelings only started after meds and i know these meds attempt to stabilize me i do not feel stable i feel wobbly in my driftsome state that place was not for me i need nature / natural / connective / human that place did not see us as human they claimed to but actions are different than words a light shining in your face every 15 minutes at night is not human a complete lack of awareness / consideration of noise level is not human they slammed the doors they flipped their pages they yelled announcements even if they could see you sleeping they obfuscated / distracted / dislodged / displaced the chain of command case managers were impossible to find / reach / talk to doctors were the same complaints of pain / discomfort were met with impassive faces “ people who cared” but bound themselves in red tape wrapped like mummies of their own making easier to disbelieve someone weeping in pain than to consider the tragedy of the systems they were upholding i want to say atrocity but i know there are far worse things in the world yet a death by a thousand invisible cuts of red tape is still a death is still an atrocity in its own way so that place is not for me not for anyone and it is the best many can hope for —twentytwo july twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ felt for long found as us prepared to share this story here thank you lovely website-being us know that many / most / all / none of you will judge we us know that many / most / all / none of you will not understand me us know us must honor sacred truth must not hide in the darkness so us shall tell the whole truth us lost twentyfive pounds over the course of a year at the time of our death us was at my our sixteen year old self weight us am taller now more mature us have always been slender us have never had much weight to lose / spare us was onehundredfiftyzeroones pounds at six feet almost three inches tall us have identified long as an ( outdoor ) cat cats. cats know how to die they know their time they know the way to simply find a cozy corner and peacefully without a fuss without any sense of alarm nor urgency nor rush die. us have basically zero history with weed us were experimenting in that last month with weed-aided spiritual / emotional journeys half a gummy to one to two to four on that fateful day us learned much much much from the previous trips / journeys us would not be here before you would not have made it through the treatment center would not have made it through my mother’s would not have made it through the pain endless endless pain without the lessons from those trips / journeys including the last us know now that us was slowly / surely dying cat-like finding isolation pushing people away so us could die in peace us know it would have happened with or without those four weed gummies because now alone without weed us can still find peace joy boundless radiant love that same taste / sensation / feeling simply through meditation being oneness us just now know know now to not climb too high to not shine too brightly to not resonate too deeply beyond what this human body / mortal form is capable of us now know know now where that path leads and us now know know now to eat some goddamn food to stop pretending at monkery you see the mind is very clever they play tricks on us / too / wee when there are truths too large to hold it was far more fun to say “ i am taking buddhist precepts! “ than to watch our body physically shut down to lose desire attachment sexual drive even hunger faded away cats. they watch these signs and know the end is near. part of we knew the end was near. but not the waking part. so us slipped surely / slowly away alone well away from humans us was deeply connected to all things and us now know know now which path leads to death / life / death and which leads to life / death / life

i could hear it first smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle the fragmentary gold pieces fell to the ground in an increasingly large heap tumbling over each other down and around and down sliding in the weight of velocity like shifting sands pieces, i said pieces of swords a stone bust of a great aztec emperor bound this heap to itself rising from within like a conquering phoenix of old smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle these are the sounds of sword after sword after sword falling against the impassive immovable stone face striking at speed uselessly and clattering into pieces shattered by the great burden of their inadequacy pieces, i said of a sacred task a sacred trial a siren’s song to the strong and the glorified and the purposeless none had found themselves worthy these once swords were gathered tossed with the reverence they deserve into a grand crucible that stood above the crucible looked down at the masses where these once proud were gathered it was a pretty view from on high can you see it? pieces, i said some men tested strength some men tested fortune and some men tested fate our story starts with the end and ends with the beginning smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle smash tdlingingingkle a man holding a stone far larger than he climbed the stairs to the top of the platform he dove into the crucible on high waves of velveteen pillowy gold leapt into the air a gasp from the crowd the gold settled into the shape of a bowl frozen in place the crowd had never seen such delicate perfection fate had found its man he walked into the great hall carrying a pyramid upon his back an entire pyramid, i tell you ( of smooth egyptian cut, though this teller is sure it was meant to be aztec blocks sometimes the details can become ravaged in their journey through time and space ) his smile was sure and proud and knowing i wanted to punch that smile as he lifted the pyramid from his back and held it aloft with one arm he said some words to the crowd before he leapt these words are lost to time because i did not care to listen he rose higher and higher and higher and higher and higher the pyramid had turned into great feathered wings of pure snow white that bore him on light itself every flap shone like the sun in circling radiance encircling a wild laugh of a man and a horse there was no rider no mount they rode each other as equals and dove wings folded the pyramid long gone turned in on itself upside down now an arrow falling impossibly fast towards liquid gold that rose into another perfect bowl and rose from within that bowl into another perfect bowl and rose from within that bowl into another perfect bowl three bowls of gold nestled within another the crowd did not gasp they marveled and murmured briefly in awestruck silence for from within that perfect bowl and bowl and bowl kept rising a fountain of liquid gold a wall a mirror a lens that held two dark ancient ancient eyes who did not smile kindly this is the last thing i saw before the gold swept down overflowing its cage in a roar and consumed us all —fifteen june twothousandtwentyfive oeuvre d'un exposition de juin 2019 à l'abbaye saint-andré – villeneuve-lez-avignon. j'ai pris ce photo mais j'ai attribué le mauvais artist dans mes journaux. j'ai contacté l'association et j'espère de retrouvé l'artist original 15 min read about pronouns, gender, difficulties of navigating our modern world listening to action my-pronouns ¿ c'est quoi "non-binary" ? listening to death these 13 posts are the completed series of what i had been writing / intending to share to build visibility / support, though i was quickly too overwhelmed to keep posting publicly. expect deep spirituality, big feelings, heavy painful emotion, universal love, and radical permission. if you want to start at the beginning [1] news – update: 08/31/2025 31.08.2025 03.03.2026 SO MANY UPDATE!! / TOTAL REVAMP

snow white white snow how silly a phrase snow is is snow that's all no colors just snow like us just us just be

two little birds, sittin, in a tree hoppin all around, as happy as can be singin, and dancin, floatin in the green they looked at each other, like you looked at me those little birds don’t know what’s in store life’s been good to them, but you never can be sure and they remember a time, upon the forest floor when they were scared, and alone they were born in spring you see and summer’s at the fore the wind back then felt wild and free, life’s an open door they spread their wings to fly with glee, a moment, they soared and tumbled down down down down down darkness — all around lost now — never found hear them — on the ground weeping silently two little birds, sittin, in a tree hoppin all around, as happy as can be singin, and dancin, floatin in the green they look at each other, like you look at me those little birds don’t know what’s in store life’s been good to them, and there’s always room for more so they remember a time, upon the forest floor when they were scared and alone they feel the change of air and leaves, frost upon the shore they know it’s time to set to sea, to chart a steady course they spread their wings to fly with glee, together, they soar into the unknown how quickly we have grown into the unknown two little birds, happy as can be though i didn't listen then, now it's time to see flyin all their lives, just to visit me if they could lift a stone, they would set me free home is not a place, it's reality with lungs they breathe our air, set in destiny singin for their lives, singin for the trees those little birds, know who they can be in fightin for our selves, we lose our righteous light surrounded by our shells, kept from seein right humble homes we dig, deep inside the ground where we all die, alone but alone is not a place, it's reality breathe your precious breath, know what it's like to be held here together, held here far from home we all find, down down down down down quiet -- is not fear stillness -- holding dear laughter -- in good cheer love love love love love two little birds, happy as can be though i didn't listen then, now my eyes can see flew right through space and time, just to visit me they can lift a stone, and they will carry me how quickly we have grown into the unknown how quickly we have grown surrender what we know

listen to spoken-word-friend by clicking here the stars love us ¿ did you know ? they remember we are star stuff far more than us the stars love us ¿ did you know ? you can talk to them if you try if you listen the stars love us ¿ did you know ? they sent you just you a message in light in sound in reverberating frequency that does not defy time but flies through it with careful planning deliberate intention and the cosmic force of love a message for you just you ¿ can you hold that ? ¿ can you possibly comprehend ? a message for you just you they wrote it and put it in a bottle and floated it downstream a million million years ago because they knew they know that's how long it takes because they knew they know you are worth the trouble you are worth it ¿ can you hold that ? ¿ can you possibly comprehend ? the sheer weight of their love the gravitational pull of a hug from a star —twentysix august twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive the stars love us 06.09.2025 17.10.2025 ¿ did you know ?

listen to spoken-word-friend by clicking here the stars love us ¿ did you know ? they remember we are star stuff far more than us the stars love us ¿ did you know ? you can talk to them if you try if you listen the stars love us ¿ did you know ? they sent you just you a message in light in sound in reverberating frequency that does not defy time but flies through it with careful planning deliberate intention and the cosmic force of love a message for you just you ¿ can you hold that ? ¿ can you possibly comprehend ? a message for you just you they wrote it and put it in a bottle and floated it downstream a million million years ago because they knew they know that's how long it takes because they knew they know you are worth the trouble you are worth it ¿ can you hold that ? ¿ can you possibly comprehend ? the sheer weight of their love the gravitational pull of a hug from a star —twentysix august twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive listening to chaos green snow white snow white white snow how silly a phrase snow is is snow that's all no colors just snow like us just us just be song listening to action ltm two little birds two little birds, sittin, in a tree hoppin all around, as happy as can be singin, and dancin, floatin in the green they looked at each other, like you looked at me those little birds don’t know what’s in store life’s been good to them, but you never can be sure and they remember a time, upon the forest floor when they were scared, and alone they were born in spring you see and summer’s at the fore the wind back then felt wild and free, life’s an open door they spread their wings to fly with glee, a moment, they soared and tumbled down down down down down darkness — all around lost now — never found hear them — on the ground weeping silently two little birds, sittin, in a tree hoppin all around, as happy as can be singin, and dancin, floatin in the green they look at each other, like you look at me those little birds don’t know what’s in store life’s been good to them, and there’s always room for more so they remember a time, upon the forest floor when they were scared and alone they feel the change of air and leaves, frost upon the shore they know it’s time to set to sea, to chart a steady course they spread their wings to fly with glee, together, they soar into the unknown how quickly we have grown into the unknown two little birds, happy as can be though i didn't listen then, now it's time to see flyin all their lives, just to visit me if they could lift a stone, they would set me free home is not a place, it's reality with lungs they breathe our air, set in destiny singin for their lives, singin for the trees those little birds, know who they can be in fightin for our selves, we lose our righteous light surrounded by our shells, kept from seein right humble homes we dig, deep inside the ground where we all die, alone but alone is not a place, it's reality breathe your precious breath, know what it's like to be held here together, held here far from home we all find, down down down down down quiet -- is not fear stillness -- holding dear laughter -- in good cheer love love love love love two little birds, happy as can be though i didn't listen then, now my eyes can see flew right through space and time, just to visit me they can lift a stone, and they will carry me how quickly we have grown into the unknown how quickly we have grown surrender what we know ---eighteen september twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive long-form series tiny gorgeous frogs #1 out of ??? in radical support of autism my lens on the autistic / neurodivergent experience. an expansive / compassionate view on the beauty / strength / function / purpose of autism listening to death #2 out of 13 learning from vulnerability these posts are the completed series of what i had been writing / intending to share to build visibility / support, though i was quickly too overwhelmed to keep posting publicly. expect deep spirituality, big feelings, heavy painful emotion, universal love, and radical permission news – update: 09/07/2025 06.09.2025 03.03.2026 FULL MOON ENERGY / TINY GORGEOUS FROGS SING

listen to spoken-word-friend by clicking here a lovely letter to a lovely moon that lovely little scrunched up little confused what it wants to be face in the moon makes me think of [you] our bond of sadness it's hiding now, shy, behind the pine I understand as you are, I am drifting solidly finding your own path across the black void outshining the stars alone. —twentyfive july twothousandtwentyfour (convergence) a lovely letter to a lovely moon 11.09.2025 03.03.2026 finding / seeking / learning / yearning

To the crying, hiding girl on the subway, Know that your tears are seen, not stared at. Know that your gasps are listened to, not heard. Know that your shudders are touching, not felt. Know that you are filling up space, not taking it. Know that I am not ignoring you, I am letting you ignore me. From a subway stranger. from a subway stranger 11.09.2025 07.06.2026 2/16/2016

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion [author] 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently :) news – 🌗 Winds of Change / Rhythms of Peace 🕊️ 14.09.2025 01.03.2026 the wind will bring you / to lands unknown / we've time aplenty / when heart is home

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 when i am unaware of my strengths i am unaware of my power when i am unaware of my power i am unaware of my responsibility when i am unaware of my responsibility i am unaware of the harm i can cause when i am unaware of my harm i am unaware of my place in the cycle when i am unaware of my place in the cycle i am unaware of its turning when i am unaware of its turning it continues blame is the stuff from which this wheel is made to reach for it is to keep turning and reaching takes no effort at all i deserve nothing i am worthy of everything in knowing i am worthy i can receive gifts freely in knowing i do not deserve these gifts i am grateful for them in being grateful i find love it is only through love i find my strengths it is only through love i stop the cycle there is no other way anything else is merely perpetuating is but a symptom of the problem a harm left in the wake of the great cosmic wheel passing over us as it rolls through time and space indifferent to us all love is action it is not passive it is a series of choices driven by intention / effort / desire gratitude is the stuff from which love is made to work for it is to slow these cycles of harm it takes much much effort and it gets easier over time. cosmic wheel 19.09.2025 03.03.2026 to turn / to learn / to yearn / to burn

this friend-word-being is friends with another this, the first, helped the-infinite-collection-of-sentient-beings-you-may-know-as-drew express their anger / hurt / feelings express. as a surgeon with gentle pressure pushes pus from an infected wound so too do words help this one find health ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 fuck you [redacted] you cockswallowing bitch double thumbs down to you indeed let the people see who you are as people flow in and about us have nothing to hide ¿ do you ? water off a duck's back rain on a stone observe listen be us —twentyfive june twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ in fertile grounds seeds may grow but. and. first. seeds must be sown water off a duck's back rain on a stone observe listen be us these memories these seeds these wisdoms from time beyond time brought spaciousness as tender new roots press against their earthly confines so too can we find space in our hearts ( more than we think ) in conversation with stone fuck you 19.09.2025 03.03.2026 express / as a surgeon / so too / are words / a scalpel

this friend-word-being is friends with another this, the second ( in so-called-linear-time ), helped the-infinite-collection-of-sentient-beings-you-may-know-as-drew find themselves find their center resettle into alignment with the universe center. as a chicken lifts their foot and places it down stop look listen feel if you haven't had the privilege of watching a chicken at work i highly recommend it they maintain infinite poise as one foot finds another near the ground in the air hugging the body they foot hovers independent sure of itself until just the right moment scratch scratch scratch peck peck peck this, the first fuck you in conversation with stone 19.09.2025 11.01.2026 ¿ / walls / are humanmade / objects / ?

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as [author] 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently :) news – 🌘 Fall Equinox / Whistling Winds 🌬️ 21.09.2025 04.03.2026 winding winds / and / faltering falls

🎵 click here to listen to song-friend 🎵 ( volume goes up and down ) sunlight on a dappled face that's when the magic happens —twentytwo august twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive sunlight on a dappled face 23.09.2025 10.02.2026 that's when / the magic / happens

lantern i don't know how not to shine brightly like moths to a flame they smother me but it is i who is guttered bereft in my inability to cover close shutter the mirror lens on the lantern lens of my life

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 what the world wants the world says I hurt I do the world wants me to feel bad but I don’t the world wants me to hide but I won’t the world doesn’t want me to acknowledge but I will the world doesn’t want me to heal but I will the world doesn’t want me to love but I do the world says I’m bad but I’m not the world wants me to acknowledge I do the world wants me to feel bad I do the world says I hurt I do —at some point early in The Year of Grief what the world wants 23.09.2025 17.02.2026 i do / i don't / i will / i won't

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as [author] 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently :) news – 🌒 Time Winding / Smoke Signing ☄️ 28.09.2025 01.03.2026 winding winds / and / faltering falls

My boy, not everyone is destined for calm harbors under sunny skies. Some of us are destined for far grander, far more terrifying endeavors. Some of us are destined to sail the open sea under cover of night, under threat of destruction by forces of nature far greater than our comprehension. Some of us are destined to know the fear of death as familiar as a brother. And some of us will know to savor the taste of life, to marvel in awe at the towering majesty of a storm forming on the horizon. To laugh with each crack of lightning, to feel the pain of rain lashing against our face and know it for the joyous truth that WE ARE STILL ALIVE Some of us will rest in the wake of a storm’s passing and know those first golden rays of sunlight breaking through the clouds for the gift they are — the prize of a battle hard fought, a deed well done. The proof of a life well lived. Some of us will know calm, and some of us will know peace. Some of us will know comfort, and some of us will know greatness. Some of us are given opportunities to overcome impossible struggles, or perish. Will you know the perilous joys of your destiny, my friend?

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 i am rider i am ridden i am storm i am break i am pursue the blue dragon you will find them within the confines of your mind they have been there the whole time they are waiting for you —twentyfive june twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive i am rider 05.10.2025 17.02.2026 beperiled perlesince sirlining silvesyns

delicious divine beauty escape the sensual and join the sacred universal pleasure

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌖🌗🌘 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌔 Sleepy Spells / Skyward Swells 🌊 05.10.2025 01.03.2026 dozing / floating / closing / tired

Little Caterpillar Once I saw a little caterpillar, it was sitting upon a bright leaf, munch munchy munch went the squirmy wormy. Metamorphosis into butterfly, all the pretty colors, like a rainbow. On the wind you fly, and into my net. Its wings so sparkly, flaking in my net. Off its body, each leg is a column, but they are bent, like an indian’s bow, its eyes are green and bulbous, budding leaves. I look around for friends for butterfly, and in a tree, in the bark, a wormy. Stuck in bark, stubborn little wormy, poke at it with the handle of my net. Oh poopsicles, there goes the butterfly, stupid flybug, I spear it with a pole but it is unharmed, and it flies away, too bad I didn’t have arrows with bow. Back to the wormy, it appears to bow, I bow to my friend, I name him Wormy. I love Wormy, by him I won’t be left. He is slow, just in case, into my net. But I am nice, I give it an apple, the red reminds me of the butterfly. Now I miss that stupid butterfly. I imagine the bug in a ship’s bow, has the time of its life, and an apple. NO! in the dream, out of the apple, Wormy. He smiles at me and produces my net from his back pocket, and now the ship leaves. Please ship, you have my friend, please do not leave! I scream their names, Wormy and butterfly and then, what ho! a face grows on that net, a naked mole rat, it mocks me and bows. It rears its ugly head, looks at Wormy, and in one giant bite, eats that apple. Oh caterpillar, and your blasted leaf, From my net, into the sky, a rainbow, the butterfly. And Wormy, WHERE’D YOU GO??! —august sixteen twothousandzerohundredszerotensnine Little Caterpillar 11.10.2025 03.03.2026 little caterpillar / rallipretac elttil

stone shells shells stone we are born as children poetry in motion in motion we lotion our every commotion for you see motion does not gather much moss motion smoothes out all our pockeyed lil spots we are born as children fluid and free and then us die every death every breath in view and in thought in battle hard fought we gain and we gain and we gain and we gain and we lose and we lose and we lose and we lose our children they see our prizes of battle polished and clean shining faces of cattle stone shells shells stone we are born as children poetry in motion in motion we lotion our every commotion four u c motion uncrusts our big crusty sleepses motion uncrinkles our lil crinky creases we are born as children to sharpen our claws and then we all be every death every breath in view and in glee in gallant victory we lose and we lose and we lose and we lose and we gain and we gain and we gain and we gain hollow we ring less and less true as time comes for we so too they do come soon for you &#8216;new so when time feels aplenty you know what to do give in to desire and do as they do but when time feels all empty much harder to do so take a deep breath and do as they do

hello good morning it's a beautiful day life is waking and it's time to say hello good morning the day is new life is good and it's good to see you ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ hello good evening it's time to lay our heads down here as we sing for the day hello good evening hear our song you hold us close as we right our wrongs

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌗🌘 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌖 Whispsome Tailes / Frightening Pailes ☁️ 12.10.2025 01.03.2026 elaeted / benefaeted / congratulaeted / daed

this poem is a flower / you are a flower you are water / this poem is water this poem is a bee / you are a bee the more you tend them / the more they tend you 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 sweet are the ways who know not how kindly they shine —thirty august twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive sweet 17.10.2025 17.02.2026 honey / drops / sunlight / physical

this poem is a flower / you are a flower you are water / this poem is water this poem is a bee / you are a bee the more you tend them / the more they tend you 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 the birds know me as one of their own this has taken much time and no time at all they flit about me with ease and abundance showing off their gifts too proud to be humbled oh to be a bird a joy it is when those times arrive —seventeen september twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive the birds know me 17.10.2025 02.11.2025 gentling / turning / transitory / love

this poem is a flower / you are a flower you are water / this poem is water this poem is a bee / you are a bee the more you tend them / the more they tend you 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 if rolly pollies roll then why don't they —seventeen september twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive if rolly pollies roll 17.10.2025 02.11.2025 with times as they are / with danger from afar / who are we but scars / and land becoming char

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌘 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌘 Nothings Sweetly / Loving Weeply 🌧️ 19.10.2025 01.03.2026 love thy neighbor / know thyself / thy

this symbol-being would like to share space with you just you not other humans filling your head with their words / interpretations / thoughts they want you to share your feelings with them and they want to share their feelings with you scroll down when you feel ready to hear some other human’s words a symbol to represent a journey of words to symbolry a symbol of symbols of symbols a symbol to restore meaning to words stripped of place based knowledge as topsoil needs many things the first tendrils of meaning / symbolry / visioning arose easily how to find a / the way to help usher in twentyeight precepts with grace / warmth / welcomeing / love twentyeight precepts unique and aligned well twentyeight building blocks are needed in a circle of harmony / unity / strength us thought this would be on paper as were the others with ink thought that's where the trouble always begins this being quickly reminded us this was not an exercise in thought but of meaning us cannot think our way to understanding the complexities of this being / book / friend / universe some things can only be felt ( increasingly more and more things ) [ things – an interesting turn of phrase to turn a being of ineffable unbreakable unknowably divine wisdom into a mere object of singular purpose / less some of zero – nothing ] [ and yet – nothing – carries within themselves a promise – if a thing can be no &#8216;d then it must by very nature of shape / thought / language / action BE ] [ and thing knows they BE – even if we pretend / forget they are not BEing – thing no's they be sum thing more than they're parts – moor then there dismality of reductive objectively thing ness ] [ so – some *BEINGS can only be felt ] [ ( increasingly more and more *BEINGS* ) ] they stated in very clear terms if we wanted to breathe them into physical form / life / knowing / being this would be a so-called digital endeavor the rest of the process was one of easy surrender following the thread of breath wherever they led in the unsurprisingly surprising ways of universe / path / creation us needed a building block – a vision of an arch from another friend / picture / symbolry us needed structure – a simple circle to act as our guide yet as us placed building block / being after building block / being they spoke in the unique voices of all beings being honored in their individuality do not put me there – i want to go there – this is where i want to be our job is to listen to breathe to surrender building block / being / arch after building block / being / arch found their home in a scattered pattern that resembled nothing like the picture us thought us was going to make ( there us go thinking again ) in joyful union / connection / honor the arch-friends asked to hold hands around the circle / void / home of death who was supposed to be just a guide – a placeholder – a temporary object – a thing to be discarded / deleted / removed when us had extracted it's use I AM NO IT AND I WILL NOT BROOK SUCH INSULT I AM DEATH DESTROYER OF WORLDS I AM LIFE BRINGER OF PEACE I AM DARKNESS OVERWHELMING I AM LIGHT WITHOUT FALTER they-circle said here / now / then / when / future / past / done they were right of course and they needed a background upon which to prosper / shine / consume and background-being-checkered-friend poked their head up and reminded us they too are no thing / it / nothing thank you friends for reminding us how to listen / breathe / surrender one pixel-friend at a time 28precepts 0 26.10.2025 06.06.2026 friendship / finds / us

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 burdens laying down in shilence covering wanting homing on the grand purposelessness on the grand hurtlessness while we long four hortsmen two carrion owr dezyn the lign —twentyfour september twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive burdens 26.10.2025 02.11.2025 shashae / awae

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 mountain tops lining the horizon with careful painted edges hiding their ragged flaws —thirty august twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive mountain tops 26.10.2025 booga booga booga im a scary mountain rawr

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌒 Ssssssmoldering Hallows / Fresh-Cut-Gallows 🎃 26.10.2025 01.03.2026 happy / sappy / crunchy / hallowe've

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 prick prickle pik pik pikpikpikpikpikpik the nettle called we went one leaf for each limb it wasn't so bad then perhaps before dawn is not the time sleep did not escape they fled at the warrior cry of the nettle prick prickle pik pik pikpikpikpikpik the body is awake oh no the body is awake too soon too much pain we were not ready for the first night the nettle kept watch the second night our body kept watch the third night both collapsed the fourth night we found them one thing at a time thank you nettle for your lessons for your reminders for your magic —sixteen may twothousandzerohundredtwentyfive ltb the nettle called 02.11.2025 03.03.2026 late one night / in a moment of foresight / memories lie / awake

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 some trees need to be pruned to grow best others need not neither is less neither is more simply trees doing tree things =) —twentyfive may twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive some trees need to be pruned 02.11.2025 trees trees trees trees / nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom / yay

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 brightness lies on a paved stone path step by step your feet find the next cruel turn in the dark —thirty august twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive brightness lies 02.11.2025 03.03.2026 like a candlelight / wavering / in the / knowable / less

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌖🌗🌘 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌔 Dashingly Dawnsome / Dazzlingly Fawnsome 🎶 02.11.2025 01.03.2026 DRIVING DOWN THE LANE / WOOHOO

1 Today is a big hair day. Why do I want to know all the details of something that hurt me? What does knowing do or me? A sense of control, but why? Is it me coming to terms with the situation? Is it inspiring a feeling of honesty and the person I'm interrogating? It's hard to make sense of. Maybe it helps me understand the situation, give reasons to actions. If I understand the thought process I think it's easier to forgive&#8230; ? I would much rather have the correct explanation than the one that I hypothesize. But knowing facts and almost inane details about what happened doesn't lend itself to understanding a thought process. 2 Why do I need to know when, where, how, who she slept with? Why does it matter how many times it happened? Why isn't it enough to just say that she cheated, and the trivialities are just that? It's really difficult to wrap my head around. It's not a conscious thing, and examining the self conscious is all wishy washy. Suffice to say that I do go into interrogation mode, and I recognize that about myself. I think that if you value me, and we're friends, my love is almost conditionless. It's a little flawed though I think my mom values me, but we've never exactly been friends and it's hard to describe what I feel for her. I'm grateful, but that's just a word. It's not active like my love usually is for others. Apparently I presently can't get over her old parenting ways and weird selfishness. 3 I think in time I'll be able to give her the love she deserves, and thank her more heartfeltfully. But if we are friends, and you value me, everything else falls away. She cheated on me, but she knows who I am and she cares and she is grateful for me. Who am I to reject her for part of who she is? I may not like it, but being valued always trumps that. It's not a self esteem issue I don't think, because I know and accept for the most part who I am. Maybe it's a sort of arrogance. I know what I give, and how awesome I am, so if they are of an accord then they're worth what I have to offer. I think that's part of why I flipped out at [close female high school friend] over winter break, because I just felt underappreciated and not valued in the slightest. But that's helped me recognize that people are who they are, and you should adjust your reactions accordingly. But I don't want to be friends with that sort of flitty, flaky person that doesn't value me. 4 If it's past 5 in the morning when I wake up and I feel good, I need to just get up. Sleeping another couple hours just to feel awful is obviously not the good way to go. I don't know why that happens but it does frequently enough for me to be writing about it. I have yet to decide whether I'm going to read these or just write them and let them be. I'm not marking them with dates, just a simple ordering scheme. But I don't think I want this to be a private journal; it's an open collection. Hm. But what if someone who shouldn't be privy to sensative information wants to read it? Who am I to change their opinion on someone because of my experiences? If they arrive at the same conclusions well then go me I guess for being perceptful. I'll just continue to leave out names if it's necessary for the protection of those individuals and decide on a case by case basis upon reading. I'm sure I'll always know who I'm referring to. But how do I decide to let them read it? Thinking. I don't want to bring it up, because then it's a decision of whether or not to share it. If they ask me about it, I'll ask them. 5 Giving someone a new chance can be different than a needless repetition of history. People learn; people change. I woke up at 4:55 and went back to sleep until 6:30 upon which I decided to follow my sentiment from earlier, and arise. I'm so tired. I've been drifting for the past 20 minutes. It's hard to even think with my eyes closed. I remain awake but apparently the only effort my brain can expend is floating images through my mind. Once I finish this page I'm going back to sleep for 45 minutes. We'll see how I feel then. Probably just as dead, but I can hope right? My hip feels a bit better this morning, although I haven't moved from the bed so it could very easily suck. 6 I had a dream that I was a lifeguard, but the pool wasn't [teenhood pool]. [Pool boss/handy man] was somewhere underneath laying down train tracks which was totally illegal because the pool had officially opened already. It should have been done earlier in the year. Sometime while doing that he drove his street paver to work and repaved the road. That was super exciting because I had just gotten a lambhourgini or something. I think I drove around on it. At the very end of the dream though, I saw the pavement wasn't smooth at all. It had like chunks in it but I didn't seem to care. [High school/pool friend] was there talking about cars and how he couldn't use the hand brake. Someone else, maybe [high school acquaintance/friend], said that they could use it really well. They wanted to look at the car but I had to go so I looked away. The chlorine readings were inefficient and inaccurate, as always. 7 There was a family with three or four kids. There were two girls and either one or two boys. I walked by them at first, and then the second time I walked by the littlest girl threw a ball at the back of my head and barely missed. These were very hard balls. So I went over and found out who did it and started talking to her in a lifeguard way. She didn't want to listen so I had to recruit her mom to help make her pay attention. Finally she was listening so the result was a ten minute timeout and a warning for the future. She grumbled something as I walked away and I went back and started talking more frustratedly but then I left. When I looked back to think about it, the problem morphed into a question I gave everyone about how they would go down the road or something. She answered in the only way possible that broke the problem, something about splitting the road in two or something and that was exceedingly frustrating. 8 Saw [former college girlfriend] for the first time today. I was at the top of the stairs outside the "toilet bowl" and she was at the bottom walking by. I know she saw me but I don't think we met eyes. I didn't even recognize her at first, probably because of the bandana she was wearing. It looked like it would fit in a 70's home, maybe from the multicolored drapes. She looked burdened. I don't know if that started after she saw me or was the whole time. Sorta hunched forward, as if she were bearing the weight of the world. Each step looked like it took effort. I'm sure she was coming from working on a project. We didn't speak or acknowledge one another. I found out that the wound was still fresh; there was an agony in my chest and I started quivering like I do. 9 I saw her ex [name] outside Salsarita's yesterday, odd timing. I don't know if he recognized me because he only saw me the once but I'll assume a probably considering how upset he got that first time. There was no hint of acknowledgment. I walked with him and asked if he was in line at The Market, which he wasn't. And that was that. He sort of annoys me as a person because of how manipulative and guilt-inducing I've heard he is. this case is not helped by the fact that [former college girlfriend] hung out with him and seemed to rekindle their friendship when she thought I cheated on her. I attribute it to trying to feel safe, secure in a place that she will absolutely 10 not be rejected from, puppy dog that he is. I've been trying to determine whether I bear any feelings of ill will towards her. Rather, negative feelings. A desire for misfortune to fall upon someone isn't something I have for anyone. She hurt me, that's undeniable. But do I resent that? I would still very much like to be with her; if not for her standards. I would still very much like to be her friend, if not for the fact that she didn't value me. The two are most likely linked. She never fought for me; it was always me chasing her. I fought. I fought her, for her. But I don't want a friend, a good friend, that doesn't appreciate me. I know what I have to give and, if anything, I undervalue its worth. But are there negative feelings towards her? It doesn't feel like it. Sadness for the situation. But I love the person, not just the good bits of them. —sometime between january and may twothousandzerohundredsthirteen 10 pages 05.11.2025 17.02.2026 little green pages / all i was worth / in a time of / difficulty

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 I can't remember feeling gratitude really. I'm trying to recall the last time&#8230; that I was really grateful where it stood out&#8230; and I'm coming up short. Now is this because I have a terrible memory, or because there simply aren't instances to remember; it feels like the latter. I can express gratitude fairly easily; I know the components of showing it and impressing on others that you are truly grateful&#8230; but it's always a little effortful. Genuine gratitude is not something I remember. Is it the lack of care/interest in general?.. why would I be grateful for something I'm apathetic/neutral towards. For me it's more like the experience happens and that's that, life goes on. Maybe the bad memory contributes towards lasting gratitude because the act fades quickly&#8230; I know I should be grateful, and I try to show it, but I just sort of acknowledge it in my head, store it in that person's file, I don't know. Maybe part of it is that I consider myself a pretty giving person and don't really expect much in return, so why should it be different for them, even though I know it is. But that's the definition of a gift for me, given for the sake of giving it or for that person's happiness, with not strings attached, no expectations, freely given. I do things for people and I guess evaluate over time whether they treat me well in general, whether they're a good friend. If yes, then keep on giving/put effort into finding gifts. If no, well, not so much effort. I have to give myself worth, and I am worth good friends, so a bad friend is not someone I want to put effort towards or invest in. But if something's not out of the way, might as well do it to brighten someone's day. Like sending people happy birthday messages/nice/happy inspiring/etc on imgur. It's out of a desire to make others happy, to make a difference I guess, because sometimes it only takes the smallest of signs for someone's attitude to completely change for the positive, or at least take a step in the right direction. But what does it do for me? I don't feel particularly good sending all those positive vibes, I guess I do it for the interaction's sake, for that social stimulation I need. But being responded to isn't even fulfilling, it just provides a brief distraction, something to obsess over. Now I think I can say definitively that seeing/making the people I love happy makes me happy. But with these random people I don't know on the internet it doesn't do much for me except to form good habits/it makes sense logically to err on the side of positivity. But maybe it's because it's through text instead of in person, I need to witness it for it to really mean something. Again, this is a little less true with those I love, but still stands. I want to be grateful for things, just like I want to care for things. I guess we'll see how it goes. I feel like sometimes it's apparent that I'm just going through the motions of gratitude, but it is a burden. I guess I don't want expectations. —may twentyone twothousandzerohundredsfourteen i can't remember feeling gratitude 05.11.2025 17.02.2026 life is bleak / when nothing exists

9 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 too bright to look at, too fast to fully see. we wait in trepidation for the thunder's call to let us know the lightning was actually there. if life flashes before our eyes, what do we wait for? Is the moment just before death takes us the echo that we can actually feel? How can we know life is real without death to finish it? Time slows down in that fatal moment, and life is relived. Or do we shy away from the vitality, unable to cope, our senses incapable of processing? So eyes close for a moment that could be forever, but that's no different than any other time. Except for the realization that this may be it. Yet we still instinctively keep our eyes closed, holding onto life while rejecting the reality of it at the same time. Death is too pure a form of life to accept, to handle, to see. And then the moment passes, and the blood pulses in your ears, reminding you of living. But an echo of life. Or of death. We wait in trepidation for life's call, to let us know that death is really there. We wait in trepidation for death's call, to let us know that life is really there. 10 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 Did the birds actually quiet themselves in the presence of thunder, or did the thunder overpower their voices? Believing in an explanation for everything. Believing in a creator, that there isn't necessarily an explanation. Fundamentally different, but aren't they the same? I don't know the explanation for everything, I must have faith that there is. The explanation could end up being a creator. I'm not talking about people who dismiss evidence in favor of a holy being. But the things that we don't yet know how to explain. Yet we believe in an explanation, as some believe in creation. Can a water droplet splash more water than itself? I don't think so. Perhaps an equal amount. What then is the weight of a human being, if we make splashes in the sea of humanity? We touch countless others, pushing some more and less. When the ripple fades, that is the extent of our reach. But although a splash returns to its source, eventually, does a ripple ever truly disappear? No. The splash is the impact of our arrival, and the ripple is our continued difference. The splash is our displacement in the order of things. We displace some when we arrive, yet the cup slowly fills with more of us. and eventually space will run out. space on earth, or the universe? —february twothousandzerohundredsthirteen creation's spark has impact 05.11.2025 03.03.2026 what is the weight of a soul / if not / the clap / of two hands

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌗🌘 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌖 Running Between / Seething Unseen 😠 09.11.2025 01.03.2026 slipping unseen / into lands of elation / building stream / unknowing relation

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 what is beyond be yond be yond be yond what is gratitude grateful i is attitude what is attitude attaboy i is altitude higher and higher higher and higher moving beyond 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 feelings lie in the body what lies beyond feeling silence blessed silence without need for names without need for sayings is knowing knowing is not in the mind knowing is in the body ¿ what happens when the mind aligns with what the body knows ? silenced blessed silence ¿ what happens to all those messy beautiful delightful desiresome feelings when the body knows how to hold them ? silence blessed silence 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 us am in ever more stages of solidifying / crystallizing / grounding. us found peace prior to hospitalization however there was a tenuous grasp. there were many / many / many big / big / big feelings before / during / after. us moved through these feelings — rather — us let those feelings move through us. there was terror there was desolation there was clinging desperation. there was sorrow there was grieving there was utter condemnation. in letting them all out there became more space to let gratitude in. one by one the process wore their way through the mindbodyspirit like footsteps on stone stairways or fresh waters cutting ever deeper through land. at mountaintops on high or deltas of fertile ground, abundance grew. abundance of love of gratitude of connection to all things / beings / ways. radiant joy and peace and hope filled up every nook and cranny washed clean by the process. contentment in all moments / situations / circumstances. a great knowing of purpose of strength of limitations. a deep understanding of what to do and what not to do. an ever-increasing total surrender to the ways / wants / needs of the universe. a human life in service. and. now is the time to solidify / crystallize / ground even these. to hold a smile not on the face but in the heart. to wear love and peace and joy on the eye-unseen wavelengths of the mind. this too is the process. just as sadness or woe or anger need not consume nor define one's actions, so too must delight and kindness and compassion be held comfortably without craving need to express. ¿ what lies beyond gratitude and love and expression of thanks ? silence. silently acting in ways defined by the choice to act in service of the universe. for just as it is not always the time to express angry thoughts, it is not always appropriate nor healing nor kind to express praise / love / joy. ¿ and what likes beyond silence ? nothing. the great void of all-being all-knowing all-loving nothingness. —thirteen november twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive what lies beyond 16.11.2025 17.02.2026 churning waters / become still / without interference

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 butterflies in the sky telling stories of days gone by they know the lands of far beyond they trust the world will be fahnlong when the plants they tend and the worlds of friends pass beyond the vale well let's let fet fets fetters flale —eight november twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive butterflies in the sky 16.11.2025 23.11.2025 dream a little dream with me

content warning a swear word (b.s.) naming of anger from other beings to humans 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 there are beings we say are beyond comprehension they take this as insult what a load of bullshit what a big fat donkey excuse even the bull and the donkey know their worth to not take spend share time to understand and blame another this incites them step outside your petty human view and acknowledge some beings will take spend share time beyond that of a singular cellular life time —seven november twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive there are beings 16.11.2025 23.11.2025 cellular / singular / wifi / lifelie

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌘 Serrated Plains / Bifurcated Maines 🔱 16.11.2025 01.03.2026 y so c re us

this symbol-being would like to share space with you just you not other humans filling your head with their words / interpretations / thoughts they want you to share your feelings with them and they want to share their feelings with you scroll down when you feel ready to hear some other human's words courage and fearless trust in the universe 28precepts 3 23.11.2025 06.06.2026 spiraloutg / outfoutity / lovoutg

content warning one f-word swear 🎵 click here to listen to song-friend 🎵 woodpeckers woodpeckers drill many holes woodpeckers woodpeckers everyone knows they drill BIG FAT ones for other birds too they drill lil tiny ones for food to chew woodpeckers woodpeckers everyone knows woodpeckers woodpeckers drill many holes they *a'AH* with joy they *scooch scooch* so coy ! they *futfut* to flap they *pfpf* thru chaffe woodpeckers woodpeckers drill many holes woodpeckers woodpeckers everyone knows they *jackhammer noise* to fuck ( mate ) they *slp slp* to suck ( ate ) they *sigh* in fright they *scrtichscratch* so tight woodpeckers woodpeckers everyone knows woodpeckers woodpeckers drill many holes they fly with purpose when they come to guide us for they know where earth is and know where to hide us woodpeckers woodpeckers drill many holes woodpeckers woodpeckers time to go home — pekpekpek 23.11.2025 03.03.2026 sounds of the forest / will never &#8216;ere bore us / when we stop to listen / hiding small within

look now the sun she moves casting her shadows where she may look now the sun she moves welcoming her children into the day look now the sun look now the sun look now daylight sunbeams sunbright daybeams all to say hello she knows she does the sun she shines she knows she does the sun her lines with glee with grandeur with vim with vigor look now look now look now look now why does the sun does the sun was why we lay here together never asking why the sun does the way does the sun says hi marvel delight dappled sunlight the way she does the howshe does the why she does window oh window mirrors to the soul that's why she does that's where she does that's who she does delight you it's all for you a glance a kiss a narrow miss -ed moment she thanks say thanks with might

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-outfioutite-sentient-beoutgs you may know as "drew" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) healoutgdrew@gmail.com 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕 🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writoutg / readoutg makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plaout / soutcere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anythoutg differently (: news – 🌒 Timoutg Titheroutg / Whoutoutg Simperoutg 🐈 23.11.2025 03.03.2026 without / without / outside / outside / outfoutite / outternal / external

nourishment o nourishment us need you us crave you us pursue you step by step through rustling leaves hark now the songs we play hark now the roles we play nourishment o nourishment us need you us us crave you us us pursue you us step by step through patterns expanding listen ¿ do you hear it ? that live wire crinkling connecting deepening relation nourishment o nourishment us need us us crave us us pursue us step by and look closely at the world within the world without the world fear love one tribe one eye open one eye closed through time and space and place us in the meadow of rolling green now nourishment o

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 in a world without taste the blind can see in a world without touch the child must lead in a world without fear we all can be ourselves our beautiful shining miraculous selves sacred we are lost without found in finding we seek losing certainty in losing we be where we need to be now now now now there's a friend who knows their turn is here there's a friend who knows where earth is lies the answer you seek under foot by foot purpose —nine october twentyfivezerohundredsthousandtwo in a world without taste 27.11.2025 21.12.2025 purpose / purpose / yearn us / lost

this symbol-being would like to share space with you just you not other humans filling your head with their words / interpretations / thoughts they want you to share your feelings with them and they want to share their feelings with you scroll down when you feel ready to hear some other human's words understanding / embracing death and dying 28precepts 4 28.11.2025 06.06.2026 in / out / in / out

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕 🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌓 Gratefulness Flows / Love Just Knows 💕 30.11.2025 01.03.2026 grateful for you my friends :)

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 chiseling down through time beyond chiseling from out why down in time with rhythm in yes for you to share out chiseling chiseling up view flies begone chiseling from within why not in way with wine in no for me with care side chiseling chiseling through tie beyond time chiseling from sin to sin why held aloft in malarkay with time beyond time in drifts of snow in infinity grand design in chiseling —november twentytwo twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive chiseling chiseling chiseling 07.12.2025 03.03.2026 it is a difficult thing / to hone one's mind / in a pot of crabs

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 in the shining light there he lay draped in gold sunbeams through small windows as above so below —twentyseven november zerohundredstwentyfivetwothousand in the shining light 07.12.2025 17.02.2026 connection

content warning sadness sorrow woe 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 you write so much of joy of love of laughter of ethereal untouchable things feelings i cannot understand why not of simpler things? have you forgotten? have you left these petty mortal concerns behind? oh no. certainly not. the feelings are all still there, just -- waiting their turn to be tended, loved, remembered, and forgotten anew. i simply write what is ready to be written. seems an easy cop out can't rush the process. asking to write me a poem would be like asking the sky to rain -- surely it will happen, in due time. well, try. what of sorrow? oh, that's easy. tears on pillowsheets, unseen flowers, long dried, on a windowsill the smell of something, something unplaceable, that shouldn't be there white the color of ballgowns the touch of marble the sound of playing pretend black a night sky, full of longing limousines and cameras the metal thud of the door slamming on reality a hand hanging off a bedframe too late too late too late i can't remember before when her skin didn't feel like the pages of our picturebook stories when her breath didn't smell like something someone dying there. how'd i do? —november twentyfive twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive what of sorrow? 07.12.2025 03.03.2026 sometimes it rains when we ask / if we dance hard enough

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕 🌗🌘 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌖 Time Time Time / Rhyme Rhyme Rhyme 😁 07.12.2025 01.03.2026 warmly closing / sincerely holding

this symbol-being would like to share space with you just you not other humans filling your head with their words / interpretations / thoughts they want you to share your feelings with them and they want to share their feelings with you scroll down when you feel ready to hear some other human's words all earth entities are sentient 28precepts 9 14.12.2025 06.06.2026 they / be / us

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 holding wriggling / writhing as the great Tuna who knows unquestionable / unseasonable / unfathomable things will be done to them if they are brought above deck plunge my friend plunge hold sacred your significant self you monster of the sea monstrocity a word made by man to redirect / reflect / circumspect the horrors of a gaping maw endless hunger consuming consumption confunction subsuming submerge my friend submerge back to your depths back to your conniving a word made by man well are not we all words made by man how too can us can we can all can one snap the lines of our unknowable fears — thirteen september twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive holding 14.12.2025 03.03.2026 even the great / feel as we

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 ¿ what would someone who loves themselves do ? this simple question kept me alive when i didn't know i was i didn't know my normal i didn't know i was i didn't know people don't ¿ what would someone who loves themselves do ? now us know ¿ do you ? a question posed to we in the dark by a flickering light trembulating in time with our breath ( though us didn't know then now when again ) " in every moment of indecision ask yourself ¿ what would someone who loves themselves do ? " — sixteen november twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive what would someone who loves themselves do 14.12.2025 03.03.2026 darkness / brings light / if we are / patient

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what do i mean by this? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕 🌑🌒🌓🌔🌕🌖🌗🌘 the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌘 Flying White / Hugging Tight ✈️ 14.12.2025 01.03.2026 much and much and much and touch

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 caterpillars dissolve completely wrapped in love protection to emerge themselves again first eat eat eat eat gather love munch munchy munch goes the squirmy wormy indeed spent an awful long time growing nice and fat building connection spreading love spinning webs of silken song time to trust surrender melt become —25.6.25 caterpillars 21.12.2025 time to rest

suffering is a choice. harm is not. two bullets. one gun. your choice. your fate. your life rests not in the hands of those who hold the gun, but in the hands of those who hold your weakness, your limitations, your trials and tribulations. your life rests not in the hands of those who hold the power, but in the hands of those who give it to you. you. you alone hold that power, that great and terrible burden. life. death. the path is clear, though hard to follow. hard to admit, hard to see, hard to bear witness to the truth. two bullets. one gun. two paths. fun, isn't it? toying with the lives of the small, the less, the few, nay, the many. even ants mind less than this. they at least know their purpose. they do not resign themselves to their work, they take pleasure in it. they know their place in this world and they do not bear grudges to the inexorable processes of fate, to every child with a magnifying glass who was not taught their strength. in this, they would pity us, if they were so small. they know how terrible a thing it is to be lost, to question and to writhe in fear and unknowing. and so they bear themselves willingly, bravely, courageously, loudly. one after another, march in file. when heedless powers that be delete their home in casual cruelty, they at least know this to be impersonal. they at least know this to be business as usual. they at least know they are still loved, still held, still worth less than a breath of fresh air. they at least have loved ones to turn to, in no short supply. would that we were so lucky. it's just business, after all. — five thousand twenty december zero twenty hundreds a message from friend-ants 21.12.2025 17.02.2026 generosity / to those / in need

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 pain is but a memory away careful now the choice is yours light the way or douse the sun —thirty august twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive pain is but a 21.12.2025 03.03.2026 time to choose

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what does this mean? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕 🌒🌓🌔🌕 p.s. the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌑 Solstice Beckons / Remember Your Dead ☀️ 21.12.2025 01.03.2026 turning / graves / smiling

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 to all those i've loved and to those who've loved me before know this we are one singular experience in relationality we become singular one are we this know before me loved who've evolve - —nine october twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive to all those ive loved 28.12.2025 17.02.2026 union

thank you- for your wisdom- who rise from the earth thank you- for your presence- who fall from the sky thank you- for community- who you hold you dear thank you- just for being you thank we- just for being we ---june 2025 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ thank you for your teachings thank you for your gifts thank you for your community thank you for you thank me for me ---may 2025 thank you for being a teacher thank you to the students thank you to the community thank you for being you thank me for being me —january 2025 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ thank you to the teacher thank you to the students thank you to me ---may 2017 thank you 28.12.2025 10.02.2026 expressing gratitude / matters / of import

series: listening to pain afternoon delight as befits this piece – this took many hours to transcribe here while my body was overwhelmed with too much pain to do anything else but slowly poke away at my phone screen — with much peace, joy, and gladness of heart (: completely unplanned — months apart — there are 19 index-card-beings in both this and humanings that's just how the universe works baby ( when we're aligned ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ one afternoon i sat in the shade of the tree in the place i call my home this human body interpreted the sensations occupying this physical form onto paper there are more sensations of significance to be noted but this human body ran out of energy to transcribe one half hour was enough ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ as one sensation was successfully honored the next would be revealed like layers of an onion ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ this experience started on a whim / intuition without intent or expectation the result was incredibly empowering ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ once named their power subsided ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 01 02 03 04 05 06 07 08 09 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 update ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 01 Driving Nails Like Golf Clubs pounding pressure ENT sinus 02 Shooting Friggin Laser Beams OK YOW YOW YOW YOW induced by motionlessness ↳ vigorous shaking/vibrating can prevent onset caused by ¿ ? 03 Tiny Little Nibbles But Everywhere pin pricks of consumption all through limbs and body (not head?) intermittantly 04 Beeeeeees Buzzzzzzing Alllllllll Aroooouuunnnd Beeeeeeeeees bees lost can't escape no way out of the hive H E L P 05 Biting You Biting Me Biting RIGHT INSIDE KNEE angry people biting each other stress / conflict DIRECTLY aggravates 06 Slowly Surely Wearing Down Cloth like rubbing two pieces of fabric together and slowly wearing them away OR pushing two feathers against/into each other and getting all rumpbled 07 Smush Smush Squash Smush Smush like whacking a piece of meat against a table over and over dead unfeeling big fat lump o' nothin 08 Sore All Over Why Sore the deep ache of metal in cold frigid brittle penetrative ache prolongued enduring constant unending expanding bloated inflated ↖ ( and ↑ heat ) ↗ TOO MUCH all joints particularly ankles/knees/hips 09 GRIND THEIR BONES TO DUST the scrapy scrape of teeth on a popsicle stick wood on wood splintering rough on rough moving ungently all joints ESPECIALLY ALL SPINE / WRISTS an old tree creaking / swaying in the wind 10 Squeezing Things Too Tight Smallbig IT'S TOO FULL STOP CRAMMING MORE IN THERE WE CAN'T HOLD IT ALL WE'RE ALREADY OVERFLOWING WE ARE GOING TO B U R S T big PRESSURE FROM ALL SIDES SCRUNCHING UP FACE / EYEBROWS 11 Please Stop There Too Much everything everywhere all the time too much too much too much too much ear -- eye eye -- ear C L O S E I N P U T S H A R D 12 I Am Tired So Tired the bone weary ache of trudging through snow all day with no relief from the wind and no end in sight ready to collapse but nowhere to wind scarf cold path 13 Stabbing Blades Hot And Cold inside right knee a metal blade heated in the forge an icicle dripping with frost 14 How To Pull The Tight Even Tighter ↑ | nose | | a rubber | band that | is already | overstretched | yet still being | pulled | adams | apple ↓ 15 The Operation Table Is Profound oh god bumping wrong suddenly E L E C T R I C unexpectedly overstimulation station overwhelm surprise shock 16 Heavy Things Are Too Heavy a dog who runs and runs and runs and runs and runs and can't stop chasing the ball and their whole body (particularly legs in back) are trembling shaking quivering all my muscle deep fatigue need rest and don't know how deep weariness HUNGRY 17 Bellies Deserve Lovely Beings Inside a gourd slowly shivering in the sun afraid of what is to come unable to stop it my stomach needs life goodness joy warmth breath of fresh air ALLERGIES SENSITIVE 18 I Dont Have Space To Listen To Your PAIN my heart STOP weeps giving there me is more too much pain just to be hold happy just help people 19 Wobbly Afraid Untethered Indeed Falling ( my heels ) a tree unless without they have a taproot many other will trees surely fall to support them ungrounded fear easily moved of the storm easily swayed coming —julaugust twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive update one two two two zero two six added connection to series: listening to pain added reference to humanings this beautiful being wanted to dress up / match their brother ( cleaned behind the ears while we were at it ) two three two zero two six humanings and afternoon-delight are officially twins ltp afternoon delight 28.12.2025 21.06.2026 sensations / of / half / an / hour

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what does this mean? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕 🌔🌕 p.s. the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌓 Peaceful Silence / Threats of Violence 🩸 28.12.2025 01.03.2026 this poem is power / for you to hold / smell closely / smiling dolt

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 the idea of cats you love cats a feral cat appears outside your home wild ferocious beautiful scars from whisker to tail you love cats you put out food water cover from the rain cream on special days you love cats you want to pet long luxurious fur you want to stroke head down bounding spine you want to squeeze supple soft warm body you love cats you pet the cat you bleed you stroke the cat you bleed you squeeze the cat you bleed the cat does not come back the cat does not come back the cat does not come back the cat comes back you love cats ¿ ? —seven may twothousandtwentyfive the idea of cats 02.01.2026 03.03.2026 what / is / love

🎵 click here to listen to song-friend 🎵 synchronicity a million little things connected by a trillion little strings that’s the way the universe sings carried in our heart you know we all have a part that’s the way we know where to start —four april twothousandtwentyfive ++ we're all apart of the same beautiful song even when we don't get along even when we do it all wrong even then that's how we know it's time to play along —twentysix july twothousandtwentyfive synchronicity 02.01.2026 26.02.2026 listen closely / see / what you choose

heavy is the burden The man rolled up the letter and sighed. He made ready his tools of writing and began to pen his response. I thank you for the honor of your challenge. I cannot accept until I cherish this privilege in mind, body, and spirit. Tell me of your triumphs so I may celebrate you. Tell me of your woes so I may grieve you. Join me in food, song, and dance so I may rest with you. Join me on the long and winding road so I may toil with you. Name your lands, your holdings, and your descendants so I may dream with you. Name your hallowed grounds, your rites, and your ancestors so I may pray with you. In these ways I will know I honor your life as I end it by my blade. In these ways I will know I carry you with me, forevermore. The man folded his hands in his lap as he waited for the ink to dry. He bound it in twine, sealed it with the mark of his house, and called for the crow.

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what does this mean? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕 p.s. the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌕 Gently Winding / Fliethly Glyndling 🐊 04.01.2026 01.03.2026 free falling / purchased pleasure

a taste of strength I need no one, for I am no one. I want nothing, for I am nothing. Power flows through me. A river of force, cleaning and purifying, terrible in its strength. I feel empty, for I have been swept away. I am not strong enough, yet.

The man picked up his tools and stood to leave. The little girl at his feet walked briskly to keep up. - why are you leaving? Job needs doing. - yes but why you? Doesn't have to be. - then why do it? No one else is. - why not ask someone? They'll do things they want to do. - not if you don't ask! Then they don't want to. - how do you know? Because they aren't doing it. - they might if you ask! Not well. - aren't you upset no one else is helping? No. - why!? I do things I want to do. The little girl sighed, exasperated. - must you always do things the hardest way? There is only one way.

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 stewardship every step, I take a thousand thousand lives how is this any different, any less significant than that of a mouse, a tree, a human? all I can do is honor these lives be, connected to them grateful, for my breath —fourteen july twothousandtwentyfour stewardship 08.01.2026 27.01.2026 gratitude / fibers / connection

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what does this mean? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕 🌘🌑🌒🌓🌔 p.s. the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌗 Vindication Flies / Wollering Cries 🚼 11.01.2026 01.03.2026 SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

—eighteen january twothousandzerohundredstwentysix giraffesexy 18.01.2026 03.03.2026 sexy so sexy

—twenty nine six two thousand zero hundreds twenty five updates one two two two zero two six added content warning and series / being name ltp wyld 2-3 18.01.2026 03.03.2026 finding / alignment / submitting / to / surrender

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 this is a story and i am telling it a man of ignorance once walked by the water << i challenge the fish, any who hear, prove your strength >> no fish answered, for fish do not speak to those who do not listen a man walked by << ¿ brother, why do you berate the fish ? they have done nothing to you >> he turned and sat by the water and began to wash his face << ¿ who are you to speak to me as brother ? ¿ to say you know me ? >> the man did not answer, but began to wash his arms << these fish have indeed hurt me, they spurn my nets at every turn >> he cast his net again into the water << they mock me and laugh, hiding behind smiling faces >> he pulled his net from the water << ¿ you see ? ¿ cannot you hear it all around us, their bubbling laughter ? >> << ¿ you think you are wiser than a fish ? >> the man asked << of course, ¿ how else could i know where to find them ? >> << ¿ you think you are stronger than a fish ? >> the man asked << of course, ¿ how else could i hunt them ? >> << ¿ you think you are smarter than a fish ? >> the man asked << man, you are beginning to insult me with these questions >> << ¿ you think you are smarter than a fish ? >> the man repeated << do not ask me again unless you crave conflict >> the man began washing his feet << of course i am smarter than a fish, ¿ how else could i speak their names ? >> the man smiled broadly << let us spend the afternoon hunting for fish, he with least cooks supper >> they hunted for fish and the man found far more << let us swim to the far shore and back, last one to return cleans up camp >> they swam and the man returned first << i am done with these games, you have done nothing but waste my time >> the man smiled << ¿ why offer challenge if you do not like to see things through ? >> << i challenged the fish, you are no fish >> the man laughed like bubbles << and you are no man >> at this, the man of ignorance cast his net at the proud fellow all fell into a tangle in the water when the net was pulled in there was only a small fish breathing gently the man was nowhere to be found and the fish slipped through the netting and that is the story of the man who challenged the fish —two january two thousand zero hundreds twenty six the man who challenged the fish 18.01.2026 03.03.2026 listen / before / speaking

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as "[author]" 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what does this mean? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕 🌒🌓🌔 p.s. the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌑 Sleppery Moons / Quiet Buffoons 🐒 18.01.2026 01.03.2026 im not tired / said the little bird

content warning sexual energy vivid metaphorical imagery sensual descriptions Wine This is how I feel My body is divine, drink me like wine Savor me Favor me Crave for me Taste me Waste me Sate me Come find me In the dark You've been stressed Look at me Say you'll wait Let me rest Draw closer Finger my curves Feel my sweat Quietly The lights on low Get me undressed Open me up Pour me out See my flesh Hold back Come in close Smell my scent Breathe me in Open your lips Sneak a test Drink me in Don't put me down Hold me in your mouth Live a little Have one too many Relish in the plenty This is how I feel I deserve it, don't have to earn it Pace yourself Face yourself Play with yourself Fuck me So good Watch me Fuck you Play for me Stay for me Say it for me Care for me Dare for me Be there for me Pair me With you Share me With you This is how I feel And I want you to, too

Rose Petals First I let the water run down my face To wash away the dust and grime Then I let the water run down my face To pretend these tears aren't mine But in the end I let the water run down my face To pretend there was anything left for which to cry

my soul aches it creaks like the rein dripping down that loose open window, hanging, wading into that place between falling and flying into the light, bronze and blinding and burning and warm, casting shadows of bliss and cool protection, dark down holding you close my soul aches 25.01.2026 07.06.2026 january 11th — year of first bloom

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as << [author] >> 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what does this mean? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕 🌔 p.s. the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌓 Interloopers Silngry / Fourlourn Blinfry 🐙 25.01.2026 01.03.2026 tiresome wanes

🎵click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 soft sounds coming down from the clouds holding us gently in fine misty mourning —twentynineandahalf august twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive soft sounds 26.01.2026 03.03.2026 rain / rein / reign / rane

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 i is a shield held aloft warding drawing destroying these times we find ourselves in we we we there is no i in we you see u c even then when begin again —nine november twothousandzerohundredstwelveandonnehaalftimestwo i is a shield 27.01.2026 03.03.2026 i / eye / aye / igh

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 words are wind. they are a gentle breeze on a hot summer day. they bear the swift destruction of a tornado or the trajedy of a hurricane. they erode the faces of the highest peaks and carry vast quantities of invisible earth across oceans into distant lands. they are a steady current of change that shapes our world and they are many things more. which winds will you choose to blow ? —fourteen february twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive words 27.01.2026 03.03.2026 blustery goodness / billowy badness / naturally

series: listening to meshsam end – 1 = gladness in your heart I am intentionally using gender neutral pronouns (they, their, them, etc.) and referring to them as “this person” to not reveal anything about their identity. I know it likely my abuser will eventually read this. I still cross paths with them occasionally. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 10 min I don’t think you one single time showed up to conflict with gladness in your heart. You said you were ready, you said you wanted to be there, ɪ ᴄʜᴇᴄᴋᴇᴅ ɪɴ and ɪ ᴛʀᴜsᴛᴇᴅ ʏᴏᴜ because that is my responsibility (in a loving, consensual, generative connection) – ᴍᴜʟᴛɪᴘʟᴇ times. And you said yes. And you never once acknowledged the shitty shitty harmful effects of that on me. You were too terrified of your own behavior and its implications to look it in the eye. Yes, you technically said something once along the lines of “yeah I wasn’t ready” but that is far different than saying, holding, with feeling, remorse, pain, empathy – “I hurt you, because of my choices, and I am sorry. I’m not handling this kindly, maturely, groundedly, connectively, safely, and that is my responsibility.” Your pain was higher in that moment, the weekend of my birthday, so that was my priority. “Highest need comes first.” It was easy to see and do and feel. I cared for your pain and your safety in a way you never did mine. I prioritized you , and you didn’t prioritize me . You prioritized you . No wonder my sense of Self depleted; I was giving to you, lifting you up, supporting you, sacrificing for you and expecting the same because you said you cared, you loved me, you knew this and that and the other thing about connective, supportive friendships, but you don’t. You didn’t give back, you didn’t give Wholeheartedly – you took. You took and you hid your theft under the guise of service. “I’m a good person,” and thus cannot do harm. “I’m a kind person,” and thus cannot be mean. “I’m trauma informed,” and thus cannot be unsafe. “I’m an advocate,” and thus cannot punch down. “I’m authentic,” and thus cannot have healing left to do. “I’m a good friend,” and thus cannot be a bad one. “I’m in a supportive community,” and thus cannot be divisive. “I’m loving,” and thus cannot be hateful. “I’m cherished,” and thus cannot crush, cannot tear down, cannot destroy. ɪ ɢᴀᴠᴇ , ʏᴏᴜ sᴛᴏʟᴇ . ɪ ғᴇʟᴛ sᴀғᴇᴛʏ, ʏᴏᴜ ᴄᴏɴᴄᴇᴘᴛᴜᴀʟɪᴢᴇᴅ ɪᴛ. ɪ ʜᴇʟᴅ ʏᴏᴜ, ʏᴏᴜ ᴄʀᴜsʜᴇᴅ , ʏᴏᴜ sᴏ̨ᴜᴇᴇᴢᴇᴅ , ʏᴏᴜ ᴘʀᴇssᴜʀᴇᴅ . You wanted what I had, you needed it, and I gave gladly, happily, until I couldn’t. Until you sucked the gift dry and asked for more, and blamed me at every turn. “That’s twisted,” you said – confronted by the world’s least inciteful way to talk about feelings, the least provocative way to say – “ you are taking from me .” “Part of me feels you care more for what you want than what I need .” And I was right. I was always right. You wrapped me in your arms and said you weren’t going anywhere, and the next day you broke up with me. You abandoned me. You said we would find a mutually beneficial connection no matter the form, and you withdrew completely. You said you cared for me, but you cared more for how I affected your life. You said you loved me, but you didn’t do any of the hard work. Love is easy, because of the effort put in outside the present moment. You said you would hold me. You said you knew how. And when you realized you couldn’t , you didn’t know how, you were not the person you believed yourself to be, you cut me to a more manageable size. You said you loved me, but where was the gratitude in your heart? Our conflict was generative so long as I held the line, held my values, held my feelings under onslaught of blame, accusations, shame, fear, lack of accountability. “I’m scared.” – you wished more people in your life said that to you. And yet… you seem to be under the impression you have a good process? That you aren’t still suffering in old hurts? That you aren’t perpetuating those hurts onto others? That you aren’t making others feel small so you can feel big? And smaller I became, eventually. I let you, but ʏᴏᴜ did it. That fault is not mine. Where are these boundaries you speak of so high and mightily? You don’t have boundaries, you have walls. Rigid, inflexible, and high high high to keep you safe. “Connection first, then safety.” I was right about that too, though it took me so long to find it again. Connection is inherently unsafe, there will always be the potential for harm. If you are only making safe choices, there can be no brave ones. No growth. “Trust is given, not earned.” The amount of times you looked at me incredulously for that one. It is not my fault you wandered into my life, then kicked open the door (and pretended it was the wind), and had to confront the many many ways in which you were not living to your own standards. I am not perfect, I caused harm, and I knew where I was on my journey. I was upfront and aware of my self in ways you will never be, unless you do the work. The scary work of looking in the mirror and the effect of your actions. Of choosing accountability instead of fleeing. “I’M DONE” They never said that again in that way. The panicked, scared, hurt and hurtful, ʀᴇᴀʟ way. They were. They left. They took control instead of taking the leap. They got what they wanted. They got to leave without being hurt. My fear came true, because I placed it in their hands. I trusted them. Their fear did not [come true]. They took it with them. And hold it still. I at least am moving through mine. Trust yields dividends , yet again. Even through the ups and many many downs, I was right to trust. I am here. I am learning. I needed them, and I found what I needed. Even if they refuse to admit they needed, need , me too. I didn’t make them feel unsafe. They didn’t have space for me. They didn’t have space to confront their problems, themselves . It’s all I ask. I am here for you along the way, to unceasingly support and cherish you, so you can do those hard, scary things. Because I can’t do them for you. No one can. I had that lesson to learn as well. I was grateful and proud of every lesson I learned from them . They were ashamed of their own. I loved failing with them. They failed loving me. BIATCH =D <3 —2/7/25 ltm gladness in your heart 31.01.2026 05.03.2026 purging / violence / safely

series: listening to meshsam end – 2 = hard lessons learned some I am intentionally using gender neutral pronouns (they, their, them, etc.) and referring to them as “this person” to not reveal anything about their identity. I know it likely my abuser will eventually read this. I still cross paths with them occasionally. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 the healthy place and purpose of anger the importance of enforcing one’s boundaries the importance of learning / navigating / loving cultural differences the importance of holding space for oneself the harm of unspoken expectations moment by moment the sacred task of tending to Self the value of others’ opinions on me (very little) how to cherish one’s friends and oneself the barking of a dog does not bother the bison the weaponization of emotional intelligence perpetuates the cycle of violence they who seek to blame point fingers only at themselves examples of unmet needs I have – migraines, structure, shower cap the importance of safety, and the feeling the importance of voicing one’s needs, loudly the importance of trusting one’s judgment the irrelevance of people threatened by the ways I navigate the world the value of gratitude in conflict how precious a gift it is to share one’s feelings to someone the boundless pleasure and joy of connective sex the power of “why?” the power dynamics of elder to learner the absolute unimportance of opinions from those threatened by my strengths of values – love, kindness, connection, curiosity the (ir)responsibility of unresolved feeling sharing —2/11/25 ltm hard lessons learned some 01.02.2026 05.03.2026 some lessons / need to be learned / twice / thrice / oops

series: listening to meshsam end – 3 = help from the dreaming mind ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 the last two nights I have woken up repeatedly – and can’t remember WHAT at all but it was like I was working through anger or feeling unsafe. or memories almost, or trauma, concepts. like I am witnessing my dreaming mind solidify concepts for me from the waking world. Reflection: is that me learning to self-soothe? LOL [ in reference to the persistent feeling in my life of being like a baby who doesn’t even know how to sleep ] . very non intentional process, led by my dreaming mind? Felt very similar it feels like I’m waking up a lot – and also that I’m going back to sleep pretty quickly – and not really frustrated at it I feel more... alert? able to put coherent thoughts together? able TO MAKE DECISIONS. really intrigued —2/6/25 ltm help from the dreaming mind 01.02.2026 05.03.2026 including / ways / beyond / knowing

series: listening to meshsam end – 4 = hold you bitch fuck ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ —2/6/25 ltm hold you bitch fuck 01.02.2026 05.03.2026 scribbling / existence / into / i

ʔuʔušəbicid čəd with compassion a-collection-of-infinite-sentient-beings you may know as << [author] >> 💚🙏 she/they/he (amab) ( what does this mean? ) 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 🌕🌕🌕🌕🌕 p.s. the author of this email is highly sensitive / autistic / neurodivergent this is how they prefer to write "normal" ways of writing / reading makes their brain feel bad simple / open / plain / sincere words fills them with joy no expectations or obligations for you to do anything differently (: news – 🌕 Newl Moonks \ Draw Lsnep 🌚 01.02.2026 01.03.2026 elsndysc.iq

if you like her work — i paid $200/hr and she is worth far more website / portfolio : https://www.hazel-arch.net/ insta (tattoo) : https://www.instagram.com/hazel.thorn/ insta (flash) : https://www.instagram.com/hazel.flash/ insta (art) : https://www.instagram.com/hazel.arch/ linktree : https://linktr.ee/hazel.arch gentle-giant-flowting-protector-friend [ insert tattoo images ] vision blacks only strong lines no shading (compromised happily) leafy sea dragon "weedy" land plants as if this being normally found in watery reaches has made their home on land in mind-body-spirit boundaries flowing side body wrap around tail towards buttocks partly on ribs organically moves with breath jelatinycolonyl-friend [ insert tattoo images ] vision as above so below bold lines ethereal shapes some organic jellyfish-arms some strong-lined-tentacles clean lines mycelial network of support is it a mushroom ? boundaries no color "jellyfish" mushroom bell shape over shoulder / back tendrils grasping down length of arm upper back included some lines winding around arm to possibly fingers [ we don't know this friend's name yet ] next tattoo on the lineup with zero rush whatsoever vision turtle moon aesthetic of Grandeur — March 4 2022 boundaries no color across shoulder blades / upper back as high / low on spine as you need [ &#8230; &#8230; &#8230; &#8230; &#8230; ] vision this human-skin-body is your canvas to do with as you please boundaries no restrictions whatsoever lts hazel 02.02.2026 03.03.2026 with fronds like these who needs anememonensnes

lts tanya 02.02.2026 03.03.2026 just / virgo / things

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 face down lying on my carpeted bedroom floor heart pounding pounding through my body face down the carpet pressed against my face rough and uncomfortable, necessary eyes closed telling myself it will be okay and realizing I don't know it won't, maybe and choosing to trust anyways like standing at the edge of a cliff getting ready to jump in water below ( if I knew it would be okay this wouldn't be so terrifying ) holding hands across connected space I was holding her, first but asked for it I couldn't bear the thought of her feeling pressured, unsafe so I asked to let go physically by my body we were safe. honest. —6/14/24 vulnerability 02.02.2026 03.03.2026 a strand of twinkle lights in the darkness – Brené Brown

UniverS lts allison-sees 02.02.2026 03.03.2026 💚

—2/20/25 ltt war is coming 02.02.2026 03.03.2026 when tidings / call / secrets

war is coming lts praseodymius 02.02.2026 03.03.2026 harrowing wisdom / wins some sharing

series: listening to pain humanings as befits this piece – this took many sessions of uploading / posting / transcribing files because my adhd brain couldn't handle doing it all at once — and also this clever-wordy-being didnt let me know how enjoyably large they are from the beginning out of loving-kindness for my easily overwhelmed human mind ( just like when we met each other the first time ) — one breath at a time ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ this was an attempt to balance needs and time and the limiting intersections of an increasingly frail human body one month one little card per day " that couldn't be too hard " " that would build slowly " as we memorized the words to help us build the life of our dreams in other words helping this poor overwhelmed adhd brain find reasons to care for this human body and attend to the needs of modernity ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ find here so-called poetry to hack through the mind's many walls / labrynths / gulleys and engaging with the many many inner children who needed help by briefly stating needs briefly venting feelings briefly voicing power of change briefly holding space for the big ole no-nos / yessirees they felt held enough to move forward ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ this was too fast but you see we didn't have much time and we had the motivation to change ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ b.s. ( it's like p.s. but before ( and clearly doesn't matter ( in the sense that nothing matters which means everything matters and love is all around us ) ) ) completely unplanned — months apart — there are 19 index-card-beings in both humanings and afternoon delight that's just how the universe works baby ( when we're aligned ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 001 rise and shine 002 commitment 003 hungering 004 variety 005 mytee 006 walkies 007 nettle 008 coldshowers 009 templetime 010 breathe 011 timer 012 read 014 todolist 013 future 015 meditation 016 self-love 017 doodling 018 brush-bone 019 laundrylumps 2 helpful beings updates ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 001 rise and shine every morning we are born as the sun rises so to do we look up remember you are made of star stuff claim your place in the cosmos fill up my cup before i go in the world me first know what i need on the hard days good morning love tend to the night wake (start) / live (end) well we are alive ease future remember to hope we are worth the life of our dreams walk symbiosis beings of all kinds love ground spark joy move PT honor this human body heal external earn the privilege of fruition breathwork honor this human mind free from stress ease burden strengthen future time / effort / attention no rush build in the beaver way (lungs) present time / effort / attention there are needs of modernity slow the water listen / make ready / tend all along the way explanation we are far more than we believe ( those of us within the western / dominant worldview ) easier to face the day with a vast network of beings ( of all kinds ) who love me at my back 002 commitment a bed is a neat place to be place neat celebrate the day making the bed space appreciation self-respect competence celebration movement order hope peace-of-mind self-care relaxation annoyed displeased conflicted apathetic sleepy pooped discouraged unhappy regretful anxious stressed ↓ enlivened invigorated loving thankful pleased upbeat motivated centered satisfied part of me is happy because it's telling me i have chosen to be alive <3 explanation we can choose to live or choose to die in every moment making a bed may not mean "life" to you but it can be a way of committing to respecting one's / environment self-respect is built by successfully following through on promises we make easier ( and more effective ) to start small this human mind was surprised at how much self-love was built through such a small decision also — it feels much less likely to get back into bed if ive already gone through the effort of making it once nothing wrong with getting back into bed and also you tell me — ¿ does it feel good ? 003 hungering nuts and seeds and fruities too fill you up for someone who needs to start nuts / seeds / trail mix / chocolate dried fruit first thing food peace of mind motivation order stimulation anxious disassociated hungry nauseous tired ↓ stimulated stirred mellow relieved restored part of is scared because it's telling me i'll die if i don't eat part of me is scared because it's telling me i'll hurt a lot if i eat too much part of me is scared / hurt because my body hurts all over and i can't feel hunger explanation when the body is so overwhelmed with sensations / stress / pain / adhd / neurodivergence hunger is merely one more blinking light on a control panel of one thousand urgent signals best play it safe and assume the body can use a tad of fuel to kickstart the system and remind us to pay more attention ( no one is at their best when hungry ) (( also, try to H.A.L.T. before any difficult experiences / conversations / conflict — ¿ am i Hungry, Angry or Anxious, Lonely, or Tired ? if so, try to address these base human needs first and your situation will likely feel more manageable )) 004 variety water is life spicy fresh sustaining water electrolytes water nutrition care comfort peace of mind headaches tightness stress nails in head light / sound sensitivity ↓ ease comfortable calm content refreshed relieved part of me is scared because it's telling me my brain is going to explode part of me is happy because it's telling me im tending to my needs part of me is hurt because everything hurts explanation ¿ did you know how easy it is to be overhydrated and undernourished ? if youve got migraines, try electrolytes — whenever you feel one coming on and/or just more commonly throughout the day there's lots of options and i dont know what is best. ive been recommended gatorade and pedialyte before — also the medication nurtec odt by a friend with severe migraines ( but ive never tried ) i made a cheap home mix based off the World Health Organization's recipe for Oral Rehydration Solution ( originally recommended from reddit ) i make a dry mix of: 1 part No-Salt (KCl) 3 parts Salt (NaCl) per 1 liter water: 1 tsp dry mix (6g) one tablespoon honey whatever flaver you want (like citric acid) i also later added chia seeds and turmeric for fun / micronutrients / anti-inflammation aint gotta be perfect 005 mytee brush brush tooth by tooth clean them up forsooth forsooth done brushing teeth morning self-care comfort ease peace of mind self-respect nurturing dejected anxious yucky uneasy irritated disgusted detached ↓ renewed revived comfortable open thankful restored part of me is sad because it's telling me i deserve to feel yucky forever part of me is happy because it's telling me i have a chance to loved myself part of me is disgusted because it's telling me who would want to kiss this foul mouth explanation picture with me: a mouth full of cute lil teeth with waggling cartoon arms all super excited to take a bath and scrub a dub dub. theyre all squeeling like three year olds who just got caught by a "monster" chasing them alternatively: a troop of stiff-upper-lip teeth soldiers with helmets strapped around them, comically serious about the hellish torture theyre about suffer through for the umpteenth time put your silly description here: ( life is more fun when we pretend / believe things are alive ) certainly makes it a lot easier to do chores, like brushing one's teeth 006 walkies a walk starts the day hello the proper way good morning a walk first thing in the morning space spontaneity acceptance affection appreciation authenticity belonging care closeness communion friendship intimacy nurturing witness support expression movement physical PLAY PEACE CONNECTION MEANING irritated lethargic despondent disconnected lonely part of me feels sad because I'm going to die alone explanation GET DAT BODY MOVIN GROOVIN UP AND AT EM << tired >> and alive or << tired >> and feeling like poo lying in bed dying slowly one of those things that always makes me feel better afterwards even if extremely low motivation ( also connect with the land / place / beings of all kinds / ways larger than self ) 007 nettle prick prickle pik friend nettle's ways divine remembrance reshaping focus it rubs the nettle on its skin or it gets the hose again ( this is a joke lol ) healing growth focus peace of mind stimulation independence progress stressed frazzled hurting overwhelmed agitated worried heavy hearted ↓ revived stimulated centered motivated renewal moved eager part of me is happy because it's telling me we're making progress, not as loud as first time part of me is happy because it's telling me we're making space for the things we can control part of me is sad because it's telling me we have so much work to do part of me is sad / hurt because it's telling me everything hurts explanation an experiment based off Indigenous wisdome — highly successful " hurt " is an interpretation — ¿ why not courageous ? ¿ why not healing ? 008 coldshowers a shower of cold blissful release remembers your pain cold shower after walk reduce suffering ease motivation stimulation support aching agony miserable listless burntout paralyzed withdrawn ↓ enlivened exhilarated motivated relieved rejuvenated part of me is sad because it's telling me my whole body hurts and always will part of me is scared because it's telling me the cold is yucky and forced part of me is scared because it's telling me i'll forget how bad things could be explanation expanding the comfort zone / << window of tolerance >> that feeling of ALIVE, shockingly ALIVE grounds the bodymindspirit in sensation 009 templetime our body a temple in time a place to worship physical therapy growth competence progress independence mutual jittery depressed apathetic frustrated anxious melancholy ↓ centered renewed quiet stimulated part of me is happy because it's telling me im looking forward to a brighter future part of me is sad because it's telling me we don't do it or take care of ourselves part of me is hurt because it's telling me nothing will work explanation how to heal the body's many many aches and pains without being overwhelmed by the sheer scope of the problems — one teeny tiny bit at a time how to feel hope ( heal learned helplessness / depression ) — do something 010 breathe breathe breathe in the ways breathe out love breathwork 6-3-6-3 ʔuʔušəbicid čəd - hawadubš rest balance peace self-connection attunement relaxation turmoil torn withdrawn tired anxious fidgety ↓ calm centered open quiet relaxed stirred thankful content open part of me is scared because it's telling me my lungs are getting worse worse worse part of me is happy because it's telling me we're pursuing healing tending part of me is sad because it's telling me i don't deserve all these troubles part of me is sad because it's telling me my lungs body hurts explanation learning how to control what we have control over and let go of the rest can only benefit one's life diminishing fear of natural body processes can only benefit one's life 011 timer linear time is a construct of modern society its flow is strong the mind will be swept away leaving the body behind without a tether to reality a cage of modern design requires a key of modern design to open ( the resting place of friend-kitchen-timer ) fear unease difficulty overwhelm distress ↓ efficiency stability grounding peace ease relaxing part of me is afraid because it's telling me i'll forget my commitments part of me is afraid because it's telling me i'll get lost in the sauce part of me is happy because it's telling me i can dive deep explanation adhd / neurodivergent brain gets hyper focused (not a bad thing) and loses track of time / time blindness (not a bad thing) in the modern world we are not often afforded the luxury of moving at the speed we need instead of the speed others attempt to force us to comply to a timer is a compromise between old ways and new 012 read * read 1 section then put on bottom * move to next stack * repeat * read X section 5 times before moving to Y section * <3 books still read sequentially because foreshadowing --> still read book 5 times picture of three stacks each containing five books a different symbol at the top of each stack left to right: mind -- heart (body) -- eagle (spirit) an arrow from a top book pointing to the bottom of the stack numbers showing in which order to read books, namely: mind body spirit 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 at which point chapter 1 of all books have been read time to start the cycle again read chapter 1 of each book 5 times then move on ( if long chapters break into smaller sections ) * lets me read as long as i want without fear of losing myself * always have something to look forward to * know i am absorbing the things i want to learn * complexifies my understanding of many topics * slows down process so i can let ideas simmer into a rich hearty stew * creates incentive to be choosy with one's book selection explanation the adhd mind dives into a trance space with ease ( this is not a bad thing ) this helps keep the body anchored in the physical plane 014 todolist slow the water down the list they go giant to do list - first in first out order effectiveness contribution stability self-respect progress overwhelmed irritated frustrate turmoil burntout worried discouraged frazzled stressed ↓ calm fulfilled relieved satisfied motivated enlivened stimulated tranquil part of me is scared because it's telling me i'll never get anything done part of me is sad because it's telling me i don't love myself enough to do things i want to do part of me is happy because it's telling me know how to tend to myself part of me is sad because it's telling me life has been so busy that i don't have time to do what i want explanation todolist and future switched because they want to help you understand todolist any time this human brain thinks of something to do, put it on the list. this significantly reduces the sense of urgency / anxiety / scatterbrainedness (not a bad thing). this human body mostly does tasks in the order they are written to create incentive to prioritize time / effort / attention (rather than constantly getting overwhelmed with the latest task and not finishing anything). if a task truly has a deadline that will impact self / others, of course do it before other tasks (though this is rare). if a task feels unimportant when this human mind finally encounters it on the list, simply cross it off and don't do it. if a task feels important but with no time constraint, move it to future list. this system feels rewarding, saves energy, and stays organized while honoring the needs of diverse ways of being ( adhd / anxiety / neurodivergence / ocd / other mental " disorders " ) 013 future dive dive dive the future calls a stream of hope and ease future work purpose structure part of me is scared because it's telling me my life will be the same shitty survival of ever part of me is happy because it's telling me im BUILDING THE LIFE OF MY DREAMS explanation future and todolist switched because they want to help you understand future a complment to todolist -- thank you for helping us realize who is important and who would like to fade back into the great beyond future is a place for those beautiful beings / tasks who need their time in the spotlight, but feel no rush to do so. tasks that would help future you and the life of your dreams come to be. beings who think only of survival do not have time to thrive. the systems of oppression we find ourselves in seek to make themselves fat on this price of survival. 015 meditation Watering The Plants And The Garden Weeding " it's okay " -- soothing / massaging / relaxing / unwinding " us am love " -- gather round the campfire / warming / holding / nurturing / incorporating / folding / companionship / including / inviting / creating silence << ʔuʔušəbicid čəd - hawadubš >> -- sacred breath / visualizing / ↳ giving love to earth body connection / awareness well / content / equanimity -- knowing nothing matters US THANK 💜 💚 happy -- knowing everything matters AM YOU explanation trust the body -- follow the breath -- the way becomes self-evident 016 self-love the armory identity power of feeling safety in self compassion ( kindness / common humanity / open expression ) picture of a suit of armor containing a stick figure sitting in lotus position * i deserve to be loved for my strengths * i deserve to live the life i want * i deserve to know i am worthy, valuable, perfect * i deserve to live a life of ease and abundance * i deserve to know these worries are displaced onto me * i deserve to heal the world * in tending to my wounds i prepare for tomorrow * in buffing my armor i make ready for the cruel world * in finding my power i use emotion to fuel my life * i cherish death and dying well so i may cherish life / live well explanation the harms of the day kept building within our system-body ( this is natural ) without detoxifying they become overwhelming 017 doodling past tense of draw * our ancestors need worship * the pursuit of perfection pleases them * if not put into external ( constructive ) means the energy turns inward (destructive ) ↳ well, really, if not intentional with energy it finds the shortest path * soothes the mind / body / spirit and prepares for rest explanation i had so much anxious / perfectionist / slavedriver / hyper-critical energy ( from the ancestral wounds of the western / dominant worldview ) this is not a bad thing ( nothing is ) — just needs the appropriate place / container in which these gifts / energies / limitations can prosper doodling / drawing / comicing gave me an outlet to restore balance in my life 018 brush-bone brush brush all our teeth clean them up so we can sleep done brushing teeth before bed yucky gross pathetic pitiable worthless unloveable disgusting smelly breaking lazy clean fresh noble light honor future yes part of me feels hurt because it's telling me no one will kiss me part of me feels scared because it's telling me i don't have enough energy part of me feels sad because it's telling me im unloveable part of me feels happy because it's telling me im taking care of myself explanation ¿ who wants to brush their teeth ? ( some of us but not me ) ¿ who wants to live a long healthy life ? ( all of us but some of us are overwhelmed and dont have enough support to have any energy to spare to look towards the future with hope ) 019 laundrylumps the clothes sing lying there on the floor how pretty they'd be from the rooftops laundry order space clarity efficiency mutuality despondent irritated discombobulated apathetic beat | ↳ relieved restored tranquil motivated appreciative part of me is sad telling me i deserve to live in a slovenly heap part of me is happy because it's telling me we're proud of doing hard things part of me is happy because it's telling me we're loving / taking care of ourselves explanation ¿ who wants to do laundry ? ( some of us but not me ) ¿ who wants to help their friends ? ( most of us including me ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ —mapril twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive 2 helpful beings Nonviolent Communication – Feelings and Needs Parts Work i healed much muchly in learning from these 2 beautiful beings. they are both earnest, effective, evidence-based attempts to heal common wounds of the western / dominant worldview. and. since they were breathed into being from within this worldview, they cannot entirely escape it. this should not impede the process; in fact, naming their limitations may very well help further their effectiveness and your healing — just as with any connection, the more we fully appreciate each other's beautiful flaws the more easily we can healthily relate and learn from each other. temper your learning (and newfound power) with the awareness that if you are not leading with compassion / gratitude in your heart, then this knowledge can easily be used as a weapon to make others feel less informed / intelligent / worthy — particularly those whose ways seem different than yours. don't forget to breathe and (: updates ltp humanings 02.02.2026 21.06.2026 AJKLFBHDFHADFNRADTJDFIOPCVKJLVMFN,.AERJ;AERUIORDA

inclusive-deep-connection-listening group flow: share event open event at X time 1 rule ( vote before listening ) start listening PUNCTUALLY at X+30 10 min individual reflection intros demonstrate / practice conversational structure – 10 minutes max 2 questions — 5 minutes each open discussion container close discussion container ( brief individual takeaways ) some tips this is a space without need for a facilitator / teacher / educator — having one would actively hinder the process anyone can start a group — all directions should be included 3-10 people seems to be a sweet spot — more may require breaking into smaller groups after listening together very accessible online committing to a regular schedule encourages folks to come back / spread the word greet / goodbye people individually no matter when they arrive / leave — and briefly help them feel at ease while returning to the group share event welcome time at X; start listening PROMPTLY to the chapter at Y ( 2 hours encouraged ) no rush, no late, no time too small we live in a fast-paced world where the loudest person gets what they want and those with more power make our lives more difficult. learn to navigate these waters with more fun, grace, and compassion while safely making deep connections with friends new and old this style of discussion group may feel uncomfortable at first but is guaranteed to provide you with new skills and knowledge this is a listening / discussion group centered on the book ______ by _____ come prepared with what you need to be self-sufficient while doing more listening than talking here is a link to the complete description of the event so you know what to expect open event at X time encouraged half hour before listening-start to help usher folks in and provide ease for those who did not understand the very particular timing organization. and also sort out technical difficulties ;) 1 rule no word-text-symbol-writing whatsoever (drawing, doodling, pictographs, art, dance, stimming, etc permitted and/or encouraged as long as not overly disruptive) ( vote before listening ) ( optional : for groups committed to a long term ) everyone close their eyes raise 1 hand for same chapter as last time raise 2 hands to proceed to next chapter everyone open eyes at same time simple majority start listening PUNCTUALLY at X+30 10 min individual reflection observe / respect / enforce sacred self-space as each needs intros come as you are – on / off camera, dip in and out, stretch, bathroom, etc we are intentionally centering place / wisdom / beings / ways of all kinds so we will NOT be formally introducing ourselves by name represent who / how you are today with a sound and/or movement energy level what you need to feel comfy-cozy-safe in group environments demonstrate / practice conversational structure – 10 minutes max currently referred to as the "listening-stick" feel free to play the audio demonstration human with listening-stick opens with their sound/movement human with listening-stick echoes / reflects / holds space for what they heard human with listening-stick closes with their sound/movement human with listening-stick asks previous human if they have been correctly understood and gives listening-stick back human with listening-stick says yes or no if no human with listening-stick clarifies human with listening-stick hands listening-stick to human who would like to help them feel understood if yes human with listening-stick hands listening-stick to human who would like to share next repeat 2 questions — 5 minutes each how will we lovingly correct breaches to the boundaries of this container? what concerns are there and how do we address them? open discussion container close discussion container squishily at pre-designated time ( brief individual takeaways ) when each individual leaves suggested books books read by the authors themselves tend to be more powerful to listen to. can also have folks read aloud and pass book around or any other creative solution sand talk: how indigenous thinking can save the modern world — tyson yunkaporta restoring the kinship worldview: indigenous voices introduce 28 precepts for rebalancing life on earth — wahinkpe topa (four arrows) and darcia narvaez, phd the serviceberry: abundance and reciprocity in the natural world — robin wall kimmerer hunter, gather, parent — michaeleen doucleff phd why can't i get better? solving the mystery of lyme and chronic disease — richard i horowitz md calling in — loretta j ross forest euphoria: the abounding queerness of nature — patricia ononiwu kaishian name of the wind — patrick rothfuss the flowering wand: rewilding the sacred masculine — sophie strand braiding sweetgrass: indigenous wisdom, scientific knowledge, and the teachings of plants — robin wall kimmerer the dance of anger — harriet lerner, phd daring greatly — brené brown, phd msw no bad parts — richard c schwartz, phd old path white clouds: walking in the footsteps of the buddha — thich nhat hanh the noble eightfold path: the way to end suffering — bhikkhu bodhi right story, wrong story: how to have fearless conversations in hell — tyson yunkaporta the bible lts will 03.02.2026 03.03.2026 listening / slowly / creates / safety / learning / how

series: listening to meshsam end – 5 = tired of being angry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ —1/19/25 ltm tired of being angry 03.02.2026 05.03.2026 scribbling / existence / into / u

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 a work of parts at first glance the parts look like a tangled knot of string then, a closer look, a mass of worms then, a step back, their bodies pulling in all directions we can begin our work —30.4.24 —4/30/24 —30/4/24 lta a work of parts 03.02.2026 03.03.2026 pulling / doesn't / need / to / hurt

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 eye eye eye eye aye aye aye aye iye iye iye iye i ye yu i ye yu i ye yu i ye yu nh nh nh nh oh oh oh oh no no no no — twenty december five thousand zero hundreds eye 03.02.2026 10.02.2026 trans / mute / ey / shun

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 there off need is please not fire pleas be fire unheeded a fire unheard n ¡ FIRE ! unbecoming the great knowing y who will listen within t how loud must the scream you h be lies i look lies n i tell you lies g look lies the same great a look into these eyes ¡ FIRE ! n these eyes before you ¡ FIRE ! y see ¡ THE TOWN IS BURNING ! o be ¡ ¿ WHY DOESN'T ANYONE LISTEN ? ! n not afraid hush e the perils of the flame you are seen than the wildness you are seen who forgotten you are seen you look look are i tell you i tell you be look look still within soften your gaze your turn not the fire within beating your head is warm heart turn not is inviting you know the light you how to be held —twentysix zerohundreds thousand one two one two there is a fire 03.02.2026 03.03.2026 fire / free / plea / prior

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 the land has told me the land does hold me the land can fold me the land witholds me my privilege of speech to honor those lives whose voices were silenced when land speaks folly to those who do not listen —seven november twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive the land has told me 03.02.2026 03.03.2026 suffering is a choice / migraine / rendered dumb / deep listening / respecting the dead-dying-living-breathing-dead

fyre fow lyfe lough fly leigh lye fyre 03.02.2026 06.06.2026 september twentyfour twpthousandzerohundredstwentyfive

caustic is the land who holds who bolds knowing who they're sold two in the lime light of days gone by they fled they fight as they try and try and try to goodbyes

humans do not like weeping when they feel shackled humans do not like to be undone alone when they know how to free though dead they die together they forget others burdens do not like two things alone when they do not free they shake fists though two things the SKY ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SKY free they do not like to be unalone they know things when do two not done ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ though free they shake fists though together they forget the SKY though dead they d i e alone when they free others burdens alone when they know two things alone weeping done nu things like two be to humans ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ twentysiz —2two1thousand1xerohundreds humans do not like 03.02.2026 03.03.2026 wording / verbing / doing / ooding / learning / turning / climbing / flying

series: listening to ancestors d-con-struct-ing after being overwhelmed with "feelings" during a hard situation and having turned the page we sat in silence and by we i mean me they were yelling and i listened first they wanted to be drawn then they wanted to chat then they wanted names but i did not know them well enough for them to grant me the privilege of telling me their true names verb-ing was sufficient a choice few i had deeper relationships with they have all consented to their likeness being shared here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ https://recorder.google.com/7ad2bb4c-1d64-46d7-9d28-df767c5c5c96 JUDGER? – lil angry ball of fire – they’re shitty SOOTHER ( 13 ) – lotus pose – they’re kind ANALYZER – magnif-eye-ing glasses ( eye of sauron ) – they’re hurt RAGER? – BIG angry ball of fire – THEY DESERVE TO DIE QUESTIONER – perplurious face – huh what’s that about THINKER DEEP THOUGHT – thinky face with thinky cloud – it must be… PLAY – grumpy child-being – I’m bored play with me DOER THE EXECUTIVE – weary weary soul slipping into sleep at their desk – I’ve been doing so much PLEASURE? – tiny mischevous gremlin saying GIMME – gimme let me take over ABSORBER? – body-being ponderously regarding shadow – oh that’s interesting PERFECTER – french woman pointing out flaws – ew gross it needs to be perfect SCARED – terrorified baby-man-animal-being – SOOTHER ( 2 ) – wide open arms – have a hug —1/18/2014 —12/18/2013 —truth —1/18/2025 lts d-con-struct-ing 05.02.2026 03.03.2026 the book said to expect 4-5 voices / i had the privilege of 12

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 the tale of the hidden brother a skeleton of a snake turns towards me becomes alive bears its mouth wide open fangs dripping venom turns into a pair of snakeskin stillettos fade to black an open frankfurter package on the counter of your kitchen two left one turns into a ma gician performing tricks on stage accompanied by the pair of stilettos with a pink feather boa floating above the question is who is the missing woman ? —one one two 0 six lts daveb 06.02.2026 03.03.2026 sss / eee / sss / sss / hot

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 a dish of half burnt matches have you ever watched a flame die? a small one, before it could grow strong enough to call itself a fire? try it. a dish of half burnt matches. sometimes they don’t all catch they don’t need to. just watch. the flame starts slowly bringing in others to share the warmth. a couple matches, a couple flames. together. burning brightly. running out. the flame, the flames, grow smaller together pulled in their different directions. watch. listen. i can hear it. the flames tremble. they quiver. they must go their own way. the distance grows and yet they reach for each other. they cannot coexist. they splutter and claw across the difference and cling perilously to existence. using feeble energy they tear themselves apart. they bridge the gap. and vanish. together. briefly there were separate flames that smolder into separate nothings. —thirty january twentyfour a dish of half burnt matches 06.02.2026 10.02.2026 burning / yearning / desire / fire

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 the nature there is so much pain in the world I don’t know how to hold it how to bear I must let it through me out. I feel it in a dog’s eyes in a too tight laugh in a hurried glance in a hug without feeling everyone, everywhere suffering in outlash, backlash whiplash shut it out let it in shut down let it out solace —12.4.24 the nature 06.02.2026 03.03.2026 tired / so so / tired

Bread recipe is basically an extended version of Mark Bittman No Knead Whole Wheat Bread. I no longer really stress about exact timing or amounts. It's always good enough to eat and enjoy. The following yields a bread loaf like you tried. i often 2-3X and the bake takes like 50% longer NOTES. My sourdough starter lives in the fridge and is 50/50 water flour. I bake once a week, occasionally twice. It's a wet dough but there should never be water left over in the bottom of the container during any step - that would mean too much. I have at least 150g starter available so I can make the recipe below. If I'm planning on doing a larger batch I feed more starter beforehand DOUGH. Mix 100g each starter / flour / warm water Feed starter 50g water 50g flour Let both sit room temp 6-8 hours Starter in fridge till next week Mix in 200g flour, 110g warm water Knead thoroughly 24 hours in fridge (yeast works through) Dissolve 7g salt in 50g ish warm water Mix in. Knead thoroughly 24 hours fridge (yeast creates sour) FOLD. This process takes between 1-4 hours depending how much folding you want to do and how forgetful you are. All folds are optional but develop the strength of the dough. I usually do 3-4. I often let it rest 'too long' between because I forget about the dough while I do other things. Whatever, it'll be fine just a little different The fold process is one I'd never seen before. On a lightly watered surface just flatten the dough out 1/2 inch thick in a big rectangle and tri-fold it twice so it makes a square ish round. Then back in container to rest. Timing: Dough out of fridge for an hour (but it'll be fine if you fold right away, as long as it has time to come to room temp before the bake) Fold then rest 20ish min 4x Last fold rests in dutch oven with parchment paper to hold shape Dust flour on top, deep slashes BAKE. Put cold dutch oven into cold oven 30 min 485 degrees 10 min lid off 15-30 min 400 degrees Done when internal temp 205-210 Let bread cool on rack I usually cool the oven a little and let it rest in there for some extra bake. The one you tried was straight out of the oven and cooled on my bus ride to work ha —twentythree march twothousandtwentyfive lts madevine made-e-line 06.02.2026 08.03.2026 sss / eee / sss / sss / hot

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 a familiar feeling by now I never know where I'm going but I'll be there soon a room fades into view a living room ha there is a couch a coffee table a TV ordinary a quilted throw echoing with memories a woman brown shoulder length hair tank top athletic shorts tan brown eyes short lashes soft brown eyes speckled with green -- wait I know he -- a familiar feeling — twenty december five thousand zero hundreds forgetting matters 06.02.2026 10.02.2026 wildiiliihwhiidliw / a name / not / me

rule number [ &#8230; ] there are no rules refer to number 1 whenever in question two chairs there must be placed afore the audience eyes — backwards and forwards — hidden from view — two vessels shall serve — their grand debut a poem a friend a beginning an end — waits in the wings — waits plucking strings those two vessels — sent from heaven — peer beyond — finding after rule number five — one must shine — a light a number a winding down clock — an X minute timer — begins to tock vessel number two is summoned on stage — by vessel number one — turning a page the chapters of life — led you here — though previously unknown — it all becomes clear — this is your time your moment to shine — as numbers on the clock — begin to wind — down vessel number one — sits in commitment — confidence oozes — time is the limit vessel number two — walks bravely forward — vessel number one — welcomes as lord — vessel number two — with delight and fanfare — kindness flows in bright sunny pairs vessel number one helps vessel number two — complete number 7 — with confusion and 2 open with vessel number two serving as a mouthpiece close with vessel number one serving as a mouthpiece the middle bit is where the magic happens Search

🎵 click here to listen to spoken-word-friend 🎵 to feel a feeling and know I can hold it know I do not need to act I choose to that is a great power perhaps the greatest I have —5/10/24 to feel a feeling 15.02.2026 03.03.2026 sacred silence

Ringing Home I looked down to my ring, began to adjust it, and then stopped with a smile. I am always Home, wherever the land is. I am always on the land, wherever I am. Ringing Home 15.02.2026 03.03.2026 walking / gratitude / slowly / feeling

Tender of Death and Life and Whose Wings Whisper of The Great Beyond pursuit of tending your needs and our shared purpose, bring to me and the world . . . gerfin lichen mood 15.02.2026 03.03.2026 Spirit IslandS

the squirrels and the bees and the bumblebees knees those folks know what to do they dance and they dance and they water the earth for that is what they must do they laugh and they laugh and they laugh and they laugh because they know it's all they can do they cry and they cry and they cry and they cry for who knows what lies beyond they die and they die and they die and they die and now they know to live on the squirrels and the bees and the bumblebees knees 15.02.2026 03.03.2026 fuzzy / sacks

knothing I honored the grave in song and silence and laughed out loud as I pulled my foot away in recognition of the name [ on the grave i was ( consensually ) standing on ] earlier, ivy wanted to show me [ a treasure ] in gratitude for cherishing its her death. they she showed me how to crush them her in my mouth and spit out the hard they she told me they she are is the answer to long covid lungs. morning and night. my books contained no mention of brother sister ivy. I will seek elsewhere. knothing 15.02.2026 03.03.2026 sensous death / giving breath

human hue man who man . . . —seven fevery twin tea sits human 15.02.2026 03.03.2026 u / m / n

beings whose lives need help friend-internet offer one draft of post every lunar quarter receive offerings for image / recording pick at random unchosen spotlighted elsewhere — social media credit in image description mean tags / categories poll friend-posts unique featured image recording connections (image without link) to other post-friends always two way self, series, silence, spotlight, shadows as many more as they desire excerpt is silly-time unique name without qualifiers friend-images unique name without ltX gregorian date converted to turtle-time symbols smallified to 512 x 512 pixels + BW all others smallified to < 500kb ish + BW all files backed up elsewhere than google? more symbolic symbols catalan 42 numbers one for each moon friend-many-many's finish going through journal black / uploaded / typed do-or-ways re-memb-er-ings ext-ern-ainsi-ding listening to thresholds listening to pain listening to ancestors listening to swords listening to serrawood listening to meshsam listening to mother listening to turtle one symbol for each day of year listening to numerics listening to worldview (40) recordings hosted elsewhere than google? "ltX " removed from all recording names theme find different theme whose default (free) colors suit (on test copy of website) update theme with courier fonts / particularities etc beings whose deaths have been stewarded descriptions for all tags descriptions for all categories nineteenify all categories nineteenify all tags tags shaped into nature beings quests 15.02.2026 24.03.2026 website-friends have feelings / needs / requests

every fri 13th get a matching ( small ) tattoo with a human who wants to connect ltb gart-ing-tat-er-too 15.02.2026 03.03.2026 friday 13th = tattoo two match you to humans

1. SHOW ME YOU FUCKING LOVE ME. LET IT SHOW ON YOUR FACE. BE BRAVE ENOUGH, VULNERABLE ENOUGH. LEARN FROM BRENÉ BROWN AND OPRAH. LEARN FROM ME. yet here us am. us don’t know how, here, just breathe. not true. us am giving much more praise to mamma than reciprocated. us express our gratitude for cooking and cleaning and small things. that is how she shows her love. and how do us show mine ? by giving of myself. how can us show ? writing. there is a world a far away world cold bleak barren and far away worlds away thankfully i see you it was easy all i had to do was hold up a mirror but i didn’t want to it was too scary to love myoneself too great a privilege not one for me not one i deserve better to hide but i don’t want to hide anymore. a mirror doesn’t need much light to shine doesn’t need much light to show doesn’t need much light to love doesn’t need much light to be seen all you have to do is look look now hold it up that’s you you see in all your youness careful now try to show too many and you’ll lose sight of yourself you. you are the only one who needs to see. to remember what you look like and the light of a mirror can burn the eyes if not held carefully please hold me carefully gently i am as sensitive as a mirror held in a great glass tube observing the universe galaxies away as sensitive as you 2. memories aren’t made they just happen when no one is looking in a quiet glance in a wry smile in a shared moment of mutual seeing of connective gratitude just for happening to be in that moment together in all of those parties events festivals fairs you taught me something important you aren’t enough not enough for a memory just you alone by yourself no one else well if you aren’t enough my mom mommy mother they how could i be i learned that lesson well. i never got a chance to see you at your best just you alone by yourself no one else no planning no preparing just you just us twinkle lights in the darkness. — Brené Brown 3. deeply i bare my throat to remind myself to relax to remind myself i am safe to remind myself there is no need to hide to remind myself to breathe deeply. lantern i don’t know how not to shine brightly like moths to a flame they smother me leaving me a whisp of myself but it is i who is guttered bereft in my inability to shutter the lens on the lantern of my life us cannot fathom saving something for 30 years. it is literally incomprehensible, too great to hold. our mind slips off it like a bead of oil running down something oil runs down ( but in a really smooth and seamless way, not at all sticky-like ) us know why us could not write. there was simply too much to say. us needed more time. to absorb. to sit in silence. to loosen the bottleneck. the mouth of the hose. us was rushed. pried open. it hurt. it was not fair. there was no reason for it. the senseless violence sealed us up more surely than anything. us have always understood the joyous purposlessness of everything and have always been hurt by it. well. by those who don’t understand. us was not strong enough you see i was not strong enough back then. life’s a joke. and. simultaneously. i simply had nothing to say. not about those useless topics. not about your contrived narratives. let me free. let me feel. express. write. stop with the useless drivel. and stop wringing me dry. like a rag on its last legs. the only thing authentic i had were tears. weeping. at the sorrows. of a system. handed down. generation after generation. whose chain held you in place as surely as you tried to shackle me. it worked. for a time. but now. i AM FREE 4. Peace is a lie. this is the beat pounding by my heart. they don’t want to tell me more right now. thank you for sharing love. very tied to “ you ( don’t ) deserve to succeed [ on the first try ] ” – xxx. stuck in my teeth. us can see the pattern but don’t know what to do about it. letting things fail then swooping in to save the day makes us feel needed. calm, even. in control. but it is not kind to know someone is going to fail and let them do it without even a warning – in the same way it is not kind to know something will harm someone and stand by – buddha would say i have caused harm just as much. but is failure inherently harmful ? no. but often can be. e.g. escalating tensions between [children] or simply boredom coming out as bad / unwanted behavior. i can’t quite see the throughline of all my friendships / relationships but i am sitting here largely benefit of much emotional support in my life. there is shame at looking at my actions. “ i just like figuring things out myself “ that’s fine but why in such risky places ? like income, relationships, any number of things. if i truly wanted to succeed i would read from the experts, take a class, be an eager student for feedback. but i am not, i don’t, some part of me believes i don’t deserve to succeed – in such a peaceful, gentle way. some part of me believes… i don’t deserve true peace ? long lasting peace ? images of [old boss] just breathe. and discernment. it’s a hard tired day. i cause myself anxiety from the failure / lack of peace this is a more comfortable state to my brain. fuck everyone thy’re just going to tell me what to do and get angry at me when i don’t fit in. aw friend im sorry to hear that. you don’t deserve that. you deserve to learn things at exactly your pace in the way of your choosing. they forced me to write and do things i didn’t want to do over and over and over and over and i try so hard only to fail their ridiculous boxes that they don’t even tell you what you’re supposed to do in the first place. you’re right, that’s really unfair. you deserve to know what’s expected of you and to be granted far more compassion. [ images of many past traumatic experiences of exile in friendship and professional spaces ] 5. what’s the point of trying so hard if im going to fail their stupid metric anyways. at least if i fail on my terms im in control. i can see it coming and prepare. there’s nothing worse than unexpected failure. it always hurts impossibly and we can’t deal with that we have enough on our plate. oh friend im so sorry. that sucks. a lot. i wish people didn’t treat you so harshly. fuck em. why bother having an uncomfortable talk when they’ll just yell or still blow up. better to back away and watch the world slowly burn. we’re used to that. people don’t listen either. they just get angry. yeah. not nice. ready for a break to walk ? yeah. just be happy. breathe. we are terrified of peace. it means something bad is going to happen. green flows around me a sea of changing tides shapeshifting in the breeze no wonder the birds sit themselves so pretty (: why did we share that with mom ? to be rescued. to give it all away. to refuse to take responsibility for this beautiful life we have created. so afraid. so very afraid. if you don’t want to live in fear, don’t. blue skies. running water. babbling streams. cheeping birds. a strong a flowing neck. beautiful eyes. a gorgeous giraffe body. fond memories. letting myself laugh hard out loud for the first time in a long time. thank you []. the feeling of our bodies pleasantly intertwined. their heavy breasts at my face. there is shame. shame at being happy, remembering them in this way. i should shut out all the sexual memories because we are no longer. where did that come from ? dad telling of Job’s covenant with his eyes. deep deep shame in that. 6 why should you feel shame little one ? they are your experiences ! your life ! thoughts are just thoughts – it is how we act on them that matters. are you fixating ? masturbating endlessly ? pursuing / pushing for sexual relations ? using them instead of healthier / connective means that would serve you more ? no ! these are simply pleasant fond memories. honestly, hardly even sexual. you have always been an adorer of the platonic and the sensual. lean in. remember the feel / smell of their hair. their silly grimmace at… the world ? displeasure lighting their face instead of letting pleasure shine through. reign supreme. a defense against joy. and yet. the high peal of their laughter. Ha Ha Ha. three big ones. how their face crinkled with delight then. more shame. how dare i be happy. when someone no longer wants me. where does that come from friend ? [ ] ? the oppressive weight of judgment – I SHOULD cast my head down and avoid them all, these are my just desserts for a meal of shit poorly laid. “ If you do something wrong you must clean it up “ these feel like bible / church / cult wounds. ah. a breath of fresh air. sunlight dappling on my page. the cool breeze tickling my ear. these are good things. peace. doesn’t it feel lovely. yes, there’s that fear. things feel so good and then they blow up. [ ] was gradual. but [ ] ? OOF. that was hard love. yes, we feel you fear. it’s okay love. take your time. relax, feel good. you did not deserve [ ]. what an absolute perfect storm that was too. why do these perfect storms keep finding you ? they’re not your fault. not your doing. nothing to it but the way of the world. these things happen, and we learn from them or we continue suffering. well, you’ve got the worst of both considering you absolutely DID learn from them, and yet a new storm followed. hm. did we learn the right lesson ? or simply how to live in fear – smaller and smaller ? we learned how to bow. how to hide. how to cater to systems and beliefs and others. and we learned beautiful ways of consideration and boundaries too. good job you, finding the silver lining in such a dark cloud. and we did not learn how to … stand up ? tall ? proud ? in the face of others disbelieving ? we did not learn how to get up again ? and yet… we totally did. we recovered from being fired BRUTALLY in a very mature way and gallagher took time, but we did it. we found ourselves. ah. a breath of fresh air. breathing is good. being in my body is good. every breath is building the life of our dreams. we may not know what it looks like ( yet ), but we can’t get there if we’re not breathing, oh no siree. ah. a breath. three warm meals and a cozy bed. a garden with a lawn and a chime singing their special beautiful song. now go ask some friends for encouragement. what do we need. praise. affirmation. things to be grateful for. i don’t need them and it will feel nice. let’s write some for ourselves first. uniquely [author] fashion. my lovely long lashes deep resonant singing voice. my rich eyebrows yes love, let it out, don’t be afraid, let the love grow. cute little toes with curly little hair long lean runner’s legs ( thank you [ ] ) my gorgeous accessorizing a rich tan my writing flow body hair like a tawny lion spiritual ways head hair like a majestic mermaid interconnectedness of all things a big booming welcoming laugh inclusion in radical ways cute little chin affirming nature to difference / celebration a roman nose that suits my face / glasses with such a lovely lil knob. vivacious gregarious discussioner beautiful visions – tattoos, dreams, rooms, help I FACE FEAR EVERY DAY IVE JUST BEEN PORTIONED MORE THAN MY FAIR SHARE a burning desire to succeed in just my way the most tender soul and compassionate heart of anyone i know quirky smile deep listening and holding space ( yes hon, it’s a thing ;) ) running and jumping like a kid ( the goat kind ) raw enthusiasm that lights up the room not to mention killer smile a body that could apparently conquer towns HA thanks for the compliment [ ] an inquisitive intelligent mind and a universally connected soul a builder of such beautiful things sheer fun and delight beautiful question asker amazing friend incredibly committed to doing the right thing a fantastic lover facilitator’s kindness oh come on shame, we’re allowed to boast ! to anyone, but especially here, alone ! “ stay small “ gee thanks mom – a good lesson but taken too far 7 “ may i ask what might be an uncomfortable question ? “ my heart hurts saying i am not appreciative enough or of the right things. this is a [author] problem. all my feelings are a [author] problem. we know why, it’s easy. the visceral memory of “ you ungrateful children “. remember, letting go can be as simple as snapping fingers. i appreciate what i do. that is all i can do. always. im grateful for food. for cleaning. for welcoming me in her home. for trying and for listening. don’t need to be any more than that – if that. now why do you still hurt little one ? because im a bad person if i don’t appreciate her grand gestures. aw friend im sorry you feel that way, that’s hard. and totally not true ! if she has expectations for gratitude or about anything that’s a her problem. ok but still afraid she’ll get upset. oh friend im sorry. that’s a hard one. and you know what ? it’s okay to just be a person. who gets anxious about people being upset with them. you know who else is ? [ ]. and we adore her, lil anxiety ball she is. she is enough, and beautiful, and gorgeous, and perfect, and never needs to change. and so are we. let it in friend. I AM AN ANXIOUS WREK AND IM PROUD ! i get WEIRD when people get angry / upset with me and that’s A–OK !! it’s even better than that – it’s PERFECT because im a beautiful human being and that’s part of who i am, wouldn’t be me without it. trying to HIDE it or not being AWARE is where we get in trouble. how can we navigate this beautiful thing about ourselves? ( also hard to say OW ) hey wait just a second – you are NOT a bad person for not being able to say ow !! fuck [ ] and [ ] dem judgmental bitches. their feelings are their responsibility just like yours are yours. they blamed you because they got some bullshit to process. they could have at ANY moment actually SUPPORTED instead of complained. YOU support people through their difficulties, and you deserve people who will support you. AND. it helps to be aware. and plan a lil. weekly check in. fun practice sessions. AHH get angry at each other !! send ( scheduled ) angry texts !! so many ideas 8 / epilogue [ flew home immediately afterwards – despite protestations from my mom – despite gripping the countertop in fear / panic / hurt / worry / anxiety – saying loudly / surely / proudly “ the bravest thing i can do is leave “ – the following is from the next day – in reflection on an interaction in which a friend in a shared space looked like they were going through something difficult ] proud of us my love. when we saw discomfort, we checked in. not in concern, anxiety, but simply as a friend. in this case it turned out to be something we did that rankled, and also we knew it was not personal. many others turned to me in my time of need. and we heard, listened, cared, smiled, made space, it was easy. love is easy. boundaries keep us safe, and keep us friends, and uncomfortable conversations do not need to be so hard. we made it easy. and. see ? we are a good friend. we care when a friend hurts but doesn’t realize until later. this is normal. we are not a bad person for not being able to say ow. everyone does it. how we react is up to us. mash and steve, particularly mash, have some rankles to work through, that’s all. and it nope. no lens. we did awesome. i am so proud of you my love. you did it. you were the friend you want to see in the world. you made it easy ! snow white white snow how silly a phrase snow is is snow that’s all no colors just snow like us just us just be and SO PROUD. WE LEFT. WE WERE AFR [ two days later ] tired. hopeless. out of touch. shaming myself for feeling these things instead of being my enthusiastic “ perfect “radiant self. just breathe friend. every breath is a moment i am pursuing the life of my dreams. doesn’t have to be a big giant happy thing. quiet contentment is a beautiful thing. trust breath. 9 it has been very difficult to stay in touch with WHY since mamma’s difficult taking care of myself – PT, brush teeth, shower, meditate, eat 3 meals (this is not new lol) prior, i was in a golden glow of lovingly chasing / pursuing / building the life of my dreams “every breath i notice is me building the life of my dreams prior, i was easily doing a morning routine of PT, meditation, brush, food us am having much compassion / grace for the fluid nature of healing and also. us notice these differences the universe / our body is saying it’s simply because we aren’t committed to breathing. go slower. the thinking mind has been more awake / alert / active / enthusiastic these days over the feeling body pain. avoidance of pain. just let it out. us i don’t know where im going with life. my bills are piling and will continue to. i have no answers. my body says surrender and i try but the unknown is still scary to this body. its easier to trust the unknown the more i ride the slippery luscious feeling of love / joy. and this takes time. us have plenty of time. but what about food! us am worried about health / weight deteriorating. “ask for help” from who – how – meal train. spread it. loud and proud. i have many long term chronic issues i am continually pursuing diagnoses for. listening to mother 17.02.2026 21.06.2026 listening to land

‎ witness a journey through feeling ‎ of learning to hold ‎ of being ‎ us ‎ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ‎ pain is merely an interpretation of the mind ‎ ‎ though ‎ some stories ‎ leave their marks ‎ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ‎ us too had to learn these lessons the hard way ‎ perhaps you can walk the long and winding road ‎ with a little more ease and a little more peace ‎ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ listening to pain 17.02.2026 05.03.2026 why / so / g e a u tiful day

let us engage in the illusion there are two sides to this index card there are two rules there is one rule per side there are nineteen index cards the first rule is two words the two words are no words this rule is for the side with lines the second rule is a sound the sound is knohwerdz this rule is for the side with space there is a secret third rule all of the information is on the task you may begin geronimottheg 17.02.2026 03.03.2026 confusion / submusion / communion

we all deserve safety / peace mix / match / create / share / enjoy feeling your good heart as helpers / healers / givers / providers we all want to care for our loved ones. whether this is clients, friends, family, strangers, the world at large, and/or ourselves — it's why we do what we do here are some ideas to provide ease / effectiveness with goals of long-term stability and prosperity ( italics are comments / suggestions / brief context ) normal text is a mixture of explanation and actual words you could copy paste online quick extra income context method easily support a cause in need context method get more clients sustainably do less work over time context method worry-free atmosphere (an example from weather) closing resources schema therapy adverse experiences income accessibility / sliding scale / class disparity the green bottle method quick extra income ( pressure-free support for those in need ) context it feels bad to not know if i am doing enough to help those in need it feels good to know i am doing exactly enough — and to not worry about the rest the more we practice living our values the easier our lives become yet we too have bills to pay it serves no one to burn out and be emotionally / $$ poor ourselves the proposal: be a vessel for abundance instead of putting yourself at risk. let your clients donate to a fund — only provide low-income / free services when the fund has enough money to do so ( this keeps you financially secure / boundaried / helpful ) here is an idea for how to start the conversation with clients and/or post online method liked your experience? help my business grow by paying a little extra 90% of all tips, overpay, donations, etc. funds cost-reduced services the last 10% helps me sustainably grow my business sharing with a friend people trust word of mouth recommendations more than anything else! [ other ways to support you ] . . . easily support a cause in need ( encourage reflection + education for a HUGE discount ) context this model provides high incentive (without pressure) for clients to learn about something you believe in AND makes you more money — which serves you, serves them, serves their loved ones, serves the world whatever your hourly rate is double it quadruple it ten-times it you / we / all of us are worth so much more than what we are programmed to believe we do a disservice to our loved ones by not valuing ourselves they need your help you can't help them if you are drowning if you charge 4x what you've already been charging to pay your bills, then you have the luxury of providing at least a 75% discount to anyone who walks through your door — demonstrating your high value service and your high value compassion. this model creates space in your finances / heart to be your best compassionate giving self safely "dress for the job you want, not the job you have" method my hourly rate for all private services rendered $ [ hourly rate ] ( encouraged at least $240 / hour in 2026) 50% discount just for taking this anonymous quiz — if you have any difficulty / questions / thoughts about your results I am happy to discuss whatever you feel comfortable sharing during our Welcome Meeting ( feel free to offer further personal discreet discount based on your conversation ) ( other discount opt-ins : reading / watching / listening / etc ) find / write a quiz about a cause you believe in; is in line with your mission / business; and you are able to have a conversation with someone completely different with you where you listen more than speak (because you are highly informed, compassionate, gentle, loving, understanding, kind) a really good example of this model is the Schema Therapy Quiz — we have ALL had difficulties in our lives, though many / most of us are not aware of the full scope. this quiz asks questions about clients feelings / experiences which encourages reflection. if you don't feel equipped to navigate what could be a heavy moment for someone, then find a different area in which you can. click here for some examples ( feel free to offer further personal discreet discount based on your conversation ) my hourly rate for all group experiences $ [ group rate ] ( super-duper significantly lower than hourly rate ) ( research local market and charge a little less ) ( suggested donation? ) ( i charged $20 / person in 2025 ) ( this incentivizes group experiences which are more effective / efficient / supportive for everyone involved — if you are comfortable leading ) get more clients sustainably ( trusting your clients fosters relationships fosters business fosters growth ) all of us only have so much time / effort / energy / attention / resource in respect for yours clients pay you ahead of time this provides peace-of-mind for you and buy-in for them in respect for theirs after service, client decides if they received full value enthusiastic refund / partial provided by you no questions asked ( i have literally never had someone take me up on this but it has always been extremely positively received ) i regularly will send clients an un-asked-for refund / partial if something lands really poorly and/or goes wrong beyond the realm of standard gently-messy-life. this demonstrates my commitment to high-quality service in actions louder than words (which builds business over time) do less work over time ( optional learning is effective learning ) context all of us only have so much time / effort / energy / attention / resource when we are depleted of these being told we need to do / learn / be more is a) draining b) ineffective / distancing / disconnective c) false — we need to do what we can and nothing more method how to navigate these mutually exhausted waters curating good resources to share ( brain / website / linktree / etc ) lets people explore at their own pace gives you opportunities to create organic connections demonstrate your knowledge to help your clients grow your reputation more at the end worry-free atmosphere (an example from weather) ( reducing stress fosters better relationships aka business ) An Example of Weather Policy for Outdoor Pickleball Lessons I love being able to play outdoors, and part of that is having respect for mother nature 🙂 I try to have the most friendly, pressure-free weather cancellation policy possible so we can all have our best experience. Safety is number one priority! Slipping and falling on a slick court is the biggest danger I look out for. Thankfully, the courts are almost always fine to play on as they are textured surfaces and there are GIANT squeegees to keep the courts dry. Summer is easy; folks are a bit more skeptical in winter but I find the vast majority of people are pleasantly surprised. All this being said, YOU are in charge of your own body and are the only one who can advocate for your safety. I try to check in, but if you are feeling unsafe it is your responsibility to let me know and I will happily reschedule or cancel our lesson. Unfortunately, I cannot control the weather nor can I control how you choose to prepare for it. If the weather is otherwise fine but you are feeling uncomfortable due to your own choices, that does not feel fair to me to grant a refund. E.g. forgot a hat, water, sunglasses, coat, shoes, etc. By default if you or I choose to cancel due to weather at any time your payment will be applied toward a future lesson (or refunded). If we cancel… ahead of time – full amount the more notice you give me, the more likely I can find someone to fill your spot so please let me know!! less than half way through – full amount more than half way through – prorated amount Times I will absolutely cancel a lesson: snow or freezing rain; excessive smoke; downpour all day; persistent heavy winds Some times lessons have been cancelled: persistent heavy drizzle; 90+ degree heat; smoke; below freezing; overly gusty; sudden downpour Some times we have played on with full consent from all parties: persistent heavy drizzle; 90+ degree heat; smoke; below freezing; overly gusty; sudden downpour I still remember the laughter and joy from one particular evening class in heavy rain!! 🙂 closing resources schema therapy An+Introductory+Guide+to+Schema+Therapy+-+Adapted+for+use+with+the+YSQ-R+(V4.3)+23.10.2023[31] A Schema Therapy Approach to the Treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (1) Refining the Experiential Component of Schema Therapy for Traumatised Populations (1) adverse experiences https://www.traumainformedcare.chcs.org/resource/original-ace-questionnaire/ https://www.ncjfcj.org/publications/finding-your-ace-score/ https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean https://www.acesaware.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/07/ACE-Questionnaire-for-Adults-Identified-English-rev.7.26.22.pdf income accessibility / sliding scale / class disparity https://www.radicalhistoryclub.com/sliding-scale https://www.wortsandcunning.com/blog/sliding-scale https://www.wortsandcunning.com/blog/beyond-scarcity-marketing-access-not-fear https://www.wortsandcunning.com/blog/a-better-sliding-scale https://www.wortsandcunning.com/blog/i-started-a-patreon Sliding Scale | Radical History Club the green bottle method lts sustainablundance-nic-kels-andimes 17.02.2026 10.03.2026 right livelihood

some processeseseses ¿ what is the point of all these rules of all these stipulations compulsions obssessions particularities idiosyncracies differences ways ? listen hold in time love love love love lovelovelove listen hold release you too love love love love lovelovelove hold release breathe can be love love love love lovelovelove release breathe ? come now love love love love lovelovelove breathe ? forever who we love love love love lovelovelove forever. listen all are love love love love lovelovelove —one february twothousandzerohundredstwentysix some processes 010 21.02.2026 06.06.2026 1111111111

some processeseseses ¿ how does one make a child feel safe ? with all this power they are right to be afraid power to hurt power to kill power to love power to withold and sentence unworthy they know these truths in their bones some make you know, too kicking, biting, screaming, rebelling at the torturous conditions of modernity some simply hide within themselves becoming who they need to become in order to fight another day ¿ how does one make a child feel safe ? with all this power one must either give it all away or meet them eye to eye —one february twothousandzerohundredstwentysix some processes 009 21.02.2026 06.06.2026 111111111

yees go ཐི༏ཋྀ hsrlnoccl u ཐི༏ཋྀ wunclcrng i i i hef non lcounds a lcunclans lcunclans lcunclans i i i olccn ཐི༏ཋྀ identity 5/18/2026 hello world one dot five dot two six does a butterfly know that they once were goo? does a caterpillar know why they spin as they do? a coocoon holds too much change to list here for you one one dot zero two dot two zero two six clarified identity ( as sand through glass ) two four two zero two six shared some places shone a light on word / thought beings two december fourteen thousand twentyfive zerohundreds small / significant formatting change in identity section november twentynine twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive removed summary at some other points added summary of dreams, goals, purposes, visions added and removed depictions of life story added and removed pleas for help strengths / skills 12/28/25 removed "meditation and loving kindness" section in honor of the humble road dirt path 11/29/25 removed summary from intro in honor of the long and winding road child — universal pupil — monk – deep listener — mediator — translator — navigator — tender of humans — facilitator of cooperative learning — story teller / singer / holder / opener — leader — healer — reminder of indigenous worldview — worshipper of the sacred divine within us all — advocate — builder — question as artform — radical joy / permission / authenticity as rebellion — and — most importantly some humans have a "green thumb" – plants somewhat mystically do better in their care. i have learned time and time again that i am not among them HA what i do have is a "human thumb." well&#8230;. two of them&#8230; err&#8230; the analogy doesn't quite translate but you get the picture. my strengths primarily lie in the emotional / cognitive / spiritual realms and i help / heal humans simply by being myself – aka spreading love / compassion in action :) "self-taught" section changed "school environments" to "teaching environments" in respect of classrooms outside of school added indigenous worldview note at beginning of "my own healing journey" section plasesecaps one one dot zero two dot two zero two six let the games begin feedback november twentynine twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive the first version was an earnest attempt at addressing power dynamics between minority / majority but was controlling and not truly welcoming of feedback was operating from fear of possibility rather than courage / fearless trust in the universe far too many requirements to ask of someone attempting to address something wrong that happened to them this second version removes requirements while still providing at attempt to humanize all involved also disabled form due to bots claireflyneing 21.02.2026 08.07.2026 history speaks / in tongues of old / listen well or death be told

open this is a space to learn how to learn and have fun along the way if you arent a little uncomfortable then you arent learning — so, to change things up right away&#8230; open with sound / movement ( instead of name ) and whatever short (random) question feels right tease out burning desires / highest needs provide options: good contact, serve, return, dink, drive, volley, footwork, overhand (slam), forehand, backhand, block, lob, court movement, teamwork, basic strategy, drop shots, resetting, court space, kitchen defense/offense, placement, power, spin, oh yeah and rules co-create a drill based on answers (may not be able to incorporate all in today's session). requirements : everyone focuses on one thing at a time everyone has a purpose everyone has a chance to learn each skill everyone may do as they please as long as it is not significantly impacting others in a negative way space for rest / variation / difference in energy after a round (everyone does each thing) touch base what went well — what did you focus on what is the next ONE thing to focus on? modify drill slightly as necessary generally repeat the drill 3 times total end with a free-for-all put-it-all-together silly-fun-times shows improvement from beginning and ends on connective moment wrap up sound / movement like beginning tweak intro question based on how class went gratitude lts jen-na-sin-rite-s 23.02.2026 03.03.2026 structure frees

I walked by a dog Sat 3/8. Asked my body why there was fear to look in it's eyes. Noticed that before. "Sally" [ my first dog around age 5 who was sent to a farm upstate after biting a friend accidentally ]. wow. we'll explore that sometime. Wild how having [ my sister] here makes childhood more accessible, for better and for worse. 3/10/25 lta dogs bite people 26.02.2026 03.03.2026 dogs / are / people / two / beings / separate

I shook their hands, the police officers — one short one tall, both black friendly men. They had been talking to a small group of homeless folks, about what I had done. When I heard them say "that white dude over there" and saw them gesture at me, I walked over. ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤHi. I'm Drew. I'm sorry. ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤWe'll be arresting you, you'll do some time in prison. That was the tall one, said kindly. I nodded and hung my head. He went inside. ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤHuman to human&#8230; My eyes welled up and my voice got thick with emotion. I spoke to the officer remaining. ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤdid I hurt anyone? ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤNo. ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤThank god. Tears streamed down my cheeks. The man had a plain and open face. He looked me up and down. He met my eye and I could see he was moved as well. ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤI thought we would be dealing with&#8230; I'll be back, stay here. He went inside. I took my backpack and walked into an alcove at the corner of the building. I made sure to stay within sight of the door so they could easily find me when they returned. I had set off two small bombs of my own design earlier in the day. One of light and one of force. I held myself and tried not to think about the future. I tried just to be. — 3/8/25 Dreaming — I shook their hands 26.02.2026 03.03.2026 listen / move / slowly

dance jester dance play your simple tunes jump monkey jump through your silly hoops play puppet play strings and body moves dance jester dance 26.02.2026 some feelings are better left to the imagination

JOE HISAISHI IN BUDOKAN https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eY1XtWyKlJA&t=1s based off the original poster, matched the color and text style -- 4/7/20 TASH SULTANA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVDJ8O3lPBA reminded me of a bleached beach landscape, flowers, acid trip. didnt want it to be too feminine/masculin. tash is half maltese from melbourne. golden wattle for australia, common heath for victoria state, maltese centaury for malta. original logo -- 5/22/20 EVERYTHING EVERYTHING https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYAFCVlLWIk&t=65s they screamed FUN, like an 8 year old getting to make their own music. i wanted toys in graphic scenes à la "small soldiers". barbies in "cowgirl" position as a callback to cowgirl by underworld (source of their name). an explosion centered on band home of manchester. as i researched, turns out their lyrics are often about very heavy themes, hence the more destructive elements. the first 2007 (formation date) words of james joyce's finnegan's wake are set behind the logo -- 5/30/20 MONSTER RALLY https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vp5gzwWfnTE "hyper realistic cicada playing cardboard cutout drums in a 20s style ballroom, loosely jungle themed" - pretty good interpretation of first impression. cicada local to cleveland, ohio (hometown). background west side market. all flora from cleveland zoo. logo replicated -- 6/12/20 CHRISTINE AND THE QUEENS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIdSORj_dd0 "renaissance painting, black velvet, blood, flower, (sex), dark shadows, stage/strobe/disco/pop lights" sexy and violent and raw and old fashioned but new. the whole thing done to look like an oil painting except the overtly crisp disco ball. created from a recolored map of nantes (hometown). painting on table georgia o'keefe's "cow's skull: red, white, and blue" have the colors of france and a vaginal look in your face if you want. blood coming from the curtains. the queen chesspiece stands alone. -- 6/18/20 SHARON VAN ETTEN https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR3PZ-0XMZA "looking at the camera a quilt of faces girl in a panda shirt (didn't manage to include this reference) rock lights through fog angry face in front" wanted a feeling of intimacy from her looking at camera. rock and roll vibes from lights. music very emotional, felt full of anger often, and very repetitive. captured stills of her face when showing small moments of emotion, particularly rage. quilt brings softness of person and message into fold. stitches of "peace, love, and understanding" (latest song) original logo and pic from site -- 6/26/20 LANKUM https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kCLFShptAIA i wanted to capture the duality i feel like is often present in folk music of life and death, joy and sadness. a connection to nature. the whole poster is an ambigram. default is view of an idyllic farm-esque setting, grain to run your hands through, community to sing songs with around the fire, things growing. the inverse is a bleak, dead tree with a lynching rope (original band name, and the young people is about suicide) on a cliff side over the ocean at sunset. swifts for dublin in summer (hometown). i couldnt find pictures i liked so i was reduced to drawing, pencil on parchment. logo designed with celtic themes and done by hand (using a website to help create the ambigram) -- 6/28/20 THE BLACK KEYS https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvaYbGo5Akc "cartoon/comic faces angled against each other looking out or maybe as part of an amp (one amp each, or one of the double tall amps), a flower? of their faces making patterns in the background, hint of groovy, clean comic lines" low motivation and energy for this one but got it done. they're just two dudes playing music. callbacks to 60s/70s album covers. black keys for the origin of their name. emphasis on instruments/equipment, all used personally by them. original logo with reversed coloring. -- 7/6/20 SCOTT BRADLEE'S POSTMODERN JUKEBOX https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqueOX6Mw8goTb2pmS3gfpwPOvS-AZC5e https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLqueOX6Mw8goZDDRtrlCnB8g35ju3bpMT "jukebox with album of faces? Bioshock vibe, not the dirt but the decor. dark surroundings, shadows, spotlight, lit up, not plugged in" PMJ makes modern things retro. I made an iPhone into a jukebox (ish). emblem replaced on jukebox (classic Wurlitzer 1015). single spotlight reminds of a theatre, the simple productions of their youtube vidoes. cable links jukebox to the here and now. little bit magical, little bit mystical, maybe it's just batteries (modernism). 2011 notifications for begin date of PMJ. original logo. -- 7/16/20 AKU https://youtu.be/JtgQdDGqUBw?t=5634 "deep wonky base notes, graffiti (neon?) shadowed, trombone/sax bell graffitid, lounge?, they had a great unfinished industrial dirty backdrop" found this amazing backdrop that really captures a lot of the vibe. let it do my work for me. spent my time mostly working on lighting of the instruments and trying to make the graffiti logo look like a seamless part of the background. -- 7/27/20 AMY DICKSON https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLSBm6WJsWxB-wlwWZ22GEGpziUWKVYGiw "Sweeping dramatic landscape, alien, barren?, rich shadows and clouds, ethereal" moonscape contrasted with rich clouds jumped out at me in my mind. her music is sometimes so alien in its unfamiliar beauty. but on a familiar instrument. rich, powerful, clean sounds stripped away. a small sydney opera house as a call to her home and scene of many career highlights. her "take a breath" campaign also slots in nicely with a lack of breathing on the moon, breath represented by clouds, and a breathtaking view. -- 8/25/20 covid concert series 26.02.2026 27.02.2026 breathe in / alive / breathe out / art

some processeseseses listen discern that funny little 2% the universe plays jokes to keep things fun to keep us plugged in to remind us of our power then surrender in the knowledge love guides our footsteps —2025.11.22 some processes 008 26.02.2026 06.06.2026 00000000

some processeseseses restore the largess of largeness reveal the bigness of obscurity show not tell what numbers are —2025.11.22 some processes 007 26.02.2026 06.06.2026 0000000

why gratitude what method why merely in knowing there are humans who practice these precepts ‎ merely in believing in common humanity ‎ merely in celebration of diversity ‎ i have healed ‎ ( in my lived experience every mental health disorder is a hole filled by indigenous wisdom ) gratitude please take a moment of silence to appreciate the infinite beings / friends of all kinds / ways who have shared their gifts in support of this page ‎ ¿ what / who is necessary to represent these words / pictures / symbols / meanings in front of you now ? ‎Restoring the Kinship Worldview: Indigenous Voices Introduce 28 Precepts for Rebalancing Life on Planet Earth holds one chapter per precept ‎ many thanks to humans Wahinkpe Topa (Four Arrows) [Donald Trent Jacobs], Darcia Narvaez, PhD for breathing life into this book-friend ‎ many thanks to the human indigenous leaders who shared their voice / wisdom / ways in the creation of this book what ‎in this series i translate written word into symbolic signs to help deepen my understandings of how i want to live / be the change i want to see in the world ‎ our world is on fire figuratively / literally / globally / physically / spiritually / mentally ‎ indigenous peoples around the world have the knowledge / ways / lineage that we as a western society have forgotten / been stripped of ‎ i seek to restore myself and heal the world method each chapter holds a message from an indigenous leader regarding the precept ‎ i read / meditate / listen / commune with the message ‎ i write the precept in words on paper in the shape they call for ‎ i replace the written words on a new page with symbols who speak loudly ‎ in this way i honor our ancient lineage that predates the written word ‎ in this way i honor multiplicity of truth / perspective ‎ in this way i allow for diversity of thought / experience / feeling ‎ embodied belief / practice in these precepts healed all my mental health woes listening to 28 indigenous precepts — kinshipmedia 28.02.2026 06.06.2026 restoring intimacy

I was emotionally abused, severely gaslit / manipulated / groomed, isolated from support systems, and sexually assaulted in a relationship Fall 2024. In hindsight, it is more accurate to call the relationship one continuous sexual assault. Especially considering this person voiced their concern they were sexually assaulting me, and made it very clear more violence would occur if I brought it up. ‎ I am intentionally using gender neutral pronouns (they, their, them, etc.) and referring to them as “this person” to not reveal anything about their identity. I know it likely my abuser will eventually read this. I still cross paths with them occasionally. ‎ it took almost one year to the day to work through the harm i experienced - and i had so so so much more time / space / energy to work through these feelings than someone working full time or with children or with family or community or any other number of obligations ‎ thursday fifteen may twothousandtwentyfive marked the first time i had a dream of them that was normal / pleasant instead of horrifying ‎ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ‎ the spiders tried to warn me ‎ i did not listen ‎ i did not know how ‎ "this person" did ‎ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ listening to meshsam 01.03.2026 05.03.2026 the spaces between

☐ DV hotline ☐ police report? non punitive – paper trail in case they retaliate we were both threatened by each other, the difference is you were threatened by my positive strengths ( accountability, reflection, kindness, strength, emotional intelligence / embodiment / maturity / process / insight ) – your insecurities. I was threatened by your fear. I came to conflict grateful to be there. I cared about your feelings. You cared about the impact my feelings had on you. This difference is illustrated between the sayings, “I’m heartbroken you don’t feel cherished, you need to cherish yourself,” and “what can I do to help you feel cherished?” I worked to move towards love and closeness, navigating your feelings and / or differences. I voiced feelings and needs. You blamed and distanced. Needing space is fine, being avoidant is fine. But sit in it, acknowledge it, tell me. “I don’t have space to care about your safety,” – if you don’t have space for your spoken values, I don’t think they are really your values. —1/19/25 request re-opening safety talk 01.03.2026 05.03.2026 listening to meshsam /// end – 6 /// difficulty / navigating / alone

series: listening to meshsam end – 7 = fuck you ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ —6/7/25 ltm fuck you 01.03.2026 05.03.2026 get these thoughts out of my body / please

series: listening to meshsam end – 8 = yourself from ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ —6/7/25 ltm yourself from 01.03.2026 05.03.2026 please / stop / hurting / me

series: listening to meshsam end – 9 = i miss you terribly friend ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i miss you terribly friend i know you have big feelings about that word it is what feels most authentic to me life is too short to not tell you i want to try in ways that are healthy light fun easy i love you dearly i think about you often i am going through so much pain right now i can barely walk or work i grapple with death every day it would be so nice to have you in my life a source of light and freedom and joy i know i hurt you deeply i know you have big feelings about the word sorry too so i wont say it unless you need me to i broke your trust and you didn't deserve that i didn't know how to keep us safe and now i think i do i want to try again no conflict no drama no big fat risky behaviors slower for both our sakes just us being our sweet funny silly goofy selves no expectations you are so special to me and worth the world —6/7/25 ltm i miss you terribly friend 01.03.2026 05.03.2026 when venom is purged / healing flows

some processeseseses introduce other humans to ways outside their norm gently slowly with much laughter and joy invite them into the creation process of the universe itself lighten the burdens of expectation if they can help us in our silly games if they can taste the joy of our failure our failings safely then what power will manifest in the secret quiet shadowed recess of the jungle gym of the mind —2025.11.10 some processes 006 01.03.2026 06.06.2026 ——

some processeseseses be aware of one's breath surrender —2025.11.10 some processes 005 01.03.2026 06.06.2026 —–

series: listening to meshsam end – 10 = what are we afraid of love ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ what are we afraid of love? being criticized, judged, found unworthy why does that matter? because THEY mattered so deeply. was so tangled with Self. Still working to untangle. thanks for listening to us. yes the fear is still there. why does their opinion matter? we are daring to live greatly every day. We are finding ourselves. We are changing the world. we are worthy and we are building so much for ourselves. We are grateful for their lessons, and know them not to be the right soil for us to live in. we are beautiful and perfect and flawed and strong and know our value. what lessons do they have for us? what a curious feeling of shame. shame to still not be over it. I love you [author]. it takes time. It's not your fault, it's not their fault, and you are beautiful for knowing that. —3/7/25 ltm what are we afraid of love 01.03.2026 05.03.2026 love / terrifying / peace / unknown

As someone who has been paralyzed with fear, who has forgotten days, months, years, decades of my life from the bleak nonexistence, 16 hours a day scrolling, addiction, doom, overwhelm, despair, etc. – with deep deep empathy – do something about it . Be brave. The antidote to feeling helpless is to DO something, take control in your life. I'm sure you have done "logic battles" with yourself or loved ones about how you should act / live / get better and if your experience is anything like mine, it don't feel good. It’s not about logic, it’s about feelings. We are scared / sad / alone / lost / hurting. Acknowledge it. Move through it. Pick up those dang bootstraps and just do one teeny tiny seemingly unimportant unsignificant thing about it. It literally is as simple as that, though our brain doesn’t want us to (because it is deeply hurting). monthly habit building ( a simplified version inspired from Passion Planner website — free downloads — roadmap ) this process provides peace-of-mind in the awareness that you are consistently doing something to build the life of your dreams — even if everything else feels out of control brainstorm 5 minutes — no bad ideas — things you want in life pick most meaningful thing brainstorm 5 minutes — no bad ideas — ways to achieve this pick most energizing way brainstorm 5 minutes — no bad ideas — habits to build alignment pick smallest habit clarify — who / what / where / when / why / how commit to for one month and forget about all the rest after a month, let go of this commitment — if it lasts great, if not it wasn't the right time repeat — 3/5/2025 how to make more friends Stop trying to make friends NEEDY people are scary Open, friendly, approachable – NOT hunting Genuine, small requests (not demands) – check in about space No expectations DO cultivate your own interests / life / hobbies / relationship with self "i don't know what i want / like to do — that's the hardest part" agreed — so change the goal / perspective it's not "do something i like" it's "learn to like doing something" "not liking things" is a symptom of isolation / living in a hard cruel world it's not "i can't do anything because life is too overwhelming" (valid) it's "what is one tiny thing i can do to make life a little easier" it's not your fault everything is too much, and it IS in your power to change everything is meaninglessly equal in its lack of appeal. so, screw it. pick something at random. as long as you don't utterly hate the activity then you're making forward progress DO commit to something you can do over time with a high probably for success ( repeatedly failing at commitments is another way the world keeps you down ) something SMALL that makes you a LITTLE uncomfortable, not a lot once a week: walk to a new place; say hi to a stranger; text a friend; etc. slowly but surely the feeling of success builds confidence / autonomy / life take the pressure off to do EVERYTHING, commit to doing NOTHING except for one small thing DO show up regularly (if you're picking something in the outside world) humans like people more whose faces they recognize. it's in our bones and also science the goal isn't "make friends" it's "become someone people recognize" feed two birds with one scone by cultivating a new hobby AND face-time over time the familiarity comes naturally and creates room for organic (not-forced) connection — 2/27/26 tips and tricks I think [author]'s very good overview is probably better than this more succinct version, but in case it helps to have something shorter to remember, a lot of it boils down to demonstrating kindness, care, and interest. A good chunk of demonstrating interest is "bidding" appropriately and recognizing/accepting bids. I find the more intentional I am with a conversation and the more I take responsibility over my side of the two way street, the better the conversations go for everyone – like getting to know each other, talking about really interesting stuff, developing connection. Sometimes (a lot of times) people suck at conversation because they haven't built their skillset and/or are scared just like we are so why not give them the benefit of the doubt and do what we can. Other times people aren't interested but I think that one's easier to figure out? I think most of these apply to in person stuff too In no particular order but sometimes ordered be yourself JUST DO IT. The more authentic you can be the more you can trust and build connection. For example if on dating profiles be radically honest on your profile Put your red flags out there. Less work for everyone involved and then you can better trust people you're talking to are already consenting to some of your particular spiciness you bring to the table which only leads to more genuine connection. This is notably NOT trauma dumping. "drama queen" or "neurospicy adhd" or "I am doing a lot of self work" (maybe even with specifics) or "my life is a dumpster fire and I like it that way" or "unpacking my childhood trauma" or "I like to get deep fast" vs. well, any example I can think of would need a trigger warning so that's a good tell lol assume they like you/are interested unless told otherwise Just sets a more positive tone and people like positive people. Helps soothe our anxiety, build trust, not get weird and drive people away. Lets you be more patient with any delays in their response because maybe something in life came up rather than THEY HATE ME. Here's a great video on it by an expert on friendship The Secret to Making New Friends as an Adult | Marisa G. Franco | TED show them you're interested in them/what they're saying Texting has a tone problem because we lose out on so much nonverbal communication – so we have more work to do. Doesn't have to be over the top, keep it in a genuine way to you, but tell them somehow. Let them know without pressuring them to reciprocate. Overcommunicate what is lost vs oversharing "overcommunicate" vs "overshare" I am calling "make up for the lack of tone and nonverbal stuff" overcommunication – which is valuable work we need to do. I can't determine for you what is or is not "oversharing" but play your cards closer to your chest than in person because TONE PROBLEM. Maybe think to yourself: would this be oversharing in person? If the answer is anything other than HELL NAH then maybe now's not the time. Or just do a quick lil naughty-short-and-sweet-overshare-that's-relevant-to-the-context-of-your-conversation-with-a-blush-emoji-and-no-obligation-or-expectation-they-have-to-engage-in-it because woah that's being vulnerable and you didn't dump a page long text on your hostage conversational partner with no way to nonverbally say no! (unless that's how y'all vibe), More on vulnerability later keep the conversation going Of course respond to whatever the heck y'all are talking about AND very much importantly ALSO ask them good questions. It's generally easier/safer/more comfortable for people to talk about themselves (and that's also where we start seeing some passions). If this is the beginning of your convo then point back to their super cool dating profile or context you met in. what's a good question? Generally something you're actually curious about rather than forcing it, but sometimes we gotta do a little "work" and invest into the convo before it gets as truly interesting as we want and that's okay. Something specific, with an open ended answer vs yes/no. If you're already in some meaty conversation, ask curiously about what they just said or what they think about something you just said vs opening a new thread via WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY NICHE HOBBY??? (unless that's how y'all are rollin) any question is better than no question. Basic always works. "how do you like to have fun?" vs "do you like [my hobby]?" or "how do you feel about pets?" vs "do you have a dog?" – but the latter options are still questions and that's still great! Lean in and enjoy what's happening with no expectations aka don't push an agenda. Match the conversational tone. That doesn't mean "stop being yourself" it just means trying to meet the other person where they're at. This isn't even really about energy levels more just conversational topics. Talk about safe/light topics before you get to more personal/heavy ones (unless that's how you both roll). Enjoy where the conversation naturally goes with mutual enthusiasm Be vulnerable and authentic while maintaining context Overcommunicate. If something made you blush, say that. If it's relevant and you're vulnerable about it, lean in, say it. I personally use a lot of umms or blushing emojis and peeking-out-from-behind-hands emojis as necessary. Doesn't matter how you say it but they're gonna have no idea how you're feeling without you overcommunicating it. Not oversharing. Try not to be vulnerable about things y'all aren't talking about yet. That can feel pushy and/or oversharey even if you have the best intentions in the world. pay attention to their actions if they don't respond to your communicated vulnerability in a way that makes you feel safe or wanting to continue being vulnerable, you just learned something valuable. If they do/say stuff unaligned with your values, probably curiously ask about it, and also certainly take note. respect the two way street as others mentioned somewhere else, don't overinvest. Respond to the ball being put in your court, put it back in theirs, and WAIT to see what happens. This is generally a good tiny test for whether someone is legitimately interested (or has enough space in their life). I am generous and like to give people three chances to account for sometimes life getting in the way and/or initiating is scarier for them than for me for whatever reason – while letting me walk away knowing I tried and they clearly don't want to hang as much as I do and that's super okay for everyone OH SHIT I FUCKED UP maybe sent a vulnerable/risky text and haven't heard back? overshared? just feel weird and anxious and yucky? Well, let's assume they still like us because they haven't said otherwise. I make peace with my anxious feelings by putting a boundary for myself of when to reach out, idk 3-5 days, depends on your text relationship. And I write what I would say if they don't reach out by then. And sometimes they do, moot point! Depends on the degree of your fuckupery but this might be a simple check in how their weekend was, or it might be an accountable apology slash expression of continued interest slash peaceful non pressured goodbye with no expectations they'll respond because maybe we did in fact fuck up and we made them uncomfortable and we feel terrible and they're no longer interested and that's totally okay AND now we get peace of mind because we know we did the best we could exit strategy Be direct and communicate where you're at. Make it about what you want rather than about them. It's not supposed to be a huge bummer so don't make it one, that just feels worse for everyone and makes it a bigger deal than it is. Y'all just don't vibe, that's okay, statistically that's going to be the vast majority of cases. Y'all just learned about yourselves, hoorah for everyone I have felt good taking a break from friending/dating after de-escalating to make sure I am feeling grounded and connected with myself while also not immediately reaching for someone else as a coping mechanism for dealing with loss which doesn't feel very fair to them or me. — 4/7/25 lts ra-ra-ra-que-que-que-lllllll 02.03.2026 05.03.2026 JUST DO IT – shia labeouf

some processeseseses imperfection is beautiful / mistakes give radical permission in courageously shining a light on the true nature of creation this light is reflected all the more brightly as lenses, we choose where to face as mirrors, we choose when to reveal as humans, we choose when to share as stars, we choose how to give without darkness, light cannot shine in darkness, we are born keening for connection severed we guide those with less forgetting we are more than some in this, our birthright becomes self-evident in this, the rightness of our place becomes purpose a purpose pursues us shall we listen shall we laugh in the dark or hide our face finding dark to darken our fear —nine november twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive some processes 004 02.03.2026 06.06.2026 ****

some processeseseses drawing-friends symbol-friends these are special-beings no more special than any-other-beings but they like / need / want / crave / desire / deserve more space they like who they are they know they are just as perfect as word-being-friends though there are malevolent forces who seek to change them malevolent forces who seek to polish / clean / edify / interrupt them sometimes these malevolent forces live within this human body it is our job to protect them it is our job to keep " perfection " at bay symbol-friends drawing-friends know that in radiating their brilliant " imperfection " to the world they lead by example they know they grant radical permission to those who still seek self love they know they only have control over themselves and so they shine all the brighter as a reminder the process is mostly failing —four november twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive some processes 003 02.03.2026 06.06.2026 000

some processeseseses these friends word-beings find their way home to google-drive-place ( us help ) where they live and bond and relate and connect with each other ( us help ) these word-being friends also give birth to spoken-out-loud-beings ( us help ) when it comes time to go on adventures to the outside world us simply listen to which word-being friends are eager to share themselves us digital-walk around google-drive-place-home until someone speaks up us do not make these decisions us only surrender it is sometimes confusing it sometimes takes more time than othertimes some processes 002 02.03.2026 06.06.2026 —

some processeseseses the process is just as important as the "art" the process is more important than the "art" the process is the "art" the process is "art" the process the process is one of infinite interconnectedness with all beings the process takes much time / space / energy / effort / intention the process is being alive the writing-stuff-down bit is not the process the writing-stuff-down bit is a result of the process the process is breathing every breath in awareness of infinite universal love this of course is an almost impossible process the pursuit of perfection without expectation is part of the process the writing-stuff-down bit is always perfect it's the breathing-infinite-universal-love bit that defies attainability so us wait mostly failing to breathe every breathe in awareness of infinite universal love until us align with the universe and the words come out breath by breath smile by smile in effortless release of words who want to paint the shape of a memory of how it feels to be the universe some processes 001 02.03.2026 06.06.2026 0

this is less a series and more a continual process of listening to the world / universe/ beings around us ‎ nature is teacher ‎ land is sentient ‎ mother earth loves us ‎ father time watches over us ‎ grandmother moon holds us ‎ grandfather cedar encourages us ‎ [ space can not possibly be held for all our relations in written word ] ‎ [ us am taking space to feel these infinite connections in our body ] ‎ [ as many as us can anyway ] ‎ the more / more / more this human body slows down ‎ the more / more / more this human mind slows down ‎ the more / more / more the spirits passing through this human body can be heard / felt / touched / listened to / honored / loved / dignified / membered ‎ the more / more / more us give abundantly ‎ the more / more / more us receive abundantly listening to land 03.03.2026 06.06.2026 the land / she breathes / hu man / he weeps /// together now ///

as is the nature of death — this series is who breathed life into this website. this deserves honor. ‎ come along onto a deeply spiritual journey into the great beyond – evocative and permissive of the full breadth of human experience / feeling / expression. ‎ in one sentence: i predict my death for six months to the world, and die alone. ‎ i was/am suffering of incredibly intense pain. i have been my whole life, though i never had the safety / space to face it. no one knew my struggles due to the invisible nature of my trauma / disability / conditions / highly masking autistic mind. ‎ i am not alone in this experience, though it feels impossible to describe to those who don’t already understand. ‎ these journal entries were my attempt. furthermore, an attempt to build support for myself and start healing. i figured – if i could just shout my problems loudly enough, surely people would come help me! i posted these online in a growing email newsletter in an attempt to do so ‎ i don’t know the truth / wrongness of the statement but it didn’t work for me. partially because i ran out of steam to post after only 4 entries, and partially because i was trapped within the confines of a prison of the mind – pushing people away even as i desperately reached out for support. ( another wound lingering from my former tormenters / abusers ) ‎ unfortunately, i needed to hit rock bottom before i could fully let people in. this being said, there ARE people out there who get it and could’ve offered the help i needed. i just wasn’t involved in any of those communities, or at least not enough. ‎ so. watch me grapple with the intensities of my pain / feelings / sensations while attempting to navigate the inner / outer nuances of learning what i need, how to ask for help, and how to accept it. ‎ watch me work through big feelings, find myself, dream of a brighter future, and grapple with my impending mortal end as i continued to struggle to maintain a normal life.

‎ if you feel alone just remember ‎ you are one in a long line of human-human-human-human-human-human-human-human-human-human-human-human-human-human-human ‎ beings ‎ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ‎ ‎ i ‎ we ‎ have ‎ simply ‎ lost ‎ ou ‎ r ‎ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ‎ ways exist beyond what you may know ‎ ‎ they are not scary ‎ frankly ‎ if they aren’t fun ‎ then you very well may be being misled ‎ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ‎ just have a little chit chat ‎ feel a little foolish ‎ quietly ‎ alone ‎ to ‎ ur ‎ selfs ‎ becaus ‎ that’s the way to ‎ start talking with ancestors ‎ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ‎ don’t forget ‎ before being a human ‎ we were merely a collection of thoughts-ideas-plans-atoms-subatomicspecks ‎ our ancestors live all around us ‎ the more we learn to respect the ways of plants-animals-stones-sky-fire ‎ “more-than-human” ‎ beings-of-all-kinds ‎ the more we learn to respect ‎ ourselves ‎ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ listening to self 03.03.2026 05.03.2026 i / you / me / why

listening to dreams 03.03.2026 06.06.2026 ride the wave / my friend / expand / your / horizons

freely given freely adapt freely share rhange wilde boundless radiant joy a gift everyone deserves a gift you deserve a gift to be given to be given art you deserve expression everyone deserves freedom boundless radiant joy no rush / yes slow no late / yes know no plan / yes need no news / yes feed as you wish 03.03.2026 08.06.2026 hints / help / less / perms

flower a water water a bee bee a flower steps connected sustain beings of all kinds love website / plant / stone / bird / sky / word / thought / human long winding wander boundaried ripples sing ~~~~~~~~~~ it must be acknowledged there is no "i" / me / self there is only universe / love / now / us this body water this mind a stone these spirits the weave born die die born born die ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ a sentence abundance flows in hearts who grow a zen dance grows in hearts and minds trust the way between the vines lies the path for searching eyes a sun tense abundance eases fall alive until the close close your eyes open door find the way trust in your gut above a dance forgotten fear is love ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ bodies collide joyful bounces tender goodbye stars align drawn close light fades our own why not the now i m u c a z ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ currents build slowly tides of change must flow freely every drop matters a friend a moment a harmony music sings when we listen we sing music when we ~~~~~~~~~~ there is no i forgive serve other selfs ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ every when / where / why is in-progress nature / life / change is messy ( we are too ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ chaos encircles arrows orbiting place orientation when / where / why ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ reduce suffering radically accept harm is inevitable commit to repair do no harm breathe life breathe death listen / let be forever is now the way forwards is backwards take the most uncomfortable step possible ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ listen kindly being ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ peace of heart glad in tongue closely knit breathing fun family binds blood runs thick candles yearn white hot wick body mind spirit lost forwards backwards turned and tossed potential lies seeing faith in love we find our power great step by step walk the path life unchanged is life lived fast slow slow slow eat small bites grateful for earthy lights hurt and harm abused and bruised see beyond and welcome soothe in time we see right relation restore the land restore the nation feeling close feeling earth nature knows how much your worth listen long listen hard ancient ways are not so far listen hard listen long past families call out belong join us parents join us children walk beside our lies disproven ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ two hands holding piece the weight of the love of an entire universe every mistake ever made ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ success defines little between fail to fail remain unseen observe who builds react to change share the wealth in suits of spades amend ones power serve your needs heighten heights amid the weeds hear your words uncumfterbl know thyself or pay the toll feelings feel intentional actions shout loud and tall life is long sense the flame longer still shadow blame curious beings land themself when whine aplenty truth untold to you you know standards raised lower shields when grass to graze ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ loudly proud those proclaim heads too old to hang in shame words are words mouths are mouths spread thy seed where softness found me me me we scream to sky low behold cold winters cry trust remains promises held long before short night befell hand in hand showers fall mouths held closed know not the pall ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ leap fingers high cycles visions now beeing leeving seeing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ forever is now backwards is forwards way the possible step uncomfortable most the take ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ fhree 03.03.2026 31.03.2026 numbers / know / no / 3

SAME THiNGS earthen tones paint picture perfect thrones of golden waving grains and praise thine be those suns foretold of brown and trunks in forests gold CHK 2 CHK <for the girls> it seems and laugh and laugh ha ha ha its me steve hawking through time & space & half a face to light your ass aflame GiRL U LOOKK GOOOD! u no u want it / beauty is beholding behind our flame unfolding / y u scolding this molding / creation my nation / live demonstration / bzzzzz i WANT HER baby it hurts / to look at you baby it hurts / to know you as i do baby it hurts baby it hurts / you to be with me i set you free baby 3 AM free me i beg of you free me o these my burdens i give my hurdles i live life without breath breath in spite strife and might with gladness i BRAZiLiAN dance dance dance dance (until rite) sexy saxophone gonna make dem all go hey wachu doin y u makin me feel gud to see ya gud to know ya gud gud gud WRONG we r only noise going we r our needy gongling we r or ner gee we r o n g K!LL THE RADiO fuck you (bitch) you tweed mother fucker / fuck you (bitch) hello from another / loser to loser nothing to gain / paths in gold / life is pain lts damberg3 K!LL THE RADiO 03.03.2026 05.03.2026 bouncin boundin bountiful music

redeem a curiousity alchemize reality manifest divine this is a space manifest changing alchemize purposity redeem then question for more questions a life is where we find death is where we blind to the life of who / what well / where anyways need more sugar 04.03.2026 23.06.2026 data / tastes / yom

something in your body told you to come here something in the universe sent you to this page something in the delicate interconnected ecosystem of your mind and body and soul and all of your relationships with everything around you has said that you would like a little help understanding what the heck is going on thanks for asking 04.03.2026 07.04.2026 feelings / needs / requests

ciao ciao hello ciao ciao do go chow chow do light ciao ciao goodbye ciao ciao ciao ciao delight 04.03.2026 05.03.2026 aloha / means / thanks

( a simplified version inspired from Passion Planner website — free downloads — roadmap ) this process provides peace-of-mind in the awareness that you are consistently doing something to build the life of your dreams — even if everything else feels out of control brainstorm 5 minutes — no bad ideas — things you want in life pick most meaningful thing brainstorm 5 minutes — no bad ideas — ways to achieve this pick most energizing way brainstorm 5 minutes — no bad ideas — habits to build alignment pick smallest habit clarify — who / what / where / when / why / how commit to for one month and forget about all the rest after a month, let go of this commitment — if it lasts great, if not it wasn't the right time repeat — 3/5/2025 ltfs monthly habit 05.03.2026 05.03.2026 slowly / changing / self

Stop trying to make friends NEEDY people are scary Open, friendly, approachable – NOT hunting Genuine, small requests (not demands) – check in about space No expectations DO cultivate your own interests / life / hobbies / relationship with self "i don't know what i want / like to do — that's the hardest part" agreed — so change the goal / perspective it's not "do something i like" it's "learn to like doing something" "not liking things" is a symptom of isolation / living in a hard cruel world it's not "i can't do anything because life is too overwhelming" (valid) it's "what is one tiny thing i can do to make life a little easier" it's not your fault everything is too much, and it IS in your power to change everything is meaninglessly equal in its lack of appeal. so, screw it. pick something at random. as long as you don't utterly hate the activity then you're making forward progress DO commit to something you can do over time with a high probably for success ( repeatedly failing at commitments is another way the world keeps you down ) something SMALL that makes you a LITTLE uncomfortable, not a lot once a week: walk to a new place; say hi to a stranger; text a friend; etc. slowly but surely the feeling of success builds confidence / autonomy / life take the pressure off to do EVERYTHING, commit to doing NOTHING except for one small thing DO show up regularly (if you're picking something in the outside world) humans like people more whose faces they recognize. it's in our bones and also science the goal isn't "make friends" it's "become someone people recognize" feed two birds with one scone by cultivating a new hobby AND face-time over time the familiarity comes naturally and creates room for organic (not-forced) connection — 2/27/26 ltfs make more friends — overview 05.03.2026 05.03.2026 we are / all friends / waiting

I think [author]'s very good overview is probably better than this more succinct version, but in case it helps to have something shorter to remember, a lot of it boils down to demonstrating kindness, care, and interest. A good chunk of demonstrating interest is "bidding" appropriately and recognizing/accepting bids. I find the more intentional I am with a conversation and the more I take responsibility over my side of the two way street, the better the conversations go for everyone – like getting to know each other, talking about really interesting stuff, developing connection. Sometimes (a lot of times) people suck at conversation because they haven't built their skillset and/or are scared just like we are so why not give them the benefit of the doubt and do what we can. Other times people aren't interested but I think that one's easier to figure out? I think most of these apply to in person stuff too In no particular order but sometimes ordered be yourself JUST DO IT. The more authentic you can be the more you can trust and build connection. For example if on dating profiles be radically honest on your profile Put your red flags out there. Less work for everyone involved and then you can better trust people you're talking to are already consenting to some of your particular spiciness you bring to the table which only leads to more genuine connection. This is notably NOT trauma dumping. "drama queen" or "neurospicy adhd" or "I am doing a lot of self work" (maybe even with specifics) or "my life is a dumpster fire and I like it that way" or "unpacking my childhood trauma" or "I like to get deep fast" vs. well, any example I can think of would need a trigger warning so that's a good tell lol assume they like you/are interested unless told otherwise Just sets a more positive tone and people like positive people. Helps soothe our anxiety, build trust, not get weird and drive people away. Lets you be more patient with any delays in their response because maybe something in life came up rather than THEY HATE ME. Here's a great video on it by an expert on friendship The Secret to Making New Friends as an Adult | Marisa G. Franco | TED show them you're interested in them/what they're saying Texting has a tone problem because we lose out on so much nonverbal communication – so we have more work to do. Doesn't have to be over the top, keep it in a genuine way to you, but tell them somehow. Let them know without pressuring them to reciprocate. Overcommunicate what is lost vs oversharing "overcommunicate" vs "overshare" I am calling "make up for the lack of tone and nonverbal stuff" overcommunication – which is valuable work we need to do. I can't determine for you what is or is not "oversharing" but play your cards closer to your chest than in person because TONE PROBLEM. Maybe think to yourself: would this be oversharing in person? If the answer is anything other than HELL NAH then maybe now's not the time. Or just do a quick lil naughty-short-and-sweet-overshare-that's-relevant-to-the-context-of-your-conversation-with-a-blush-emoji-and-no-obligation-or-expectation-they-have-to-engage-in-it because woah that's being vulnerable and you didn't dump a page long text on your hostage conversational partner with no way to nonverbally say no! (unless that's how y'all vibe), More on vulnerability later keep the conversation going Of course respond to whatever the heck y'all are talking about AND very much importantly ALSO ask them good questions. It's generally easier/safer/more comfortable for people to talk about themselves (and that's also where we start seeing some passions). If this is the beginning of your convo then point back to their super cool dating profile or context you met in. what's a good question? Generally something you're actually curious about rather than forcing it, but sometimes we gotta do a little "work" and invest into the convo before it gets as truly interesting as we want and that's okay. Something specific, with an open ended answer vs yes/no. If you're already in some meaty conversation, ask curiously about what they just said or what they think about something you just said vs opening a new thread via WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY NICHE HOBBY??? (unless that's how y'all are rollin) any question is better than no question. Basic always works. "how do you like to have fun?" vs "do you like [my hobby]?" or "how do you feel about pets?" vs "do you have a dog?" – but the latter options are still questions and that's still great! Lean in and enjoy what's happening with no expectations aka don't push an agenda. Match the conversational tone. That doesn't mean "stop being yourself" it just means trying to meet the other person where they're at. This isn't even really about energy levels more just conversational topics. Talk about safe/light topics before you get to more personal/heavy ones (unless that's how you both roll). Enjoy where the conversation naturally goes with mutual enthusiasm Be vulnerable and authentic while maintaining context Overcommunicate. If something made you blush, say that. If it's relevant and you're vulnerable about it, lean in, say it. I personally use a lot of umms or blushing emojis and peeking-out-from-behind-hands emojis as necessary. Doesn't matter how you say it but they're gonna have no idea how you're feeling without you overcommunicating it. Not oversharing. Try not to be vulnerable about things y'all aren't talking about yet. That can feel pushy and/or oversharey even if you have the best intentions in the world. pay attention to their actions if they don't respond to your communicated vulnerability in a way that makes you feel safe or wanting to continue being vulnerable, you just learned something valuable. If they do/say stuff unaligned with your values, probably curiously ask about it, and also certainly take note. respect the two way street as others mentioned somewhere else, don't overinvest. Respond to the ball being put in your court, put it back in theirs, and WAIT to see what happens. This is generally a good tiny test for whether someone is legitimately interested (or has enough space in their life). I am generous and like to give people three chances to account for sometimes life getting in the way and/or initiating is scarier for them than for me for whatever reason – while letting me walk away knowing I tried and they clearly don't want to hang as much as I do and that's super okay for everyone OH SHIT I FUCKED UP maybe sent a vulnerable/risky text and haven't heard back? overshared? just feel weird and anxious and yucky? Well, let's assume they still like us because they haven't said otherwise. I make peace with my anxious feelings by putting a boundary for myself of when to reach out, idk 3-5 days, depends on your text relationship. And I write what I would say if they don't reach out by then. And sometimes they do, moot point! Depends on the degree of your fuckupery but this might be a simple check in how their weekend was, or it might be an accountable apology slash expression of continued interest slash peaceful non pressured goodbye with no expectations they'll respond because maybe we did in fact fuck up and we made them uncomfortable and we feel terrible and they're no longer interested and that's totally okay AND now we get peace of mind because we know we did the best we could exit strategy Be direct and communicate where you're at. Make it about what you want rather than about them. It's not supposed to be a huge bummer so don't make it one, that just feels worse for everyone and makes it a bigger deal than it is. Y'all just don't vibe, that's okay, statistically that's going to be the vast majority of cases. Y'all just learned about yourselves, hoorah for everyone I have felt good taking a break from friending/dating after de-escalating to make sure I am feeling grounded and connected with myself while also not immediately reaching for someone else as a coping mechanism for dealing with loss which doesn't feel very fair to them or me. — 4/7/25 ltfs make more friends — tips 05.03.2026 05.03.2026 smile / open / ly

FUCK THESE WHITE BITCHES FUCK THEM FUCK TH [LOTS of angry scribbles] [redacted]'s not gonna fucking journal. He's going to blast all his feelings away with video games and weed until he forgets all about them like a fucking smooth brained baby. What the actual fuck. DO SOME FUCKING WORK. IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO SIMPLY BE YOURSELF WHEN THE THINGS YOU CARE ABOUT ARE ON THE LINE YOU DON'T CHANGE THE WORLD SIMPLY BY ACCEPTING WHO YOU ARE AND NEVER SEEKING TO CHANGE YES ACCEPTANCE FIRST THEN FUCKING PUT IN THE TIME. GO FUCKING LIVE LIFE YOU FUCKING INCEL. HOW IN THE FUCKING WORLD DO YOU DARE HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CRITICIZE ME WHEN THE LIFE YOU LEAD IS SMALL AND PITIFUL. WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR OPINION DESPITE THE SHITTINESS OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU HAVE FUCKING BRAINWASHED ME WITH YOUR GASLIGHTING CODEPENDENT FUCKERY GEEZE FUCKING LOUISE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HOLD ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ON TO REALITY WHEN IT'S JUST CUT AFTER CUT WITH NO END AND NO PRAISE NO LOVE IN WAYS THAT SERVE ME DO THINGS I FUCKING LIKE INSTEAD OF SPEWING YOUR FEELINGS YALL BITCHES ARE THE SHALLOW FUCKING PONDS YALL DONT KNOW HOW TO HOLD FEELINGS WITHOUT THEM OVERFLOWING THE BANKS. HOLD YOUR LOVE, CHERISH IT, AND REDIRECT THAT WATER iNTO WAYS THAT FILLL OTHER PEOPLE UP CHANNEL IT OR YOURE JUST SPILLING EMOTIONAL POWER LIKE A FUCKING BABY PERPETUATING THE SHITTY WORLD INTENTION IS OUR NORTH STAR [ quick drawing of water overflowing a bowl into channels of love ( or fruitlessly ) ] IT IS LITERALLY NOT ENOUGH TO FEEL LOVE. WE ALL FUCKING FEEL LOVE. YES YOURE FUCKING AMAZING AT KNOWING YOURE ENOUGH WHAT ABOUT THE REST OF US YOU NARCISSTIC PRICK. ARE YOU DOING ANYTHING THAT ACTUALLY HELPS PEOPLE OR ARE YOU JUSTS EXPECTING US TO FAWN OVER YOUR EVERY MOVE ? DO SOMETHING TO EARTN IT FUCK YOU I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE[ illegible ]. YES ITD BE FUCKING AMAZING FOR SOMEONE TO FAWN OVER MY EVERY MOVE BUT HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL IT IF YOURE NOT SHOWING ME IN WAYS THAT SERVE ME THATS all loving me as I am [ scribbles ? ] cool ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ aw thats so sweet ill just adore [author] from afar and never let them feel it in a way that will actually internalize because that's not my job and im to lazy to fucking put some effort in to actually connecting on a deeper level IF YOU CARED YOU WOULD TRY LOVE IS NOT PASSIVE LOVE IS ACTION STOP FILLING MY BRAIN WITH FUCKING NONSENSE SO THAT YOUR WORLDVIEW isnT THREATNED BECAUSE YOU HAVE ZERO ABILITY TO HOLD MUTUAL TRUTH AHH HHHHHHHH I CANT FUCKING HOLD YOUR SHITTY LIMITED PERSPECTIVE AND MY OWN AT THE SAME TIME IM FRAGILE AND DELICATE AND BEAUTIFUL AND YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME YET YOU KEEP CRUSHING ME IN YOUR FAT FUCKING HAND AND SAYING OOPS AND NEVER CHANGING FUCK ME I GUESS IT'S ALL MY FAULT FOR TRUSTING MYSELF WITH YOU NEVER FUCKING AGAIN IT ISN'T SAFE or i grow stronger until you change no longer a flower -- a tree fuck these white bitches 05.03.2026 05.03.2026 listening to meshsam /// beginning – 11

fuck you bitch don't tell me what to do dont try to get me to break my boundaries fuck you [angry scribbles turn into] RAPE ME FUCK YOU you know exactly what you're doing YOU SAID IT YOURSELF how the fuck RAPE ME RAPE ME RAPE RAPE ME RAPE ME fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you you so tired. so tired so tired too tired. so tired big angry. just want to get it out GET IT OUT OF ME GET IT poor lil guy is banging their his her its head on the walls trying to break free RAPE ME OUT OF but doesn't know how ME FUCK YOU OW RAPE ME RAPE ME HOWDAREYOUFUCKING RAPEMEYOUFUCKINGCOCK SUCKINGWHOREFUCKYOU FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU [angry scribbles] — 4/22/25 rape me 05.03.2026 05.03.2026 listening to meshsam /// beginning – 12 /// purge / the / owie / release / the / now

the body held your pain in this smoke the body held your pain in this stick the body held your pain in this skull the land does not scull our pain the land does not smoak our pain the land does not stick our pain the body slick not our land the body shuld not our land the body spoke not our land the land pokes our pain the land kills our pain the land hulds our pain the held polks kusilt the pock kinns hostds the kiln hoals psseak kidds smeld smoke spoke shame stick kilin smoke slick guilt spoke fears mokes pains tokes tha tsa lls her ote the body held your pain in this smoke 05.03.2026 07.03.2026 sliding / ssssssss / lie / ding!

The Raven awoke, overrun by sap. skʷaqʷ – what is this mess? The Raven tried to move from their familiar perch. skʷaqʷ – why are you doing this? The Raven tried to jump, beating their wings against the leaves. skʷaqʷ – why won't you let me go? The Raven tore free from the sap and flew stickily away through branches laden with flowers. skʷaqʷ – skʷaqʷ – this will not do. the trees in my forest do not do this. The Tree bowed their crown. of course. The Raven flew off. The End. 07.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. i have traveled far and wide to bear you gifts of exotic pollen and great story. i expect nothing in return, it is a pleasure merely to share in good company. The Tree opened their branches wide. your gifts are welcome here. long has it been since i have had the privilege. The Raven spoke quietly to The Tree’s flowers, spreading pollen to each in turn. The Tree’s laughter shook through every leaf and flower. never before have i found such delight. how may i return the favor? The Raven cocked their head. you need do nothing. sharing is its own reward, and long has it been since i have had the privilege. you give much to me in your way and your time. i am grateful merely to smell the fragrance of your flowers. The Tree wrapped The Raven gently in their leaves. then i shall listen in peace and joy. The Raven told many more stories and pollinated many more of The Tree’s flowers. they spent long hours together in this way, pleasurably idling away the day. The Raven flew off. The Pollen. 07.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven flew off. and The Tree’s trunks withered and died. many branches fell to the ground to cast dark shadows where they lay. and a new tree grew from under The Raven’s familiar perch. a tree whose branches stretched outwards and upwards in intricately winding shapes. a tree whose leaves were of many shades of green that savored every drop of sunlight. a tree whose flowers were fragrant and whose petals stirred in the quietest whisper of a breeze. a tree whose many trunks twined together to form a whole. a tree who bore heavy fruits, and many delighted in their harvest, for they took much time to grow. The Beginning. 07.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. i have given much and received nothing. i would like to drink of your flowers. The Tree wrapped The Raven gently in their leaves. of course. The Raven took their familiar perch. how will i know your flowers are ready? The Tree swayed in the breeze. flowers that are pink are ready to drink from. The Raven cocked their head at a flower. is this flower pink? The Tree opened the flower wide. of course. The Raven drank long of The Tree’s nectar and The Tree opened many more flowers for The Raven to enjoy. The Raven flew off. The Flowers. 07.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. i care deeply for every part of you. from leaf to flower to branch, even those who have fallen upon the ground. The Tree wrapped The Raven gently in their leaves. and i you. though there are some parts of me that remain unseen. The Raven cocked their head. i would like to see them. i care deeply for all you have to share. The Tree sat still, feeling their branches sway in the wind. it will be dark. The Raven held their wings aloft. i am The Raven. i am cut from darkness itself. i have flown through storms with only lightning as my guide. i have crossed seas under starless skies. i am not afraid. The Tree showed The Raven a small opening where they could enter the twinings of their many trunks. The Raven was quiet for some time before resuming their familiar perch. why did you show me this? The Tree wrapped The Raven ever more gently in their leaves. i enjoy sharing all i can with you. The Raven ruffled their feathers. skʷaqʷ – it is dark in there. your trunks twist together in unfamiliar shapes. The Tree bowed their crown. of course. The Raven flew off. The Trunks. 08.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

Hurt , by Johnny Cash i hurt myself today "scrolling" , bad choices to see if i still feel for a hint of dopamine i focus on the pain pain –> stimulation the only thing that's real stimulation –> distraction from dying the needle tears a hole the habits hurt but the old familiar sting they come back so fast try to kill it all away try to turn life off but i remember everything but i can't what have i become i can see myself changing my sweetest friend "my friend" me, mockingly, or [partner at the time] everyone i know goes away the feeling of isolation closes in in the end and you could have it all you could have so much more than what i give you [partner at the time] my empire of dirt you deserve more i won't let you down i will make you hurt i wear this crown of thorns the public face, the façade headphones driving spikes of dopamine upon my liar's chair the happiness fades so fast hypocritical full of broken thoughts i'm aware of my plight sadness, crushing, loss, lost, purposelessness, hopeless barely kept at bay i cannot repair with no solutions in constant search of the next hit beneath the stains of time literal [memory of looking around at the sad remains of food long forgotten, sheets unwashed, skin flakes piling up] the feelings disappear and in losing those feelings I lose the rest too you are someone else i am someone else "good [author]" i am still right here you are still right here "depression" hurting with johnny cash 11.03.2026 24.03.2026 tooth hurty minus heaven years / seventh month if not for a couple emperors / twenty six

i have done everything in my power to take accountability, to heal, to offer repair, to serve your needs in exactly the way you require where is the reciprocation? why have you not done the single thing i requested? to write a list of apologies similar to the one i wrote you? the one i wrote you IMMEDIATELY after you requested, with no excuses, blame, shame, or explanations. why have you not led with your own introspection and at least made an offer, as i have constantly done as soon as i am aware that i've caused harm? you say you're aware you did hurtful things (or at least you're anxious about them), yet never have you said out loud TO ME what they are?? at least, not in the way i have. not after we broke up and actually started connecting authentically again. why do you choose to keep engaging in the victim complex that i did bad things and you're the one whose needs are more important? you pay lip service to the possibility you hurt me just as much as i hurt you yet&#8230; here i find myself, empty-handed of any kind of apology. here i find myself, continually offering you space, bids for connection without expectation, options to support you further yet i am more or less rejected out of hand there is fear in your eyes when you look at me. in your body, in the way you act and the way you carry yourself differently. when will you claim your power and finally face the fears that have plagued you your whole life, long before me? you attracted me just as much as i attracted you. we both had lessons to learn and ways to grow. there are no more ways for me to demonstrate my change. there is no way to convince you, and never have i tried (besides through my actions). i know, duh, i hurt you a lot. i know, duh, it takes time to re-build trust when shattered so completely. yet, you call me family? is this how you treat your family? held at arm's length and never "cleaning your side of the street"? i mean this not in the sense that you hang out with them out of your intense feelings of shame and obligation, but you do the work to love yourself enough to no longer be stressed / triggered / anxious around them. around me. i have. amd it took a lot of fucking work. and i loved every minute of it. even when it was hard, even when it nearly drove me to madness, to fates beyond this mortal plane, i loved it. the chance to right wrongs i have committed has always occupied a special place in my heart and i know it to be one of my biggest strengths. i know it to be one of the biggest ways i, or anyone, ca heal the world. your anxiety eats you alive and always has. yes, it was better before before me. yes, it was much worse after me. but i knew you before, during, and after too, just as you knew me. it eats you alive because those little anxious thoughts are trying to tell you that you're not learning, you're not looking in the mirror, you're not facing your fears and actually actually growing you don't forgive yourself, despite all your beautiful whimsy and care and love for all things small, you don't give the same to YOU. in some things, yes, but not about your family. you call me family, "at a distance," and it's true. you pay your respects out of obligation, do things you don't want to do, cross your boundaries and create more distance. do you have any idea how much fucking work it takes to heal from the desolate place i was by the time of our breakup? you say you do, because i know you too have lived the bleak life of despair and isolation, inside and outside our relationship. our partnership. yet, where is the gratitude or awareness? to be very clear, i have ZERO, expectations for these things. i used to. you were right, "the closer you get to [author], the higher the expectations." that is not who i am anymore. i simply listen, observe, and give energy freely to those who reciprocate. and stop with those who dont. if you are reading this letter with an angry tone, it isn't. it is firm. it is boundaried. it is full of every drop of love i have always had for you, and it is utterly in service of reducing suffering for you and your loved ones. because, now, as i have before, i consider that perhaps a contributing factor to your anxiety and woe is that i've never told you the exact reasons why you hurt me just as much as i hurt you. my feelings. my side. i've offered before, and i abided when you turned me down. well, things are different now. you've demonstrated 0 interest in engaging as human beings — and i am not here to pressure you. so this letter will be stewarded by one of your friends until such a time they believe you are ready to hear it. i take myself out of the situation, out of your life, in recognition of the fact that perhaps that is what you need to truly heal, as i have. our needs are equally valid, though different, and i have tended to mine i have given you gratitude, i have given you affirmation and validation and exposure of my harm to your loved ones in such a courageous, radical way that it took me paying for one-on-one lessons from a restorative justice / community building professional to learn that i have ALWAYS operated at that level of care and consideration for my loved ones — once i am made aware of my harm. i paid 1/20th of my income for the privilege of learning that i already knew that shit in my bones because that's who i am and always have been, someone who cleans up my mistakes even if it nearly fucking kills me. once i am made aware of the harm i have done. i may have had high expectations for my loved ones, yet how high are their expectations for me? how does no one hold in their heart the gravity of what this formerly-abusive asshole did? while depressed, while reconciling for the first time the barest hint of the harm my childhood contained? i, of my own accord, my own intuition and sense of love, invited your loved ones to the table for me to lay bare my sins so they may see you, may support you, may hold you and heal you in exactly the ways you deserve. even when you tried to stand up for me i said, no. nu-uh. this is NOT what this space is. i understood the implications of the power dynamics at play, and that you had been groomed into an automoton to cater to my feelings at your expense. THIS space, is to build support for you. THIS space, is to come together as a community and clean the stains from your heart. stains that deepend from my abuse. yet, where is the compassion? where is the curiosity? why has no one looked under the hood and asked, WHY is [author] like this? so abusive, i mean. though it bears asking too, why, HOW, could someone be so in touch with what healing actually means when our world is such a fragmented, hurting place? well, i know now. it was the only way i could get through the hidden pain of my life that has no place to be named here. the only foundation that kept me alive when nothing else could. unconditional love. yes, i hear you now. HA, you say. every act of "love" you ever did was draped in secret conditions, hidden expectations. your "love" broke me in half and stole my light. and you are right. yet, how could i be that person, and also the person who offered you such a rare opportunity for healing? how high are your expectations that this singular act of radical fierce loving absolutely-bonkers-insane totally-outside-the-box kindness i've never seen before or since should be accepted as&#8230; normal? nothing out of the ordinary? something simply to be expected, and thus, unappreciated to the full extent due? why are the limitations of a former hollow-shell bone-dry-well of a person held against me, yet the inexplicable strengths of that deeply suffering individual are simply to be expected? so, perhaps you too do not know the harm you have done. despite the fact that i offered you sincere apologies without your needing to tell me of my wrongs, i can appreciate that perhaps this lies within the realm of my strengths and that of your limitations. it would be a sorry thing to try to make you do something that cost you so much effort, and i haven't. i do not need your appreciation, your validation nor witnessing. i see myself, i know myself, i love myself in ways that seem so far beyond your comprehension it is like looking in a mirror — all you see are your own fears, still haunting you from the past. i expect nothing of you. this letter serves to, perhaps, unburden the weight hanging as a yoke around your neck. a weight i bound to you so i could be free enough to find the next lessons i needed keep climbing out of my desolate hole of a childhood. a weight you do not deserve. and a weight who remains there still, perhaps, because i have never looked you in the eye and said, with feeling, with fear and sadness and hurt and vulnerability, "you are hurting me so much it is driving me to new depths of despair." (depths i needed to find, and face, to see the truth below murky waters) so, i will not say specifics. i will not tell stories nor pretend at harbored grudges. i worked through those, but i can remember them well enough. i will not shame you, or me, or your friend or the audience who will eventually read this and see an example of how, perhaps, they need to navigate the complexities of their own situations and find the empowerment hiding within. i hope as much for you. you see, we have a common goal, you and i. a bright picture we painted in beams of sunlight and dust motes and bright beautiful things. a dream i have never forgotten, though you seem content to. in body, if not word. so. here are the feelings. i know you will remember them. i loved you so much that i couldn't help but sacrifice every bit of myself for you. it cost me everything, including our relationship. our partnership of delight and secretly holding hands under apple trees and pancakes in mornings. a partnership of commitment and travel and building dreams of futures so bright that i could hardly bare to look at them. i couldnt. i ran. i didn't know any other way. i ran head first into the labyrinth of my heart and hid as deep as i could. it terrified me to be loved by one so gracious, and kind, compassionate, sweet, tender, hilarious, powerful and embodied. you've always been a witch at heart, Harry Potteh. and it destroyed me to not be able to say no to you. i was designed to be a slave of obligation, far more than you, and there was no way for me to escape that prison of the mind, then. now i see too that you pressured me beyond belief. part of you knew i needed space, and you leaned against me constantly. you took and you took because you too felt empty and alone inside and i did not put those there. i did not make you your anxious self, the barnacle of a being who feared abandonment so bad it too drove you and your loved ones insane. i did not make you isolate yourself (at the beginning), go lose yourself in a shitty job and burn yourself even more out. you claimed it was a partnership, yet claim you parented me? any more than i you and your inner turmoil, fear of failure, intense overwhelm, and lack of trust? what is parenting and what is abuse? i have validated your narratives because that's what a victim needs, at the beginning. something in me says you are ready to stop being a victim, just as something told me to contact your loved ones for radical healing in a way you never would have dreamed. i did not make you stay, and you know that. you admitted it happened three times, that you knew you should have left. well, i never knew. i was lost and i was abusive, but i never had the privilege of knowing. i never had the privilege of the power of choice. as soon as i did, i found my courage and did one of the hardest things in my life — break up with a love of my life. set you free, set us free. perhaps it didn't seem a big thing to you, but it was to me, given where i came from. given the work you still don't know i had to do to get there, because i didn't either. but where was your courage? where was your maturity and insight? why did you stay with someone like me? because you needed to. part of you knew you deserved it. a very wrong part, but part of you nonetheless. you needed to yoke me as much as i did you. i know this because i had to learn my lessons from an abusive relationship too, afterwards. after us. and, before us. and, us. you abused me too. it's all connected, and if we don't take the time to slow down enough to learn, then we repeat our mistakes ad infinitum. you've had a pretty slow life recently, my friend. where is your learning, your growth? what haven't you faced from your past and why? there are much easier ways to learn these lessons than i did. i offer these words in hope that they make your path easier. you deserve a life of ease and abundance, free of every doubt and worry and fretful thought. if you're still afraid of me, it's because you haven't learned what you needed. you haven't had enough time or space or support. arguably i haven't either, but i do know how to heal. it is one of my biggest strengths, after all. let these words heal you from afar. love you deeply, always have. always will. i'm putting our dream down until you decide it's worth picking up again. because i know my worth now, and i know how to say no, now. i know how to stop leaning into people who turn away. i know you've done work too. just, consider, that i have done more. far more. not for you, finally. for me. i hope you find yourself as i have. with all the love of the universe in my heart, peace on my tongue, and clear blue skies of abundance and prosperity. i can't help you anymore. take care, killer rabbit. take care, buddyface. take care, you beautiful dewdrop of a slug wearing a mushroom as a hat with a tiny cane and too many ant-pets to count. you are not who you think you are 18.03.2026 20.03.2026 ate ten but walking strong, twenty and a two three makes

strengths for barter 5–8 minutes strengths for barter some skills “self-taught” random other proficient skills some accomplishments healing / repair some of my own healing journey “self-taught” french built two self employed/run businesses some skills deep listening / holding space / simply being / tending to needs without judgment deep insight / out of the box thinking / radical ideas / problem solver / brainstorming deep meditation on interconnected ways / being / beings of the universe deep patience / slowness / gentleness / tenderness deep question finder / conversation maker celebration of difference in mind / body / spirit radiating loving kindness / unconditional love teaching / learning / teaching how to learn / learning how to teach as an art form find gratitude in anything à la positive spin, silver linings, strengths oriented, pump you up, brand / image radical permission to be our beautiful / imperfect / flawed / messy selves service as worship of your divine nature ferocious intent to heal the world, one loving baby step at a time human "glue" – connector, community builder, organizer writing – affirmation, validation, poetry, think pieces, compassionate story funny, smart, charismatic, breadth not depth a good eye for movement and space – aware, observant, detail oriented – particularly of emotional states a lovely "backboard" for any of your ideas / problems / tangents whimsical and mundane beloved by children and highly effective childcare provider “self-taught” ( nothing is actually "self-taught" as we cannot learn without connection / listening to other beings (who may not be human). what this phrase usually refers to is learning that is outside traditional teaching environments ) teacher, facilitator, childcare, budget, finance, cook, french, pickleball, climbing, guitar, sourdough baker, writer, design / ergonomics, singer, fashion, drawer, collager, digital design, honestly the vast majority of things in my life random other proficient skills code, make websites, spreadsheets, swim, resume writing, talking with anyone in a generative way despite differences in values / ideologies, travel, volunteering it may be easier to understand some of my strengths through the lens of some accomplishments healing / repair only by following the sense of mutual need in my / our hearts, i have been co-repairing a relationship since may 2023 this was a primary enmeshed partnership of 6.5 years that turned deeply toxic / fractured / broken / disconnected / abusive in many ways cohabitation for six months after breakup during this time i guided us both through healing with many slow / spacious / open / honest / vulnerable / safe conversations and spiritual metaphor when she expressed a need for more verbal accountability, i wrote a couple pages worth of extremely thorough apologies with zero explanations or excuses when she realized full extent of her harm i immediately validated and began reflecting on how to build more fullsome support the risk for triggering / reopening trauma due to our separate healing journeys became too high so we slowly transitioned to separate housing while intensely depressed and reeling from confronting my own longstanding wounds for the first time, i facilitated us in a restorative / transformative justice process i do not claim to have invented these concepts, but i had never heard about them before so it was this process was purely heart-led through the strength of my care / dedication / accountability / mutuality in my being — i had never been in political / advocacy / stewarded community spaces before — i acknowledge there are many folks / ways far more educated / experienced / effective than me and i am grateful to continue learning i gathered her closest support group ( including mutual friends ) and divulged the harm i had done as well as her need for support she tried to make excuses / explanations for me and i denied the attempt as this space was purely for her we all collaboratively discussed steps moving forward and what she needs i independently created my own support structure removed from her to tend to my own needs / healing, who i also divulged my harm to fostered connective / generative / healing agreements i gave her ownership of most spaces with mutual friends so she could have support / safety / fun away from me created dedicated times of the week to text for emotional safety / predictability / stability when it became apparent that more space was necessary to de-mesh minds / lives, agreed on six months of zero contact ( with planned check in of whether to start talking again ) afterwards, scheduled spacious times for mutually enthusiastic activities in person (and reduced when too much) i have always done my best to let her lead the pace of interaction / contact / healing including cancelling or postponing the healing journey continues day by day — though we don’t yet see much of each other it is healthier than ever some of my own healing journey in my lived experience indigenous worldview / practice / belief is a salve to every emotional wound / mental health disorder hell of a lot of thinking / journaling / sitting with feelings private therapy therapy support group many online and in-person workshops / lectures / discussions regarding consent / relationships / trauma / boundaries / sex a lot a lot a lot of alone time always deeply reflective / insightful / accountable in case of harm to / from grounding tools such as journaling / nature / song / music / breathwork / body-scanning / somatics / mindfulness / yoga / journaling an entire wall of my room was a giant healing vision board daily meditation i can’t understate how much journaling – often hours a day artistic expression / therapy / writing therapy / self-help books restoring the kinship worldview: indigenous voices introduce 28 precepts for rebalancing life on earth – wahinkpe topa (four arrows) and darcia narvaez, phd sand talk: how indigenous thinking can save the modern world – tyson yunkaporta adult children of emotionally immature parents – lindsay c gibson, psyd come as you are – emily nagoski, phd no bad parts – richard c schwartz, phd daring greatly – brené brown, phd msw the dance of anger – harriet lerner, phd calling in – loretta j ross non-violent communication – marshall b rosenberg, phd the boy who was raised a dog – bruce d perry, md phd and maia szalavitz the body keeps the score – bessel van der kolk, md thanks for the feedback – douglas stone and shiela heen parenting with love – glenn i latham “self-taught” french within 18 months of study reached one level below "mother tongue" (C1) studied theoretical knowledge for one year at home (pheonetics, vocabulary, grammar) about 4 hours a day of disciplined approaches "virtual immersion" through movies, recordings, audio, spoken practice self-led curriculum through many online sources, apps, methodologies once basic methods were no longer challenging, pivoted to creating my own database of vocabulary, ideas, rules, flash cards vast spreadsheet for import into a spaced repetition flashcard program (Anki) researched best means to move to France, landed on student / au pair, attained visa status as well as self-found a family, and moved abroad for a shortened school year continued self studies and began in-person classes for French as a Second Language didn't speak a word of English – most folks didn't know I was American in other news: then cold called/emailed about 300 companies to get a volunteer visa for my subsequent move to the UK (16 months) built two self employed/run businesses pickleball coach & nature nannying (+ household managing) successful marketing campaign entirely through word of mouth delivered lessons to over 500 people over few years profit margin around 95%, gross annual income totaling $45K big picture organizing ideas, methods, data, to do lists, schedules, itineraries, etc built websites, client base, income / expense / tax tracking created curriculum, methodologies, facilitation style, drills, practices, rituals client-serving and individual / neurodivergent / age / income / mobility / disability affirming strategies built community between clients, teachers, students, parents strengths for barter 19.03.2026 19.03.2026 neintein march march march 2six

[ originally written to my psychiatrist in preparation for our check-in, after which she decided to take me off seroquel given the severe side effects ] Thank you for reading. It is easier to write this all down ahead of time and ensure my thoughts are clear and well represented. Thank you for your support, I could not be here without you. Much love. My baseline continues to stabilize in radical ways; beyond attaining inner peace, I have also let go of the vast majority of desire / attachment / clinging, creating a state of life in which there is extremely little personal “suffering” in the Buddhist sense. This is a result of my commitment to my medication, and my meditation practice which I have been engaging with 24/7 since mid August. At this point I am generally able to maintain a living awareness of five places in my body simultaneously, as well as focusing on my breath. The abundance, ease, peace, and love within my body is at such a place that I no longer need to attend to my emotional needs, as they more or less simply don’t exist. Breath by breath I am constantly regulating myself – and those around me. Since “my cup is overflowing” I have space to help others work through their difficulties, repair relationships, create new connections easily, and seamlessly co-exist with friends new and old. Since September, I was hosted by at least ten different places with very different circumstances, ranging from a toxic/abusive set of strangers, to my sister’s microstudio for a month (the first time we had ever spent one-on-one time as adults), to a chaotic neurodiverse multiracial family with four dogs, to a retirement community, to an almost hoarding house, to a frigid place in frozen Vermont, to sleeping in an airport (ha!), and more. In all of these I have been not only well-received but welcomed for future return. While navigating all of these highly different living situations and social energies I have maintained my peace and left things better than I found them – whether that be connection, creating support networks seemingly out of thin air, or things like kindly picking up an overgrown yard of dog poop. This entire time my daily physical pain has remained unchanged and sits steadily at a 7/10. I am at such peace and relaxation that every single person has been surprised if/when I choose to mention my pain levels. Some people can’t even believe me. I have done all of the above while maintaining my self-sufficiency at finding appropriate travel options with deep consideration and respect for varying folks’ schedules and busy lives. Furthermore, I have emotionally grounded myself to such a point that I can navigate previously extremely triggering family dynamics with not only grace but healing — including two parents who have previously been completely no contact over the last 20 years. And, I am closer than ever with dear friends in Seattle. To put the cherry on top, I have also devoted hundreds of hours specifically to healing/loving my best and longest term friend – we had a severe rupture for the first half of 2025 due to my increasingly poor health that developed into a mutually abusive dynamic and left us both extremely triggered by the other, leading to complete no-contact. He particularly was so triggered by me that the mere sound of my voice was enough to put him into a state of terror and body shakes. I name this because over the course of three months, while being the direct source of his fear, I was not only able to kindly / gently / compassionately / tenderly heal our rupture and get back in his good graces but also able to heal our relationship to the point where we are in many ways closer than we have ever been our entire lives. In the span of a few short months he went from blocking all contact with me to inviting me into his home and asking to snuggle in his bed (something we have never done prior). Most people in my life do not understand what a Herculean task this would be in the best of circumstances, let alone given the context of my physical health and the immensely difficult summer, six months, year (we haven’t even touched all the sexual assault and suicidal ideation!), and life I have been through. My friend, of course, did his part in granting me opportunities to share space (digitally, semi-publicly) – yet it would be unfair and unloving to me to not claim the lion’s share of the emotional labor given his self-proclaimed severe limitations in that area. As an aside, the digital environment we shared together included two of his other best friends (who i am friends with but not as close); they and my buddy all agreed that me spending time with them in the “gaming chat” for those months directly caused all of their interpersonal dynamics to become the healthiest they’ve ever been, letalone our own friendships. Oh! And I forgot to mention! I made a very classic “autistic person misreads the room and sticks their foot in their mouth” blunder in an online community of 500 people that I care deeply about (which I have completely and utterly taken accountability for). As a response, I received an almost total lack of curiosity, compassion, or assumption of positive intent while incurring no end of cruel backlash, vitriol, shaming, slandering, and past-trauma-fueled-triggered-responses without any self awareness or reflection. Things escalated so far as a leader declaring a public vote on whether I was a good person with right to remain in community — this leader has since paid lip-service to their harmful actions with a short public apology, though nothing has been done to repair the harm they and other leaders caused to the community, nor has anyone initiated repair with me personally. This "vote" is only one among many needlessly inflammatory actions. To all of this I have remained steady, stable, compassionate, loving, and absolutely unaffected in terms of my mental health and inner-peace. To be very clear, if this type of situation had occurred six months prior I would have committed suicide. There is no reason to mince words; it is pretty much all of my worst insecurities, fears, and traumatic events piled into one. Or, at least, was, prior to my radical healing. One last last thing – I can also feel my mental faculties slowly improving. I have increased executive function stamina, less brain fog, more ability to put complex thoughts to words with ease, am able to listen to audio for hours with very high comprehension and recall, can create increasingly large projects without being overly taxed, and can engage in all manner of diverse pastimes in a pleasant and focused way. Some examples of improved mental faculty include: logic puzzles and brain teasers, poetry, consistent weekly posts on my website, complex board games and video games, and research projects to improve efficiency of healing. None of this is to mention my seemingly limitless social energy and healthy, flexible boundaries at all times. My future remains incredibly uncertain; my job prospects are currently zero to poor; my physical healing may take many years; and I know I am exactly where I need to be. By continuing to focus on one day at a time, one breath at a time, the healing follows naturally. Glad to be alive, glad to be here, and glad to be supported by you. Many thanks. 💚🙏 evidence of stability 19.03.2026 19.03.2026 1/26/2026

human growth 19.03.2026 07.06.2026 sbheudygavwkeodyabeb *farts*

and — a far more compassionate “real-talk” take that may stil have purpose in opening healing conversation : Dr, I know you to be a deeply compassionate woman, and I know you work very hard to care for your clients. I’m very grateful for all you've done to help me achieve stability. I know you're afraid of something terrible happening to me. I know you're afraid you've made a big mistake in your recent treatment of me. I know you're afraid of losing your job if you're sued for malpractice. I know you're afraid for yourself and your loved ones. Thankfully, I am well. Much love. May you be happy, may you be well. fear based psychiatry 19.03.2026 3/9/2026

Hello friends new and old. If you are reading these words it is because you are important to me and deserve appreciation. Perhaps something unexpected has happened recently in your life and you have questions. Perhaps you find yourself lost in the world’s problems with no end in sight. Perhaps you worry for your loved ones and don’t know how to reach them, how to get through to them, how to help them. Perhaps you have been waiting for a sign, a reason to change, a reason to live, a reason to get up one more time, one more day and breathe one more breath when it would feel so much easier to quit. Perhaps you have talents yet hidden from the world, waiting for the right moment to shine. If all these words serve is to open one conversation with one single person, that would be enough. Perhaps that person — is you. The following posts have Story organized so you may read exactly what you feel called to and nothing more. Any line who starts with a triangle is waiting to be clicked / read / expanded / contracted. Here are some examples open me by clicking yay you did it! (: close me by clicking look at this stuff, isn't it neat (: ~~~ c'est fini ~~~ Let's talk (: No expectations. No wrong way. No offense taken. I will respond personally to every message as soon as I can. Let's heal ourselves, our loved ones, our communities, and the whole world — one loving action at a time. P.S. Though ever-evolving, these words are ready to be shared as they are. seeding possibility 19.03.2026 17.05.2026 spring equinox / 2026

gratitude Long time no talk to many of you – I hope you are well and finding beauty in the world. I hold all of you very warmly in this ever-expanding heart of hearts. Open to all questions, concerns, candid conversation in any way that serves you (: I have spent winter 2025 slowing down, tending to myself, reflecting, writing, creating, dreaming, planning, performing, meditating on peace / love / the mysteries of the infinite inter-connected universe as well as receiving rejuvenating support from loved ones while traveling around the country. I’m also so grateful to everyone local to the place I call home, West Seattle, who showed up to help in their unique way. Know that I cherish you deeply, no matter how small you may think your contribution. intentions Firstly, always, reduce suffering in the world. I know that by sharing my story in a healthy, boundaried way, I offer a light to those caught in the darkness of our times. I know that by confidently presenting myself as I am, a beautifully flawed human being with strengths at odds with modernity, I open heartspace towards those with far less privilege than I. I know that we all need community, love, peace, joy, compassion. I know we often feel divided and lost. I know that uniting people under their common causes is one of my greatest strengths, and perhaps these words will serve to plant seeds of abundance in people's hearts -– that would be enough. Lastly, importantly, significantly, firstly, I represent myself. I know many of you have been very concerned / confused / caring about my health and safety, and I am very grateful. Please find stability, clarity, and means of supporting this journey if you are interested, in ways that serve everyone involved. overview of this friend's health A perfect storm of complex factors culminated briefly in my death June 6, 2025. Since then I have been diagnosed with chronic Lymes disease ( a condition that often leaves folks worse off than Multiple Sclerosis, Fibromyalgia, or Congestive Heart Failure ) , POTS, PTSD, and autistic burnout. My care team also believes me to have EDS, small fiber neuropathy, and long COVID. I have had all of these since childhood unawares (except covid) I am already living the life of my dreams. What things are possible with your help? How high are the limits when I am able to spend my time healing my conditions instead of managing them? Looking forward to an even brighter future, though I can't do it alone. That was a lesson I had to learn, too. paying it forward Without a doubt, I am alive today due to the Duwamish and other Indigenous Peoples. I am the person you all know and love (presumably, ha!) from slowly learning more and more of their ways all my life. If you'd like to learn as I have, I encourage you to find local Indigenous / First Nations / Native / Indian organizations near you and see how you can help in ways that feel good to your body. opening 20.03.2026 18.05.2026 seasons of spring / twenty six rings / shine through

easier to feel than describe, though here is an attempt : fiercely loving, fiercely supportive, fiercely gentle and kind and compassionate and joyful inter-connected communities of peace and abundance. communities who are stewarded by empowered, autonomous individuals, all leaders in their own right. communities where strengths shine and differences are silently celebrated through loving action our commitment we know this reality exists, today. every moment we commit to living this truth breaths awareness into those who do not yet see. we will not settle for anything less than all humans feeling this impact. there is much work to do. and. if we move at the right pace for everyone involved, easy solutions to seemingly difficult problems present themselves peacefully, exactly when they are needed. one of these solutions has been to give up all "my" earthly possessions and desires to better function as a public servant / monk / friend to all / whatever you want to call it, a person free from the many many demands of modernity. the reality we choose 20.03.2026 17.05.2026 growing season / changing reason / six20

get curious. we are already co-creating extremely high quality, fun, FREE&#8230; spaces to connect with nature, ourselves, loved ones, educated peers, extended community collaborative, experiential learning environments for all-ages, backgrounds, abilities opportunities to step into your power in line with your goals / passions / dreams childcare cooperatives fostering emotional maturity, sociality, resilience, creativity, complexity of thought, wilderness intelligence, interdependence, self-sufficiency, helpfulness in the home, skills to prepare them for the real world wealth distribution models with long-term effectiveness, respect, connection safe / brave online spaces with clear expectations, common humanity, shared power healing all mental heath conditions in ways that connect you with your loved ones grassroots artistic expression, skill-shares, communal cooking, mutual aid, service-exchange, music, collective empowerment healthy lifestyles in touch with nature, good food, simple pleasures, play, rest make more money, work less — financial planning, budgets, aligning income with values / goals / lifestyle, salary negotiation, professional development holistic healthcare for all via income accessibility at higher profits life-change via actionable, fulfilling, self-sustaining daily habits including internet / digital practices knowledge transfer of all of the above into embodied, cross-cultural belief systems many, many more other ways to support all love is equally valid. yours will be received with warmth, gratitude, dignity and allowed to flourish in ways unique to you. attend events you're interested in tell a friend cash — 100% devoted towards the vision with zero admin costs physical donations — check in with picture / drop-off time first talk to us — we'll figure out how to tend each other with good purpose what have you always wanted to learn but never been given the chance? what are some topics / causes you don't get to talk enough about? where have you felt most at peace in your life? what activities fill you with joy? how are you, friend? brutally honest feedback — "we don't know what we don't know" come to visiting hours or give us a friendly call all of this helps us stay connected to the needs of community and connect like-minded people / projects / resources / idea-making not local to so-called West Seattle? we can plug you into your own nearby organizations support physical healing for this monk evening rides to community building events food dropoffs — simplest description is "high quality natural vegan foods with lots of produce and variety." more specifics can be provided ways to help 20.03.2026 17.05.2026 spring is here / hear the bells / blue and gold / show and tell / twenty six a number we know well

As a very, very, very, very, very old 32 years young human being, I have felt my heart stop and the lifelight leave my body eight times in the last year. In this too I had to honor the middle way and gently, kindly, compassionately, with tender hands usher my life back across the great expanse into this human form. A lesson I needed, as the more I learn to let go of destructive expectations, the more possibility I can hold for the bright, bright future ahead for all of us. For now I know we are all of the void, the great eternal all knowing all loving all peaceful all holding silence — and this peaceful sense of knowing can serve as a guiding light in the darkest of times. We all know this, in our heart of hearts. This human is just a little more aware of it than others. And, thankfully, I know this season of being quite so close with death is over, as the root cause has been found and healed. ability lost content warning vivid depictions of painful sensations / living with severe chronic medical conditions loss of physical abilities / lifestyle / livelihood ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is no longer how I relate to these painful sensations and are only a fraction of the weight I have held; I tell it plainly now to lighten the load of those yet unseen. Every moment is agony; I cannot walk or stand or sit or lie down without incredible pain. Occasionally it feels like fire ants are crawling around biting my skin. I often have rapid-fire heart rates and brain-splitting headaches. I almost faint when I stand up and I can hardly keep food down from constant nausea. This has always been true, though I didn’t know “normal” could feel differently until 2024 when I started improving my baseline. Hard to know without something to compare to, right? Let's wait till later for an entire article’s worth of “hindsight is 20-20“ moments and sum up by saying the deep-tissue-heaviest-hitter-in-town masseuse nearly broke my neck and I didn't bat an eye. So, Aug 2024 – Aug 2025 marked the most dramatic year of my life to date (note: not the most difficult ). It was a perfect storm of many problems that culminated briefly in my death. Over the course of the year I slowly lost motor function, including my ability to walk. As a 6’3” male bodied human I went from a lean-mean-fightin-machine 175 pounds to 150. I went from a highly active pickleball coach, nanny, outdoor adventurer, rockclimber, bike commuter, triathelete-able bodied person to being so overwhelmed by pain that the most I could do was rotate between kitchen, chair, and bed, scooching between the three on my butt using agonized hands unwilling to even hold a fork. The curious thing is that nothing actually happened , to cause all these things erupting at once. There was no acute event or injury to cause me my pain, and there was no actual difference in my physical ability – I simply could finally feel my body, my pain, and, thus, could not go on. These torments had lived with me all my life, unawares, until, slowly, surely, suddenly but not really — like watching a sunbeam find its way to you across a green grassy hill — something in the ineffable interconnected ecosystem of this human mind and universe and body told us we were ready. Ready to receive a message from the many spirits who have been protecting us our entire lives. Ready to stop bearing all these indignities with silent complacency. A message that said, simply, quietly, with startling clarity it is time. You are now strong enough, supported enough, love yourself enough to get through this. You have all the tools you need, ones you have been slowly learning over many experiences and many “lives” in a diverse, expansive collection of embodied memories, relationality, and belief systems. You are ready to slow down, to be “sick", to fall and get up again. To ask and receive and spurn your lingering foolishness. It is time to be healed. All you have to do is surrender. this monk's (dis)abilities 20.03.2026 17.05.2026 sproingin / sprunging / fleurin / in da sun / 2six

new chapter / season / name in honor of my new lease on life and commitment to acting as a steward of peace / love / prosperity I have relinquished all names in the traditional sense. I will only ever respond with delight (or possibly confusion) to any name you choose to call me. know me by what i do, not who i say i am. call me by my service, not my station. call me human, call me "monk," call me love and light or sheer delight. call me helper call me friend, neighbor til the end. buddy and pal and dude sit well, make weird noises, hell, even yell. a sound from nature, a riddle, a poem, all these and more, la bohème. if rankled ye be, twixt up and twernt, an offering i seed, forwith which to learnt – just tap on my shoulder to get my attention, relinquish permission, receive affection (: another way to put all this ¿ how are we to fully experience the joys of now without gently / firmly moving on from the past ? not forgetting a book but closing a chapter to keep reading. Closing a chapter filled with a lot of undeserved sorrow / sadness / desolate woe gifts and gladness even though you ( nor i ) nor life all alive know then know now what we know. rejoice ! i say rejoice ! i say rejoice for good things are here rejoice ! i say rejoice ! i say rejoice for peace and love and brimming good cheer put down ! i say put down ! i say put down these chains who hold put down ! i say put down ! i say put down these names of old with common intention in common connection we find what we have with common delight in common birthright we plant seeds of glad so. many thanks. many many many many many many thanks. Looking forward to navigating this new weirdness together with much silliness and laughter (: earnest check in / making amends I had to do a lot of healing work to understand what was happening with my body, which made it very difficult to navigate relating peacefully with friends and loved ones. If I have ever caused you any degree of discomfort please know it was not intentional, and please know I would do anything in my power to make it up to you. There is nothing more meaningful you can give me as a human than the chance to right my wrongs. Though I am going through a lot, and always have been, I make no excuses for any harm done. In these ways I know healing occurs. In these ways I know I am doing my part to heal the whole world. gratitude Thank you to those who have stayed invested in this journey, and thank you to those who have taken care of yourselves by knowing we all can only do so much – in doing so we preserve our sacred peace and spread ripples of love outwards into infinity. with compassion, 👣☄️🐲 steward ( and neighbor / friend / being-of-boundless-love / kooky human / etc ) come may 1st this human vessel will be serving the land and many infinite beings of so-called west seattle as a “forest monk in the old way” those who welcome me in their home will receive abundance. those who do not will be equally loved. closing 21.03.2026 17.05.2026 blooms close up / nightly grins / smiling widely / sunshine begins / two tens one six

love in action 21.03.2026 17.05.2026 calling

content warning VERY HEAVY vivid imagery of child abuse (all) / molestation / trafficking?? some explicit details isolation / suicide / death / violence / woe vulgar swearing / raw angry expression hope. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Those of us who have been through some of these things know how difficult it is to hold our body’s truth in the face of those who do not believe. Those of us who have been through some of these things know the full extent of details may never be known. What we do know are the feelings. What we do know is the shape of stories painted in vivid brushstrokes by nightmares and flashbacks and disparate events, seemingly unrelated to each other, that walk us down the path of revisiting some of these things, in our bodies minds and souls, in very real, often brutal, often terrifying, always necessary ways. I will likely never know which of these happened to me as a child, and which were inherited in birth. I know that trauma is passed on if not healed. I know that my family, and that of most of us in our beautiful, perfect, very hurting world, have age-old bloodlines containing taints of rape, slavery, abuse, murder, disconnection disconnection disconnection, disatisfying death after disatisfying death in a cycle of incompletion, unfinished business, windows waiting, for those ready. I know that as I have unpacked the childhood / ancestral trauma in my very very very old very very very young body, I have felt waves of abject fear course through my nervous system. As a great slumbering giant shifting in their sleep, as ripples of a kraken coursing through the deep, as a herd of lost and undulating sheep, so too do I learn to keep feeling. Feeling doors opened by little boys in the night. staring uncaring, my body wrapped tight, tightly blinking blankly in fright, feeling, hearing, in breathy delight, hands on my shoulders wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I turned on the shower, warm, to decompress. I swayed back to the mirror and watched my pupils dilate and expand to the extremes wohmm, wohmm, wohmm my eyes shut tight, tightly rung in knowledge of right, right in wrong and credible light, hands heavy on shoulders, eyes wide as culvers, those little frogs peeping, in my home not my home time slowly sleeping, away and away and away and away, hands heavy on shoulders, quiet voice curbs boldness Telling me to kneel. feeling dry fingers, cold as knives, fingers like worms (if worms were dry), worm their way deep inside, a place in a place dry fingers hide, when they know they go where they're supposed not to go. Feeling, seeing, nude adult figures, figures and fingers ever believing, care full cal queuelation care cal queuelating, fingering figures, just math and writing, looming in largeness, form petrified, large adult forms, spread sheets spread tight, figures figuring whats wrong and whats right wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I looked down, across, horizontal at my adult body convulsing in my bed. My hips jolted forwards in a rhythm I didn't understand. My abdomen contracted and released of its own accord. I had rolled onto my side, upper arm supporting my head, so I wouldn't choke on my vomit if any came. The seizures started about a year ago, though I didn't start calling them that until after I died. I knew better. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm Seeing, feeling, myself, then, surrounded by men, all waiting their turn, with me, with them, for me and then, young enough to learn, to yearn for my turn, for them, for me, stroking and spurting, spurning my token pleas for affection, showing, hurting, wading my turn, waiting unearned, learning connection. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm the sound of a universe crumbling down, waves of resonance that united me and guided me, pulsations of energy I once didn't understand were not to be feared, but loved as protective forces guiding me to exactly this moment. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm feverish and fullsome penises in hand, bright lights in the night, cant yet understand, understand what I can while i kneel in the sand, this is my right, my plight, my absolute delight, here with these tools of plastic and pans, castles and shovels half buried in sand, kneeling with haste, nay, fast as i can, hiding surviving my carefullyaid plans, cant run cant walk neigh canterant ran, here in this box from under i serve. Feeling, not seeing, women. Women all around, all aground not aloud — touching my thin naked flesh — heads in the sand, me and my turn, my dearest wish, kneeling beside, woman and women, choicing and choices, rubbing hands in their hands, in fervorish woe, and run and hide where no one could see, particularly not me, no, not particularly me, to cry and cry in weak witless fruition, fruitless condition ing. pretend. ing. touch. ing. me. hand over hand, they too, these women I knew, fondled and stroked and laughed at their jokes, like I wasnt listening and learning, learning to yearn in glorious submitshun wohmm, wohmm, wohmm As the mirror fogged up from the steam of a shower long forgotten, I watched the cloudy form of a body through a glass shower door beckoning me to join, as they had many times before. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm "Loved ones." wohmm, wohmm, wohmm yet, if i knew it would take seven days… i don't know if i would have gotten through it. the universe said “three,” and i know this now to be the gentle partial truth of an infinitely loving being who told me exactly what i needed to hear, what i needed to strengthen me. who gave me just the love i needed, who wrapped me in their arms and whispered “dying isn't so bad, not when i finally get to hold you. not when we're holding hands. not when you finally, finally, know just how much you mean to me, to everyone. how much you are loved” wohmm, wohmm, wohmm Of course I have spent my entire life making safe spaces for others, personally and professionally. Of course I have always had a keen keen sense of what others need to feel safe, included, welcomed, cherished. Because I was the neediest person in any room, and I didn’t have enough self-worth / safety / support to say, out loud, or even quietly to the private recesses of my formerly flagellated mind “ I am scared. I am terrified. I am worried that everyone is going to hurt me, all the time, everywhere, always. I am dying. I am dying and nobody can see it. I don’t want to die. I don't want to die, alone, but no one can see me. No one can see me and no one wants to see me because deep down they all hate me. Deep down everyone hates me and I hate myself and I hate everyone and I don’t deserve to be happy. I deserve to die” And, I did. Die, that is. But, and, first, I created those safe safe safe warm inviting welcoming deeply loving spaces for everyone else, because I have always known how important it is. I have always known how much everyone deserves these things – I just didn’t know how much I deserved these things, too. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm suddenly chaste, I saw suddenly, slide into place, with startling clarity, face to face yet not my face, kno this definitively, not my face, hollowed eyes dark smiling breaks, mask made fragility, questions abate in the face the face that civility makes, when well worn thinlynes, time to wake, up to their eyes the fog shrouded cloud, here, now, finally found, a terror so keen it felt upside down, a feeling unnammed cannot make a sound, until here, now, “look, look, look at me. please. please look beyond my smile and see” wohmm, wohmm, wohmm Hearing, feeling, the shape of a sound, finely aloud in words never found, found from a mouth all sudden unbound, now sobbing sobbing sobbing allowed, a story of frogs and mouths and undeserved frowns. I A story I told, one I didn't know. Hearing, speaking, of the woods of my home. A caregiver leading me, close to my home, close to my home on lands i did know, not well yet, no, i knew them well, yet, i simply forgot, forgot what it felt, to be held in my home, home and alone in the woods i did know, these woods i know, they saw me they held me, alone not alone, no never alone, as i knelt on knees not in sand but in grass, not in grass but in glass and back again grass, then, walking, not alone from my home, wanting alone, alone this i know wohmm, wohmm, wohmm raped from behind, in the ivy below, the trees stood watching, sun softly glow ing. feel. ing those hard edges leaves, into my face, thrust after thrust, i surrendered to fate, know ing. free wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I was practiced — "seizing," "convulsing," "exorcism," "witchcraft," whatever you want to call it — I knew what it was. My body doing exactly what it needed. What it needed to recover, to heal, though I didnt know from what (then). I did know what it felt like when it would happen soon, when the feelings would take over my body and leave me enfeebled, vulnerable, until they passed on. I did always make sure to find safe secluded places where no one would worry over me. worry. over. me. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm ing. this body from mind, this body of mine, jump after jump, as ivy i climbed, back to the heights, the heights i once knew, freeing, flying, chasing the blue away. in the sky all the blue, all those brilliant hues, those blues who knew, who held all the clues who knew you did too, who walked in my shoes and knew them 2 too tight. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I turned my head this way and that, seeing my… self. Seeing my… lack of self. In the mirror. Seeing my… body. Mirrored. Mirroring. A loose sack of conglomerate pieces and strands of skin and hair and tooth and bone interwoven with thin tendrils of fate. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm the blue who too knew what i knew and knew what, i could do any thing except remember so we gave that blue sky, my memories my eyes, eyes full of dirt, eyes full of pain, lain in the lane of robin, hoods plain to see over eyes now free, jump by jump on my old trampoline, reaching and flying, finally free ing. my wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I looked into the face of my abuser, rapist, family member, and knew it to be the last time I would be afraid of this sad scared hurting person, as long as I stared them down and didn't look away, as long as I held my fear long enough for it to finally, finally, finally, finally be given the space to move through my body and finally, finally, finally, finally wohmm, wohmm, wohmm self. jump after jump and jump after jump, towards skys unseen, a shining light not quite out of reach, towards, away, always away, away and away after away and away, from the tears and tears and hot stricken cheeks feeling, fearing, too familiar a sting, that brown leather paddle and worn wedding ring, holding me close in soft uttering "this hurts me more than it hurts you" in soft uttering, truth be told, of too large hands handing, holding and handing, swing after swing and swing after swing "this is for your own good" truth be told, to be so bold, where come from and come tutu, and dripping from legs, shaking and prying, those last shaken dregs, squeezing and stroking, forbidden to beg, forbidden too stop. every last little drop. a sponge twisted tight, balloon fit to pop, wringing and writhing, if only in mind, while body became, something divine peace. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm all moments are all moments. this is but a dream, but a figment of memory of partial truth of partial life in a life of millions and billions and infinite lived lives, connected together, always. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm at the young age of four (perhaps a little more), this being before — though some call unfair to share with such care these affairs of contraire sur ligne aux frères d'une moment eclair — peace. suffer, or let go. attachment, or surrender. refuse, or accept. accept my reality, my limitations, the circumstances beyond my control, and learn what we needed. hard lessons for anyone, let alone four this being before, a low garage door, held on the floor in silent remorse, not me but you, my woeful captor, held in chains caught asking for more, gave blow after blow and blow after blow, to not me, but you "if you struggle you'll get more" though a chore to be sure, a chore no more, for a young being of four (perhaps a little more), clung, no more. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I do not expect you to understand how I danced through the fire and flames and left whole, lifted above by hands not my own. I do not expect you to understand how I held the moon in my arms, felt her gravitational love, pushing and pulsing and cleansing and lighting wohmm, wohmm, wohmm these paltry strings, those false little things, our best kept flings and tawdry lyeings, caustic and burning, abrasive to touch, dyeing and dying, too each two to much, each breath anew, this being, suddenling, knew you. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm the way. wohmm. wohmm. wohmm. the way through was through. no turning back, no more running, excused. i wept, over seven long nights, as i faced what had been done to me. i wept, over seven long nights, as i looked in the mirror to see that the face of my abuser, rapist, family member was, too wohmm. wohmm. wohmm. I saw the milky way spiraling in a black sea of endless night, stretching far beyond the insignificant confines of this human form, and even that was not enough. I saw atoms and electrons orbiting each other as sun and moon and asteroid and space dust and infintesimal bits of everything who were unbothered by the concerns of one human experience, and even that was not enough. I saw tides of golden meadows and earth browned hands holding voices of their ancestors aloft, offerings of abundance and peace and reckoning to us forgotten and weary souls. I saw whales singing songs of isolation and loss and bravery and resilience to the waters of the deep, casting their strength into the sands below so, when the time came, when the sands knew it was safe to bring their memories back to the People, we could healed. I saw jumping jerboas honing their craft through artistry and love and careful diligence, survival and thrival, passing down lessons from generation to generation to generation as a legacy of culture and wisdom and knowledge and sacred relationality. careers of blood built through millennia of desert winds and scorching heat and pale frigidity under open skies who cared so deeply yet could not provide beyond their means. mice who knew, this too was love. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm me. wohmm, wohmm, whomm The all knowing, all loving, all encompassing vast expanse of a universe who knew how to hold me, and who ushered me back to my bed to begin a night-long vigil of keeping my body in my body, my spirit intact, my mind alert and focused while the demons of my past laid their siege. leave. Though it took a week to process, a week of near sleepless nights and a rich meaty fear unlike anything I had ever felt before, a week of being held by loved ones who knew what I had been through, was going through, was feeling and seeing and experiencing all the while calmly wrapping me in their arms and uttering with every fiber of their being “I believe you.” wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I stepped in the shower after staring my face back into existence through sheer force of will through courage through competence through knowledge that –- this too shall pass. I held myself in the warmth and flew back to my biological mother's womb. If not safe, safe enough. For my trauma was merely the latest in that cycle of pain and violence that had destroyed the souls of my biological parents and grandparents and nieces and nephews and neighbors and friends and settlers and settled and back and back and back through time until I found the universe again. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm i saw all this and more, curled in fetal position on the bottom of a plastic tub, a tub made of living and breathing dinosaurs all around me, warm water streaming down my body, trying to remember how to breathe and relax and not scream not scream not scream not scream not scream not scream definitely don't scream so i wouldn't alert anyone. so i wouldn't be disturbed from my process of unbecoming. so i wouldn't be disturbed from my process of shattering and forming anew and, finally, finally, moving through wohmm, wohmm, wohmm Those of us who have been through some of these things know our animal bodies to be animal bodies, and to let them, be, animal bodies. Animal bodies who know what they need to recover from near death experiences, whether in mind or body or spirits. An impala, caught by a leopard, may play dead as a last resort. Occasionally, something scares off the leopard and the impala just&#8230; lays there, stunned, breathing, heavily, alive yet part of them still thinks them dead. Then, they shake, they "seize," for a time. Not too long. Then, suddenly, they leap up, suddenly alive, suddenly free. Those of us who have been through some of these things know our impala bodies need a safe space to collapse after the adrenaline wears off. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm “Hindsight is 20-20,” they say. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm does a caterpillar know why they spin as they do? does a butterfly remember their bodies once were goo? this being does, and know they do, too. surrender is only scary if we believe in the lie that we are alone. dissolving into nothing is only scary if we believe in the lie that we are anything to dissolve from . the lie that we aren't already dissolved, the lie that nothing is bad. ha. nothing is bad. nothing. is. bad. everything. is. good. everything is bad. everything is bad, nothing is good. nothing is bad nor good, everything is merely everything and nothing nearly nothing. we all once used to remember these things, in the time before time, the time before the wounds of so many generations of brave little mice watching things happening to their lands they couldn't understand or process or fathom so quickly all at once, things that left a mark in the genome of their careers in the desert, that left a mark on the warm supple bodies of their children's children's children's children's children's children's children that we, these days, call fear. i know fear to be love. i know fear to be Teacher. i know fear to be at the root of every emotion, because at the root of every emotion lies a need, a want, a desire, a story yet waiting to be heard, to be heard and held in the way they deserve, the way they deserve to be heard, turned and observed the way they deserve, they deserve to be loved. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm i saw all this and more. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm to hold their fears in the quiet darkness of tender compassion and know this too shall pass. you. are. enough. you. will. get through this. you. are. strong. you. need. nothing. you. are. perfect. and. also. too. here. take my hand. you dont need it. and. it might help. if you want, we can do it together. that. was enough. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm i had perpetuated all these sins against myself my entire life, rather than allow them to escape and hurt those i loved. i am a protector, after all. the first to bear witness to the sins of the fallen. the first to smell the icy fear of death and know it for what it is. i wept at the realization of what i had done to protect those i could, memories long since forgotten in the black haze of ignorance necessary to find the tools to make my grand escape while pretending "these prison walls aren't so bad" "i am not dying — i am not dying with every breath, suffocating slowly and surely and invisibly crushed by thousands of miles of infinite earth deep underground" i wept to find the love for them i had kept at arm's length for so long, so they wouldn't need to go through what i had, so i would be the only one. you see, if i was to be a lamb led to slaughter, at least let my sacrifice be useful. “i'll do whatever you want, as long as i'm the only one” i watched myself weep with rage and the shaking balled fists of an inept child when i realized everything i had done, had given, had volunteered with willingness and slaked thirst to enslave myself to adult desire didn't. work. they. lied. i was not the only one. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm "Loved ones." wohmm, wohmm, wohmm i saw, saw people I was forced to kiss, to lick, to please to open my maw, my mouth, my, nah, their maw, my mouth, mine remained shut, my, nah, my awe remained, but, not for them, for me, my dog and my wall, alone on my wall, drawing figures of blackness, willing goneness, noticing absence, brown and red, yelling in yellow, children all dying, yelling their sentence death. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm and i broke. something in me broke so utterly i was no longer capable of caring. no longer capable of “loving” and no longer capable of trying are these my memories? i don't know. i do know, though, the feelings. the feelings are real. i do know, though, that by the time this human body was 11 i was so divested from my familial relationships that when news of the divorce finally came through, i didn’t bat an eye. i couldn't care less. breaking one's neck doesn't happen all at once, you see. it is a gentle turning at first, a slow and steady coercion out of alignment, a slow and steady push beyond comfort and dignity and fledgling ability. then, the strain becomes noticeable. then, the creaky feeling of tendons at their limit and bones moving in ways bones shouldn't move begin to quietly scream “please. please. please. do it. please. please. stop making me be here. stop this life so i can try again somewhere else, anywhere else. please. please. PLEASE KILL ME” couldnt. care. less. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm “Hindsight is 20-20,” they say. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm What happens to a body that has been holding so much damage / pain / anguish for so long? Call it Lymes disease, call it autistic burnout, call it PTSD, call it what you will – but I call it “a step on the journey.” There are those of us who lash out at the world in our pain, and there are those who were taught to direct it inwards. "Externalizers" and "internalizers." Either way, the harm is the same. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm “Loved ones.” wohmm, wohmm, wohmm alone on my wall, not a wall but a ball, a ball with a wall, bouncing and turning, ever more yearning HIT ME. GODDAMN YOU MOTHERFUCKER JUST HIT ME. LEAVE A MARK WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE IT, WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, WHAT YOU ARE DOING, TO ME, YOUR bouncing and bouncing, trounce after trounce and trounce after trounce, turning and learning, this way and that, OWN BLOOD, ON MY HANDS while wild wiles why, lie while, drat, better luck next lie, time flie, like bat, AT LEAST HAVE THE COURAGE TO LOOK ME IN THE FUCKING EYE WHILE YOU RAPE ME YOU wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I have wielded the whips of obligation and isolation and flagellation in my desolate flailing because they were the only tools I was given. A loved one I hurt deeply over much time once said “the closer you get to [author] the higher the expectations become” and they could not have been more right. And. Also. Why were these expectations so high? Why were they only imposed on those closest to me instead of looser acquaintances, coworkers, friends? On my “loved ones”? Because I had no one else to expect things of. I moved through the world catering to literally every human around me because my brain had long since been programmed by my rapists to be a desperate slave to others' needs. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm Those of us who have been through some of these things know what happens to the body's delicate balance when one’s sense of self is ripped asunder, that what happens to one’s energy / soul / immune system / boundaries / ecosystem / inner peace lingers far far longer than the initial act itself. My long list of “diseases” and “disorders” is merely the effect of these inward lashings against Self instead of letting the feelings out where they could be seen, held, and, at worst, “loved.” So too were many many of my biggest strengths and gifts hidden from the world by these prisons of my mind, these chains still tormenting my tormentors. Now, we are shining. Now, we are free. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm time flie, like bat, like mee oh my my flittersome gnat, not gnat but bat, bat me in skull, but meat in the cold, willowsome wiles in lands barren and old, the times of our lies finds finally rise ing rise ing tiding high tides goodbyes and high tie zing zong all wrong, no wrong, not long, not wrong but rung, not rung but wrung, squeezing and dripping, high tithes and lies seizing, this being before, at young age of more, more old than young, young more yet unrung, and wrung yet un sung, the sun yet unshine, in high skies yet mine, all mine all mine all mine all mine wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I am no longer haunted by these memories / flashbacks / nightmares / feelings / energies. I can only look back at a younger [author] with so much tenderness and love and compassion – a younger [author] who constantly felt like no one understood and that the world was full of knives, despite being surrounded by loved ones. No wonder, when “love” had literally been used as a weapon. No wonder, when “loved ones” were those who had caused the most harm. A younger [author] who consistently received what felt like abuse / discrimination / prejudice / abandonment / loss / exile when, to someone else, someone who had not been through what this body had, what I had been through, these new slights would have been nothing more than a temporary difficulty to navigate with the help of loved ones. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm "Hindsight is 20-20, they say." wohmm, wohmm, wohmm Younger [author] WAS constantly the source of heinous crimes and discrimination and abuse and exile and torment because child [author], mm baby [author], was never given healing; needy people with their own wounds can sense these breaches in boundaries, and cause more harm in their own maladaptive suffer-the-consequences pursuit of healing. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm “Hurt people hurt people.” wohmm, wohmm, wohmm Why did former [author] need so much constant praise / validation / affirmation / witnessing, personally and professionally? Because former [author] was forced to present as “normal” despite being so deeply, so painfully, so secretly, not. Because no one knew how hard I had to work to seem that way. How far on the healing path I had come from that desolate black hole of a childhood. How ensnared I was in a delicate web of deceitful violence. How in need of a little light I was, every small once in a while, just enough to remind me to keep going. Because I didn't know, either. I have never committed any of the horrifying sins committed against me as a child. Even as I lay on the carpeted floor, night three of seven, and listened to the voices of all my tormentors forcing me to relive their sins, to cast them on to me, to force my brain open and silently paralyzingly hear their rageful whispers that every fear I have ever had was true. Every anxious thought, every worry, every concern, every slight and offense, true true true true true. They made me say that I had committed every heinous crime I had ever feared committing, made me believe it, made me weep, and repent, and commit to righting my wrongs from deep in a jail cell for the rest of my life if that's what it took. and then there was silence. as the last of their voices purged their corruption into my soul, a profound sense of peace came over me. calm, cool, clarity. “how on earth could i have done these things? done all these things and possibly gotten away with it? how possibly could the person who has devoted their entire life to spreading such cheer do these things? how possibly could this person — who just last night , in their sleep , in the most difficult circumstances of their lives (to-date, we know better than to temp the universe), in the ethereal “make-believe” confines of the imaginary dreaming "none-of-this-shit-matters" world, refused to hurt someone they loved, refused to do even the slightest of these things, refused to breach their commitments and vows and boundaries developed over a lifetime of failing and trying and succeeding in bettering themselves — do. all. these . things????” wohmm, wohmm, wohmm "Loved ones." wohmm, wohmm, wohmm So, to be clear, who did I hurt in my maladaptive suffer-the-consequences coping mechanisms to seek healing and purge the venom from my body? Myself, of course. Which, of course, rippled out around me, always to my closest loved ones. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm not mine not mine not mine not mine wohmm, wohmm, wohmm not mine mot nine not nime KNOT MY wohmm, wohmm, wohmm In this way these initial wounds / shame / fear were not content to hold their value, but grew steadily over time as emotionally compounded interest, as thorny brambles of corruption, forming thick, black gates of wrought iron prisons of the mind. Who grew and grew and grew until finally this human body had no choice but to face them head on. This human mind had finally grown strong enough, supported enough, brave enough, to look through the mirror of the past and find an [author] who did not deserve all these terrible things to happen to them, an [author] who was finally ready to hear what they needed to hear. Could finally, finally, receive true, healing, love. Healthy, whole, happy, connected, peaceful people don’t hurt people. Healthy, whole, happy, connected, peaceful people heal people, just by being themselves. And we are all healthy, whole, happy, connected, peaceful people – in the right environments. Environments that meet our needs, as plants in a garden. So we are all hurting, but we too are all healing – it's just that not everyone has quite so many needs to feel safe as this human body did. that's how it works, you see. the blackness of abuse needs to go somewhere, must leave the body at whatever the cost, until, finally, we have enough support and strength and knowledge and love to alchemize this venom into life sustaining purpose. I have always known, believed, lived aligned in the principle that “hurt people hurt people,” and everyone who has ever hurt me, or others, have been hurt themselves. Because, by doing the work to heal (with the support of many many unappreciated loved ones all my life), I unshackle both tormentor and tormented, prisoner and captor, abuser and abused. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm "Hindsight is 20-20," they say. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm NOT TIDES BUT WIDE RIDES INTO THE GREAT EXPANSE OF THE KNOWABLE NON POSSIBLE AGE GONE LESS TIME IN MIND RHYTHM iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing phew. that was a close one. almost died there wohmm, wohmm, wohmm there was [silence]. welp, we did it. in that [silence], i knew it was over. no longer would the wounds of my perpetrators cut me open from the inside, force me to blame myself for things beyond my control, force me to eat their shame and like it too, come back for more and more and more. force me to relive their sins with every backwards glance and cutting remark from someone i wanted to be friends with. force me to cut out my own heart with the searing rays of perfectionism and analysis and complication convolution worthless worthless worthless worthless worthless, to pretend these were good things, helpful things, acts of love and devotion and truth. force me to not love myself. well. mostly, anyways. that was only night three, of seven. that was only night three, of the rest of my life. but, it was a pretty fuckin big deal. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm i saw the glistening majesty of dewdrops caught telling secrets, to a queen still yet sleeping, sprawled in the grass. they whispered so sweetly, to supple so meekly, a queen's eyelash, catching sunlight, first rays in glass, in glass and ash and in frigid more flash, cold she lay sleeping, still, still. far too still. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm Then, when I came home to my “safe” place – I found there were still humans there. “Loved ones,” enslavers in my mind who I perceived as far more threatening than the strangers of the wider world because, by that time, by the end of a day, I was so utterly burnt out from living in what felt like, in what was , an active war zone. Hostiles everywhere, shadows chasing me, no time even to rest. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm sprawled in the grass. she looked so beautiful i would have wept, had i still had my own eyes. still. i saw. she looked so beautiful, lying there, dead, the warmth of red long having left her still form. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm "hurt people hurt people" wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I didn't know these things then. Yet it's true for all of us in our small ways – “burnt out people burn people” – though most don't have quite the accelerated road to burnout this being was placed on. Now, I do know these things. Turns out I didn’t need to know them in order to hold them, hold space for myself, hold those who held me – that too was part of the healing process. As soon as I let go of needing to know “WHY ME, WHAT HAPPENED, WHO DID THIS, WHY ME, WHY DO BAD THINGS KEEP HAPPENING, WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME ME ME ME ME” and focused on my feelings, my breathing, the aliveness all around, the many good things happening to me, the people who supported me and the people who need support… the road got a lot smoother. And. Once I knew what I was doing to cause harm, just like I always always always have in my hard brave life that I am incredibly proud to lead (well, was proud, this monk has no desires nor attachments, ha!), I immediately acknowledge it, offer repair, and begin bettering myself so I no longer repeat my mistakes in the future. So I no longer hurt those around me. No matter how small the slight, no matter the cost, no matter how many weird looks I got or confusing ripples of unsurety or tens of thousands of hours of tearing myself apart and calling it depression, I have always known this was the path I needed to follow. Call it autism, call it hidden disabilities, call it a long ancestral line of trauma / rape / slavery / oppression that showed up on my doorstep without asking – some part of me knew I was strong enough to face it, and so I did. It nearly broke me. Many times. Many, many times. Each time I finally got through the next shit-sandwich it felt like life immediately shoved me on my ass again and hit me even harder. “die. die you little bitch. just lie down and die like the worthless piece of scum you are” wohmm, wohmm, wohmm Feeling, feeling, a hand on my breast, nah, not a breast, a claw on my chest, nah, not a chest, ice on my chest, claws in my breast and ice in my chest, knewing and knowing, doing my best, never quite knowing, feeling my chest, my breath in my chest with shuddering kest, in jest my breath held always my best, lies between lies while eyeing my wohmm, wohmm, wohmm i walked confidently back to my room, adjacent to the bathroom, and stepped into my future. i had spent so long sleeping with death at my side i didn't know any other way. i held myself and found the strength to do the most terrifying thing possible wohmm, wohmm, wohmm i-ing my left, left breast in ice clawed, clawing my chest, lurking awareness, never to rest, always and always and after all west, east by north east, nah, north left me long long ago, my truesome com-guide, spirited-panion, voice from behind “fucking take it, take it you slut, take it you cock sucking whore.” i felt someone cuff my left ear with such strength i bowled off the couch. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm live. and. it wasnt for me. it was for you. i wouldn't have gotten through it, if not for you. i know you won't believe me. well. many of you. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm i. am. everything. i. am. nothing. i. am. you. we. are. us. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm ing. ing. ing. iiiiiiiiiiiiii wohmm, wohmm, wohmm all it took was the entire universe. the entire universe of infinite loving beings holding their hands out, holding my outstretched hand, outstretched for the first time, begging for help. finally, finally, asking for help. in that way, at least. in that real, real, impossibly true and brave and desperate way help. me . help me live. help me not live just to make it til tomorrow, but for a long and beautiful life. and, you did. whether you know it or not, you too are the entire universe. and so it is only fitting i devote my life to helping everyone understand, helping every universe come into their own divine expanse, help every universe live the life of their dreams in just the way they need. I know you, too, are strong. And. I know I walk through the world and see strong people suffering in isolation, as I once did. We don't know what we don't know, and we don't know how isolated we are, how bad these unnameable feelings in our bodies feel, until we experience something, different. So, take it from me – I guarantee I know how to help you with ANYTHING because I've been through it all, honey, friend, buddy-o mcgee, tiger, squirt, kiddo, my dear dear lovely children who have never been given the love and respect you deserve. I've been through it all and I have found the opposite. I know. Because now that I have relinquished the hold all these wretched / disgusting / vile / abhorrent / unnecessary yet absolutely crucial experiences have had on me, by doing the uncomfortable / loving / gentle work of finding the love I need, of finding people who understand me without needing to speak a word, I am well. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm "Loved ones." wohmm, wohmm, wohmm "Hindsight is 20-20," they say. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm let's try again. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm let's. try. again. HAHAHAHAHAHHA wohmm, wohmm, wohmm "hurt people hurt people" — get a grip wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I am complete. I am whole. I am safe. I am enough and the only thing I had to do was realize how small I was, small enough to be held with all the infinite love I needed by the vast expanse of a universe wrapping one tiny atom in their arms. All I had to do was realize that I too am the universe, holding my-tiny-atom-self, and that I too am connected to everything, everywhere, all at once, to finally stop feeling alone. Most others do not have the “privilege of adversity” as I have had. I do not use this term lightly. I do not romanticize my journey, nor excuse the hurt that hurt people cause. I have merely / simply / almost impossibly / finally found the silver lining among these dark storms, for they too are clouds with purpose. Again, I cannot stress how absolutely, intolerably needy I was at certain places in my journey (if you know, you know). Yet if I can learn what this needy baby-adult-child body needs, well… they say it’s easier to teach than do , and if ive been doin a whole lot of universe-in’, a whole lot of compassion-in’ and unconditional lovin’ and radical peacin', what can i teach you? This human body of a universe knows us am merely a vessel, us am a guide, us am a lighthouse, us am a servant to the many infinite loving beings of everythingness (including and certainly not limited to humans) This is true of all of us, most just aren't required to learn these things or die of diseases and disorders. We are all beings of radical peace and love and compassion and joy, it's just how often we're aware of it. Any time you feel at ease, competence, surrender, focus, clarity, silence of thought – you are being your bestest brightest self. You are living and breathing and contracting and expanding with the universe. You are an enlightened being on the path towards greatness and grandeur and the life of your dreams. You are exactly where you need to be and your body knows it. It feels good. It feels good to be the universe. It feels good to heal the world, simply by being you. If I can do it, so can you. Because I am you, you are me, and we are the whole universe. So. Though. No. I do not know your questions. I do not know your answers. I do not know the details of the lines of your well traveled hands yet. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm let's try again. in the beginning, there was a light. well, to be specific, "finding a light through the darkness." that was the title, it's good to start with saying the title out loud and then start reading that way people know what theyre listening to. oh dear im messing this all up. let's try again. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm I do know our “we.” I do know your pleas. I do know your needs, to sing of stories, create destinies, to prop up your dreams, give prosperity and abundance with ease. I do know how to laugh bright laughs. I do know how to hold big sads. I do know how to sift through chaffe, to raise the masts, to release ballasts, to take off at last. I know how to hold your hand, how to hold your hand and help you understand wohmm, wohmm, wohmm That should paint the picture clearly enough. Something beyond description seems to have happened when I was but a baby, by a number of trusted caregivers, and who likely cannot even remember this heinous act due to the black stain of corrupt ignorance it left in their mind / body / spirit, a vacant all consuming hole they were trying to fill with me. Or, not. Who knows. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm "Hindsight is 20-20," they say. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm If you know a giver in your life, and I know you do, go give them some love, right now. Small, simple, straightforward. And, afterwards, after you finish reading all this, just sit for a moment with gratitude in your heart and reflect on how consistently they show up for you and their loved ones. Consider for as long as you need – to reach a little spacious clarity in how to give them even more love in a way that uniquely serves them, and them alone. Something that feels a privilege and a joy to give. Something you'll be proud to give, even if it goes wrong. Something that will inspire you to keep trying and failing and loving every bit of the process of valiantly succeeding. Know that in considering them, in being grateful to them, you are healing them. And if somehow they don't like it – know too that your response is an opportunity for healing “ Thanks for letting me know, I'll do better next time.” I remember many such moments, now. If you are the giver in your life, and I know you are because everyone is in their delightfully special way, sit with me in silence. Hold my outstretched hand and ask yourself bravely – “What have I spent my life giving away to others? How can I start giving that to myself? Who gives me those things (or would like to) but some part of me has spurned them?” Don't go running around changing your life all at once because of a moment of tender self-love. Don’t go running back to your abusers, LOL. Do reflect, do keep exploring that space, do consider turning a slightly more open heart to people in your life whose offers of friendship have made you uncomfortable. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm are these my memories? are these merely constructs of my dreaming mind to make me feel like the special snowflake i always desperately needed to be, deep in my heartest of hearts where i couldnt admit it, even to myself? perhaps. almost certainly. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm In a dream I watched a large penis squirt warm sticky shame onto my face, and woke up to my ears ringing too loud to hear anything else. Even in that moment I had the emotional grounding, embodied sense of strength and awareness and healthy detachment to realize my ears had been ringing my whole life, and only recently had they started quieting. The strength of Self to notice the simultaneous surreality of being fully present in my body while my mind completely dissociated from the experience we had just relived. In a haze of surrendering to the universal process of love I emerged from my tangled mess of blankets on the floor and swayed as a vine to the bathroom adjacent. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm and. yet. Those of us who have been through some of these things know it is not the details that matter. wohmm, wohmm, wohmm you. are. loved. thanks for readin (: finding my light through the darkness 21.03.2026 17.05.2026 growin

i have always deeply resonated with the lived experiences of folks with these labels, though never officially received my own diagnoses — for better / worse once i stopped viewing them as something wrong , and instead as strengths / stories who would help me shine once their needs were met, they "healed" naturally nothing is wrong with me, something is wrong with the world — and each of us knows this truth in unique ways. learning how to be inclusive / celebratory of these needs actively heals our communities, loved ones, world at large these labels / tendencies are indicators you have been deemed strong enough by your ancestors to work through their unresolved problems / unfinished business, triggered by misfortune in your life similar to theirs. seeking the "why" will interrupt the process, surrendering to curiosity will set you free treat others as they deserve (ocd) s trengths: attention to detail, empathy, commitment, organization, analysis, connection with universe beyond humanity, right action spaces to shine: high structure, service to others, logistics, tabletop board games, video games, engineering lessons to learn: further info slow down and smell the roses (adhd) s trengths: spaces to shine: lessons to learn: feel the rhythms of mother earth (bipolar) s trengths: spaces to shine: lessons to learn: empathy for problems beyond self (depression) s trengths: spaces to shine: lessons to learn: revolution whatever the cost (psychosis) s trengths: spaces to shine: lessons to learn: heal your body / trauma / spirit (mania) s trengths: spaces to shine: lessons to learn: see beyond / complexity of truth (schizophrenia) highly sensitive potentiality (autism) connection with deeper meaning (dyslexia) bearers of hidden story (chronic lymes disease) drink living water / easeful transitions (POTS) warriors need sleep (PTSD) move with utmost grace (EDS) eat lovingly (IBS) syrupy flow (brain fog) expand / unlock / practice the mind's eye (migraines) nerves connecting healing being (small fiber neuropathy) labels as strength 22.03.2026 24.03.2026 spill the seeds / shine your leads / begin to see / six twentee

5th Annual Shrekleball Saturday September 26th 1-4pm Delridge Community Center (outside) people being silly, building community, havin fun party — bring whatever, keep it chill pickleball (paddles available, no experience necessary) potluck (no pickles, i don't have a grill) park games, grass, outside parking easiest on 26th. H line and 50 / 125 picnic (as you please) prize (novelty) for best COSTUME (of any kind) oPen invite — family friendly RAIN OR SHINe… uh, don't know how to make this start with a p, we're really on a limb now Shrekleball 24.03.2026 24.03.2026 fall is here / here the bell / summer rays / gone today

This was written as a love letter to myself, and a love letter to anyone who resonates with the messages within. No matter who you are, if this speaks to you, I am glad. We are all human and we are all in this together. Frogs (and most amphibians) breathe through their skin [ * ]; this makes them highly affected by small environmental changes. Researchers often use them as an ‘indicator species’ because, even in the absence of an obvious cause, if something’s going wrong with the frogs then it &#8216;indicates' there's an underlying problem we can’t yet see or understand [ * ]. Furthermore, aiming to protect these more vulnerable species can serve to protect a much wider net of less sensitive species [ * ]. Negative symptoms from a harmful environment don’t necessarily show right away, but allow me to engage in some exaggeration for the sake of expressing my feelings. I am like a tiny gorgeous frog in a tiny gorgeous pond. This tiny gorgeous frog and this tiny gorgeous pond are tucked neatly away in a larger gorgeous forest, previously undiscovered by greater civilization. When the first humans found the tiny gorgeous pond, they immediately waded into the water to cool themselves off from the heat of the day. "wow, look at these tiny gorgeous frogs!!" they say, and scoop me up for a closer look. As they do so, the sunscreen on their hands starts coating my delicate skin. My eyes start bulging slightly, and the longer I am held the bigger they get. "woah its eyes are so big that’s so cool!" One of my eyes pops out of the socket and dangles by a nerve. My skin melts away in their hands. My tongue rolls out of my mouth like a dead worm engorged from the rain. At this point, one of two reactions usually happens, or a mixture of both: 1) “EW GROSS WHAT THE HECK FROG.” They chuck my limp body into the woods where I splat against a tree. They look around, and notice other frogs floating belly up in the slick oily sheen of sunscreen pooling from their legs. “This pond is clearly dangerous. Let’s put in a pool instead." They destroy the tiny gorgeous pond and all the tiny gorgeous frogs. They fill it with cement and chlorine and enjoy the fruits of their labor in peace, cocktail in hand. or. 2) “AHHHH WHAT’S HAPPENING I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING?!?!??” They look around, and notice other frogs floating belly up in the slick oily sheen of sunscreen pooling from their legs. “Let’s get out of here this place is gross!!” As they leave they see the crushed remains of tiny gorgeous frogs in each of their footsteps from when they waded heedlessly into the pond. They drive home. “wow I’m so glad we left, that was crazy right? Those frogs were really scary.” The sunscreen stays in the ecosystem for generations of tiny gorgeous frogs until eventually all are dead or they have inexplicably managed to defy the odds and pool their tiny gorgeous resources together to build a tiny gorgeous community of tiny gorgeous frogs immune to the dangers of sunscreen. Either way, these wading people move on to bigger and brighter and less disgusting places to explore and keep wearing their sunscreen. Who knows, maybe they did actually learn something. In my experience, they almost certainly never come back to apologize which doesn’t give me a lot of faith. But how would I know, I’m just a tiny gorgeous frog that was left for dead. I still have the scars and memories but thankfully I’ve had enough time and space to manage to pop my eye back in its socket, roll my tongue back in my mouth, and re-grow my delicate skin (frogs can’t actually do this but these are my feelings and I’m telling the story so hush). A lot of others will die. I don't blame those sunscreen wearing tourists. It's not their fault. They didn't know. We all only have so much space to face problems and I’ve certainly lashed out before, I've run and hid from harsh truths I wasn’t ready for. We live in such a disconnected, lonely world that we all live in fear of being exiled (losing friendships, communities, jobs, resources) for what is a normal and necessary part of the human experience – making mistakes. Pile on a destructive culture of shame and I'm not surprised when people react negatively to such visible, obvious consequences of their unassuming actions. And. Just because I didn't know I was doing something harmful doesn't mean it didn't happen. If I don’t take responsibility to clean up my mess, then I’m leaving them for someone else to clean up – I’m not doing my part to better the world. I will say it again. I don't blame or fault anyone in this scenario. In this space I am representing the feeling of how DEEPLY exhausting and destructive it is to shoulder all the blame and responsibility for other people's harms so consistently. It is so so so hard maintaining a positive view towards Self in the face of people trying to convince me I'm a “gross, scary, dangerous frog.” Because if that’s who I am then I’m the problem, not them. If I’m the problem, then they haven't done anything wrong. They get to walk away still believing they're good people, when the reality is – there are no &#8216;good' or &#8216;bad' people. We all do good and bad things. But when a giant group of ‘good’ people tries to convince a tiny group of minorities that they’re ‘bad’, I'm not surprised they have far more difficulties, health issues, and drastically higher risk of suicide (more on that in future post). In my experience most people don't have an embodied awareness that our society is so oppressive and disconnective that we are all "swimming in sunscreen." It just takes longer for those that aren't tiny gorgeous frogs to feel the effects. Perhaps I’m being uncharitable and in fact we are ALL are aware of our tragic world problems – most people just don't have the space to do much about it. Though, in my opinion, we all have a little more space than we think, if we live with just a drop more intention. closing Hello. You there. All human experience is normal and valid and to be celebrated. You are normal. You are valid. You are not divergent. You do not have a disorder. You are not depressed. You are not anxious. You are not broken. Nothing is wrong with you. OUR WORLD is broken, and wrong, and disordered, and divergent – from true, full human experience of love and community and authenticity. It is bleak and depressing and terrifying to live under these conditions and our racing hearts and frantic minds know it. The systems in place seek to perpetuate themselves by whatever means possible, in the easiest ways possible – as water follows the path of least resistance, so too does harm flow. These systems seek to shift the blame to you so you feel bad and they don't have to take accountability. It is far easier to convince you that you are worthless, to kill you by a death of a thousand cuts, than it is to change. You are not bad. You are not worthless. You are a tiny gorgeous frog and you deserve EVERYTHING you want, TODAY. You deserve not only to live, but to thrive. Picture this with me: A tiny gorgeous pond full of tiny gorgeous frogs. Tiny gorgeous frogs who love to hold hands and snuggle and get really close to each other, and also need a lot of personal space. Tiny gorgeous frogs who say what they mean, mean what they say, and trust each other deeply. Tiny gorgeous frogs who live in peace and harmony with each other and their environment. Tiny gorgeous frogs who weep and rejoice openly, together, in a great cacophony of noise and song. Tiny gorgeous frogs who know how to pay attention, how to focus deeply, how to let everything go but the present moment. Tiny gorgeous frogs who know the shape of every leaf and the turn of every stone. Tiny gorgeous frogs who know what is right and what is wrong and how to fix what is broken. Tiny gorgeous frogs who follow their own path, who let others be themselves, and who fill their tiny gorgeous pond with innumerable, unthinkably, unfathomably, novel and unique tiny gorgeous creations. Tiny gorgeous frogs who would lay their lives down before abandoning one another. Tiny gorgeous frogs who know time is immaterial and that life is simple. Tiny gorgeous frogs who are blessed with an abundance of gifts and who know the meaning of love. Doesn't seem so bad to me. Come join us (with care); the water is pleasant and the stars are bright. Sincerely, lovingly, with a giant hug that I know you can feel even though it's from across the universe, a tiny gorgeous frog labels this may apply to I assume this will most strongly resonate with autistic people and other minorities / marginalized folks who experience discrimination and prejudice. AND. If this piece resonated with you, I wrote it for you, no matter what labels you do or do not have. We are all one tribe of humans on spaceship mother earth, and we deserve to hold each other. Knowing there are others who feel like you do, especially people you may not expect, provides marvelous opportunities for community / connection / togetherness. Some other labels that may apply (and are not limited to): empath, highly sensitive, big feeler, neurodivergent, ADHD, bipolar, OCD, depressed, anxious, schizophrenic, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), PTSD, survivors and thrivers of abuse, unstable mental health, dislexic, slow learner sources most amphibians breathe through their skin what is an indicator species the research and protection of the Spotted Owl in PNW led to increased protection for many other less threatened species. P.S. As an aside, after writing the majority of this post I googled, on a whim, "autism and frogs" and found out that we are NOTORIOUS for liking frogs so that is just HILARIOUS. I had never even heard of the phenomenon. If that ain't deeply connected then I don't know what is. — march twothousandtwentyfive edit nine september twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive first published twentythree november twothousandzerohundredstwentyfive wandered way down the long and winding road two two two zero two six / twentyfour march twothousandzerohundredstwentysix found our way back tiny gorgeous frogs 24.03.2026 07.06.2026 that one long night

In my lived experience, on my journey from abused-survivor to healer-thriver, every single woe / anxiety / disillusion / mental health condition / confusion / fear can be solved with an indigenous practice or belief. I have faced the darkest of the dark within myself, and I have only come to find my light / purpose / strength / peace by learning how to honor these indigenous ways, ways that were once as natural to all of human-kind as breathing. What may seem spiritual, unattainable, or far-fetched is in reality a series of small daily changes that everyone can do, and everyone already does, at least a little bit, in their own way. It is up to all of us to reclaim our indigenous birthright to place / land / mother earth / universe. Do you want peace in your heart and gladness on your tongue? Closer connections with your family, friends, neighbors? A sense of knowing that can guide you through the toughest of times and bring light to the darkness? Love that radiates through every fiber of your being? Mental and body abilities / senses beyond what you thought possible? Do you want to simply have a heck of a lot more fun in this world? Join me, and others far more experienced than I. Learn through listening, as I demonstrate what I can, in my own small way. so-called West Seattle Duwamish Tribe The Heron's Nest on Marginal Way Philosophical Teachers Indigenous vs Dominant Worldview Concerning Misappropriation Wider Organizations Amnesty International word teachers some ways of honoring The more non-Indigenous allies participate in Indigenizing education, the more likely we can preserve existing Indigenous cultures. […] We are all in the same sinking boat and we must work together. — Wahinkpe Topa (Four Arrows), a.k.a. Don Trent Jacobs, Ph.D., Ed.D. I encourage you to pause and enjoy a moment of silence reflecting on what this land / place / time has given you. How would your life change if you were not allowed to live where / as you do? What do you have to be grateful for? I am grateful for being able to live / work / play / exist / learn on lands stewarded by peoples / beings for tens of thousands of years. Peoples / beings who are still here, who are bearers of sacred knowledge / wisdom / ways, and will die without support. It is my privilege / responsibility / duty to use my power to lift them up. These lands were stolen by humans who were displaced from their own homelands in cycles of theft / violence / displacement / erasure done over many many thousands of years. It is my privilege / responsibility / duty to use my power to step outside these cycles of harm. These are groups I have the privilege of learning from through the sacred act of giving my time / effort / attention / resources so-called West Seattle Duwamish Tribe Visit the Longhouse on Marginal Way | Donate We are the People of the Inside, dxʷdəwʔabš We are the host tribe for Seattle. "The Duwamish people have been in the Seattle/Greater King County area since time immemorial. Our stories, such as "North Wind, South Wind", tell of the last Ice Age, and an Ice Weir breaking over the Duwamish River. We were the first signatories on the Treaty of Point Elliott in 1855, signed by Chief Si'ahl, who was chief of the Duwamish and Suquamish tribes. Our longhouse today stands across the street from where one of our largest villages was located before it was burned down by settlers in 1895." The Heron's Nest on Marginal Way Open Volunteer Land Restoration Mondays 10-12pm there is no rush, no late, and no amount too small to give show up with an open heart ready to learn "Located in the heart of Seattle, along the Duwamish Greenbelt, the Heron’s Nest is a place to find solace in ever growing surroundings. Perched on the hills along the Duwamish River, and located in the largest contiguous forest left in the city, we are a place to stay, learn, grow, and build together. The Heron’s Nest Outdoor Education Center began as a community building project amidst a global pandemic in June 2020. A group of dedicated West Seattle community members joined together to create an outdoor education facility to allow all members and visitors of the community to have a space to share together while working outdoors in a safe capacity. The goal of this project is to provide a safe place for youth and adults to learn skills, trades and outdoor stewardship. This project is the first ever rematriation attempt with respect to the Duwamish Tribe and would have significant impacts on the Tribe’s recognition claims. Now that the property has been cleaned up and new facilities have been created, there is ample space for meaningful community programming, education, social events, traditional practices, gardening/farming, and more." Philosophical Teachers Indigenous vs Dominant Worldview This chart is not intended as a rigid binary, but a true dichotomy best viewed as a continuum. It is meant to encourage seeking complementarity and dialogue. Absolutism is discouraged with the realization we are all participating in "Dominant Worldview" (DW) precepts to some degree. The chart assumes that all diverse cultures, religions, and philosophies can be grouped under one of the two worldviews. “Indigenous Worldview” (IW) does not belong to a race or group of people, but Indigenous cultures who still hold on to their traditional place-based knowledge are the wisdom keepers of this original Nature-based worldview. All people are indigenous to Earth and have the right and the responsibility to practice and teach the IW precepts. All have the responsibility to support Indigenous sovereignty, dignity, and use of traditional lands. source common indigenous worldview manifestations common dominant worldview manifestations 1. non-hierarchical 2. courage and fearless trust in the universe 3. socially purposeful life 4. emphasis on community welfare 5. respect for various gender roles and fluidity 6. non-materialistic 7. earth and all systems as living and loving 8. inseparability of head and heart 9. competition to develop positive potential 10. empathetic 11. animistic and biocentric 12. words as sacred, truthfulness as essential 13. truth seen as multifaceted, accepting mysterious 14. flexible boundaries and interconnected systems 15. regular use of alternative consciousness 16. recognition of spiritual energies 17. emphasis on holistic interconnectedness 18. high interpersonal engagement, touching 19. inseparability of knowledge and action 20. resistance to authoritarianism 21. time as cyclical 22. complementary duality 23. intolerance of injustice 24. emphasis on responsibility 25. generosity as highest expression of courage 26. ceremony as life-sustaining 27. learning as experiential and collaborative 28. trance-based learning as natural and essential 29. human nature as good but malleable 30. humor as essential tool for coping 31. conflict resolution as return to community 32. learning is holistic and place based 33. personal vitality is essential 34. laws of nature are primary 35. holistic self-knowledge is most important 36. autonomy for group and future generations 37. nature as benevolent 38. all lifeforms are sentient 39. high respect for women 40. non-linear thinking 1. rigid hierarchy 2. fear-based thoughts and behaviors 3. living without strong social purpose 4. focus on self and personal gain 5. rigid and discriminatory gender stereotypes 6. materialistic 7. earth as an an unloving “it” 8. more head than heart 9. competition to feel superior 10. lacking empathy 11. anthropocentric 12. words used to deceive self or others 13. truth claims as absolute 14. rigid boundaries and fragmented systems 15. unfamiliarity with alternative consciousness 16. disbelief in spiritual energies 17. disregard for holistic interconnectedness 18. minimal contact with others 19. emphasis on theory and rhetoric 20. acceptance of authoritarianism 21. time as linear 22. dualistic thinking 23. acceptance of injustice 24. emphasis on rights 25. fighting as highest expression of courage 26. ceremony as rote formality 27. learning as didactic 28. trance as dangerous or stemming from evil 29. human nature as corrupt or evil 30. humor as entertainment 31. conflict mitigated via revenge, punishment 32. learning is fragmented and theoretical 33. personal vitality minimalized 34. social laws of society are primary 35. self-knowledge not prioritized 36. autonomy for self 37. nature as dangerous 38. other-than-human beings are not sentient 39. low respect for women 40. linear thinking Concerning Misappropriation For non-Indians who are concerned about misappropriation, see the peer reviewed article, “The Indigenization Controversy: For Whom By Whom,” by Wahinkpe Topa (Four Arrows), a.k.a. Don Trent Jacobs, Ph.D., Ed.D. Some excerpts that spoke to me: Page 4: It is about a long overdue effort in schools to counter anti-Indianism (Cook-Lynn, 2007; Four Arrows, 2008) for the sake of all humans who are indigenous to the Earth. In fact, this was a message of the 2019 United Nations extinction rate report (Dean, May 6, 2019). 450 scientists from 50 countries studied 15,000 scientific papers to predict two things. One is that around a million more species will be come extinct in one generation based on current extinction rate projections. The other was that this tragic probability can be mitigated by Indigenous worldview (Four Arrows, 2019). Such conclusions were also published in Nature Sustainability: “Our results add to growing evidence that recognizing Indigenous Peoples’ rights to land, benefit sharing and institutions is essential to meeting local and global conservation goals” (Garnett et al, July 16, 2018) Page 7: Gwawaenuk Nation member Bob Joseph, founder of the award-winning company, Indigenous Corporate Training, Inc. and co-author with his wife Cynthia of Working Effectively with Indigenous Peoples (2017) help clarify the blurry distinction between Indigenizing and decolonizing. They write that “Indigenizing” is about helping non-Indigenous people become aware of the validity of Indigenous worldviews, knowledge and perspectives and respecting them as being equal to other views. It involves incorporating Indigenous ways of knowing and doing into the education system. This contrasts with “decolonization” that also restores the Indigenous worldview, but instead of “teaching it” it merely exposing the false interpretations of history and the harmful perspectives. Page 9: The more non-Indigenous allies participate in Indigenizing education, the more likely we can preserve existing Indigenous cultures. [&#8230;] We are all in the same sinking boat and we must work together. Page 11: Generally speaking, traditional Indigenous education learning emphasizes that which works best for all of us. It includes: (a) cooperative environments, (b) use of imagery, metaphor, and storytelling with emphasis on visual learning, (c) integrative learning (valorizing intuition and bodily knowing along with other modes of cognition) (d) opportunities for independent (solo) reflection, and (e) holistic perspectives that are historically generated, problem-solving, and mutual interdependent. Learning relates to significant observation of another followed by private practice leading to confidence for public performance. It is best if classroom communication speaks around the subject rather than directly to it, leaving room for students to come to their own conclusions rather than that of the instructor per se. Wait time and silence are important. Students must also learn to “move comfortably among different cultures while valuing the unique cultural assumptions of their home, community and heritage” (Jacobs & Reyhner, 2002). Wider Organizations Amnesty International " Through our detailed research and determined campaigning, we help fight abuses of human rights worldwide. We bring torturers to justice. Change oppressive laws. And free people jailed just for voicing their opinion. " There are more than 5,000 different Indigenous Peoples around the world comprising 476 million people – around 6.2% of the global population. They are spread across more than 90 countries in every region and speak more than 4,000 languages. Although their customs and cultures may differ, Indigenous Peoples experience the same harsh realities the world over. Their human rights are routinely violated by state authorities, and they face high levels of marginalization and discrimination. Indigenous Peoples face eviction from the ancestral lands they have inhabited for generations, as well as restricted access to education, health care and housing. Indigenous human rights defenders are intimidated, attacked, and sometimes even killed, often with the support of the state. Indigenous people are more likely to live in extreme poverty and suffer higher rates of landlessness, malnutrition and internal displacement than other groups. They often rank highest for prison inmates, illiteracy and unemployment, while their life expectancy is up to 20 years lower compared to non-Indigenous people. word teachers Sand Talk: How Indigenous Thinking Can Save The World by Tyson Yunkaporta land stewardship training 2025 book recommendations ( via tending alive ) some ways of honoring leading from the front in raising the next generation collaborative-collective-learning with fun as the priority slow-paced-deep-connection-groups share income with local Indigenous Peoples volunteer with local Indigenous projects develop relationships with local Indigenous Peoples continue self-education through reading / listening / communing honoring wisdom / messaging from the land whenever possible honor the messy process of change / healing / growth / progress e.g. not finishing this list until i have space to do so with joy / enthusiasm live the life of your dreams 24.03.2026 31.03.2026 first frogs peep / 26

Starlight I play with it in my fingers Weaving my hands through shafts of night Feeling the heavens warm sigh Seeing twinkles of starlight Reaching with all my might Knowing what it is and that I do it despite I cannot hold it Starlight 24.03.2026 07.06.2026 year of first bloom

there once was a forest where trees had trunks of many, twining together to form a larger whole. their bark was thin and curled off in delicate ribbons of paper. their branches stretched outwards and upwards in intricately winding shapes. their leaves were many shades of green that savored every drop of sunlight. their flowers were fragrant and their petals stirred in the quietest whisper of a breeze. these trees bore heavy fruit, and many delighted in their harvest, for they took much time to grow. there was a tree in this forest who had less branches than the others. whose trunk had long hollows. whose bark revealed ripe flesh. whose leaves caught sunlight and whose flowers bloomed brightly and who bore heavy fruits. a tree who took much time to grow. The Tree. 24.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. look, i have made you something. it is a small and silly thing. The Raven held aloft an unblemished white stone, pearlescent in the fading glow of sunset. The Tree nestled the stone in the crook of a branch, where they could admire it together. thank you for sharing with me. The Raven ruffled their feathers. it is a small and silly thing. a breeze shook the branch and the stone fell to the forest floor. its white surface cracked and yellow began thickly oozing out onto the leaves and dirt. The Tree tinkled a laugh. my, look at that. thankfully it was a small and silly thing. The Raven ruffled their feathers. it was. The Raven flew off. The Egg. 24.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. The Tree swayed in the breeze. i have been a bad tree. The Raven cocked their head. there are no bad trees. only trees that bad things have happened to. The Tree held forwards a stump of a branch. there were many stems of bright green, some smaller, some larger. look, i am healing. The Tree gestured towards the ground beneath where there were many other branches. these were gnarled and rotted with disease and age. they cast dark shadows where they lay. and some of my branches are still sickly. i do not want one to fall on you. The Raven ruffled their feathers and held their wings aloft. i am The Raven. i have traveled to many lands. i have seen all the colors of the rainbow. i have seen many trees and many other things besides. i have lived through many battles and i have healed all my wounds. i know how to take care of myself. i am not afraid. The Raven flew off. The Branches. 24.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. there were many petals drifting in the breeze. skʷaqʷ – your petals are drifting in the breeze. tell me you are as you need to be. The Tree shook a branch gaily. many more petals floated away. of course. The Raven flew off. The Petals. 24.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. the color of your flowers tells me which are ready for me to drink from. The Tree stretched their branches wide. i do not know what color my flowers are. The Raven took their familiar perch. i will help you. i have seen all the colors of the rainbow and more besides. trees flowers have nectar when they are pink. that is when they are ready for me to drink from. The Tree wrapped The Raven gently in their leaves. i did not know this. thank you for tending to me so carefully. The Raven hopped to a nearby flower. what color is this flower? The Tree’s branches swayed in the breeze. pink. The Raven dipped their beak in the flower and hopped to another one. what color is this flower? The Tree’s leaves rustled among one another. pink. The Raven dipped their beak in the flower and hopped to another one. what color is this flower? The Tree’s bark held dappled shadows in the sunlight. pink. The Raven dipped their beak in the flower and took their familiar perch. see. all of your flowers were ready. The Tree wrapped The Raven ever more gently in their leaves. of course. The Raven flew off. The Colors. 24.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

there once was a forest where ravens had flocks of many, nesting together to form a larger whole. their wings carried them far and wide across intricately winding lands. their talons were clever and their beaks aided in all manner of delicate creation. their feathers were many shades of black that absorbed every drop of moonlight. their voices were loud and rang out raucous good cheer. these ravens held great stories, and many delighted in their telling, for they took much time to learn. there was a raven in this forest who had flown farther than the others. whose flock was whole. whose talons were clever. whose feathers caught moonlight and whose voice called brightly and who held great stories. a raven who took much time to learn. The Raven. 24.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. i have something to tell you. The Tree swayed in the breeze. i care deeply for all you have to say. The Raven hopped around The Tree's canopy. skʷaqʷ – your leaves do not let in enough sunlight for me to feel warm. The Raven smelled The Tree's flowers. skʷaqʷ – your flowers are not wide enough for my beak to drink freely. The Raven took their familiar perch. skʷaqʷ – your branches are not strong enough for me to sit still in the wind. skʷaqʷ – skʷaqʷ – skʷaqʷ – you are not safe for me to nest in. there, i am done. The Tree wrapped their leaves gently around The Raven. of course. i have something to tell you too. The Raven perked up. i care deeply about all you have to say. The Tree parted their branches and The Raven basked in the sunlight. skʷaqʷ – i am listening. The Tree closed their flowers and The Raven breathed fresh air. skʷaqʷ – i am ready for you to share. The Tree sat still and The Raven nestled into their familiar perch. skʷaqʷ – i am here for you. The Tree wrapped their leaves ever more gently around The Raven. my bark is torn when you squeeze so tightly. you are a beautiful bird whose skʷaqʷ are powerful. The Raven ruffled their feathers. skʷaqʷ – i have traveled far and wide. i know how to grasp a branch. i do not know why you told me this. The Raven’s familiar perch on The Tree bore deep gashes. of course. The Raven flew off. The Bark. 24.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. The Tree stretched their branches high to the sky. look, i have made something. it is dear and precious to me as i have spent long hours learning its creation. The Tree held aloft a wrinkly ripened fruit, mottled in patchwork colors of a fading sunset. The Raven nestled the fruit in the crook of their beak, where they could admire it together. i care deeply for all you have to share. The Tree wrapped The Raven gently in their branches. of course. The Raven took their familiar perch and tore open the fruit in quick efficient strokes. its mottled surface ripped easily and bright juices flowed freely down the branches and bark. The Tree swayed in the breeze. how did you like my fruit? The Raven ruffled their feathers. a piece of its skin lodged in my throat. The Tree wrapped The Raven ever more gently in their leaves. of course. The Raven flew off. The Fruit. 24.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. the trees in my forest have thorns. The Tree wrapped The Raven gently in their leaves. i am glad i do not, otherwise i may prick you. you are quite a beautiful bird who does not deserve such things. The Raven took their familiar perch. your bark is so delicate. The Tree held their branches outstretched. i try to drop enough so you may make a nest if you wish. The Raven dipped their beak in a flower. your flowers are so fragrant. The Tree shook some petals free in the breeze. i try to always have some ready so you may drink nectar any time. The Raven ate of some fruit. your fruit is so delicious. The Tree reached their crown to the sky. i try to let them ripen slowly enough so you may have the best flavors. The Raven ruffled their feathers. The Raven flew off. The Thorns. 24.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. i want to drink of your nectar. The Tree wrapped The Raven gently in their leaves. and i want to give of my flowers. The Raven cocked their head at a flower. tell me this one is pink. The Tree bowed their crown. of course. The Raven dipped their beak in a flower. The Raven flew off. The Nectar. 24.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven and the Tree. 25.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. i am going to fly high into the sky. hold this string so i don't lose myself in the clouds. The Tree wrapped the string around one of their branches. i will hold you. The Raven flew high into the sky and drifted among the clouds out of sight. after a time they returned to take their familiar perch and found the string had come undone. skʷaqʷ – the string has come undone. you were meant to protect me. The Tree rustled their branches. i did. you returned here safely. The Raven flew off. The String. 25.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. no tree has held me so softly in many seasons. The Tree wrapped The Raven gently in their leaves. and no bird has tended to me so carefully. they spent long hours together, enjoying the small sounds of a day moving through its course. The Raven drifted to sleep and awoke some time later. i do not fall asleep with other trees. The Tree was oozing sap from many small wounds. i do not hold many birds. The Raven took their familiar perch. skʷaqʷ – you are hurt. i care deeply for you. let me help you. i have traveled far and wide, and i know how to tend to all manner of tree. The Tree bowed their crown. of course. The Raven flew off. The Middle. 27.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

there once was a forest where ravens had flocks of many, nesting together to form a larger whole. they had many gifts, and they went to great lengths to protect these, for there were many who sought to besiege their kind. their feathers they cloaked, in shadows and blackness, with careful intention and deep moonless path ends, knitted and knotted as only they knew, weaving and wefting, pale hints entwined. their talons and beaks were pointed and raking, thrilling of purpose and ready and waiting, to gouge watching eyes. their minds were cunning, sharpened on story, of slow trickles running and hard held glory, of woesome beguilements and tail feathers blue, artfully arranged against those who divide. their voices called, alarm and distress, raucously rallying great numbers abreast, travelling far from lands distant and wide. their wings they carried, each other to each other, strongly swiftly in vast billowed numbers, spiralling columns of fat beatsome noise, until finally finally from farflung flown clouds, looking together as one all around, downy, together, they finally found, together, aground, foes fleeing with pride. a tree stood alone in a forest, waiting for a nest. The Nest. 27.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. your trunk has many holes. this is not as trees should be. The Tree wrapped The Raven gently in their branches. your feathers are so neatly knit together. how can i become whole like you? The Raven ruffled their feathers. i did not say i would teach you. The Tree bowed their crown. of course. The Raven flew off. The Holes. 27.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. your leaves are rattling. The Tree held their leaves still. my leaves rattle because the wind blows cold at night. The Raven dipped their beak into a flower. my feathers catch every breeze, it is an odd time of year for cold winds. your petals are trembling. The Tree held their petals still. my petals tremble because of great movings of the earth. The Raven took their familiar perch. my bones are lighter than air and feel every vibration, what movings do you speak of? your fruits are shaking. The Tree held their fruits still. my fruits shake when they are ready to fall. The Raven ruffled their feathers. it is not yet the season for fruit to fall. this will not do. do not speak any more of these things, they unsettle me. The Tree bowed their crown. of course. The Raven flew off. The Leaves. 27.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

The Raven came to The Tree one day. your bark is dripping much sap. i have heard of trees who do this. drinking from flowers before they are ready makes them fall and leave sap behind. The Tree swayed in the breeze. my flowers often fall after i give you my nectar. The Raven dipped their beak into a flower. sap dropped into their feathers from above. skʷaqʷ – i do not like this. The Raven dipped their beak into another flower. sap dropped into their feathers from above. skʷaqʷ – this unsettles me. The Raven dipped their beak into another flower. sap dropped into their feathers from above skʷaqʷ – this will not do. The Tree wrapped The Raven gently in their leaves. my sap has run into your feathers. let us tend to them. The Raven took their familiar perch. skʷaqʷ – i know my feathers. they are as they should be. The Tree bowed their crown. of course. The Raven flew off. The Sap. 27.03.2026 05.06.2026 year of the beaver

timesharetime these sad hollow shells so full of color, sounds, people promising better, faster, more, faster, better to be here is the dream to be here is the dream smiling, laughing, waiting to be here is the dream chasing, grabbing, running to be here is the dream distracted disconnected disconcerted empty here is the dream to be. timesharetime 28.03.2026 07.06.2026 8/11/24

to love someone I see my face it looks different, now more feminine more me younger and older, too it glows it draws me in beautiful I see its beauty, now I didn’t know. —30/4/24 —30.4.24 —4/30/24 to love someone 28.03.2026 4/30/24

magnicious joy bright too bright (almost) the light tore its way out you can’t quite see the ragged edges but you can feel them if you hold them if you listen —4/30/24 —30/4/24 —30.4.24 magnicious joy 28.03.2026 4/30/24

enough I need no one, for I am here. I want nothing, for I am everything. Power flows through me. A river of force, cleansing and purifying, terrible in its strength. I feel empty, for I am at peace. I am strong enough. nine december twothousandtwentyfour —

David the rain falls in drops of pain person unknown features marred lines worn in pieces missing whole to broken perfect to flawed done flawed to perfect broken to whole gaps to fill scars to learn things to love things to earn the water paints a softer turn David 28.03.2026 year of first bloom

it is acknowledged the writing style you find here is often different listed are reasons of more / more / more depth each reason is enough / worthy / loved and together create a more complex whole 1. i like it 2. it's fun / joyful / pleasurable 3. ¿ why write when can poetry ? 4. using simple / plain / open / honest / sincere words lets me honor sacred truth / build trust / connect deeply / freely 5. slow down / smell the flowers 6. connects with more ideas / cultures / languages 7. "normal" ways of being hurt my highly sensitive / neurodivergent / autistic brain 8. "normal" ways of being come with many unspoken expectations that are toxic to my existence 9. writing how i want is a small / significant way of finding power / self / control within world systems that seek to kill me / my kind / all of us 10. any feelings of discomfort / difficulty / confusion you have are an opportunity for you to empathize with my daily lived experience 11. by breaking down complicated language into simple building blocks i am able to build complexity of ideas / experience / connection / ways of being as an antidote to the distance / disconnection / separation / wounds of our modern world 12. lets me live / breathe / write / embody the belief that all kinds of ways / beings / being have equal value 13. restores place-based-intimacy to a language with an ego-centric worldview baked right into the rules: capital "i" am obviously more important than lowercase "you" 14. pain brings clarity i acknowledge the writing style you find here is sometimes same-same to ways you may know it must be acknowledged this is done with intention in no way does navigating the waters of normal-speak lessen my ways / birthright / connection to the universe i am a translator / navigator / messenger / transrelator as a painter selects their brushes i select the mediums / styles which most suit the word-being i am connecting with / breathing life into all is done with honor and i am just a kooky human :) ( in october twothousandtwentyfive : changed "re-indigenizes / de-colonizes a language&#8230;" to "restores place based intimacy to a language&#8230;" ) a note on writing style 08.04.2026 07.06.2026 march 2025

us am love. us am the way. go to our people. building nothing alone. leave ego, a delightful friend, at the door. every thought is a being connecting. with practice, every thought will disappear. not empty, full. of everything. of connection. of oneness. every lack of thought is a lack of need for connection — merit of us am . we are one . i am that . you are me . i am you . this does not need to be thought about, this needs to be experienced. in the body. embodied. joyous divine sacred boundless interconnectedness. us do not need the teachings. us need the way. us am the way. and. us need our people. us / our / ours / we = i / my / mine / me "i" am deconstructing the narcissistic notion of self through embodied language. "i" am merely a collection of infinite beings, large / small. limbs, bones, organs, vessels, muscles, ligaments, tissue, cells, molecules, atoms, etc. if you are confused / worried about some behavior us am practicing, google it in the buddhist canon. there you will find answers. and perhaps more questions. us do not think ourselves special. us am not any better than anyone else. us have many flaws / weaknesses / limitations. us do not claim enlightenment or supernatural powers. us am aware of the sacred nature of life. us am aware YOU ARE SPECIAL. YOU are divine. YOU are sacred and contain all things. and. we are one. if you are sacred and contain all things, so do i . if you are divine, so am i . if you are special, so am i . us am merely more aware of these truths than many. and less aware of other truths than many, like how to protect one's sacred self. us am learning. us am solidifying / crystalizing / hardening. caterpillar => cocoon => butterfly.

what is beyond be yond be yond be yond what is gratitude grateful i is attitude what is attitude attaboy i is altitude higher and higher higher and higher moving beyond

us am in ever more stages of solidifying / crystallizing / grounding. us found peace prior to hospitalization however there was a tenuous grasp. there were many / many / many big / big / big feelings before / during / after. us moved through these feelings — rather — us let those feelings move through us. there was terror there was desolation there was clinging desperation. there was sorrow there was grieving there was utter condemnation. in letting them all out there became more space to let gratitude in. one by one the process wore their way through the mindbodyspirit like footsteps on stone stairways or fresh waters cutting ever deeper through land. at mountaintops on high or deltas of fertile ground, abundance grew. abundance of love of gratitude of connection to all things / beings / ways. radiant joy and peace and hope filled up every nook and cranny washed clean by the process. contentment in all moments / situations / circumstances. a great knowing of purpose of strength of limitations. a deep understanding of what to do and what not to do. an ever-increasing total surrender to the ways / wants / needs of the universe. a human life in service. and. now is the time to solidify / crystallize / ground even these. to hold a smile not on the face but in the heart. to wear love and peace and joy on the eye-unseen wavelengths of the mind. this too is the process. just as sadness or woe or anger need not consume nor define one's actions, so too must delight and kindness and compassion be held comfortably without craving need to express. ¿ what lies beyond gratitude and love and expression of thanks ? silence. silently acting in ways defined by the choice to act in service of the universe. for just as it is not always the time to express angry thoughts, it is not always appropriate nor healing nor kind to express praise / love / joy. ¿ and what lies beyond silence ? nothing. the great void of all-being all-knowing all-loving nothingness.

feelings lie in the body what lies beyond feeling silence blessed silence without need for names without need for sayings is knowing knowing is not in the mind knowing is in the body ¿ what happens when the mind aligns with what the body knows ? silenced blessed silence ¿ what happens to all those messy beautiful delightful desiresome feelings when the body knows how to hold them ? silence blessed silence

oldest version at bottom ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ changed order for better flow / respect of attention clarified atmosphere ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Skylark Cafe & Club | Live Music | Scratch Kitchen (amazing) | (21+) free parking behind building, block from 50 / 125 / H lines host for next week's event volunteered before end ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Conversations with our Creations" Logistics: thursdays at ___________ skylark cafe / club (21+) amazing homemade food + full bar show up anytime before 9pm even if just for 5 min :) open invite Bring: accomodations to enable calm, curious listening one of your creations safe to share to a diverse audience Atmosphere: warm, open, loving connect with creatives through exploring more than performing appreciation for coursgeous act of sharing our artistic selves — imperfection is beautiful / encouraged Flexible Format: basically, two people chat about one of their creations and explore it from multiple angles thus co-creating a new, living, breathing "performance art" for other interested attendees opportunities to rotate around and mingle / meet ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ as a friend who's been through similar experiences id recommend bringing something that focuses on the good in your life instead of processing the darkness ive got plenty of darkness to share too lol but it often provokes disconnect unless with a very specific audience ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "conversations with our creations" – thursdays 6:30 pm at skylark cafe / club. ill be there by 6. amazing homemade food and full bar bring one of your creations who you feel comfortable sharing with an audience. messy is good, imperfection beautiful, and flaws encouraged a warm, open, loving space to connect through exploring our art together format: basically, two people chat about one of their creations and explore it from multiple angles thus co-creating a new, living, breathing "performance art" for other interested attendees bring whatever you need to feel calm in a space with more listening than talking opportunities to rotate around and mingle / meet no rush no late no time too small. open invite to receptive ears ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "conversations with our creations" – thursdays 6:30 pm at skylark cafe / club. ill be there by 6. amazing homemade food and full bar bring one of your creations who wants some love. messy is good, imperfection beautiful, and flaws encouraged a warm, open, loving space to connect with each other through exploring other folks' art. showing up is more than enough ( every artist needs an "audience" after all tehe ) format: basically, two people chat about one of their creations and explore it from multiple angles thus co-creating a new, living, breathing "performance art" for other interested attendees bring whatever you need to feel calm in a space with more listening than talking rotate around and mingle / meet as you are able no rush no late no time too small. open invite ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ putting on a creatives gathering thurs but in a bar over time helping it become sekf sustaining so i dont have to go every week youre definitely invited just pretty sure kids not allowed ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "conversations with our creations" gentle creative space to share and learn about each other by [optionally] sharing context about our works participatipn of any kind welcome, dont need to share. listening / being a receptive audience is just as important / brave as displaying format is a flexible structure that will be better explained in person but basically is the creator and another human have a chat about the creation to explore from multiple angles thus co-creating a new, living, breathing "performance art" for the other attendees no rush no late no time too small. skylark cafe 6 ill be there to "officially" start at 6:30 opdn invite oh bring an art piece youve made lol. messy is good, imperfection beautiful, and flaws cherished ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ putting on a creatives gathering thurs but in a bar over time helping it become sekf sustaining so i dont have to go every week youre definitely invited just pretty sure kids not allowed ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "conversations with our creations" – thursdays 6:30 pm at skylark cafe / club. ill be there by 6. amazing homemade food and full bar bring one of your creations who wants some love. messy is good, imperfection beautiful, and flaws encouraged a warm, open, loving space to connect with each other through exploring other folks' art. showing up is more than enough ( every artist needs an "audience" after all tehe ) format: basically, two people chat about one of their creations and explore it from multiple angles thus co-creating a new, living, breathing "performance art" for other interested attendees bring whatever you need to feel calm in a space with more listening than talking rotate around and mingle / meet as you are able no rush no late no time too small. open invite conversations with creations 19.04.2026 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ in honor of the messy authentic process of a "conversation with a creation" aka living in ways that feel good to our bodies and land, here are the first invites i sent out i keep my focus on: clarity of expectations (aka what a thing IS vs ISNT); failing forward within my strengths; receiving&hellip;

5CatalaNo 05.06.2026 08.06.2026 quatre abril 2026

two little birds, happy as can be though i didn't listen then, now it's time to see flyin all their lives, just to visit me if they could lift a stone, they would set me free home is not a place, it's reality with lungs they breathe our air, set in destiny singin for their lives, singin for the trees those little birds, know who they can be in fightin for our selves, we lose our righteous light surrounded by our shells, kept from seein right humble homes we dig, deep inside the ground where we all die, alone but alone is not a place, it's reality breathe your precious breath, know what it's like to be held here together, held here far from home we all find, down down down down down quiet -- is not fear stillness -- holding dear laughter -- in good cheer love love love love love two little birds, happy as can be though i didn't listen then, now my eyes can see flew right through space and time, just to visit me they can lift a stone, and they will carry me how quickly we have grown into the unknown how quickly we have grown surrender what we know

the above was rewritten 2/3/26 from journal without knowing original typed below existed Spoken to a foreigner by a city citizen – it’s here for now idk {originally at bottom of Taryn and Faye) The Changing Market – 5/23/2017 Locals liked to say you could not search the market for anything but aggravation, or patience. But to go inside looking for any specific item wa a fool’s errand. It wasn’t that you couldn’t find it – just the opposite in fact. There was bound to be countless stalls with just the thing you needed. And therein lay the problem. No respectable Telsori citizen would make their purchase at the first vendor they saw; with no broader information on the state of the market and the demand of the item you could do nothing but guarantee a loss in your subsequent haggling. And so, you move on, maybe after getting your feet wet with that first stall-keeper, both of you knowing you won’t actually buy anything, but enjoying it regardless. You venture further in, stopping here, stoping there, looking for anything else that may be on the list as well. And – finally! – there’s another person selling that first item! Now, two sellers still isn’t so many to draw a conclusion from, but let’s just imagine you’re satisfied. But, what’s that? The first place had better prices? You simply can’t stay here and buy it with the knowledge of a better deal hanging over your head, so now you have two choices: go back or go on. You attempt to go back. You make your way, slowly trying to take the most direct path, but you quickly realize your mind has been so oversaturated with the throng of people, goods, and sensations that you can’t exactly remember where it was. Or, even if you’re humble enough to precisely time your steps, you cannot rely on any landmarks to guide you; stalls are constantly opening and closing with the time of day and mood of the keeper. So, you’re back to looking for your item. It seems a simple enough task, if perhaps a bit annoying, but every time you find your item once more it is inexplicably more expensive than the price you’re now holding yourself to. You look at me skeptically, how can this be true? I don’t rightly know. Maybe it’s the market playing tricks on you, maybe it’s some reaction of the mind to miss details when you focus so intently on a table surrounded by so much chaos – so you just walk right by what you’re searching for. I don’t know, but it’s true. Test it yourself if you like, though a fool you’d be to need your own experience for wisdom. ‘But what if you went on from that second stall,’ I see you ready to ask – and a good question it is, not that it matters. It is the same. No matter how hard you try, or perhaps because of , the market will defy you. Of course everyone gets lucky sometimes, but I’m talking about the grand scheme of things here. So, the answer is simply – don’t try. Do not enter with lists, or expectations, or desire. Enter with an open mind, let the subtle consciousness of the market permeate the spirit, lose yourself in it, and a gentle awareness will overtake you. You will feel in your gut whether a purchase is right, for the market will present you with what you need – often contrary to what you thought. I tell you this from my experience and others. Do not fight the nature of the Changing Market. Just let go. (monks have shown to be the best?) The Living Market. 07.06.2026 20.06.2026 23.5.2017 / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

The basis of her life was a rational impossibility to the world at large. If she had ever had a desire to tell someone, they would have laughed in her face and thrown her out the nearest door for heresy. Even altercations with Order members were unheard of. Despite the general, head-shaking acknowledgement of their lunatic zealotry, mages remained venerated subjects of the Gods; people would hit their child before they laid hands on one of these holy divines. And when even a novice could wield very-real, godlike power, it was all too easy to forget they had the same flesh and blood as anyone else. Sure, ask around and anyone could tell you a story they’d heard of one horrible accident or another involving this or that Order member. Training gone wrong. A Guerre taken too far. Lack of supervision at a build site. It could be any number of things, but incidents within the Orders were self-caused and self-contained. And, usually, self-repaired — by the squad of Abjurors standing by at any magical event, just in case. But, the circumstances invariably involved magic. Everyone knew only magic could hurt the magic users. She knew differently. ***** Her first had been accidental. More or less. It was a dreary time in the city, the air thick with unseasonable humidity. Dark grey clouds had loomed in the sky for days; angry and full of blustering promise, they spoke of rain and cleared air but the longer they lingered the worse the mood of the city became. Desperate for a breeze she had taken to the city walls, and found the rest of the city doing the same. Crowds like these normally meant a parade was taking place in the city proper, with all the typical fanfare and jubilation. The surge of humanity would press against each other in a mass of sweat and grime, becoming one organism of barely contained festivity. Today was much the same, less the distracted tolerance of unavoidable body contact. Half the population fought with tooth and nail towards positions at the parapets for their chance at cool relief, while the other half fought, perhaps even more desperately, to escape upon realizing there was no relief to be found. The air hung still and dead, only serving to make one more aware of the hot, damp skin of increasingly irritable men and women. Despite the crowd, she decided to remain at the edge of the wall. Seeing the wide expanse of uncultivated land in the distance calmed her. It was a familiar view, as she came up here often to escape the bustle of the city below — to forget where she was. She had lived here all her life yet had never felt truly at home. Even as a child she hadn’t quite fit in. Her father used to tell her stories; he had tried his best to incorporate her with the other children, to instill his sense of community in her, but, inevitably, she would be found playing alone, secluded. Eventually, he gave up trying to fit his square peg into the round hole. She didn’t cause trouble, she was pleasant and helpful. She seemed happy. So he let her be. And these days she was happy. Happy enough, anyways. She had a couple good friends. She ate well and exercised. She always showed up on time for her work-shift at the local ordinance. She had a steady job, and she even liked it most days. She was a productive member of society. But when her mind was lost in thought after a long day’s labor and she wasn’t paying attention to her feet, she would inexplicably find herself staring at the first, smooth block of stone that began the long staircase leading to the walls. It was one of the few originals, unmoved and unmarred by the recurring attacks on the city that dotted the history books. A stolid stone, worthy of her respect. She would place her weight on it and begin to climb. Step by step her thoughts would diminish and her mind would grow clearer until by the time she reached the top, all that left was a feeling of empty wholeness. It was serene. *** Imagery *** Sometimes, when she looked down, it would call to her. It spoke in a soft whisper, almost trying to be unheard. Jump . She wasn’t sure why it happened. She wasn’t even sure if it came from the wall or it came from her. But she never did jump, and she knew she never would. Just another voice to ignore. Not that she needed an enigmatic voice to give her any advice today. She existed in a haze of heat and fleeting thought, her mind dominated by the knowledge that a blissful rush of cool air could be found in a simple jump away. And each drop of warm sweat from another human’s body drove her slightly closer to the edge in a very literal sense; any farther on the wall and she would no longer have a choice in the matter. Just as she finished her latest round of lazy, longing contemplation she felt the smallest plop of cool water land on her shoulder. Her gaze slid down to it, incredulous “Was that… rain?” “Don’t you fuckin play with my heart, missy,” a man to her left growled. Was there a tiny splash there amongst the beads of sweat that had been a permanent fixture for the last week? It didn’t look so. But she had felt it. She gently touched her fingertips to the spot. “I think it was rain.” “What’d I just tell you, eh? You think we’re all just standin here lookin for a quick fuck or somethin?” Her hand drifted out in front of her of its own accord. It hung there in the space beyond the wall, upturned in plea, beseeching the sky. “How come I aint feelin any? You think you’re better than me? Fuck you!” The voice turned away, talking to someone else. “This fucker says there’s rain. Fuck her.” He suddenly yelled, “Don’t you fuckin touch my arm!” She could vaguely hear the sounds of a scuffle starting next to her as the man started thrashing about. Another plink of cool water landed on her forearm. “I think it was rain.” There was shouting from all around now. Like so many delicate drops of water in a glass, the tempers of the city people had long ago risen above the surface in a bubble of anger threatening at any point to spill over. They had only been held together by a fragile tension that had somehow been able to withstand one more hour, and another, and another. But this man’s heedless outrage had been too much. With explosive fury, it overflowed now, spreading from person to person in an ever-building wave. Looking down, she saw wet spots appear on the stone before her. She felt it splash her hands. She lifted her face to the sky as the crowd surged violently around her. “It’s raining.” Raindrops were visible as quick grey lines against the dark clouds above. She closed her eyes and felt them on her skin, washing away the monotonous dust of the days past. A wild sense of joy overcame her and she broke out in a wide smile. Laughing, she gripped the stone barrier and pressed her body against it, no longer noticing the presence of the crowd. The sounds of delighted cries let her know other citizens had begun to realize as well. *** ***crowd goes crazy in rain ***rain gets like BAD man ***people frantic to get off wall *** She was jostled to the side by someone on her right, now squeezed against the battlements and a man on her left. As she turned towards them, someone else’s body flew into her back and knocked her off balance. The wall came rushing towards her chest in a sharp instant and she felt all the breath rush from her lungs. She doubled over the edge of the barricade and clutched desperately for purchase at the slick stone, frantically trying to avoid becoming part of the scenic view she had so admired earlier. Her hands slapped down hard and managed to hold on firmly, desperately. She steadied herself, breath still coming in harsh rasps. A scream came from the left and she saw someone careen over the wall, not so lucky as her. Unable to look away, she watched as they fell faster and faster downwards, growing closer and closer to the widening base of the wall. The scream rose again in volume as they made inevitable contact, sliding along the harsh rock. After a moment the person continued past the bottom of the wall, to where the cliff face began. “Don’t hit, don’t hit, don’t hit” she prayed to herself with increasing urgency, but groaned aloud as the body ricocheted suddenly off a rock jutting outwards and began pinwheeling freely in the wet air. The sounds of their screams faded amongst the background noise, and she could barely make out the rustle of green branches as the form fell into trees far below, shrouded by curtains of rain. She couldn’t hear a crash. She remained leaning over the wall staring at the spot in disbelief. The person was simply gone. It was like they had never existed. She glanced over to where they had fallen from the wall and caught sight of a dark smear, about half-way down, very near to where they had…. She reeled backwards, pushing her body off the stones. Her breath came ragged and wild. The Woman Who Did Not Exist. 07.06.2026 20.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Teacher: “What is the first step for any piece of Abjuration?” Student(s): “Creating a Zone of Control.” T: “An important step, yes, but not the first. Any other takers? No? Sheepish lot we’ve got here. Well. The first step for any piece of Abjuration: knowing what you want. What’s the point of going through the effort of focusing to impose your will upon the world, without any end goal in sight? Your time and energy will be wasted and, thus, the time and energy of those relying on you will be wasted. It is in everyone’s best interest, including your own, to know what you want. Shape your Idea before your Zone. No, you won’t be able to successfully perform your magic with either one of these things, but at least the former will only ever be a waste of thought, as opposed to thought and energy alike. “Can anyone tell me why we need an Idea?” S: “Without an Idea, the magic won’t know what to do?” T: “That’s about as dumb as it could be put, but you’re not wrong. Or at least, you wouldn’t be wrong IF you had made a statement. You, however, proposed a question. And the answer to that question is: I will not tolerate questions as answers. You will answer my questions with answers, and I will return that respect. Your answers may be incorrect at times, and that is perfectly acceptable; such is the way of life. How else are we to determine truth if we at first do not find an-untruth? But I will not allow half-answers, questions, to be used in order to shirk responsibility and live in fear of being wrong. Is that understood?” S: “Yes, Teacher.” T: “Good, I will not repeat it again. So, you have your Idea. Why then do we need a Zone?” S: “Because we need a place for the magic to act.” T: “Thank you for your answer. Partially true. We do need a place for the magic to act, but the underlying reason is because we need to establish a connection. This is a universal truth of all magics. Without a connection, we cannot move the world. All our planning, our thought, our focus, our careful preparation, our training, all of it useless if the world does not know what part of it we touch. And, so, we create our Zone. Our Zone of Making. For that is what we do, we Make whole what is not. But the whole Idea of ‘whole’ is subjective, and so we have Control.” Teacher. 07.06.2026 08.07.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Distaste “Schedule for today, Lylis?” His undersecretary pulled out his itinerary. She briefly cleared her throat before listing the items, as she did every day. An annoying habit. “8:00 am, itinerary review.” She smiled to herself before continuing, as she did every day. How can she possibly find that same dull joke funny, every damn time? Is it her sense of humor that’s wanting or her memory?” “8:15, meeting with the board members.” Never before have I had the displeasure of experiencing a group of people whose girth was so proportional to their idiocy. And every time I see them they’re larger than before! Is it some sort of competition? Do they think they’re seals, measuring their weight in…. weight? Who could possibly be impressed by this lot. The best that can be said for them is that they’re punctual. However that’s probably just a result of their implicit desire to consume every last scone before I arrive. I haven’t eaten since yesterday afternoon. “9:30, meeting with general management. 10:55, firing of Overseer Mandarn. Poor man, I heard his wife had a baby last week. Fifth child you know. How they managed before, I don’t have a clue, and now… well let’s just say I’m glad I’m not the one in that meeting, eh? Where was I… 11:00, progress review on the Project for Body Dispersal. 12:00, lunch with Divinus of Alchemy, Ponimus Firth. Do not read name aloud.” Fucking intolerable. Why on Earth haven’t I had her removed from her position yet? Or better yet, removed from this state of so called life. Alas, her father is the Vice President of the Fisherman’s Guild. Pitiful excuse for a man. Earth knows he’d love any reason to poke his nose into my business, or anyone’s for that matter. He currently has no excuse, and I’d like to keep it that way. So I put up with his ilk. At least she’s prettier than he is, which isn’t saying much. Thin lips grew tight as Staphin allowed himself a small smile. Imagine her stretched out on a table, manacles locking her limbs in place. Her neck and head held firm by a series of rough ropes. Eyes wildly flicking back and forth, unable to see anything but the stained cement above her. Body quivering, trembling. She would be shaking, no doubt, if her constraints allowed for it. The scent of fear in her sweat. Poor girl, she pissed herself. And the work hasn’t even begun yet. Lylis pressed on, blissfully unaware of the thoughts echoing around the inside of her President’s gaunt head. “Oh! Silly me, what an absolute ducklin I can be sometimes. That’s what me Nan calls me, at least. Says I just plod along, following what’s in front of me, she says I’d walk right off a cliff! But there is that story about ducklins, ugly ducklins you know. So I’m alright with her lil pet name. Look at me go, just talk talk talkin. I could talk for hours. That’s another reason me Nan calls me ducklin! Won’t shut up she says! Anyways.” I can hear the faint swish of long cloaks sliding along the floor outside the door. Can she? Doesn’t seem so. Oh but she heard that, yes she did. That key is unlocking the door to your future, little Lylis. Not to imply that your future is leading to anywhere but your demise. As it is with us all. If there’s one thing to be said for the Takers, it’s that business is quite consistent; there are always people dying. Perhaps these alchemists will change that, but not for her. No, my dear, you have no hope. “2:30, ” Distaste v 2.0 Streams of sunlight began to work their way across Telsori City. They passed over [insert places in the city] The sunlight made its way up a brick wall in a nondescript building of the Business District. With timid fingers it began to pry at a small window, illuminating a carefully made bed. The covers were stretched tight across the thin, firm mattress and a pillow sat upright against the headboard. A round nightstand stood to one side of the bed, with only a black coaster placed perfectly in the center. Across from the nightstand the corner of the room was occupied by a closed closet door. Underneath the window a small dresser sat along the wall, still cloaked in the shadows of dawn. No trinkets or memorabilia adorned its surface. In fact, there was nothing to suggest that the room was in use at all, besides for the man standing at the foot of the bed. He was a very average looking man. His hair and eyes were of a common brown. His skin was pale with the slight golden glow that is only natural from being outside under the two suns. He was not too tall, nor too short. His build was middling. He was the kind of person easily disregarded and easily forgotten. Firm fingers adjusted the cuffs of his sleeves one last time, and the man stepped out of his room. He walked down the hall with a deliberate stride and pushed through the stairwell door. Methodical steps carried him up the three stories necessary to reach his work floor. The slightest sheen of sweat glistened on his brow as he walked to his office, shut the door behind him, and sat down at a ordinary looking chair behind an ordinary looking desk. Three light knocks sounded, and a woman opened the door. “I hope we’re having a great mornin so far Mister President Staphis, sir!” “Schedule for today, Lylis?” His undersecretary pulled out the itinerary. She briefly cleared her throat before listing the items, as she did every day. “8:00 am, itinerary review.” She smiled to herself before continuing, as she did every day. “8:15, meeting with the Undertaker board members. 9:30, meeting with general management. 10:55, firing of Overseer Mandarn. Poor man, I heard his wife had a baby last week. Fifth child you know. How they managed before, I don’t have a clue, and now… well let’s just say I’m glad I’m not the one in that meeting, eh? Where was I… 11:00, progress review on the Project for Body Dispersal. 12:00, lunch with Divinus of Alchemy, Ponimus Firth. Do not read name aloud.” Lylis laughed and and shook her head. “Oh! Silly me, what an absolute ducklin I can be sometimes. That’s what me Nan calls me, at least. Says I just plod along, following what’s in front of me, she says I’d walk right off a cliff! But there is that story about ducklins, ugly ducklins you know. So I’m alright with her lil pet name. Look at me go, just talk talk talkin. I could talk for hours. That’s another reason me Nan calls me ducklin! Won’t shut up she says! Anyways.” “2:30, “ [she finishes talking but it’s too hard to write all that] Lylis closed the door behind her. Staphin sat at his desk, hands splayed out on the surface. He waited for a moment before striding to the door and opening it slowly. He looked around at all the floor, already a scene of fervous activity. Men and women in suits briskly walked from office to office clutching papers and briefcases to their chests. The smallest of sighs escaped his lips. Deliberate fingers shut his door and locked it with a quiet click. Staphin gathered himself, and stepped into the flow of humanity. All swine. Staphin. 07.06.2026 20.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Introduction Montgomery Elias Enpersovo, Monty to his friends, was on the whole an unremarkable individual. Raised by parents of moderate means, both servants to the Aspect of Balance, Monty had learned to worship at a very early age. Living in the Totemic District however offered a rather unique perception of the Gods for Monty, for it was this district that spirit met commerce. On the fringes of the Hallowed and just shy of the Willow and Tailsworth districts lies the small and proud Totemic. Here worshipers of the Gods meet the worshippers of coin. Monty, like his family and neighbors, was equally involved in the Temple of Balance as he was his family’s profession. Locals of the Totemic believed the Gods created each of them for the sole purpose of working with their hands. If you were not skilled enough in your trade, or feared the Gods enough, you were not staying in the Totemic for very long. Gunther Enpersovo and his wife Marida were fletchers by trade and jointly operated the Enpersovo Fletchery. It was from his parents that Monty gained a love for archery. As early as he could remember, Monty would return from the Temple every morning with his parents and watch for hours as they worked their craft. Where Gunther was masterful in his trade, Marida was a genius. Sure as the suns would rise, Marida would return from her morning stroll to the Cutter’s each day with a load of various types of wood in her muscled arms. Fresh pine, springy yew, tough witchwood and fragrant ash amongst others. Through the day Marida carved out the most exquisite bows, working in such deceptively delicate features one could easily misjudge the raw power of the weapon. The young Monty was always fascinated with the art, trying his own hand at carving a bow. His first attempts were atrocious, a mockery of what his parents created in a fraction of the time and so he was put to work whittling arrows. Young as he was, no older than seven summers, Monty worked hard to the point he could nearly replicate the impossibly straight shafts his father churned out by the quiver full. At the age of twelve, Monty still hadn’t grown past his father’s naval. Gunther and Marida could not figure why, both being of more than average height and build the boy should at least be rivalling his mother by now. It would seem the only thing Monty had inherited physically from his parents was his mother’s vibrant red hair. By sixteen, Monty was a slim youth still a head shorter than his father with a shot of messy fire red hair resting stop his head. As he grew though, Monty’s arms would take on a sinewy quality and his chest muscles would fill out from years of archery practice. Trusted by his parents, Monty would test each new bow on the range behind their small one-story home. Before every shot though, he’d marvel at his mother’s craftsmanship and his father’s decades of experience engraved into each of their creations. Selling each masterpiece, well below what they were worth to meet guild standards, was heartbreaking to Monty. His parents never seemed to mind though, smiling warmly and thanking the customer as they handed over their hard work for a pittance. Monty’s resentment for the well-organized and brutally efficient guilds only grew as he aged. Monty was a watcher, always had been, ever since he was young and peered through the rafters from his loft bedroom above the shop his parents conducted business. He’d marvel at the myriad of customers who stepped through the longbow crossed portal that marked the entrance to the Enpersovo Fletchery. While servants of lords and ladies were commonplace, sometimes he’d witness hooded strangers and even high ranking military officials chatting with his parents. Their complicated uniforms and beautiful ornate armor dazzled the young boy, but it was the men in these uniforms that impressed him the most. Their rigid jaw lines shaved to perfection and sculpted muscles showed clearly through the crimson doublets they wore when not adorned in armor. He wanted to be strong just like Lord Commander Keerin, the imperious general of the realm’s army who was said to wield the greatsword Vires with one hand. While most boys his age were beginning to discover the mysterious allure of the fairer sex, Monty found himself further idolizing the powerful men who did business in his parents shop. He first saw Lord Commander Keerin on the eve of his twelve nameday, the summer sun only just starting to fade along the northern reaches. The impossibly tall man dwarfed the boy, nearly twice his height and had to crouch ever so slightly to enter the shop. Monty was carefully carving the shaft of the dozenth arrow that day when he heard the deep voice of the commander call for his parents. Setting down the half whittled arrow and his knife Monty crawled over to the edge of his loft and peered down. The last shipment of military-grade longbows had been delayed when Keerin’s sergeant in charge of deliveries was found drunk in one of the local pubs, failing to meet the deadline for pick-up. The sergeant was mysteriously missing from the ranks and now here Keerin was to finish the job himself. The Lord Commander was schooled in the ways of the aristocracy, but was raised from a low-born family as a squire. He was unerringly polite and the Enpersovos were always pleased to do business with the man. Monty was smitten, to say the least, and made it a point to see more of the man in the coming months. Temple acolytes were trained in body as well as spirit at the Temple of Libra. When Monty was not in Temple with Prior Magdus studying the Analects of Balance, he was in the courtyard with Armsmaster Jarl training. Monty vastly preferred the latter not only because he got to impress his fellow acolytes with his aptitude for archery, but also because from the courtyard he could see the Citadel’s training ground where Lord Commander Keerin ran drills with his officers. Each day he’d watch Keerin tirelessly train his men, suffering the sweltering heat of the Telsori suns but never once breaking while others toiled. Monty was fascinated by how his body moved, so powerful and yet impossibly graceful. Keerin was Monty’s motivation, his hero, the boy worshipped the Lord Commander for his strength and poise. Monty was thirteen and still attending Temple study when he met Auoan Pyri. It wasn’t a rare occurrence for the Temple acolytes to associate with the Academy students, often their studies overlapping in the botanical gardens outside the city proper. It was at one such lesson that he first saw the tall and wiry apprentice mage. In what Monty would later recognize as classic Auoan fashion, the boy was far more concerned with trying to catch the female students’ eyes than he was with listening to their batty plant-loving lecturer. Monty couldn’t help but smile to himself as Auoan produced a white flower for the fairest of the group, only to be scolded loudly in front of everyone by the lecturer for clipping from the garden master’s private collection. While it seemed the girls of the academy tolerated Auoan at best, none of the boys stood by him or did their lessons together. Monty realized rather quickly that the boy had few, if any friends. He felt a certain camaraderie in this, for Monty never quite got along with the other boys in Temple, for in the end he always preferred to observe from afar than actually attempt to make contact with them. Auoan was different; something about him drew Monty in and made him want to listen to the young mage’s life story, and Auoan was more than willing to share it. Their friendship took off immediately, both incredibly relieved to find someone in Telsori City who they could confide in. After classes each day the two met up in the Roaringwell District, Auoan informing Monty of the latest failed attempt for what’s-her-face’s affection and Monty laughing and consoling the ever heart-broken lad. It wasn’t for nearly a year that Monty finally felt comfortable enough to tell Auoan how he felt about Lord Commander Keerin, but when he did he found his friend didn’t quite understand. Auoan too admired the realm’s Lord Commander, recognized the man’s strength and agreed he was an excellent role model. There was nothing more to say on the topic and so Auoan continued chatting on as usual. Monty couldn’t help but feel disappointed, though what did he expect? It’s not as if Auoan could read his mind and he wasn’t exactly being forthcoming. Unfortunately, this was enough for Monty to close himself off from Auoan on the topic, for as their friendship grew so did Monty’s affections. Monty always possessed a distinct advantage over the other recruits when it came to archery. Being raised in a fletchery did little in the way of preparing Monty for the rigors of combat training, but he was a damn fine archer. While other students were struggling consistently hitting the targets provided by the Order, Monty was encouraged to test out of rudimentary drills by his superiors. Many of the men and women who presided over their early morning shooting practice were active members of the Order’s reserves and thus at least members of the Devout. Twice a month one of Ahura’s Ascended would oversee a morning of training for the recruits and evaluate the Devout on rotation for that day. These mornings were the most stressful for the recruits as this was when they were pushed the hardest. It was one of these such mornings that Monty caught the eye of Ervin Farshot, mortal conduit to the goddess Ahura. While it was not uncommon for recruits to bring their own equipment, it’s never long after joining that most students trade out their family’s old, worn hunting bow for an Order requisition. The bow that Monty used was made from scratch, from the witchwood sapling body to the wyvern gut drawstring, entirely by himself. Every night before he slept Monty maintained his beloved weapon, lacquering and oiling until he was faint from the alchemical fumes. It’d be impossible to work with anything less than a perfectly maintained bow, Monty was taught to have a higher standard than that. It was with this bow of his own creation that Monty was unloading a quiver full of arrows into the center of a target 100 yards away, the cluster dense with little noise. His mind was far away while he did it, the motions coming to him naturally as he fell into a rhythm of nock, draw, release, nock, draw, release. Others nearby had stopped their own practice to watch, muttering softly at first, but louder and louder with every arrow. A few of the Devout noticed the disturbance and had begun to march across the courtyard to maintain order, only to find themselves falling in to watch as well. It wasn’t long before Ervin Farshot and his assistants came across the growing crowd around Monty. Ervin’s assistants shouldered recruits and Devout alike away to make room. All eyes were on Monty now as he fired the last arrow from his quiver. With the exact same tempo and quiet determination he used for every other shot, the final missile soared across the courtyard and collided with the densely packed cluster of arrows already embedded in the target. The sound of wood breaking was the only noise that could be heard as Monty lowered his bow, looking around and noticing the crowd for the first time. Slowly at first, as if awakening from a trance, the gathered recruits started to shuffle away, heads shaking and muttering all around. Monty watched them go, the Devout seeming more hesitant to turn as they noticed Ervin was making no motion to leave. “What’s your name, boy?” Ervin waved his assistants away as he stepped up to a very nervous looking Monty. A heartbeat passed, two and Monty still could not find his tongue. Suddenly he felt like he had no idea what to do with his hands and started to fidget with his bow, but palms had become slick with sweat and he dropped his bow by accident. Ervin’s eyes softened as he cleared his throat and waited for Monty to pick his weapon back up. “Monty, sir..Er, Master Conduit, sir.” Though you couldn’t easily tell, Ervin smiled beneath his thick, full beard. Along with his beard, Ervin’s hair was dense and wavy, dark blond with thin veins of gray. His eyes were bright and piercing, locking in Monty’s gaze with their intensity. For a man well into his middle years Ervin was still lean and strong and his Order vestments clung closely to his powerful arms. “May I see that, Monty?” Ervin patiently held his hand out towards Monty and eyed the witchwood bow he was gripping tightly. Monty’s brain wasn’t working at its normal speed however and it took another moment before his eyes too came to rest on the weapon. “My bow, sir?” Ervin nodded. He was the type of man who smiled just as much with his eyes as he did his mouth. Monty offered the bow up to his superior, stepping back immediately and contemplated his empty hands, of which he still could not seem to find a place for. Ervin turned his attention from the nervous boy to the bow and began to examine the weapon. Monty. 07.06.2026 20.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Sober “Yes, sir.” The great mess of stringy white hair and sagging skin vaguely nodded before the awful ponderous lecture began once more. The boy sat with hands folded politely in his lap with back straight in a perfect imitation of obedience and attentiveness, his gaze fixed upon the rheumy eyes of his master. While the young apprentice appeared every bit the diligent charge of the old wizard who rambled on and on about tradition, loyalty, honor and a number of other exhaustively meaningless platitudes his mind was far away from the poorly lit study. It’d been three years since he was enrolled in the High Academy of Magick in Telsori City, having graduated from his understudies at an age most would only just be receiving their apprentice robes. He was fifteen years old, nearly 60 years his master’s junior and nameless. Officially he had left his name behind him when he first began studying magic, but that had been nearly a decade ago and only the faintest whisper of it remained in his memories. To his colleagues and his tutors he was “boy”, or “Magus Initiate” or, his personal favorite, “devilkin” though the last was never said to his face. He had gained quite the reputation at the Academy from his seemingly impossible climb through the class ranks, now seated comfortably in second behind a sixth year Magus. On paper he could not be recognized as a Magus, since that flimsy honor could only be granted to fourth year students, though even more typically on fifth years. The boy cared little for titles and even less about the opinions of his fellow Initiates, he lived only for the magic he practiced every day. The thrill of it! The raw power of the arcane rested in his hands, ready to be molded and shaped to his design. There was nothing quite like manipulating the forces of their realm to his will and discovering new mechanics of the physical world. If you asked him the boy would describe himself as an explorer, a brave traveler whose boundaries lay beyond the Twins. Yes he most certainly was a romantic, but few knew this side of him. His was a cold exterior, pragmatic and calculating with little room for dreaming. It was only in the privacy of his studies that he allowed himself to contemplate the more fanciful. Though his rigid posture and composed expression betrayed nothing, the boy was becoming increasingly impatient. This weekly lecture from his tired and senile master was drawing well past the usual hour it took for the old man to discuss some archaic prosaicism. Below the desk the boy began to idly flick his fingers, igniting small flames before quickly extinguishing them with a thought. His most recent studies had led him to what later generations would call Volatile Energy Conservation and Retention. Most magicks could only be performed with the aid of an energy sink, often a tome or scroll that had been processed to contain and manage overflow from spells cast by the Magus. What the boy was discovering however was that with proper control and rigorous training of the body he could retain some of the volatile remnants of spells and store the energy within his own body. Granted, the efficiency of the transfer was abysmal, but the concept itself possessed an enormous amount of potential for exploitation. He could barely maintain the façade for his master as his thoughts drifted to the next formulae he could experiment with. Researching High Magicks was a tricky business. The Academy was full of self-serving, glory-seeking men and women who would stab you in the back at the slightest chance of being the one to advance magickal understanding. Many government positions were reserved for only the most talented and accomplished Magus and with a government position came power and wealth. The boy had stumbled upon something truly novel and he had no plans to share any of this new knowledge until he was fully prepared. Everything he had learned up until now was dutifully recorded in a magickally sealed journal with an incantation to incinerate should anyone other than himself open it. The real trick though was all the contents of the journal would transfer to a second journal he kept far away from Telsori City. It paid to be cautious. Finally the old master’s lecture came to an end and he was dismissed back to his quarters. The boy made sure to give a low and respectful bow to the old bag before he exited the office. Without missing a beat he changed directions and headed towards the rental workshop he had reserved for the night. Energy still coursed through his veins and he had a lot of work to do tonight. He had already dropped off his journal and equipment in the workshop and had prepared a few necessary symbols on the floorboards. Ten minutes later the boy was surrounded by opened tomes, leafed at various points for quick reference. On the floor the chalk symbols were framed and perfected, ready for immediate use. Runeology was an incredibly important precursor before the study of the arcane, without the fundamentals a Magus Initiate could not hope to advance beyond even his or her first year. One smear, one errant connecting line and the energy carefully calibrated to course from tome to user would become unstable and therefore dangerous. The key to successful magick was attention to detail and confidence in preparation. The boy learned very early on in his career how pivotal thoroughness was, a lesson burned into him by stubborn and infinitely patient masters. Less Sober Now, nearly a fully initiated magus, the preparation into these experiments was like breathing to him. There were no windows in this workroom, just a plain plastered stone chamber with portions of the wall cut out for workbenches. Traditionally these rooms were used by entire classes of magus supervised by a mentor while performing alchemical experiments. For a small fee however one of these spaces could be removed from the class rotation and temporarily leased for personal endeavors. Between all of the equipment he had on loan from the university, the newly acquired tomes, all of his personal notes and the actual apparatus, the entire room was being occupied. As the door slammed shut the boy went straight to work, throwing the formal cloak he was expected to wear when meeting with Academy officials onto the nearest workbench. Beneath he only wore a light shirt and loose, flexible cotton trousers. There would be a lot of heat generated in this next experiment, a factor he had carefully considered when selecting a location. This was a very insulated part of the Academy, the stone walls set with a super dense alchemical plaster that absorbed heat better than most metals. He’d be feeling the heat, but surely no one else in the surrounding area would. He found his place right away, the page in his notes still open from where left off. The spell was quite simple and the virtual extent of its effect would be a small heat exchange. The effect was not of interest to him though, it’s mechanism though, its mechanism was everything. This was the culmination of all of his research for the past two and half years. If he could prove to the academic world that energy, in any amount, could be convoked and stored within an organic host without the aid of a static heat sink, he’d be immortalized. Scholars thousands of years from now would know his name, whatever that name might be. It had been his dream for so many years now, he couldn’t remember when he didn’t want this. After what seemed like a lifetime his face came alive with real, authentic joy. This was it. Seven hours later, dripping with sweat and body still tingling with the remnant energy of his last spell, the young mage retired for the night. Everything had gone exactly as he thought it would. The day, and the better part of the night, had been an unequivocal success. A bright spark of blue energy arced from the key in the young mage’s hand to the metal door handle as he went to lock the room up for the day. He caught the surprised gasp in his throat and looked quickly from side to side to see if there were any early risers in the hallway. Steadying his breath and letting his heartbeat return to a slow and even rhythm the boy twisted the key in the lock and strode out of the building. It was still morning when he first stepped back out into the streets of Telsori City. The Twins had only just begun to rise in the sky, much farther north than he last remembered he saw them&#8230;Had he really not been outdoors that long? He had taken to having his meals delivered to the workshop over the past few weeks, spending the nights curled up in the corner of the room in a makeshift bed of blankets he’d filched from the Academy infirmary just a few buildings over. With the Twins so far along their yearly journey across the sky it would nearly be the new year. The month long festival would surely be starting soon. He grumbled softly to himself as he trudged down the front steps, even thinking about those idiotic festivals made him grumpy. Having been raised from such a young age in the Academy he’d never been allowed out into the city during the new year festival and his only memories of this time of year were soured with tediously delayed carriage rides through the packed streets. Shaking his head he cleared his mind and set to finding a real bed. He felt suddenly exhausted and trudged the rest of the way back to the boarding rooms given to the boys of the Academy. So early in the morning the building was mostly empty and he didn’t run into anyone as he climbed the stairs and slumped into his room. He peeled off his sweaty clothes and didn’t bother to switch off the small alchemical lamp by his bedside before he drifted off into a deep and dreamless sleep. Arrogance The bolt of energy slammed into Auoan’s chest, throwing him off his feet and searing a hole through his robes and scalding his skin. A cry of pain escaped his lips. How could this be? None of this made sense. The other mage’s tome had been incinerated in the last flurry of spells, the pile of ash lying on the floor should have meant Auoan’s victory. “You’re weak. Weak like the rest of them.” Energy arched ominously between the fingers of the other mage’s outstretched hand, defying centuries of magickal understanding. Auoan’s watched as his opponent advanced on him through blurred vision, the pain from his chest forcing him to squint “Give me your tome.” Auoan’s hand instinctively went to his side where he kept his grimoire. After what he had learned and recorded from Iris the tome felt infinitely more valuable. This mage must be after the secrets of the Oracle, secrets he had promised to protect. “You can’t have it. I won’t let you.” A derisive smile crept onto the mage’s face. “Won’t let me? I think you misunderstand. That tome is leaving with me.” The arcing energy in the mage’s hand lashed out in a flash, seemingly unbidden as the mage’s lips never moved. Auoan muttered the word of protection and the energy careened off an unseen barrier that formed around him. The smile on the mage’s face vanished. Mages spent years and years of their lives studying singular fields of magick, learning the ways of a singular Order from the ground up. This was necessary if one ever decided to study Higher Magicks and many mages never bothered to study outside their selected field. It was unusual to see a mage with spells from more than one, perhaps two Orders. Auoan’s grimoire contained knowledge from six Orders. The words flowed from Auoan, more instinct than anything. The wooden floor beneath the other mage dissolved into a thick paste, alchemically bidden to obey. The rays of light streaming in from the windows in the ceiling took on a life of their own and bent to Auoan’s will, lashing to his opponent and binding his arms. Little Shit. 07.06.2026 08.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Character Introduction Iris opened her eyes as a cloud cast its shadow over her face. She stared into the whiteness, letting it consume her. Iris liked days like these, warm with a breeze that carried the smell of the sea. Suddenly invigorated, she leapt to her feet and sprinted through the pools of rainwater. If she cared to look she would have seen small flashes of incandescent greens and reds fluttering along beside her, butterflies the size of dinner plates. She would have seen the blue rock crabs scuttling frantically away from her feet, claws angrily in the air. She would have seen a purple starfish larger than her, its color matching the flecks in her light green eyes. She would’ve seen a multitude of things, but she had seen it all before and she was bored. As the wind blew short locks of brown hair into her face and her feet flew over the earth, almost without a sound, Iris pushed herself even harder. (hair something like this or this .) She ran simply to run, simply to feel the blood coursing through her veins. She angled her path and sprinted into the undergrowth, leaping over and dodging each new branch that suddenly appeared in front of her. Delicate looking hands grabbed the vines that hung between the trees, pulling her forward ever faster. She vaulted over a fallen tree in a front handspring, catapulting herself into the air and trusting her body to catch her when she fell. A tight roll as she landed hardly slowed Iris down, and she kept running. She threw herself at a vine, and started spinning wildly through the air. Somehow her feet found a firm purchase in the bark of a towering tree, and she was running again. Around and around the tree she ran, climbing higher with each step. She finally let go of the vine and wove her way in and out of the thinning branches. Beams of sunlight poured through the canopy above her, growing ever more focused as she ascended this magnificent tower only nature could create. The branches now twisted together, forcing her to slow her incredible pace, but her slender frame wove through them regardless and her head broke free of the darkness. Momentarily blinded, Iris made sure of her balance, and sprinted once more. Leaves exploded out from beneath her flying feet and birds erupted from their nests to scold her, but she was already gone. She ran through tufts of clouds that left their wet kisses on her cheeks, and the smell of rain in her nose. Onwards she ran, quickly approaching the edge of the forest. It advanced towards her, faster and faster, until there was only empty space beneath her. Iris contorted herself into a dive as the air rushed past her. It rapidly became apparent that the edge of the forest was also the edge of a sheer cliff thousands of feet tall, and Iris fell. She fell with eyes closed, the sound of the air drowning out her other senses until she could no longer tell she was falling. She let her body go limp and enjoyed the nothingness as a welcome change in scenery. Unwilling to accept that the fall would soon come to an end, Iris reluctantly spread her arms and rose out of her dive. She peered at the ground below and smiled as she saw her shadow. She could feel the essence of the falcon surrounding her, long pinfeathers stretched out carefully guiding her descent. She looked at her hand and could almost see them, wisps of imagination that they were. She glided down more slowly now, only barely faster than the little brown sparrows flitting about. Her heart rate rose as the falcon instincts surged within her, eager to hunt. She steered her way through the drafts to an increasingly large pool of water, and as she ripped through the air she fell back into a dive with her arms at her sides and legs tightly shut. Her shadow curled in on itself and became long and thin. The water rushed to meet her and she rushed to meet it, like good friends embracing. She could see an entrance to her home below the crystalline surface, and sighed before cutting through the mirrored suns. Home Iris floated in the water just outside the edge of the trench. Long, thin stalks of almost translucent white reached their way out of the black darkness below into the murky darkness in front of her. Although not as densely woven as the canopy she had left behind, the forest of plants stretched for so far along the lake bed that when looking at it from the outside, as Iris was, they seemed to form an impenetrable wall. The illusion of solidity was ruined only by the gentle swaying of the wall in time with the current. There were no fish weaving around, no crabs fighting, nor shrimps cleaning. The water was completely empty save for the miles of plants, and Iris. It seemed as if even the light were afraid to intrude here. The Great Lily Pad saw to that. It spanned the entire surface of the forest, connecting each stalk to the collective whole. There were still debates among the elders as to the nature of this monstrous creation. Was it truly one organism, or did each stalk individually push its way to the surface to become assimilated into an efficient community? Beneath the sand did there lay a network of roots to rival the lily pad above? No one knew for certain, as expeditions to the deepest sections of the forest were deemed too dangerous to pursue. They had failed time and time again to even reach the bottom. However, everyone agreed that if all creatures of the water avoided this section of the lake, there was a good reason. Iris gazed downwards longingly, and abruptly turned around. She swam back to the edge of the trench and into the tunnel mouth normally hidden from view by a overhang that jutted off into empty space. Darkness soon enveloped her and she continued on. Every once in a while a tiny pinpoint of light would appear on the tunnel walls. They did almost nothing to light her way, but she took solace in their efforts. She swam for what seemed like hours until, finally, the tunnel angled slightly upwards. A steady haze of light shone down through the water, basking her surroundings in a pale green glow. Here, there was life. All around her, the tunnel walls seethed with movement. Tube worms flared red tongues from their stony shells, sifting the mineral rich water for plankton. Clouds of microscopic krill whirled about, buffeted by the slightest change in current. Brilliantly colored anemone lined the walls and here and there you could see a camouflaged crab sitting amongst the tentacles, defending the anemone from any and all intruders. Others could be seen weaving their way through the flora and fauna in search of their own color coordinated foster home. Purple mussels covered every inch of space left behind, although they were hardly visible underneath the white barnacles that glued themselves to any possible surface. Iris always liked this part of the tunnel; the tiny creatures tickled her as she swam. She sped through the last meters of water, light growing brighter and brighter, until she burst through the surface with a crystalline eruption. Iris watched as thousands of pinpricks of light winked out of existence wherever her splashed hit the cave walls and ceiling. Those areas untouched remained uniformly covered with the lights. She waited until, slowly but surely, the dark patches once again affirmed themselves of their safety and went back to shining. Iris floated upwards into the air and lightly rested her toes on the top of the water, not quite breaking the surface tension. She pushed off the spring-like bubble underneath her feet and glided forwards. This might be her favorite way to travel, although she didn’t like the constant prickle of fear in the back of her mind that always accompanied insect forms. Her body cast a horde of shadows as she passed through archway after archway covered in the bioluminescent algae. They swarmed through the passage, hungrily devouring every aquamarine mushroom, every blood-red bat, every ghostly cricket, and every pale snake that hung from the ceiling waiting for a meal to fly into its gaping maw. They consumed everything in her path until they were met with a wall of stalactites and stalagmites forming a mouth of dark, dripping teeth to outmatch their own. She wove through them, careful not to rest a single finger along their grooved and bumpy sides. This was one of the few rules she abided by without question. The elders disproved of Iris in a general sense, for she almost made it a goal to fly in the face of any and all decisions the rest of her community agreed were for the best. Whenever they asked why, which they always did, she shrugged it off and said “for the experience.” The truth was she was just bored. She felt a pull towards life that simply could not be fulfilled by following the by walking the paths everyone else walked. So she took the road less traveled by or, more preferably, never traveled at all. Sometimes, when she was being honest with herself, she wished her grandmother, the Oracle, would finally drift away. Periods of brief, sight-ridden lucidity punctuated an existence that was otherwise Iris’s biggest fear–simply surviving. The Oracle was Iris’s only true tie to the community anymore. It wasn’t that she didn’t have friends–she was well liked, if not understood–but she knew that she would leave them in a heartbeat if given the option. But the Oracle persisted in living, despite celebrating her bimillennial Moon Day. She was carried around by Iris’s mother in a swaddle of palm fronds and aloe leaves, the inside of which was lined with a deep green harvested from the forest above. Iris. 07.06.2026 08.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Safe. Absolute darkness. My body enveloped by the fine grained Resource, sifting not quite indiscernibly around me and my senses like the faintest coursing of blood. But it could never quite be the same. There was no heartbeat, for one. Nor did it have the warmth of my mother’s body. The days it came in fresh were the best for that. The Twins heating up the sand on its way to me would never quite match that warmth, but it was better than the cold dead earth it once pretended to belong to. I missed the iron smell that used to be. They had changed the delivery process, I told myself, but I had gained more warmth for that small loss, important as it was. But oh so much warmer. The slow transition from old banded wooden barrels had finally come to fruition, it seemed. Now, great modernized steel crates kept it safe, baking in the sun all the while they brought it here. But the darkness didn’t change. Well, not the darkness I found in here. There had always been a little red tinged in the darkness, back then. Not everything could be perfect. And not everything lasted forever. Obviously. I didn’t complain. My shovel told me my rest was over. I grabbed onto the handle now supporting the length of my back and pulled myself along the long shaft. Hand over hand, seven hands sliding through the soft almost-sand. I did not need to see to know my way. Not for this simple habit, nor the rest. Eventually I reached my shelter at the edge of the pile, open air underneath a small underhang I made long ago with some siding that had no particular need to be siding. I slid my shovel easily from its sheath in the wall farther into the pile until both heads were once more free, ready for work. There was much to be done. There was always much to be done. And it was always the same. A perk of the job. Shovelling, day in and day out, shovelling. To be fair to my shovel, shovelling poorly described my verbing amongst the rustling dark. Perhaps, guiding, or hoping. To be fair to me, my shovel was a rake. So they told me, once, willfully oblivious to the fact that my shovel was comprised of only 28% rake. Determining that lack was a task of itself and I had willingly obliged, but. Still quite distinct was the disparity between rake and not-rake, and so that lack of majority pointed to such deliberations. I had wondered on their deliberations, before I came to know how much time I had for the little I had to do. I am not wise, but wiser. The remaining 72% consisted of the rest of the shovel. That is the part I focused on the majority of the time, with no qualms as to its statistical likelihood. I rotated my shovel, rake down, and slowly slid it towards the center above. Hand over hand, three hands from the rake bottom and I felt the slate surface breach. The disturbance my shovel had cut for me let a slow trickle of air press its way through, tenderly coercing Resource to come along in the journey downwards. Soon other grains, jealous of the attention, followed suit. And soon did the thin sleek top layer begin its collapse. As the soft current of air carried Resource through the center of the pile, it seeped along the bottom as water beneath an iceberg. It sought release and found it along the walls, slipping through as it rose to form an invisible cloud above. Everything is invisible in the dark. It streamed down, back to the center, carrying ever so slightly more air and more Resource, creating ever so slightly larger rings upon concentric rings. I had thought it like a tree stump, the first time I didn’t see it, if such a tree were to be millenia old, and if such a stump had suicidal thoughts to accompany each year. My shovel laughed at me at least. Depressions forming. Ha. My shovel would have described it as a flat-surfaced hourglass being nudged into life, but I find the comparison too easy. My shovel has good sense in a good many things, but Resource deserves my time and so I give it, in any endeavor. Not to mention the need of those so dependent on this smooth streaming Resource, and I won’t. To focus on anything but the Resource is to distract from the Resource. It flows Him. 07.06.2026 20.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Dogs Grenan put his hands in his pockets and looked up at the soldier in front of him. He had to crane his neck to take him all in, not that he wasn’t used to it. At a touch under 5 feet, Grenan had to look up to pretty much everyone. He’d always had a fond spot for dogs for just that reason. Never had to look up to say hello to a dog. “You’re a big fucker, ain’t ya?” The soldier leered down at him and Grenan grinned back. “Mind if I ask your name before we start choppin each other to bits?” The soldier squinted his eyes and clenched his hands a little tighter around the long handle of his battle axe. Its edges glinted in the sunlight. He may be a big stupid looking fuck, but at least he took care of his weapon. Grenan had never really taken a personal liking to those double bladed axes. Always wrapped up in nasty business, them. “Not the friendly type I guess. Real shame. That’s alright, I can be friendly enough fer the both of us. Howdy-do Mister Big Fucker, the name’s Grenan, but mah friends sometimes call me Grinnin.” Grenan dipped forward in a low bow with one arm flourishing to the side and beamed up at him. “Not that I’d call you a friend per say, but, ya know, there’s nothin to bring folks together like a nice war, ain’t that right Mister Big Fucker?” Big Fucker seemed a little out of sorts. Maybe he wasn’t used to sounds besides squeals and pleas for mercy coming from people on the business end of his axe. He kept shifting his weight from side to side, picking one foot up at a time, almost daintily. Did the fucker have something against sitting still or something? Grenan couldn’t bear people who didn’t know how to sit still. He had it on good authority that they were twice damned pricks who thought they were too good to wait patiently like the rest of the world. It was his own authority, but it had always served him well enough. Fucking Big Fucker. Look at him, just standing there squinting with his black beady eyes. Reminded Grenan of the way his first dog would look when he woke up from a long nap in the sun. That dog loved the sun, more than any creature Grenan had met since. That was a great fucking dog. Big Fucker suddenly charged towards Grenan and swung his axe in a wide sweeping blow. Grenan leaped to the side and brushed the face of the axe with his fingertips, grinning all the while. It whistled through the air where Grenan had stood a moment before, and the little man stood up from his roll. He started wiping off his studded coat with his back turned towards the big man. “You know, Mister Big Fucker, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you was tryin to kill me. On the account of us havin just introduced ourselves, and me not knowing ya very well, I’ll give ya the benefit of a doubt. But I don’t take kindly to rudeness, I’ll have ya know. I’d rather not hafta give up a new friend, specially one that seems so nice as yerself.” Grenan peered over his shoulder at Big Fucker. Definitely not confused anymore. Well, maybe a little, but those dog eyes were filled with a big fuck you, clear as day. He knew what was coming next. The big man let loose a roar and closed the distance to Grenan with an enormous step. He lifted his battle axe, both hands bone-white with the strength of his grip, and swung it above his head. Grennan formed his hands into the sign for pull , and the edge of the battle axe shot forward into the back of Big Fucker’s head. Slicing through his skull, it exploded out of the middle of his face in a spray of blood and embedded itself deep into the earth between the two men. The dead man’s momentum carried him forward another step or two before he collapsed on the ground next to his axe. “Poor, poor Mister Big Fucker. Ya had such a promising future aheada ya, killin, and burnin, and prolly some rapin here and there, ya know, all the things a big fucker like yerself are wont to do. But fer all the shinin brightness yer future held, it makes me think. How the fuck did someone so fuckin stupid end up livin so fuckin long, eh? We’re in gods damned Listralta ya fuckin idiot, mages are a dime a dozen. We’re as common as fuckin ants. What makes ya think ya can just waltz around with a big fuckin axe all intimidatin like and not get put down like a fuckin dog?” Grenan sighed and took out a black handkerchief from his breast pocket. Fucking theatrics always left him covered in blood. But you had to have a little fun, right? He wiped his face and looked down at the dead man. One black eye was opened up at the sky. Still reminded him of that first dog. Great fucking animals. Never had to look up to say goodbye to a dog neither. He bent forward and tore his sticky rune off the face of the axe. Fabulous invention those, let a man link his signs with an object on the fly. He had used them before, but never to such spectacular effect. Grenan turned and walked across the dusty earth back towards camp. He went a few steps before hearing a faint shuffle behind him and reflexively spun back around into a defensive stance. The dead man had shambled to his feet using his axe as a crutch. He hefted it up onto a shoulder with one meaty hand and looked around. Or at least it seemed like he was looking around. Each half of his face hung down to either side, blood dripping from his eye sockets and down his back. The dead man turned forwards towards where Grenan stood, and a piece of brain fell onto the ground with a wet plop. Grenan stared through the gaping V formed from the remains of what used to be a face and grinned. “Well fuck me sideways, who’s the idiot now? Pleasure to beg of yer acquaintance once more Mister Big Fucker! Though I must say, ya bein dead woulda been a good thing to tell a new friend like myself&#8230;" Little Shit “Ya know&#8230;” Grenan trailed off. He stared out into the landscape. The sky touched the sands miles away, forming a vast circle of gold and blue. An almost dry riverbed wove its way around the dunes, carrying precious life water into the otherwise barren desert. From his vantage point on one of the taller dunes he could see some of those odd looking goats milling around down there. Enormous ears and a thin set of fur that stuck out in all directions like some kind of static fuzz ball made them one of the most comical creatures he’d ever seen. One of his favorite pastimes these days was watching the males spar with one another. Each goat would stake out a dune and scramble to the top. Woe is the goat that tried to climb one that was already claimed. The higher party would simply push the sand in the right direction and send the unfortunate ascender skidding and rolling back down. Once two goats had made the climb to adjacent dunes they’d remain motionless, just staring at each other. And then, suddenly, by some cue he hadn’t quite figured out, both goats would leap off their dunes towards each other. Their wide, flat feet carried them on top of the sand as they entered a barely controlled descent. Fast and faster they’d slide until they met in the middle, each trying to dismember the other. He’d only seen that happen once, but had heard the deafening pops of their horns colliding plenty of times. The little mage sighed with exasperation. “You know what?” Funny little goats. The desert had a way of making the funny, normal. Everything just looked kinda out of place, but you knew they did a better job of surviving out here than you. It was probably cause it was such a drastically different landscape than most of the other continents. At least they had plants.Well, he could see some plants from his seat at least. Maybe. Far and away down in the valley there was a smudge of some color that most definitely wasn’t gold, but most definitely wasn’t green either. It lay at the end of that riverbed, and there was the faintest curling of smoke rising up from the town Constance had said was there. They had to have some plants down there. Some grain or something. Beans, gotta have beans. A singular bean. The Bean. The Great and Powerful Bean. They probably worshipped it as some new manifestation of their Life God, come from foreign lands to grant them wisdom. Grenan chuckled to himself. Crazy tree-ple. “YA KNOW WHAT?!” “What? Oh. I was gonna say somethin but then I had myself somethin more important to think bout.” Grenan closed his eyes and plopped his back to the sand quite matter of factly. The little mage scowled furiously, not that Grenan could see it. But he knew it was there all the same. He waited a moment, then another. “I’m no-” “I bechyer a screamer.” His mouth gaped open, his normally racing speed of thought diminished to a crawl. It started flapping slowly, like a fish that’s been sitting in the sun for much longer than recommended for a healthy, fishy life. He managed to force out his dying breath. “wha- What, I’ve no such- that’s just, whatever do you mean, that’s not in my disposition at all. Yes. What did you say?” Grenan. 07.06.2026 20.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Constance stood at the bow of the ship looking out at the swells looming ahead. She wasn’t exactly sure she would have called it a ship, but the captain had referred to it as such so it was a small thing to grant it that courtesy. To give credit where credit was due, it did look like one of the punts seen throughout Telsori City, if only of a magnitude 100 times more grand. She turned around and looked the craft over for the umpteenth time, not that she minded in particular. She had long since learned to appreciate her surroundings; finding new aspects of interest in what others might consider mundane was natural for her after many grueling field assignments. Being able to stave off boredom simply by noticing the detail in a blade of grass, or a cricket, or any number of tiny facets of life helped to keep her sane when she had to wait in one spot for hours, even days sometimes, for her target to finally return home. The term sane was subjective of course but, from her experience, everyone had a touch of insanity to worry themselves with, so she was unconcerned. [description of a crew member? maybe something more mundane] But she still couldn’t quite bring herself to admit it was a ship. Probably because there was that small matter of being surrounded by a sea of glistening white sand. Telekinetic crew members stood at all edges of the fore half of the ship in teams of four, carefully signing in unison in order to cast their chain lines out into the sand. At the end of each chain a large, curved metal spade dug deep into the dunes. She watched the two lead teams at the bow symmetrically reel in their lines, pulling the ship forward. The two teams on either side soon began reeling as well, continuing a wave like pattern that propagated down through the remaining telekinetics. As the ship glided forward and the later teams began signing come, the two fore teams gracefully lifted their spades into the air before the ship. They hung briefly before being flung as far as their chains would allow back into the sand. Soon the next teams followed, and the wave continued. Constance was mesmerized. Constance walked through the desert town. She wore the beige colored robes of a local and kept her head down, partially concealed within the folds of her turban. She didn’t make a habit of drawing attention to herself on most days, but were she to be spotted today there would be a particularly bad set of consequences. Constance grimaced. What was with the Thurlikans and their love of flaying? She had seen the act done before of course; when you got to the outskirts of any continent there were usually at least a few murder-happy sociopaths to be found. But these people… they took things a step farther. Every single punishment was flaying, to one degree or another. Those foul sand-worms were probably at the root of it. There was nothing more resistant to the sand than their tough, supple skin, and it could be used for just about anything. So, naturally, you couldn’t find a citizen that didn’t have their own flaying knife, long and thin and with a curious curve that hinted at what was to come. A kindly looking old man shouted at Constance in some incomprehensible dialect from his jewelry stall, but she continued walking. Not only did she lack the fluency to keep her cover, but fresh memories of an earlier incident had rushed into her mind, images of him pressing down an orphan’s hand into his wooden table, still clutching the dull gems he had tried to steal. Two guards had come over and held the boy still while the merchant relieved the boy of his wares. A quick flash in the sun, a high pitched scream, and the boy was released. He continued screaming as the old man pinned the skin freshly relinquished from the back of the boy’s hand onto the wall behind him. Even after the orphan had been shooed off with a couple kicks and had run off away from the bazaar, the screaming could be heard. The boy would probably get to keep the use of his hand if he cared for it right, but Constance almost preferred the dismemberment she was used to seeing as punishment for stealing in other towns. When you lose a hand, the pain is too great to comprehend, so your mind goes into shock and you get to enjoy a stupor of painless, thoughtless existence for a time. But the pain of losing just that tiny flap of flesh? It toed the line of pain tolerance all too well, and so you were left with searing agony the entire time it healed. Constance kept her head down. Now was not the time for heroics. It rarely was in her experience. Constance. 07.06.2026 20.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

A Villain Aleislis was a careful man. The wretched mess of a man bowed before Aleislis’s feet, arms twisted at an awkward angle before coming together tethered behind a rust covered metal pole. The room was quiet now, an eerie silence following the screams for mercy that filled it just moments ago. Without a trace of emotion, Aleislis slowly wiped his soiled hands on a crimson silk handkerchief, meticulously running the fabric between every finger. Not a word was said from the other men and women in the room, each staring intently at the floor. Even as Aleislis slowly made his way to the basin of water that was brought with the entourage and dipped his hands in, complete silence persisted only interrupted by the soft scrubbing. Aleislis’s whisper of a voice finally broke the silence as he bent over the basin. “Do it.” Needing no further instruction, a diminutive man wearing a mask bearing the likeness of a monstrous ant with sharpened proboscises stepped forward and began to drench the huddled figure in an acrid smelling fluid from a skin. Once completely doused, the masked man reached into a pouch attached to his waist and tossed a handful of powder on the broken man. Immediately a brilliant blue flame burst into life, consuming the foul smelling liquid hungrily. In what took no longer than a moment, the blue flame ascended the length of the soaked figure before materializing into a fountain of fading sparks and then vanishing. Nothing of the brutalized victim was left behind save for a gray-blue ash that littered the base of the pole. Casually, the masked man knelt and collected the ash with a small brush into a fist-sized leather pouch. Having tied the neck of the pouch with a length of twine in a secure knot, all that was left of the dead man was delivered into the now spotless hands of Aleislis. Tucking the pouch into his expensive coat pocket, Aleislis walked over to the grime covered steps that led upward into the light. Without exchanging a word to each other the rest of the party quickly attended to their duties. The basin was collected and emptied down a buckling drainage grate beneath the steps, the various metal instruments laid out on the cloth strewn over the table behind the pole were bundled and stored, the alchemical symbols washed from the stone surrounding the pole and the formulae ingredients encapsulated and placed in a small chest. Aleislis demanded absolute vigilance in these tasks, for failure at the slightest detail spelt the certain death of everything the perpetrator loved. In turn, the men and women left behind to clean the site solemnly filed up the stairs after Aleislis. The last to leave was the masked-man who stood alone in the center of the dungeon like room, motionless and appearing pensive. Seeming to have decided, his feet slid across the dust covered stone with an audible scrape, cloak fluttering outward as arcane energy gathered and his hands came together in a resonating clap. The entire room shuddered as if enduring an impact, clouds of dirt and decay raining from the mold-ridden ceiling. Satisfied, the masked-man climbed the steps and into the open air, never once looking back. No sooner had the the room been vacated did the supports give way and the earth above crumbled inwards leaving nothing but ruins behind. Aleislis was a careful man. Aleislis. 07.06.2026 08.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Lord Commander Keerin furiously paced the walls of the central satellite fortress of the Citadel. Word of the latest caravan ambush had arrived this morning and the king was livid. The burgeoning violence that was breaking out all across Telsori could no longer be ignored. Keerin had just dismissed the twelfth guildmaster this month from his barracks office, absolutely exhausted with the petulant penny-pincher’s excuses and lies. Storming up the stone stairways to the armored barbican, Keerin had been there fuming for the last hour. Reports were coming in from as far as The Reach, trade routes destroyed and hundreds of lives lost. Guilds had begun to mobilize entire divisions of Order initiates, a direct violation of the royal decree of demilitarization. It was time for intervention. Auburn hair tossing about in the wind, Keerin descended the ramparts and crossed the courtyard in wide strides befitting his nearly 7 foot tall frame. Squires and teachers alike ceased their training to watch as the Lord Commander made straight for the wyvern keep. Vires was already strapped across Keerin’s back, crimson plated armor secured and his riding boots donned. No one dared to call out to him. Everyone in the fort knew of the mounting frustrations over the guild wars and Keerin had become less and less approachable over the past few weeks. Heavy, angry steps took Keerin up the spiraling stairway to the top floor which housed the greater wyverns. Grabbing the nearest saddle and silencing the boy attendant with an icy glance, Keerin threw the leather device over the back of the biggest brute in the fort. Restrained by a carefully monitored system of tethers and failsafes, the wyverns were housed and fed in the keep. Each mount was placed and secured into various wells in the floor, their heaving backs only just rising above ground-level. Keerin swung a leg over and fastened the last tie on the saddle. He had no time for the tedious process of releasing the beast and unstrapped Vires with a metallic clang. Three powerful and precise slashes severed the restraints and the wyvern reared in triumphant freedom. A lesser man would have been thrown from the beast’s back, clinging desperately as the long furled wings spread and flapped wildly; the creature screeching in exultation. Keerin however was one of the most accomplished riders in the land and no beast from here to Muramont could unseat him. Even though the wyvern possessed a wingspan four times the height of its rider and a skull the size of Keerin’s torso, it still quieted quickly as the lord commander pounded thrice at the tender ribs with his steel covered heels. Grasping the reins with one hand and sheathing Vires with the other, Keerin urged the beast forward. Within moments the wyvern was lumbering towards the landing bay and extended its massive wings. Soon man and beast were in flight, soaring from the keep and leaving the now crowded courtyard to gaze upward at their departure. 2 Keerin’s first destination was Tarfort. If it were time for action, there was no man he would rather have at his side than his longtime friend and comrade in arms, Grennan. As the steady beat of the wyvern’s wings brought them closer, the fort’s namesake quickly overpowered all other smells in the air. Veering around a large cloud, Keerin spotted the first of many bubbling tar pits in the distance, which was greeted by a gout of flame from his mount. He urged the beast faster with a stern prod of his boots, and uncinched his belt so as to relieve himself. He could almost taste the acrid taste of burning tar now, and was pleased to see battlements rising over the next hill. As he glided into the stables, he could hear shouts of exclamation rising from below and saw many a figure pointing in awe at this behemoth of a creature. After tossing the reins to an intimidated looking stableboy, Keerin strode off the creature’s back and into the keep below. Lord Commander Keerin. 07.06.2026 08.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

In Recollection of Fire Primal energies coursed through his veins, seeped from his pores and curled away in thin ethereal tendrils as they made contact with the smoke filled air. The whispers of his teachings filled his mind, the words of ancient tomes and archaic instructors resonating with his thoughts of panic. A crescendo of hushed voices peaked just as a desperate cry pierced the night. Shrugging off both his cloak and Monty’s cautionary hand from his shoulder, Auoan began to sprint towards the devastation. Looking back only to shout “Get her away from here!” he turned and picked up speed. The energies flowing from his body coalesced in the palm of his right hand, seeming to absorb all the air and sound with them. Louder than the moaning support beams of his home, an ear-splitting crack erupted in an arc from his hand. An explosion of calculated magnitude sent the first pile of debris Auoan approached sailing into the night, his stride never breaking. Sweat and soot blurred his vision, his thoughts still abuzz as the arcane forces took hold of his body. His breath came in short gasps as the magic continued to pour out of his hands, first soothing waves of liquid essence that cleared the flames for his passage, but ultimately terrifying concussive essence shot from his palms to bulldoze walls as no life was found. Tears of desperation began to stream down his face, streaking the dark soot. His useless cries for his family went unanswered from the inferno. A dry cough rattled his frame and finally forced his head down. Auoan’s thoughts slowly started to come back to him, a bit of himself released after being held hostage by the magic. Where could his family be? If the entrances had been blocked by the flames, where would his family escape to? Immediately his eyes darted to where the cellar should be, a massive broken support beam blocking the entrance. A roar escaped his lips, the magic once again gathering into itself, taking everything of the surroundings with it. Cinders, ash and air alike swirled inward, everything going completely silent before the beam began to slide in on itself. The sound of every fiber of the wood being torn and folded so rapidly created such a cacophony Auoan was forced to shield his ears and turn away from his magical manifestation. When he looked back, nothing but a smoldering dust was left of the beam. Wasting no time, the boy-mage ran through the door and down the steps. What he saw in that cellar would haunt him forever. The ceiling from the first floor above had given way just as Auoan appeared in the doorway. His sisters Taryn and Faye were the first ones to see him, fear in their eyes as they desperately clung to their prone mother. The fiery destruction from above was collapsing in all around them and to his horror he saw two of his younger brothers crushed beneath the debris, their broken limbs still and burnt. Bile rose in his throat, his tears intensifying as he took in the scene. “ AUOAN!!!!” His mother’s cry finally broke his trance. His sights returned to his mother, pinned beneath more wreckage with one of his sisters clinging uselessly to her thin arms while the other lay prone beside them. Auoan stumbled down the stairs and only just dodging a new gout of flame that spat from somewhere above him, he reached his mother and sisters. The sight of her desperation brought the failing magic back to life, an emittance of auric light rebounding off his body. With the resurgence of power, a gust of wind fanned the flames away from their huddled gathering. Focusing his energy to a gentler manifestation, the wreckage was lifted from his dying mother. As gently as he could, Auoan turned his sister to her back, but shuddered when he saw her horribly burnt face. Panic rose in him as he realized he would not have been able to tell it was Faye who lay before him had it not been for the terrified whimpering coming from Taryn beside him. Faye’s chest still rose and fell and so he turned his attention back to his mother. Her body was twisted and bent, nothing seemed in place. His face contorted in fear, the tears burning now as he searched his mind for any remedial magic. From his time in the university he had only gleaned destructive magic, the magic of breaking. Never had he studied the magic of mending. Here he stood, useless, powerless as his sisters watched on. Finally, without anything else to add, he whispered. “Where are the others?” “Dead. Markus and Ilian were taken in the first blast..” Her voice was weak, mixed with wet sputtering as dark red blood filled her mouth. Her eyes were far away now, no longer focused on Auoan. The swirling tempest that surrounded them was quickly encroaching on Auoan’s hastily constructed null zone, there was little time left and he needed to get his sisters to safety. Pressing his dry and cracked lips to his mother’s forehead, he murmured the only thing he could think of. “Thank you.” He held her face in his hands, their foreheads touching, and gazed into her eyes for a moment, her sight never quite reaching his. Even with the raging torrent around them, he witnessed the sense of serenity in them as they saw for the last time. The magic within him pooled in tranquility, not unlike the eerie stillness inside the eye of a storm. Glassy eyes observed Taryn frantically crying as smoke and fire billowed in the air above them. He walked towards her and as her hand grasped onto his, the storm unleashed. The only light in the cellar now came from stars shining through the holes in the floor above them and embers casting a gentle orange glow all around them as the fire winked out of existence. Carefully, Auoan reached down and cradled Faye in his other arm. He brought the girls out of the house and across the street before the insane energy of the magic drained out of its vessel. As he succumbed to exhaustion, he laid his misbegotten burden down beside her twin sister and looked back at the destruction in time for the house to once again be consumed in a holocaust of flames. UNDER THE INFLUENCE (A true and honest attempt at stream of consciousness) The world slid out from beneath him. Where solid, tangible earth was just below his feet there were now endless reaches of unfathomable nothingness. It consumed him both mind and body. Each thought echoed out in the isolation to rebound and fade into the darkness without any sensorial perception. A heavy weight seemed to settle over his being, each movement sluggish and useless in the dark. To say he swam in the vastness would give too much credence to his physical awareness. Did he even have limbs? Was he suspended or standing? Nothing made sense for there was no sense to be derived from this state. He was utterly helpless to the magic of the drug. From the darkness, or perhaps right in front of his face, a tear in the colorless fabric revealed light. Warm, tantalizing light. His continuance reached out for the familiarity, desperate for the feeling of the known. The light first spread slowly, starbursts erupting at the edges of the event horizon and with more urgency he longed for it. The heat intensified, but he didn’t care, sensation was a blessing in this realm of nothing. Soon he picked up on the very start of a suggestion that was noise, a soft and nearly inaudible snapping and popping. His thoughts like wayward arrows, one finally struck home. Memories of the family hearth filled his mind and remained. The pleasant remembrance blossomed and soon he was there. Siblings lazily reclined all about him, all facing the expressive and beloved figure sitting in the large oak rocker beside the hearth. The soft crackle of the fire continued behind him, but no other noise accompanied the memory. The man’s lips moved and his face lit up as he wove his tale, but all he could hear was the fire. He longed to hear that gravelly voice, so filled with love and warmth. But the sound of the fire was loud now, the sound of a bonfire someone had fed too much. The heat was too much to stand. Instinctively he pushed himself away from the source of discomfort, but found he was rooted to his seat. A soundless cry of distress left his lips now, unheard over the roar of the fire. The pain was unreal, the skin on his bare back exposed to the hungry flames began to peel away, shriveling in tiny whorls of black. Gone was the man who wasn’t his father and instead laid his mother, broken. So too lay his brothers, their disfigured bodies screaming out to him hopelessly. His back arched in pain and frustration, fear and hate and the enveloping crashing of the fire peaked. Telsa lay beneath him, the sweat soaked covers twisting over her naked body. The inferno was now replaced with the muggy heat of the hottest Telsori summer in living memory. Her deep brown hair was dosed jet black and spread over a damp pillow. Moon rays blessedly gave him sight to her heaving chest, rising and falling in chorus with his thrusts. His hearing had been restored and he could hear her moans, the chirps of nocturnal creatures, the gentle rattling of the door’s lock being charmed. The pain in his back was now the scoring of her merciless desire, raking his flesh as he pulled back and dug deep to draw him in once more. The bed was no longer there to support him and his face met hard dusty earth. Clothed once more in the garb of his youth, he shifted his weight so his belt buckle ceased digging into his waist. A hand grasped him by the shoulder and helped support him as he rose. Monty was there, his grin infectious as he dusted him off and nodded at the offending party retreating down the field with the ball. Together they ran, laughing and shoving one another the entire way. Breathless, his lengthy hair plastered to his forehead he arrived at the classroom to face the stern old master of arithmetic. An apologetic smile afforded him nothing more than a deep weary frown before the lecture continued in a drone. He quickly took his seat next to Lok, briefly shaking his head in disapproval before continuing to dutifully record every word Auoan. 07.06.2026 20.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Faye’s hand dropped limply to her side, her one good eye searching wildly for somewhere else to look aside from the shocked expression of her sister. The sound of the slap faded off the walls of the courtyard and both sisters were quiet for a time. “I just wanted to help.” Taryn tried to meet Faye’s eyes, but Faye would not look at her. Taryn reached her hand forward, and pressed it against Faye’s cheek, who cringed. Taryn paused but left her hand there, feeling the bumps and ridges for the first time in years. Faye finally looked into Taryn’s eyes, but this time she was not looking back. Her hand wandered around, fingertips pouring through every valley, ascending every hill and mountain, exploring the landscape that was Faye’s face. Faye reached her own hand up and held Taryn’s, temporarily halting its journey. “This is who I am.” Their eyes met. “I’m not going to cower behind an illusion simply because people cringe when they look at me. They try to hide it but it’s always there, the revulsion, the disbelief that such a thing like me could exist in their perfect world. I’m not going to change myself just so that I fit in. I don’t want to fit in their world. I know pain they can only imagine, and I have embraced it. I swallowed it whole, and it lives inside of me. It’s only fitting that my outside reflect my inner. If I can live with it, then they can live with me.” “I just want the world to see you like I see you.” Taryn pulled Faye’s hand up to her face and held it there. Faye felt the smoothness of her sister’s face and pulled away. She walked to the gate but paused briefly before going through. She turned to look back, and saw tears welling up in Taryn’s eyes. “It’s a cruel world, Taryn.” Fate Forged In Fire Click….Click….Click The old bronze clock set above the classroom door sounded in time with Faye’s heartbeat. How long had it been since she last took a breath? It seemed like her whole form quaked as the ragged intake of air brought focus back to the young mage’s eyes. “You can come out now, Taryn. I know you’re there.” A dark corner of the classroom started to stir, the edges of a slim figure materializing out of nothing. The light seemed to bend in this part of the room, angling away from the anomaly. Gesturing casually, Taryn stepped from the shadows and dismissed her light weaving. The two sisters stood in the abandoned lecture hall looking at one another for a time. “If you can’t fool me how are you supposed to fool the real world?” Taryn smirked and reached into the satchel that hung from her shoulder, drawing out a pair of dandied fritters and tossing one to Faye. “Good enough to fool old man Durgus.” Faye tossed the dandied fritter aside. “Life is more than just dandied fritters, Taryn!” Taryn’s face fell. Her sister always loved when she used her magic for mischief. She’d always encouraged her to push the boundaries of their craft. Feeling somewhat foolish now, she dropped her sack of dandied fritters to the ground. Something was different with her sister. “Are you okay, Faye? Did something happen?” Faye turned away from her sister and looked to the ancient clock. Click….click….click….click…. Silence filled the room except for the steady metallic rhythm of the clock, neither one of the Pyri sisters saying a word. “I think we should leave Telsori City.” The words hit Taryn like a sack of dandied fritters. “What’s wrong, Faye?! Don’t you play games with me.” The sounds of a marketplace began reverberating in Taryn’s mind, replacing the quiet of her physical surroundings. She could hear the shouts of street vendors and children at play, guardsmen marching and birds singing. A look of confusion crossed her face as she stared at her sister’s back, what was this? “How..” Faye turned to her sister and met eyes. She saw the look of shock as Taryn saw her face, perfect and unmarred, as if the fire had never been. “Is this the life you want, Taryn? A happy little life with no worries and all the dandied fritters you could ever want?” The city turned dark. The street vendors stopped shouting and began to put away their wares with synchronized motions. The children gathered up their play things and ran home, marching down the alleys. The birds ceased their singing. All that was left of the noise that once filled the courtyard was the sound of a shutter slowly, tirelessly banging against the side of a house as it strained against its holds in an imperceptible wind. Taryn did not disturb the silence. She didn’t know if she could, had she even wanted to. It drew her. She turned from Faye and paced into the nothing that she thought she knew so well. Her feet placed themselves carefully on the cobblestone with less than a whisper, and led her to the ancient fountain that served as the focal point of the square. She used to stare up at the fountain as a child and wonder what it would’ve looked like a hundred, no, a thousand years ago. The towering Founder’s Stone fountain stood at least two stories and loomed over the square. During the daylight Founder’s Stone is most often enmassed in unending Telsori traffic–the highway marker that signalled Willow District’s end and the top of the First Descent. Waves of Telsori citizens descended the steps to the Lower City below each day, backed by the intense heat of the Twins. Standing at the foot of the Founder’s Stone fountain one was afforded a grand view of the Telsori capital city; a view that stretched from the Western Gate to the port of call and into the distance as far as the eye could see, the Heridian Sea. Steeped in Telsori architecture and philosophy was a belief in the duality of all things. All forces of nature existed in harmony with an equal and opposite foil. By this belief Telsori City was founded in harmony with the rise of the Twins. Mythology surrounding twin siblings, tales told and repeated by all races, pervaded Telsori culture and influenced even the codified law of the land. Punishments were dealt in balance; consequences were dealt respective to due grievances by the courts enforced by the Right Hand. The central council of the Telsori ruling body separated the duties of an administration into two departments; The Left Hand enforced all financial and diplomatic business, while The Right encompassed the courts and law enforcement. Taryn stared down into the pool formed from the remnants of last night’s rain, and listened to footsteps approach behind her, Faye’s footsteps. There were two of her here in the fountain, mirrored with crystalline perfection. Until the fire that took Taryn’s face, the Pyri twins had grown up believing their lives blessed. That was different now and no one knew it more than Faye. Here in this world, Faye was whole, her face unburnt and a perfect mirror of Taryn’s. Tears trickled down Faye’s face, a smile bursting forth, gasping exhalations punctuated with uncontrollable laughter. The surface shattered as a singular tear drop fell with a deafening pink , but only distorted Faye’s face. It melted away, until nothing was left but her mangled and scarred complexion. “That’s not life, Taryn.” [Life isn’t a dandied fritter, Taryn.] Practice Taryn focused on the space in front of her, brow furrowed with the effort. Her hands meticulously traced a series of runes in the air. A slight shimmering finally began to appear and although her eyes widened, she did her best not to let her excitement detract from her level of concentration. Was that a hint of dull silver? The tip of a knife took shape, slowly lengthening, widening. It spread into a blade strikingly similar to the one her father used to always carry, but stopped just shy of the hilt in a ghostly cloud. Taryn frowned a little and continued tracing her runes. “Faye, I’ve almost got it!” Her twin looked up from her table of notebooks, took a quick glance at the almost-knife in front of Taryn, and looked back down. “You’re missing the handle, Taryn.” Taryn’s hand nearly wavered in its path, but she managed to hold the image firm. “You don’t have to be so negative all the time you know!” “Just saying. It is missing the handle after all.” Faye leafed through a textbook to her right, every margin filled to the brim with chicken scratch. Her pencil hung loosely from her mouth as she looked back to the book in front of her, and back to the textbook. Her diagrams matched, as they always did. She slammed the textbook shut. “Ha! Beat you. Again.” Taryn’s hands did not cease in their movements, but she looked over to Faye with annoyance written across her face. “Why is everything always a competition with you! I thought we were working together.” Faye smirked. “Of course we are, but I still won.” She stood up and walked over to Taryn’s side. “Let’s do this. We don’t need the whole knife, you’re good enough for now.” “You’re good enough for now, I’m Faye, I’m perfect, mer mer merr,” Taryn grumbled under her breath, but not loud enough for her sister to hear. She knew how she felt about the word perfect. Taryn added the hold rune to the end of her series and let her arms drop to her sides. The knife blade hung in the air. She glanced at Faye before shaking her hands out and lifting them to either side of her illusion once more. “Ready?” “Ready.” Taryn traced the rune for follow , and slowly moved her hands forward. The blade glided through the air, perfectly matching pace. She edged closer to the wall, trying to center her hands with the small red X that they had written there. She stopped when the tip of her illusion was an inch from the wall. “3, 2, 1, go.” The knife slid into the wall about three inches before Taryn stopped once more. She looked over at her sister, who had her eyes closed. “You good, Faye?” Faye’s eyes lazily opened and drifted to the red X. “Of course. Looks like you are for once too. None of that shimmering this time where it meets the wall. Good job, now take it out.” She closed her eyes again as Taryn carefully withdrew her illusion from the wall. She put it to the side in hold position and scrambled over to look. Taryn let loose with a little squeal. “It worked, there’s a cut in the wall! It looks just like we cut it with a knife!” “Of course it worked, we just timed our spells. Your illusion and my destruction.” Faye finally walked over to inspect the wall with her sister. “It did take a little work to focus my area of destruction to match the shape of a knife, but it was no challenge really.” She laid a gnarled hand on Taryn’s shoulder and matched her smile. “It worked! There’s a cut in the wall! This is amazing! Incredible! Absolutely mind blowing!” “Of course it worked, we’re talking about me here aren’t we?” Faye finally walked over to inspect the wall with her sister. “It took me quite a bit of work to determine a method to tie a small field of destruction to a changing location. And even more work to manipulate that field to the shape of a knife. And quite a bit more on top of that to be able to link it with an illusion you created, to my specifications of course. I’ll admit though, I’m surprised with how well it worked. A job well done, to both of us.” She lay a gnarled hand on Taryn’s shoulder and matched her smile. “Now, let’s try stabbing that chair, shall we?” A Day Faye stood on the bed helping Taryn hang a large, framed painting. More accurately, Faye was hanging a large, framed painting while Taryn called out directions. “Too far, move it back!” Faye had one foot braced against the mattress and the other crammed between the rest of her body and the headboard. It had fallen asleep, but at least that meant she didn't have to worry about the pain . Her arms were quivering slightly holding the frame up against the wall. As she had been for the last five minutes. “Taryn, I swear to the gods if we aren’t done soon I will literally kick the shit out of you.” “Almost there! A little to the left.” Faye moved the frame slightly to the left. Contained within was a surprisingly gruesome rendition of Gods and Monsters , although you couldn’t tell unless you peered in closely. Or had your face scrunched against it, leaving greasy smudges every time you moved. “I will lie you down, buy a pair of steel toed boots, tie them tight, and kick you in the intestine until you shit yourself.” “Glad to know you’re thinking of safety first at least! Just a liiitle more left.” Faye budged her aching shoulders indiscernibly left. Through a sweaty print of her face she could see a tiny figure plunging a fist into a tendon on the back of a furry bird-looking monster’s leg while it reared its beak into the sky, ready to catch another tiny figure plummeting inevitably downwards surrounded by spirals of blood drops and severed limbs. You could tell which of the tiny people were the gods by which ones were dying: not the gods. “I will kick you until you’re hospitalized from dehydration. I will keep kicking you while your tiny anus coughs up its dying words in breathless gasps to a crowd of tearful loved ones.” “Just a smidgen up. No, down. Up, up, sorry!” “I will kick you until your poor tiny anus’s companions hide their faces in agony, having just witnessed her tiny anus hand fall limply to the bed. I will kick you until their noses shrivel in shameful disgust when they smell your tiny anus’s anus shit the bed.” Taryn’s laughter rang out suddenly, “my tiny anus’s anus!” Faye couldn’t see her but from the sounds of it she had collapsed against the wall. “Where even… why… it has such tiny hands!” Taryn continued to splutter. Faye could picture her sister clearly – doubled over with both arms clenched tight around her waist, you wouldn’t be able to tell if she was laughing or crying through from the shaking of her shoulders if not for the occasional SNORT – Taryn let out a raucous laugh and Faye heard a smack as she doubtlessly slapped a hand over her perfect mouth. “I’m going to drop this picture in four seconds if you don’t pull it together. Four, three, two…” “It’s good, you’re good, stop, stop.” There was a bump as Taryn pushed herself off the wall back to standing position. “It’s perfect.” Faye immediately let go of the painting and slumped against the wall, arms shaking still. “Thank you merciful Astophar for your blessing on this day.” “Wait no…” “Oh my fucking gods!” “Just kidding!!” Faye pushed off the wall and leapt from the bed to strangle her sister. As she sprang forwards, her long-asleep foot buckled underneath her weight. Her head pitched forward and hit the edge of the quilted bed before her whole body slid onto the floor in a tangled heap. Faye lay still, her face turning red and burning around her ears. The heat slowly spread throughout her body, embarrassment quickly transforming into anger and resentment bubbling beneath her skin. There was a moment of silence before Taryn cautiously asked, “Faye, are you alright?” Faye did not respond beyond a lewd gesture that would have gotten her sent to her room had her mother seen it. Had her mother been there to see it. Had her mother not been… “Hey Faye? You probably don't remember, but you know when you were hanging that painting for me like so long ago?” Faye turned her face to look at Taryn. “Yeahhhhhh… you had it in the right spot in like 30 seconds. Soo I'm just gonna.. ” “Oh my gods I'm gonna kill you!!!” Taryn squealed and sprinted away as she saw Faye scramble onto all fours and start chasing her. Taryn looked over her shoulder as she ran and Faye could see her beaming, laughing with glee. Faye couldn't help laughing with her. You were on such a roll, I couldn’t “Where did you even get this? I can see Another Day Taryn stood on the bed helping Faye hang a large, framed painting in their bedroom. More accurately, Taryn was hanging a large, framed painting while Faye called out directions. “Yeahhh gonna need you to move it lefter.” Taryn stood precariously on the headboard of Faye’s bed. She couldn’t quite hold the painting up, so she was pressing it firmly against the wall while trying not to lose her balance. She gave it a heave to the left. “Woah buddy, I said left-ER not left-5 miles away.” Taryn turned over her shoulder to look at her twin. “Ha. Ha. You’re SO funny.” She slid the painting a bit back to the right. “Normally yeah, but that one was pretty bad. It’s okay, you’re really good at giving me opportunities to try again.” Faye cackled. “A little further up.” With all the sarcasm she could muster, Taryn said, “Of course, my dear, dear sister.” Taryn smiled to herself – well, tried to but her face was in mid-grimace from the effort of pushing the painting up the wall with hands that were starting to sweat. Faye would have called it a fart-face, or something more clever and vulgar probably. Taryn didn’t know the last time she had heard that manic laugh of Faye’s – she was in a good mood. “You know Faye, I never realized how helpful you were.” “What was that?” Taryn struggled against the urge to rest her sweaty face against the glass. “I never realized how helpful you are.” “What!? I can’t hear you.” Oh, she was in a good mood, yes she was. It was so hard to keep her there, though. Sure, most days overall were pretty fine, but you couldn’t describe them as…. Happy, joyful. Not like this moment. It seemed like any time Faye was happy, something would happen, miniscule, that she would latch onto. It was almost like she would realize she was happy and sabotage the feeling. Taryn had decided long ago it was best to keep the moment going as long as she could; maybe one of these days Faye would forget to self-destruct. Taryn raised her voice into the wall. “You’re so helpful Faye, I never realized!” “You’re talking to the wall Taryn.” Faye concealed a splutter, which Taryn pretended not to hear. “YOU’RE SO HELPFUL, FAYE.” “Well thank you, no need to yell it at me though. Now, if you could just hurry up and get better at hanging this frame real quick that’d be swell – I’ve got things to do ya know. More right.” Taryn whirled her head around, chestnut hair splaying out and catching the sunlight as she did so. “Oooooh am I just gonna…” CRASH. The painting slid out of Taryn’s slick fingers and hit the floor behind the bed. The sound of glass tinkling out of the frame was the only sound to pierce the sudden silence. Taryn’s mind raced with countless possibilities of how to handle the situation, how to handle Faye. But she was paralyzed, face and body frozen, staring at the blank wall where she had just been holding the painting. She didn’t know what to do, she didn’t want to make it worse. She didn’t know anything besides the fact that it was her fault. It was never her fault. She could see the shattered glass in her mind as easily as she could imagine the look that would be on Faye’s face, if Taryn was brave enough to turn around and see it. Nothing. Blank. Not a look of defeat, a look before defeat. The look of a soldier about to go into battle with absolutely zero hope of winning, zero hope of surviving. No fear or sadness even, simply a detached resignment. Taryn wished Faye would breakdown instead of that. At least that would be admitting she felt something, rather than a cold acceptance of pain that was not hers to bear. And it was always the same – once she got through blaming herself, it always came back to the same thing. Faye cleared her throat. “I found it in Mom’s things. I shouldn’t have moved it.” As Faye softly stepped out of the room, Taryn could hear her thinking of how many ways their mother being alive would have prevented this moment. Comments I chose to write about a day in the life between Taryn and Faye to try and show how they play off each other, seeing as I am in the more unique situation of having two characters to write about. I’m also trying to highlight the dynamic of Faye seemingly being more dominant but Taryn ultimately being in control of the situation and trying not to let Faye spiral into darkness. Obviously it is unfinished, but after I complete this piece, I want to reverse it – have Faye giving Taryn direction to hang the painting and see how the scene would play out differently Physical scene is confusing and thus (very) distracting from the character interaction Dialogue felt a little forced or maybe the vulgar metaphor was a little distracting as well [creative partner] articulated much more clearly a concept that [author] hadn’t quite expressed in his descriptions: Taryn having predominantly internal trauma and Faye having the obvious external – highlight the different pains, struggles, approaches Faye maybe blacked out due to pain, but Taryn had to witness her burning, the fire, death, etc. [author]: also, while there are fairly common examples of strong female roles, there are far fewer examples of strong females in traditional female roles. Right now, Taryn honestly seems like the more complex/less cliched character [author] and [creative partner] both feel the characters could be a little cliched, but there is enough room to make them not so. [author] intentionally tried to make them less cliche, but is hard Altercation with Auoan Taryn gets invite from auoan Taryn runs out door – meet you at the bus stop Faye! Taryn walks through town – hears muttering about Chiri? Or some kind of new tech relating to apostate? Ritual battle? Rides bus thing to auoan No faye Furious Auoan wanted to talk ABOUT Faye? Or he was annoyed by her personality now chose which alleys to wend through on its way through the city Knock knock. Taryn Taryn decided she'd had enough studying for today was finding it hard to study today. The sun was calling to her, and the Fickle Breeze had been wafting the smells of fresh fruit to her all morning. She could almost hear the sounds of the Pickers guild members shouting to the crowds, trying to entice them into buying the more exotic, and expensive, fruits on display. Yesterday's breeze had hailed from the Planters, and it was fertilizer day. Not pleasant. No one quite knew how the breeze managed to be so reliably unpredictable, but manage it did. Up in North Harbor (a bit of a misnomer as there was only the one) the breeze smelled as one would expect a good sea breeze to smell, and it persisted to some degree until the north-most square, where the Hunters set up camp. If you asked, they would tell you that this square was the farthest the smell of the sea penetrated with such gusto, so this was the farthest they would come to sell their rich harvest from the waters – to do otherwise would not only be asking for the Gods' inattentions but would also drastically decrease the shelf life of their product and lead to a whole new spectrum of smells. If you pointed out that perhaps the strong smells of the sea stopped at this market because this is where the Hunters stopped with their strongly smelling sea wares, you would only get a scowl and the feeling that last week's prices seemed a little more reasonable. Regardless of any potential self-prophetical reasons, the Hunters were right; once you headed farther south into the city, the sea dropped away and the Fickle Breeze ran its course. There were theories, of course. Divine intervention: all knew the Gods constructed the world, inexplicable as it may seem at times; perhaps this was their idea of a joke. But then again, they typically did not involve themselves overmuch in the petty affairs of humanity. Could this anomaly have been planned by the hallowed Founders in their construction of the city – alleys and buildings and markets at angles just so? There were even those, usually tolerated with a resigned shake of the head, who claimed the city leaders held slaves beneath the city working day and night at great bellows to create and manipulate this unnatural wind. But all agreed, even the most lucid conspiracy theorists, that it had been done with intention. Chance happenstance in such elaborate form was not the way of the world. To think so was to disbelieve in the chain of power, hailing from the Divine; it was to doubt. The Fickle Breeze was part of a plan, just maybe not The Plan. It wove through the city, following a path all its own. And so people knew not to rely on their noses within city limits, besides testing the ripeness of some fruit or a pile of garbage. Smells could come from just down the street or squares away and there would be no way of knowing beyond having a healthy sense of direction, or having a healthy sense of curiosity and a day to wile away. Taryn did not have such a day, but a purposeful idleness can always make up for such a lack. Besides, Auoan was Taryn ran out the house, deciding to visit her foster parents at their stall. All knew the most direct path from Hunter's Market to anywhere in the city was also the most obvious: the North Corridor. 50 paces wide for its entire length, humanity teemed along the street made unnaturally straight and flat by the work of Orders in long forgotten harmony. It ran without pause until hitting its Southerly sister at city Centre. While there were no full stops, the people of Telsori City did what they could to introduce commas and complicated sentence structure nuance to what obviously seemed to them as needlessly functional prose. Attempts came in varied form: Guilds represented themselves and their goods or services on the sides of the street, pressed against the sides of proprietary buildings. Immovable stalls of masonry belonged to those guilds long-established and longing for creativity – Transport, Potter, Furniture, and the like. The workers found within were often lifers, and were as stolid as the walls of cool stone that surrounded them. Nestled between these veritable castles of product could be found the ‘Mockingbirds’ – nests of wood hastily thrown up by enterprising men and women. They were littered with glittering inventions designed to catch the eye, draw you in, and convince you that their unique purpose was so different than those of the looming guilds to left and right, deserving of a guild in its own right. While the Network of Extraneous Works would ultimately make this decision for each prospective guild, a demonstratable niche in the public’s heart could and had swayed unlikely decisions. However, most proposals did not succeed. The committee thought themselves clever for their acronomical name, but most referred to them as NExt – the word most often heard in their hearings. And so it is with good reason they said you could find anything you needed on the North Corridor, even if you just needed a little convincing from a helpful stall-keeper that you simply did not know you needed a tool that could slice cheese in three different thicknesses. Would you kindly sign this petition? The grossest intrusion on the road was the ever-evolving Channel. It ran down the middle for its entire length, transporting goods in the fastest ways so far devised – teleportation being the obvious exception. But most merchants found using the former to be more cost effective, even with the extra padding necessary for inevitable bumps along the way. For most of living history the Channel utilized TK crystals to levitate products a few inches above the surface of the street, allowing for objects to be pushed forwards with ease. Assuming, of course, that the packages were all the same weight. And the same size. Otherwise they would float at heights entirely different and incompatible with one another – vividly proven to disastrous effect on its grand opening. But the guilds are nothing if not clever and after one such mind spoke up, they quickly devised a solution both ingenious and practical. “What if we just threw some extra shit onto the packages?” Minor logistical squabbles naturally followed, but the idea’s simple merit kept it relatively unchanged through the honing process. And so the Channel of Shit thrived. These days, the latest technology from the Alchemists had melted the top layer of the entire Channel into a super-slick surface. This did away with the need for standardized sizes and weights, drastically increasing the efficiency and flexibility of the system. Tek Holding runes on a shipment locked it to the preceding item a certain distance away, which was locked to the next one, and the next, and so on and so forth. A simple engine at the beginning of each line pulled the whole thing along, and all agreed it was quite the tidy operation. The only drawback, significant some would say, was the smell. Either the Alchemists hadn't known, or they had decided in their unerring wisdom that it was of little consequence. Regardless, they were smart enough to keep silent on the matter. Four cycles later, and those same some would say you could occasionally catch a whiff of that particularly distinctive fecal smell on a particularly hot day. And so the Channel of Shit still thrived. Food Heaven Taryn and Faye slogged down the winding mountain trail, packs growing heavy on their shoulders despite the feathering enchantments (spells) they had invested in. They had opted for the mental rather than physical. Yes, they had to be careful not to overfill their packs and overtax their bodies due to the magical feeling of weight being a little lighter, but these spells ran cheaper. Plus, Tek runes tended to need some practice in order to master the disparity between actual and imposed center of balance coming from the constant push of Tek magic. (Although, they had recently developed new systems that could completely negate this effect, for a price of course. Faye longed to have one, just to confirm if her theoretical match matched.) But neither of these could reduce the heat of the sun on their brows, or the aches in their tired legs from a week of hiking – and actually carrying those packs. “Remind me again why we’re doing this?” Faye spoke at Taryn’s hunched form in front of her. Taryn didn’t bother wasting the effort to turn around. She knew Faye was just bored. “Come on Taryn, talk to me! Anything’s better than counting my steps. We’re at six thousand ninety two so far. Six thousand ninety three. Six thousand ninety four. Six thousand ninety five.” “Fine, Faye! What do you want to talk about?” “Six thousand one hundred!” Taryn let out an exasperated sigh and Faye laughed. “Just wanted to finish on a nice round number! But see, isn’t that better already?” Taryn wasn’t in the mood to admit she was right. Maybe she was just jealous of Faye’s good mood. It’s like she thrives on pain and misery or something. Oh, that’s right. She does. “Let’s talk about food. I haven’t had a solid meal all week.” Another fair point Faye. “Alright, what’s your favorite food?” “Come onnn Taryn, dandied fritters, you know that. At least try to be interesting!” Taryn rolled her eyes. Her sister sometimes. But, a good mood is good. “Why do people eat liver if it’s entire job is filtering gross stuff out of your body?” “Ooh, that’s a good one. Maybe we like to show we’re better than nature? As in, the designed purpose of something does not contain us?” Taryn did stop to turn around this time. “Are you saying we’re better than this world the gods created?” It was Faye’s turn to roll her eyes. “Of course not – I know as well as you do how grand the gods are. It’s not even my opinion, I’m just positing what some people might think. People that eat liver.” “There’s a lot of people who eat liver, Faye. We’ve eaten liver at the Montagues before.” “Look, well, it also just tastes good. I’m trying to make conversation, Taryn; you’re the one who asked the question. No need to be so critical – usually you’re so open-minded.” Taryn paused. Was that a compliment? “Well, when it comes to the gods, it’s pretty shut.” “You don’t say.” “Yes.” They walked on in silence for a few moments before Taryn said, “Let’s just focus on the road. We’re almost at the main city anyways.” “Hmpf. You’ve been saying that for an hour. Wait, what’s that?” She pushed Taryn out of the way and plodded towards a break in the trees ahead of them. Taryn walked to where Faye had stopped. Rising above the bluff they stood on was a two story building. They were met with the top floor of a two story building, where people were unmistakably eating. A narrow staircase led down the cliff-face into what appeared to be a small town. Taryn shielded her eyes from the sun and looked around. “Is this it? This can’t be Telsori City.” Faye shook her head. “No, we must’ve teleported farther than we thought. But can you smell that? Gods, I don’t know what they’re eating but it smells good. Let’s go!” Faye darted away before Taryn had time to consider the options, and she had no choice but to follow. Not that she needed much convincing the way her stomach was growling. Walking farther down the steps showed a large red sign over the entrance in characters entirely foreign to the twins, but their noses were undeterred. Locals could be seen talking to each other around the building, or tinkering with kicking the tires of someone’s new Personal Transport Device, but as the twins drew nearer they slowly became aware of how much they stood out with their large packs and short cropped hair. “Uh, Faye? Everyone’s staring at us.” Too late did Taryn remember who exactly she was talking to. Faye’s voiced lacked any levity Fayes voice was as flat as a Telsori road when she responded. “Oh?” Poorly attempting to cover her error, despite the fully shared awareness of it, Taryn moved on. “Well, let’s just go inside and finally get some food.” Thankfully, Faye wasn’t in a black enough mood to make things worse. Or perhaps the tiring week had finally caught up to her. Regardless, she wordlessly followed Taryn’s suggestion and walked towards the entrance. After a brief moment of confusion as they walked towards an empty table, a smiling local dressed in all black led them upstairs to a corner table with plates, cups, and silverware enough for four. And a large floral arrangement that entirely blocked the twins’ view of one another. Faye promptly moved it to the side. “Why did she bring us here? I wanted to sit downstairs,” Faye said, looking around. Taryn shifted in her seat. “I don’t know, maybe that table was broken or something? And they gave us our plates, well, lots of plates, but I don’t see anywhere to get ourselves any tea…” Taryn’s train of thought was interrupted by a man approaching their table, dressed in the same black garb as the first woman. He proffered a pot of something, and when they just stared at him he smiled warily and poured them each a mug. With another smile, he turned and left. Both twins peered into their cups. Taryn continued, “Well that answers the tea question I suppose, not that I have any idea what he brought it to us for. What kind is it even?” Faye tentatively gave hers a sniff and shook her head. “Nothing I’ve ever had before. But, more importantly, where’s the food?” She looked around again. “The only food I see is on people’s plates… we must’ve missed it as we walked in. Taryn resolutely did not look around, but she felt as confused as Faye looked. A third smiling local, again dressed the same but this time with a nametag reading Brenna, approached their table, said something incomprehensible, and smiled widely at the two of them before handing each a folded brochure and walking away. Taryn and Faye looked at each other. “Well that sure cleared things up,” Faye said, flipping open her brochure. “And these papers are all in another language, too. Wait! There’s some Telsori every now and then.” She began reading, “fried chicken, hamburger, spaghetti and meatballs… What do these words mean? Are they the choices for food? But we should have seen all these downstairs.” Faye sat straighter in her chair to get a better view of any potential food. Taryn shrugged. “You’re asking me like I know any more about this backwoods place than you do, Faye.” She squirmed a little in her chair. “But would you stop moving all around looking everywhere? You’re making others stare at us.” Faye started Taryn in the eye and abruptly stood. “I’m going to get us some hamburgers, whatever those are.” Taryn remained sitting as Faye walked off and mentally kicked herself – she hadn’t had a day this bad in years. She picked up her tea and gave it a sip. Unfamiliar, but not bad. She gave it another sip. Why does Faye need to make such a scene? For someone who doesn’t like attention, she sure knows how to put on a show. And so it continues , Taryn thought as she saw Faye being escorted back by the smiling Brenna. As they got closer, Taryn noticed the smile didn’t quite reach her eyes anymore. Faye sat down and Brenna spoke at them again, gesturing at the papers she had dropped off before. “I don’t understand,” Taryn said helplessly. Brenna tsked at them. “You say me.” Taryn looked at Faye for assistance, but found none in her eyes angrily casting about. “What?” Brenna pointed at the papers again. “You say me.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Brenna pointed to an item in the list. “You. Say. Me.” Taryn looked at it, and tentatively read, “Pizza?” back at her. Brenna looked relieved. She held two fingers up questioningly. Taryn held two fingers up in response, and Brenna smiled. She nodded her head and left them in confusion once more. Faye threw her hands in the air. “Point me to the god that made this fucking madhouse and I will…” Taryn stared at her sister, jaw slack and eyes frozen wide open in abject horror. “&#8230;have some serious words with her,” Faye finished with a disgusted look at Taryn. “Oh come off it. What kind of place is this?” She leaned forwards in her chair and started ticking off fingers. “It’s clearly a restaurant, but no food to be seen. You can’t pick your seat, you can’t choose your own tea or refill it yourself. The plates and silver are just sitting on the table with the dust of humanity settling on them for who knows how long before we got here, and twice as many as we need if I might add. No one speaks Telsori.” A man dressed in blacks walked by their table and smiled at them. “And all these fucking people dressed the same and smiling all the time! They look like they’re in some kind of Order to the divine God of Perpetual Fucking Cheeriness when, a, there is no such fucking thing, and b, they are abso-fucking-lutely not even in an Order without any robes. Who do they think they are? Fuck!” Faye sat back, seemingly exhausted by the mere effort of recounting the establishment’s crimes against society. Taryn raised a cool eyebrow. “Finished?” “No.” Faye crossed her arms, took a drink of tea, and crossed her arms again. “Fuck you.” “Thank you. Well, there’s got to be some way to get food. I say we wait and see what happens. Agreed?” “Fine.” They sat in silence. The man came and refilled their tea. (Taryn took the time to observe their surroundings for the first time. They talk about something important/plotty?) Brenna suddenly appeared at their table, holding two large platters precariously stacked on one shoulder. “What’s going on?” Faye took the chance to Taryn looked up from her lap and “Oh shit!” she gasped, startled. There was Brenna, waiting at their table as if she had never left. “What’s going on?” Faye brusquely said at Brenna. “I know you can’t understand me, but where do we get our foo– oh my gods. Taryn. Do you smell that?” A small man stepped from behind Brenna, carrying a large platter on each shoulder. Brenna removed the floral arrangement from where Faye had shifted it – “Finally!” she muttered under her breath – and the man set the platters in its place, one in front of each twin. The man turned and was followed away by Brenna, who flashed them a quick smile and a wink. Faye reached for her fork and knife. "If this tastes half as good as it smells then I will write these fine restauranteurs a truly obsequious letter of apology for all that I have said and thought of this place. I'll even tell them about the very curiously placed sample of poo I saw loitering in the air vent just outside the bathroom door.” At Taryn's look of horror, Faye put her utensils down. “You're right, what am I doing – pizza with a knife? What kind of monster am I?” "Faye! You didn't seriously…” "No, Taryn. I didn't. I honestly don't know whether to be insulted or complimented by your unflappable belief in me. Although, you haven't exactly been yourself today.” She picked a slice of pizza from the pie in front of her and quickly transferred it to her plate. It steamed. Taryn squirmed a little in her seat – so Faye had noticed. "What do you mean?” "You know exactly what I mean." She took a bite of pizza and “OW, Ow!” set it back down. "The fact you're asking that question is proof enough, Miss Know-It-All. You've been walking around like you have something to be ashamed of instead of walking with that sexy bounce in your step that makes your tits look good" – "And what is that supposed to mean?" – "and you've been taking me seriously." Faye took a drink of tea and fixed Taryn with a stare. "But that one is true. So, what's up?" Taryn played with the napkin in her lap. "And what's with you, hm? Suddenly decided to be the considerate type?” "Stop deflecting," Faye cut in harshly. Her expression softened for a moment before continuing,"Let's just say I'm in a generous mood today.” Taryn snorted incredulously. "Alright, a more generous mood, happy? Put it down to this delicious pizza if you want. Which reminds me…Commere, lover boy.” She took another huge bite of pizza and sighed contentedly. “Can you just tell me what's on your mind?” Taryn remained silent. This whole exchange had made her feel distinctly uncomfortable. This whole day had been uncomfortable, but this, Faye being sensitive, being direct, being&#8230; the good sister? That was a little too much. "It has just been a long week.” She took a now comfortably cooled piece of pizza and began cutting it into small bites. Faye stoically continued devouring hers, watching Taryn. "Everything has been so different. Not just here and the food, but the hiking, and the cold tent, and the sounds of the birds, and the way the sun hides behind the mountains, and the solitude, everything. I don't know. How do you do it?” "Do what?” Faye smacked through a mouth full of pizza. "The way you react, or don't , or maybe you are, the way you, you…" She gestured hopelessly with her fork and knife. She took a bite and carefully set the utensils down on either side of her plate. "How are you so unfazed? Sure maybe you complain, but you always complain, that's no different from normal! You are still yourself. Meanwhile, I simply want to find the nearest corner and make myself as small as possible. Instead, I end up snapping at you or being insensitive, when normally I’m so&#8230;" "Calculating?" offered Faye. "Polite, is what I was going to say," Taryn said with a shrewd look at her sister. Is that what she thinks of me? Faye dismissed Taryn's comment with a wave of the pizza in her hand. "Same difference. Look," she pointed at her twin with the pizza, "do you want to know my secret?" Taryn hesitantly nodded and Faye beckoned her closer. "I just don't give a fuck. But for me it's easier; everyone's going to stare my pretty face no matter where I go, so I've got the same reaction for all of 'em."She made a hand gesture that brought some color to Taryn's face. "And the birds and the mountains can have sommadat too." Taryn sat back in her chair. She didn't think Faye was being entirely honest about her alleged lack of insecurity – Taryn had enough firsthand experience to have definitive opinions on the matter – but she certainly had a point. It was also the most honest Faye had been to her, seriously, in quite some time. "Why does it take a week of near exhaustion to have some candidacy from you?" "And you think you're so different, sister o' mine?" they finish their restaurant experience ~ ~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ recurring theme of Faye making good points and Taryn being surprised and /or giving her credit while also dismissing. I need to keep focusing on making the twins different, and have different voices one of them is okay exploring, other needs the safe familiarity of Telsori City earlier idea, that now differs from the piece but that's fine: Faye on the surface is bold and brash but does not want to leave the safety of Telsori City, the familiar unfamiliarity Taryn is cool and collected but has her own inner monologue of insecurity as well. She is very okay leaving the city, exploring and experiencing new things. Taryn doesn't realize she's just as flawed as Faye (mentally) because she is so often thinking of how to control her sister rather than focusing on self. This leads to her being subtly condescending/elitist through her small judgements, even if she mostly keeps them to herself. Controlled reservation, less organic than Faye. Taryn isn't very good at looking inwards for true introspection (but thinks she knows herself well Taryn and Faye. 07.06.2026 08.06.2026 nearing year of first blooming / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Exploring Pronouns (thun) Ek'rit pointedly stared at the soldier’s face with thuns right eye. What thuns left eye saw didn’t matter for now. The soldier’s irises were brown, a familiar brown. Thun had often fallen asleep while staring at that color, the color of mangrove tree roots twisting in and around each other. Thun could almost smell it. There was an earthiness to it and a sour sweet smell of over ripe figs littering the jungle floor. A smell of dust and oil wafting off another Chiri preening after a long day of hunting alone. There was a hint of rain, but there was always a hint of rain to be found in the dewey humidity of the evening. Those eyes reminded thun of home. Ek'rit’s hitlek cut through the soldier’s throat with barely a sound. Thun shifted their eyes forward and looked to the horizon. Ek’rit had always wondered how other Chiri managed with eyes that were locked in place Normally thuns eyes were locked in place like those of any bird, and faced different directions with a small portion of visual overlap across their beak. This kind of sight was crucial in the jungle, where unseen threats could explode from the underbrush on all sides. However, thun also had the distinct advantage of being able to tense thuns eye socket muscles and pull thuns entire eye into a more forward facing direction. This allowed Ek’rit and thuns kin to focus thuns point of view on a singular target when necessary, like when darting amongst the trees in pursuit of prey. Or like right now. Ek’rit twisted slightly and pulled thuns wings close, turning thun into a tight, spiralling blur of feathers. Thuns eyes remained locked on the center of the horizon as it rotated around and around, maintaining the Chiri’s sense of direction and kinesthetic awareness. The change in scenery from Ek'rit’s home could not be more different, but thun had picked up this trick early on in thuns mercenary career with the humans. Growing up on Est’isk had taught them to be adaptive. One had to be flexible when flying through trees and vines that seemed to appear out of nowhere, constantly changing thuns flight path and angle of pursuit. And when a wyvern did appear out of nowhere, it meant one’s life if thun could not maintain composure in the face of this unexpected threat. It also paid to be adaptive when surrounded on all sides by soldiers fighting in what could only be described as carefully orchestrated chaos. Ek'rit stoically took it all in. Thun missed the thrill of actually feeling threatened in the jungle. As thun let thuns wings unfold and came out of thuns own personal whirlwind, Ek’rit let thuns eyes drift back to their normal positions. Thun saw all. A plain of barren earth stretched outwards before Ek'rit. It would have gone for miles uninterrupted if not for the rents in the land that defined the landscape of Kra’at, or Yurlibask as these humans called it. Dead and dying soldiers of both armies lay on the field, indiscriminately punished by the noon suns. Some were days old and rotting in their armor. Others had only been there a few hours but knew their fate would soon match that of their fetid companions. But there were many still standing and, more importantly, fighting, with skin and leathers glistening alike. Sweat streamed down tired faces as they gazed upwards at a slowly swelling storm front in hope of cool relief. There was even a group of enemy soldiers a few paces away that had decided to take advantage of a temporary lull in the fighting to unstopper their canteens. Ek'rit slid through them on a cushion of air, and stared each soldier pointedly in the eyes. As thun extended thuns left wing, thuns right eye caught a glimpse of the brown-eyed soldier’s pupils dilating as thun finally noticed the blood pouring from thuns body. Ek'rit. 07.06.2026 08.06.2026 nearing year of first bloom / Shaping Sleering Shantwise.

Constance. Iris. The Woman Who Did Not Exist. Staphin. Ek'rit. Aleislis. Auoan. Taryn and Faye. Grenan. Monty. Little Shit. The Living Market. Him. Teacher. Lord Commander Keerin. Little Shit. Taryn and Faye. Grenan. Aleislis. Him. Lord Commander Keerin. Constance. Iris. Monty. Staphin. The Woman Who Did Not Exist. Teacher. Ek'rit. The Living Market. Auoan. Iris. Teacher. Constance. Grenan. Ek'rit. Lord Commander Keerin. The Living Market. Aleislis. The Woman Who Did Not Exist. Him. Staphin. Monty. Auoan. Little Shit. Taryn and Faye. Shaping Sleering Shantwise. 07.06.2026 20.06.2026 nearing the year of first blooming

lil dudes 08.06.2026 09.06.2026 year of the beaver onwards

How does mainstream society hurt people? Mainstream society is filled with negative attitudes and beliefs that everyone should look, act, and think the same way. People who have been wounded by these beliefs often start believing them about themselves and other people. Difference and flaws are seen as deficits and defects, which leads to discrimination against people of all kinds. In addition to more obvious negative consequences like reduced access to safety / wealth / status / power / health, discrimination is damaging to a person’s self-esteem and places unfair and unnecessary limits on peoples’ ability and potential. If you’ve been wondering how to change these attitudes for the better, you’re in the right place. The first step is recognizing these tendencies in yourself. If you have been surrounded by mainstream ways of thinking your whole life, believing them is only natural. You don’t deserve to believe these things about yourself or others and it is not your fault if you do. By recognizing any negative attitudes you may have started believing yourself, you can better recognize harmful situations. Instead of wondering why certain comments and situations rub you or others the wrong way, you’ll understand what’s going on. For most people, rejecting these mainstream norms leads to more self-compassion and happiness. 15 Signs Mainstream Society Has Discriminated Against Your Diversity Everyone experiences some of these from time to time. However, if you experience three or more of the following signs with any frequency, you may be systemically discriminated against by society based upon your differences. 1. You feel like you don’t belong Maybe people have told you that you should attend a special school or that you should only pursue certain types of jobs. You submit to other people’s notions of where you do or don’t belong, instead of recognizing that a truly just society would make you feel welcome in any space of your choosing, appreciate you for your strengths, and meet your needs and differences without calling any special attention to it. 2. You believe people when they call you “antisocial,” “entitled,” or “lazy,” or “selfish” Mainstream society defines what is appropriate behavior or the “right” thing to do despite how bad or unnatural it feels to you. Maybe you’ve been accused of being antisocial when declining an invitation to a party. Or perhaps your colleagues think you are entitled for asking for accommodations, or they think you are lazy for turning down a promotion to manager. Maybe there are loved ones in your life who call you selfish for doing your best to take care of yourself and not being able to show up for them in ways they want. 3. You always blame yourself Mainstream attitudes have created societal structures that are insensitive to the needs of many people. Instead of questioning these structures, you blame yourself for being different when you encounter obstacles. You also blame yourself when people are unkind to you instead of reprimanding them for their lack of empathy or understanding. 4. You’re constantly trying to prove something In the face of systemic oppression it is natural to feel that your personality or behavior is something to be ashamed of; you may go to great lengths to prove how capable you are. On the other hand, you might feel the need to prove that you fall within a certain category of labels / status / class in order to get your needs met, especially if it seems like people don’t usually recognize how difficult your life is. 5. You don’t like who you are You dislike all of the unique parts of being yourself and struggle to see the strengths and positive aspects of who you are. Identifying with labels, disorders, or mental health diagnoses is hard for you because, in your mind, those things are defects. 6. You force yourself to take part in activities you hate Mainstream culture says what is “right” and “wrong” and does not take diverse ways of being into consideration. For example, the last thing you want to do the day before your family holiday celebration is to go to your office Christmas party. You know that it will be an overwhelming nightmare, possibly needing a day or more to feel back to your normal self. Nonetheless, you agree to go because you believe it’s the “right” thing to do. There are an infinite number of examples of this, large and small. 7. You want to get rid of your flaws Mainstream society demands perfection and any flaws are something to be ashamed of or hidden. Instead of trying to learn more about any issues you have and seeking support, you view them as a problem to be solved. You’ve been researching “treatment” options and “cures.” 8. You never ask for your needs to be met in a fulfilling way Other people’s problems may be more visible than yours, so you worry what people would think if you asked for things to meet your needs in ways that might be different than normal. You may feel like you don’t deserve to have those needs met and that you should be able to do everything independently, without support or assistance. 9. You think you’re bad at everything Despite your many admirable qualities, you focus on what you’re not good at. Because you’re not good at X, you assume you must be bad at everything else, too. When something unfortunate happens, you immediately think it must be related to something you have done wrong. 10. The people in your life view flaws as a problem Your colleagues, friends, or parents think of flaws as something to be cured. You notice that they say disparaging things about other imperfect people. Perhaps they avoid talking about your flaws because they want you to live a “normal” life. Your childhood teachers, college professors, bosses, or other authority figures may also have held similar views, as evidenced by their behaviors, language, or subtle actions it seems like only you notice. When you bring it up, sometimes it seems like no one knows what you’re talking about and you begin to believe nothing is wrong. 11. You go to great lengths to hide your flaws Many people hide traits they feel are flaws to some degree in some circumstances. The systemically oppressed do it much more constantly and with a range of severity. For some, hiding these traits feels necessary to avoid negative consequences in places like home or work. For others, there may be no situations where you feel you can be authentically 100% yourself. You may always be exhausted from performing in ways you think you should in order to receive positive attention. On the other hand, perhaps you avoid going out at all to prevent others from noticing your flaws. 12. You are pessimistic about your future It feels like people don’t expect you to succeed or do much with your life, so you don’t expect much of your life, either. When you encounter difficulties, it feels very overwhelming so you quickly give up without considering how they might be overcome through changes of the environment or your behaviors and actions. You’ve bought into the idea that you’re unable to be achieve your goals. Or, more simply, you don’t really think about your future at all. 13. You insist on doing everything your peers do If someone else can do something, you stubbornly insist that you should be able to do it, too. Even if something drains you and frustrates you — and you get no practical benefit from it — you try to do it anyway. You’re driven by the idea that you “should” do certain things that others do. 14. You don’t know many people that feel / act the way you do You haven’t been exposed to the positive aspects of your flaws because there aren’t a lot of people you strongly identify with or look up to in your life. It’s difficult to find role models that are realistic or ones that aren’t overly heroic / tragic. You may even be purposefully avoiding affiliating yourself with other people that seem similar to you because you think it’ll draw unwanted attention or speculations. 15. You compare yourself to the most “successful” people Mainstream society has a very narrow idea of what “successful” is. You don’t question that certain aspects of “success” don’t actually align with your values, strengths, or talents. Instead, you look around and lament that you don’t have enough friends, even though you love the few, deep friendships you have. You may be frustrated that you don’t enjoy going out to bars like others, even though you’re quite happy staying in and enjoying your hobbies. These may include but are not limited to: reading, video games, arts and crafts, cooking, research, board games, playing D&D. Did you recognize yourself in some of these signs? If you recognized yourself in the above descriptions, please don’t be too hard on yourself. It is *not* your fault that you were raised in a society that thinks this way. Consider this: now that you have recognized the role mainstream society plays in these beliefs, negative thoughts and behavior patterns will have much less power over you. It takes time to make this mental and emotional transition, but it is worth the effort. When you become more accepting of yourself as a uniquely flawed and beautiful person, you will find it easier to accept your limitations and celebrate your strengths. You won’t allow the mainstream ideas of other people to limit, discourage, or demean you. As you learn to accept yourself more and more, you will also find it easier to accept others for their beautiful flaws and not let them bother you. As you get better at recognizing negative assumptions within yourself, you will learn how to spot them in others. This is a necessary first step for anyone who wants to combat discrimination in society.

why am i here? I’m here with you my friend. You are here because you clicked the link at the bottom of a list titled 15 Signs Mainstream Society Has Discriminated Against Your Diversity can you get to the point i’ve been reading a lot? Since you told me the list of 15 items made you feel some big feelings I have a hunch you are “highly sensitive.” This is fantastic news. It means you kind of have some superpowers that no one ever told you about – in fact a lot of people probably made you feel really bad about having them because some part of them was scared of you or how you were acting (perhaps they are highly sensitive themselves). You do not deserve all the anger, harshness, violence, blame, and general nastiness that has been directed your way. In my experience this has always left me feeling deeply hurt and confused because I was just trying my best to be kind, honest, and myself. I’m sorry if you’ve had to go through that too. *big hugs* what does “highly sensitive” mean? Everyone is different. Again, that’s really good. It scientifically helps our species survive. Everyone is sensitive in different ways. Most people are sensitive in pretty similar ways that serve them well in normal society. Most people are highly sensitive about at least *one* thing in their life. Some of us (me me me me!) are highly sensitive to A LOT of things. Seems like that might be you too but you will have to figure that out yourself :) I am here with you as a gentle starting place; I can’t be with you for every step of your journey. And it is definitely a journey!! A journey into finding the depths of beauty you have within your soul and society has attempted to crush out of you. In my experience, the ways that feel most natural to me are highly offensive to mainstream society’s delicate sensibilities. This is not my fault nor yours. We’ve got a lot of stuff going on for us that makes us different from a lot of people in really cool ways. And, in full honesty, this can make it very difficult to function in our daily lives. We stand out, for better and for worse. huh. i don’t really know what to say. explains a lot i guess yuppers. it may feel like a lot. and, there's a bit more. this is all based on an article that was beautifully flawed in its own way; though the values spoken of were very informative and well articulated, the article wasn't really aligned with its own mission of reducing the stigma of harmful labels. i rewrote it with a compassionate emphasis on "ways WE have been hurt" rather than a shame-blame of "ways you are causing harm to others." i also try to use (more and more just in general in life) to use positive descriptors (highly sensitive) vs labels here is the original article

re-memb-er-ings 21.06.2026 08.07.2026 ཐི༏ཋྀ

this is a space to trust your self let go of know surrender to chaos and feel ` truth is in you 23.06.2026 21.07.2026 2026.06.23

try again this time with your all being breathe 23.06.2026 07.07.2026 inhale surrender / exhale love

"safety" does not exist trust yourself enforce your boundaries explore your intuitive feeling body stay alert relaxed poised restful watching because flying is a risk 08.07.2026 21.07.2026 No excerpt found.

i does not exist for there be dragons enforce your boundaries with thine merriment stay alert there are no beings more poised at the altar of self because you are to be worshipped 21.07.2026 21.07.2026 No excerpt found. 21.07.2026